Having a bad day today - can’t stop crying, not sure why think perhaps when I brushed my hair this morning there was quite a bit more hair on the brush than normal. I am day 16 from my first chemo and know I am going to lose my hair but a bit emotional when actually faced with it. Also children and parents off on a holiday of a life time to south africa for 4 weeks (had been planned for nearly a year and I was supposed to go with them) so facing a very different and quiet christmas (and missing them terribly). Also tired of being ‘up’ for friends and family and being told how good I look - I feel like sh*t. Going to hospital tomorrow at 9 am to get PICC line (great start to xmas eve). Next chemo is 29th so there goes New Year.
Sorry this is a moany, feeling sorry for me post, but need to get it out - will be better tomorrow I’m sure, just having a bad day
I am sorry it is all so tough for you right now - we have such hopes for Christmas but it can be a sad and lonely time too, especially when you are unable to do the things you want to do or we are not with the people we want to be with. I’m sending best wishes for tomorrow - last Christmas I was on chemo and ended up having a blood tansfusion on Christmas Eve so I know that it is not how you want to remember Christmas! But try to think of it as a stage to recovery and hopefully that will help.
I too had a PICC line and was nervous abouthaving it installed, though it was worth it as it made all the subsequent chemos so much easier. Remember to keep a hot water bottle under your arm for the first few days - it really helps!
Hoping that the 29th gaps those naughty cells and that you are not feeling too low over the holidays. Thank God it’s only a week and then it’s all over for another year.
Hi Jean
Sorry you are so low. I found that when I first started losing my hair was when I flet the worst. It seemed to confirm that I was a cancer patient, plus you have chrsitmas to contend with as well. Don’t be hard on yourself, just take each day/hour as it comes. I certainly felt better once I found how a way that was right for me to mangage my hair loss.
HOpe you mangage to find some Christmas cheer somehow.
RP
It totally totally sucks and you cant be positive and happy all the time!! Take each day at a time and if its bad one cry through it. I didnt do enough crying and i am paying the price now i have finished and feel like i am grieving ( I am!).
Jean
Sorry you are feeling so low. Please remember you don’t have to be “up” for friends and family all the time. You need to be able to show you true feelings. If you feel rough tell them. It’s no good holding it all in all the time.
I am at day 17 of 1st FEC and yesterday was also feeling really down, mainly due to the hair thing. I decided in the end that I would take things into my own hands and had my head shaved. I feel so much better today as a result. I had just been worrying about having to face the world for the first time on Christmas Day with no hair. After I had had it done my daughters dragged me round M&S just to prove no-one would stare at me in my wig, and they were right.
I also have a picc line fitted. This was done before my first chemo as my veins are non-exsistent. I must say it was the best thing for me. I can endorse the hot wat bottle thing - a wheat bag that you put in the microwave is best as it can wrap around your arm. I had mine 4 weeks ago now and most of the time don’t even notice it is there.
My next chemo is on the 30th, so we are writing off Christmas Eve at the moment.
I hope that, even though Christmas won’t be as you had planned, you have a lovely time, and make the most of watching the programmes you want to watch.
Dear Jean
I just wanted to reiterate what others have said - this is a horrible time and it is only reasonable to feel down from time to time.
As the others have said, the worst thing about hairloss I felt was the fact that I couldn’t be in control of what was happening, so I shaved my head and that felt better. Same goes for the PICC line - once its settled its fantastic.
I’m sorry christmas/new year are going to be unusually quiet, with so many of your family away, but I hope chemo on 29th goes well.
Please come on here and moan - there’s no one on here who doesn’t understand what is going on for you and support you
much love
monica xxx
Jean this is the place to moan and find comfort from those who have done and those who are going through it!
Loosing my hair was one of the low moments, shed quite a few tears but once it was gone was ok!
Missing out on the holiday must be so disappointing for you, plan one for when it is all over!
Remeber there are always people on here to chat too,I couldn’t have got throught it without the friends i have made on here.
You’re in a cr@ppy place, but you will get through it. I was in surgery on Christmas Eve last year. I lost my hair somewhere mid Feb if I remember right. Like Debs says, once it’s gone it’s easier. You just get on with it. I waited until the hair loss was so much that I just thought I looked like pooh. Then I cut it off and when that looked like pooh I shaved it.
Missing the holiday is a total bummer, as well as missing your people being there at Christmas, and to top it off you have the PICC line. You have my symphathy on all counts and no mistake. But, this is a life experience that will pass, and with its passing you will look back and see how strong you are. You can do this. You’re a woman after all, and we can deal with anything. I’d wish you a Merry Christmas, but you might hit me…hard!
As already mentioned this is definately the place for a good moan, we’ve all been there.
My hair started to fall ot a couple of weeks ago, and I know it’s upsetting. I had my hair cut short 1st then a had a No 4 shave all over, I spoke to my hair dresser and she was brilliant, she cut it for me in private, and I wore my wig out of the salon so no one knew.
Since then I have shaved my head down to a No 1 as it started going patchy, but I felt 100 times better that I had took some control back.
I do love my wig, (see pic), and it’s really funny the amount of people that have commented on my new hair style, and how do I keep the style!! Little do they know!!!
Hopefully all has gone well today.
I wish you health and happiness, love Jo xxx
I wore my wig yesterday to church and faced a lot of people for the first time since I had my head shaved. I had a lot of compliments and one person even asked me where I had had done, even though she knew I was undergoing chemo. She really didn’t belive that it wasn’t my own hair.
Today at lunch I pulled my cracker and out popped a comb - how funny is that!!! My nephew offered to swap it for the 2 hairslides he had got in his cracker. It is good to laugh about it all some times.
