I’m having a bad day. I’m 48 hours post my second WLE op (1st one 3 weeks ago) and I had a melt down the Friday after the first so maybe this is just a general anaethetic reaction but…
I’m getting tired of hearing people say how ‘awesome’ I am!
I’m a runner. I have a London marathon place and I signed up to do a 100k event in July.
As such I’m trying to keep some miles in my legs throughout all the diagnosis and ops so far.
But everyone keeps saying how great I am doing to be out running (I’m forcing myself to take another 10 days recovery post op) and I feel as if they are thinking I’m putting everything behind me and am coping with life very well.
I’m not. I just want to run now, while I can to some extent because who knows where I’ll be in 6 / 12 / 18 months time. I’ve put on half a stone since diagnosis and am so annoyed as I kept my weight in check over Christmas so I was in a good place for London & 100k training. But comfort eating & 6 boxes of chocolates from well wishers post 1st op has ruined all that.
I believe I have a very good prognosis so I’m wallowing a little I know though being here again, 22 years later, is a big shock in itself.
How do people balance getting on with their life but not so much so that everyone else thinks all is fine in their world and they are coping perfectly well?
I’m finding it difficult dealing with people’s reactions, they keep saying “you so brave” etc… I feel like screaming as I don’t feel brave, I feel bewildered, unsure and often numb. I sometimes want to ask what did you expect to see! Me weeping and wailing!! It’s 5 weeks today since my WE but since being diagnosed with BC the hospital has diagnosed other medical conditions I wasn’t aware of… I just feel like shouting at the top of my voice " I’m young and fit and haven’t got time for BC or platelet disorder I want to be out walking in the mountains or skiing as I normally do every March not stuck at home waiting for radiotherapy to start"
Sorry about my rant, but I’m sure others will feel similar
Take care wishing you well with your running
Big hugs Jane x
Yep, ‘you’re so brave’ is one of those phrases that can trigger a silent scream.
And I had a course of counselling due to a major crisis (not a BC one) about 10 years ago then I did an AS course in psychology so I have a minute amount of self awareness of how all this is effecting me and how others do/do not cope.
I’m not good at asking for help, posting on here even is difficult for me. I think I understand why… That counselling was very interesting.
And taking of phrases to make you want to scream. My fella is doing his best but is out of his depth… he’s said he doesn’t know what to say to me sometimes and I’m fine with that but this one was a cracker last night. He said
Yup,
I struggle any way,
If people think I’m the way I was before, they rely on me to do things that I really can’t do, but then I can’t stand being told to take it easy.
I find mindfulness helps because it really taught me to listen to my body better. I need to give myself time to heal, and I am terrified what they said about stress related Cancer. I was told clearly that dieting etc can build stress into the body, and fuel the Cancer.
So not being anything but me.
We all take on too much. I have been trying to be normal since diagnosis and MX in September 14. I’ve still got 5 weeks of Chemo, reconstruction and radio to go. I’m fed up with being told how well I’m coping and that I look great. With 2 young kids and a home to run and money to earn I don’t have a lot if choice! I’m also trying to fit in yoga for me and last week had the biggest 3 day meltdown which shocked my husband - why would I think its going to be hard to cope in 2 weeks when he has a knee replacement???
It was so bad I cancelled my Chemo (number 8 of 12 weeklies after 3 x FEC). Husband thinks its selfish to want to stop treatment… Coming from someone who still expects food on the table when he gets home, shirts in the wardrobe and kids getting on well at school etc etc
If those close can’t understand what hope do we have that anyone else will??
Judith, you are a little bit awesome ;-) Many years ago I was a fitness instructor and was as fit as a butchers dog but even then I still couldnt distance run no matter how much I tried. I just never could and never will.
I always find it strange when people say how brave I have been. I know its said with good intentions but it does irk me a little. I think of bravery as making a choice to do something difficult. I just got something ugly out of the unlucky dip and therefore had to just go along with it. No one will ever get it right, no matter what they say, unless they have been through it ( I dont mean to sound like we are in some exclusive club).
You are an athlete and therefore know how to listen to your body. Give it what it wants (within reason). Of course you need to run but you will need rest as well. Im sure you wont want to but you could refer your marathon place to next year and give yourself a little more time to get ready for the July event. My surgery was different to yours so I dont know how you feel but 2 weeks after mine I was tearing around trying to pretend i hadnt had surgery. In hindsight, not my best idea : )
And dont worry about having bad days, anaesthetic if horrible stuff.
Hi Ladies,
I can empathise with all these feelings. I don’t like to be told how brave I am however I don’t like being told how well I’ve coped and how i can put it all behind me now my Mx / recon is done.
The reality is I’m waiting for the results of 3 different types of genetic tests, I am undergoing regular implant increases. I have more surgery to replace the expander later this year, I need to decide if I want my ovaries removed, I am horribly scarred and constantly uncomfortable and psychologically scarred for the rest of my life so when people tell me how relieved I must be now it’s all over I want to scream at them to F off.
Of course I don’t do that, I try to understand that these people mean well and desperately want me to be healthy/happy and the person I was before my diagnosis. It is frightening for everyone involved.
I have found people don’t ask me how I am, they tell me how I am i.e. You look great, you’re doing so well, you’ve coped amazingly!
The only friend of mine that genuinely wants to know how I am has unfortunately been through this herself.
At least by sharing on here we can be honest and we see we are not alone xxx
Reading your story makes me smile! I experienced exactly the same thing.
You’re not brave, you’ve got NO CHOICE but to deal with it all. You either do or you don’t - simples!
I was fell running again 14 days after mastectomy, mountain biking again after 19 days. I cycled to oncology appointments, I ran on average 15 miles a week throughout chemo. I cycled to most of my radiotherapy sessions (20 mile round trip). I cycled the Tour of Flanders (82 miles) one week after completing treatment, Paris-Roubaix (88 miles) a week after that. I ran 17miles the following week for a hospice event. I was back to my normal working hours 1 month after completing treatment.
I wasn’t brave, I was desperate to give myself something else to keep me occupied.
xx