I received my diagnosis a couple of weeks ago and due to go in for surgery on the 19th. I felt that I handled it quite well, as I felt really strongly that I knew the result before I got it. My husband thought I was nuts (nothing new there then! lol), but I was absolutely convinced.
I’m an extremely private person and the only people I wanted to tell (because I felt they needed to know), were my daughter and my business partner. My husband wanted to tell his mum but I just wanted to shut everyone out. Very selfish of me, I know. Anyway, I finally relented and said I didn’t like it but I understood that he needs support too. I asked that when he told her he made sure to say that I didn’t want anyone else in the family to know and to please respect this.
To cut a long ramble short, I’ve now discovered that the news has been ‘shared’ and I’m so cross and hurt. I don’t know if it’s because i’m still trying to get my head round the diagnosis and whats to come or what, but I’m feeling like i’ve been betrayed and I just can’t trust him. I feel like there are very few things I can control in this godawful journey (Never using these travel agents again - they’re shocking!) but the things I thought I could, are being taken away from me.
Then I feel guilty because there are so many women going through this with much bigger problems than mine. I understand that i’m probably not the ‘norm’ but I can’t help the way I feel.
Could someone please just tell me to stop being a drama queen and a selfish mare and to suck it up.
Sorry for my rants and ramblings, but feel like i’m losing what little sanity i had
I could have written part of your post a few months ago ! I was the same I wanted very few people to know, and I felt like a wanted control of who did know…part of the reason was wanting to remain ‘normal’ and not have to talk about it to Everyman and his dog. I told my Mum who, without asking my permission posted it on Facebook!!! Ok, I was furious and I hadn’t actually told her not to spread it far and wide, so I politely let her know that it needed removing and I didn’t want everyone knowing, a Facebook message could travel a looongggg way and be either back to me in a short while. She wasnt understanding and kicked up a fuss, saying that I had told everyone already…the truth being I had told 4 people who I trusted ! Anybody she met, seemed to be hearing all the details. So eventually that was sorted, though she has reverted to blabbing again. Anyway, then my husbands aunts found out, and before I knew it a couple of people were ringing who are aquaintances and would be the last people I would tell. I was mortified, my breasts and my personal facts were known and being shared and it was out of my control. Some of it was shared with a medical family member, and there were discussions happening without me being involved!!! I asked my husband to ring the offending people back and let them know that I DID not want it talked about as it felt like I was being violated…I know that sounds dramatic…but that’s how I felt and still feel.
So, I can’t tell you that you are being a drama queen, but all I can say is that you have to do some damage limitation…which is all I could do. I wasn’t as clear as you have been about my feelings about diagnosis and people spreading it , and I was in such a state at the time It didn’t even occur to me that my news would suddenly become public property.i can entirely see your feeling on this. It felt SO importqnt to me who had access to my private affairs. you can advocate for yourself dirctly with people who mention it too, tell them that you appreciat concern but want to keep things private and not discuss them.
It could be that your husband DID tell his mother not to share it, and she betrayed him? I think he needs to ring her back on your behalf and make clear your feelings and you don’t want to hear another person mentioning it! on the positive side, when you reach the end of treatment people seem to stop being interested and forget you lol x
No I’m not going to tell you to stop being a drama Queen either. I felt exactly the same I only told a few people but my brother in law took it upon himself to tell other people & when I had a word with him he said 'well as I seem to have p…ed you off perhaps we should keep away from each other for a while. That was 7 months ago & we haven’t spoken since. It’s our bodies & I think we should deal with it the way we want to. After I’d finished my treatment I did tell more people as I felt I could deal with talking about it more then but when I was first diagnosed I didn’t want to talk about it with anyone & everyone. Don’t feel guilty we all deal with this in a way that feels right to us there’s no right or wrong way xx
Hi ladies, i am absolutely on the same page with you over this. Once weve told people, we are at their mercy over who they tell…I have to say, I asked my nephew ( a lovely guy) not to put it on fb, and I dont think they would have…but fb, is about the very worst place to put it! So im really sorry about that happening to you.xx
also the brother in law who thinks he p****d you off, could apologise. I think we are in a very vulnerable position , especially at the beginning and when the phone keeps ringing thats added stress.
in time tho, you will adjust, I think there are so many thousands of us now that it is becoming very common.
non bc sufferers just often dont know how to handle it!
I also told very few people and those who did know knew it wasn’t up for public discussion, I would have been devastated had my nearest and dearest gone against my wishes and totally understand how you are feeling, I wanted to be able to live as normal a life as possible along side having treatment and not feel I couldn’t walk around my local Asda with out everyone knowing my business! This is happening to you and you alone make the rules, I was pretty vile at times but no one was going to tell me what I should be doing or feeling , this was my journey and I set the route …end of!!! ? Xx
I completely understand that need to control things.I’m kind of the opposite as I told as many people as I could but that’s just what I’m like.I needed to make it real and that was how I handled it BUT the people I told didnt go and tell others unless I said it was ok.for instance I private facebook messaged a friend who is a member of our drama group and asked her to tell other members who would want to know to save me repeating the news whenever I met any of them socially.when the most important people in my life knew and i’d passed the stage of being in danger of bursting into tears I put pictures on Facebook of me in my wigs…4 so far!..and those who cared about me enough private messaged me and I told them then.I’ve not told my dad all the details, just that I have a lump they’ll operate on and anyone who knows my dad I’ve told them to keep things vague.my brother I haven’t told as I don’t see.him anyway and I don’t trust him not to upset my dad.So yes, doing things on your terms is so important.I’m a bit of an open book and feel better blabbing:) Only told one person who peed me off…I hadn’t even started treatment and she said"ooh yes you’ve lost tons of weight, you look really thin!" and I hadn’t.
Yes, absolutely.! You could give hubby a big hug, and just avoid mum in law for a little while, just be a bit busy in a friendly way…
i really feel for you…we all need support from our loved ones, but there will be times when we need to just retreat, maybe just saying things like, ‘i just need some time out to get to grips with…’ Or maybe you can go away overnight to a nice b+B ( my own choice!) with hubby, just for a change of scene. Xxx
i also find that friends can be much more supportive than family at times…maybe because they are that little but removed.
I am with you all. How dare people decide that they know best and that they have a right to tell whoever they please!
My husband had hardly told anyone but told our next-door neighbour who I hardly know. I only found out because she brought round some sort of diet book! This was within a couple of weeks of diagnosis when I was still in the disbelief/devastation/anger/tears stage. He realised from the ‘discussion’ that night that he had not done the right thing. He genuinely meant no harm and thought that I wouldn’t mind as they don’t know anyone else we know but I was still mightily peed off xx
You are not selfish, or a drama queen or losing your sanity. You are entitled to privacy and your anger is perfectly justified in the circumstances. A betrayal always hurts but you feel such things twice as deeply when you are undergoing treatment for cancer. I soon discovered that people really showed their true colours at this time. After taking a long hard look at the character of one particular person who had somehow wheedled their way into my life by telling me a ‘sob story’ (heavily ‘edited’ it later transpired) I decided that I no longer wished to spend any of my precious time in the company of this individual. Harsh? No, it was and is a simple matter of self-preservation. Try to forgive your husband because I am sure that he has learned his lesson and now probably deeply regrets confiding in his mother. I also used to react by feeling “hurt” but since having cancer I have become much stronger and more decisive. If someone disrespects me I no longer weep. If there is just cause I let that person know that I am feeling angry, that there are boundaries that should not be crossed, promises made must be kept and that there are limits to my tolerance, it is not infinite.