Aw i feel really sorry for you, not pity mind i don’t do pity, i hate that!, but i remember well my hair coming out in handfuls, quite painful too, i didn’t think it would be so sore, i have had chemo twice but hair only came out with the 2nd one, that’s why i think i was quite shocked when it came out, didn’t think it could happen to me, what a big dissy i got.
Got dx again for the 4th time and definately to get chemo again so just when my hair is the way i want it out it will come again, so i know the feeling.
Also understand having to put on a brave face and people telling you they can’t understand it as you look so healthy, HA! what rubbish, sometimes i think there is no point in explaining anything as they don’t seem to listen and it goes in one ear and out the other.
Just try and take the good out of each day and you can sometimes get a good laugh taking the mickey, you can’t cry and shout and rage all the time even if that’s how you feel, emotions are such a funny thing are’nt they, one minute you are up the next your down.
I think i will have to have a line in as well this time as had surgery to remove all nodes from both arms, hope it is not sore.
Have a good new year
love
reneexx
Thanks for your messages and support - really appreciate it. Well, I did it - shaved my hair off to a no.1 (well, my OH did it) was very emotional and he had to stop half way through as I was crying so much he couldn’t handle it, but he had to finish. When he was finished it was strangely liberating - I sent a photo to friends and family on my phone to warn them before I saw them and the messages of love and support were amazing. They told me I was still as beautiful (thats loved ones for you) I thought I looked like an extra from Cell Block H! I am now really pleased I went ahead with it and the sore scalp has gone which is a relief.
PICC line was ok the injection for the local was the most painful but after that wore off it has been quite uncomfortable for the most but will wait till Tuesday to appreciate the benefit of it when I get my next chemo. I feel as though I don’t even have a ‘good’ arm now - my right arm is cording and my left arm has a tube coming out of it!
Anyway Christmas wasn’t too bad, I even had a few glasses of wine which was lovely for a wee change. Chemo on Tuesday so the cycle starts again.
Thanks again for all the support and lovely messages. Hope you all had a good Christmas and I wish everyone a very happy and healthy 2010.
Hello Jean
great about the hair - isn’t it wonderful how supportive our loved ones can be? My hair is already growing back (still have 1 FEC to go) and family and friends love to feel the soft new hair coming through - there is so much love to be had!
hope chemo goes well on 29th and that things soon start to feel better. Lots of us rooting for you, don’t forget…
take care
love, monica xx
Hi Jean, i too felt very liberated when i shaved my hair off in fact i have a picture of myself which i actually love and others are seriously suggesting that i think about keeping my hair that length!!! Once the PICC line settles down you will be fine, i had a portacath fitted as my veins are non-existent too and for about a week it was a nightmare but i am so glad i had it done it has saved me so much extra pain! I am having Herceptin on the 29th will be thinking of you…hope all goes well…xx
I am so glad you had a Christmas. I can agree with you about shaving your head being liberating. I felt the same myself. Probably because I could then stop worrying about whether I would wake up the next day without any hair. I have invested in a number of headscarve (can recommend Bohemia Fashions on line. I put in an order in the evening of 22nd Dec and they arrived Christmas Eve morning). I have a few hats as well. I am wearing them far more than the wig, which does start to hurt after an hour or so - anyone any tips on stopping the pain?
Make sure you keeping using heat on the picc line area - it definately helps. Good luck on 29th. I am sure that having the picc line will make it less stressful. I have my no 2 FEC on 30th, and I am hoping that the IV anti-sickness will stop me reacting the same way as last time.
Well had another blast of chemo today - so posting while I still can … chemo regime has been changed, found out that I am herceptin receptive so now on FEC following by TAX, all the same to me - as long as they fight the good fight! Chemo will now be 18 weeks instead of 28 weeks which is a plus! I presume the SE will be the same or very similar to the EPI. Anyone else had their chemo changed after starting?
Caroline - used the good old hot water bottle last night and it really does work - thanks! Good luck for your chemo tomorrow really hope the anti-sickness works.
Going for lunch tomorrow with ‘the girls’ before the SE kicks in - looking forward to it. They haven’t seen me yet with no hair (just a photo on the phone) so it may be interesting.
My son told me (when he saw my photo) that he was so proud of me (but my daughter told me that was after he cried) so still a lot of emotions to get through when they get home (2 weeks tomorrow - not that I’m counting)
Had my 2nd chemo today and not been sick so far - just feel like I am on another planet. I was given IV ondansatron with chemo and three different anti-sickness drugs to take tonight and over the next few day. Everything is crossed at the moment as I would like to be able to go out tomorrow night.
Jean, hope you are still feeling fine and that you managed to get out for lunch today. A bit of normality is always good.
Still not to bad after the chemo - tired (but not sleeping very well) and a wee bit queasy - feel as though SE have started quicker than last time - is this possible or just me? Could it be cos my chemo has been changed?
Anyway I think it will a quiet celebration for the New Year - just OH and myself.
Caroline - so please your chemo went better I jope you are still feeling good and you make it out tonight! (lunch yesterday was fab!)
Hope everyone has a fabulous, happy and very healthy 2010.
I am already feeling better than last time. I have only been cick once and have managed to keep the tablets down since. Found sleeping hatd last night. I didn’t have chemo until the afternoon so it was gone 2pm when I had the steriods so I think that kept my brain too active, even though my body desperately needed sleep - I think that was why I was sick, rather than the chemo itself.
Glad you had a good lunch.
All the best for the New Year - hopefully better than 2009.
I’d wish you a Merry Christmas, but you might hit me…hard! 