Hi. This is my first time on this site and i don’t really know how to say what i want but i’ll try my best and sorry for the essay. My name’s Julie and i was diagnosed with grade two breast cancer on tuesday. At first, when my o/h found the lump, we thought it was just going to be a cyst. When the doctor confirmed that i have breast cancer, we both went into shock. I told my 13 year old daughter, but i think that she just thinks i’m going to have an operation and everything will be fine. My partner though is thinking the worst. His mother died of breast cancer when he was ten and he’s saying that he can’t and won’t cope. He’s seen what it did to his mother and he doesn’t want to go down the same road with me. I have to go and see the doctor and the plastic surgeon shortly to tell them what decision i’ve made in respects of my treatment. My partner has said that he’ll go to the doctor’s with me this afternoon, but he’s going to leave me as he doesn’t want to watch me deteriorate. I’ve pleaded and begged him that his fears are unfounded and that i’m not going to die or get really ill, but he won’t listen and tells me it’s over. I don’t know what to do. I feel like i’ve lost the only person i could really rely and lean on. I don’t know where to go from here and feel completely lost and empty. Any suggestions or advice? I could really do with some help right now. Thanks
Oh Julie,I have to reply just to give you a hug!
Breast cancer does not have to be a death sentence,you need to get someone to talk to your husband as he is just terrified of losing you in the same way as he lost his Mum.Things have changed a lot since then and every cancer is different.
With grade 2 you have a very good chance of still being around in many years time.There are no guarantees but then there are never any guarantees with life.
I can only begin to comprehend how awful you feel right now.
Please call the helpline here for someone to chat to.
Feel free to vent your anger,fears and frustrations to us,we will be here,
Hugs
Dot
xxx
Hello Julie,
So sorry to hear your news. Your partner should remember that there have been massive advances in cancer treatment since his mother was diagnosed and the treatments although hard are managed in a much better way. Have you anyone else who can support you, is there a support group in your area?? This site will be great to give you lota of advice nd support whatever happens in the future.
>>>>>>>>>
Ruth
Hi Julie
Both yourself and your partner may find it helpful to give the helpline a ring. As Dotchas says, they are a great support and can offer advice, information or just a listening ear if you feel able to talk about how you feel.
The number is 0808 800 6000
Open Monday - Friday, 9am - 5pm and Saturday, 9am - 2pm
Do give them a call if you can.
Kind regards
Louise
Facilitator
You can’t blame him for panicking as it must have stirred up feelings he’s never come to terms with. Lots of people years ago didn’t tell children anything as it wasn’t done to discuss cancer, so he was probably kept in the dark. There’s some good books for partners of people with breast cancer or cancers in general which might help him, you can get one from this site, and some from Cancer Backup, not that he will necessarily want to read them
Good luck,
Mole
My o/h and i have been to see the doctor and the plastic surgeon and i have decided that the best way for me is to have a mastectomy, tissue transfer and a nipple reconstruction. O/h and i then went to have a chat with the breast care nurse who was really supportive, took her time with us and explained everything. The whole time we were there and when we got back home, o/h was really considerate and thoughtful, until my parents showed up. They explained that we’re all in this together and we all need to help each other cope, which both i and o/h totally agreed with. But he started to get very emotional in front of my parents and had to leave the room. After he came back downstairs and my parents had left, he apologised again and again and told me that he was panicking and he can’t cope with what i’ve got to go through and he will be leaving in the morning. He told me he doesn’t do support groups and talking to people about his feelings whether it be over the phone, face to face or on a forum. He said he can’t cope with watching me get ill and having to look after me 24/7 and it would be easier if he left now so that i can get over him rather than halfway through my treatment when i’m not up to doing much anyway. I don’t know what to say think or do. I don’t know wether i’m coming or going!
Hi julie, am so sorry you have joined this damn club. my hubbie was great when i was dx in may ,right until a few weeks ago then he reached his breaking point and said he felt like walking away. he didnt but i can understand it is just as hard for our partners ,because they cant do anything. he obviously loves you very much and dosnt want to lose you.but we are fighters and are not going anywhere.we have got to be positveand things have changed so much since his mother passed.WE WILL BEAT THIS. big hugs darling xxx
I’m not angry or upset with him at all over this. It’s alot for anyone to deal with. Especially to someone who has already lost his mother to this terrible disease. I’ve tried to get him to read the books that we were given from the breast care nurse and doctor, but he says he’s not interested and doesn’t want to know. I’ll admit it hurts me to the core when we’ve already been through so much together ( we had a miscarriage in march), but i understand why he can’t take anymore. We only just managed to scrape through last time. He says he’s got nothing left to give me and that i’m better off with the support of my friends and family. He says he just can’t go on.
Hi Julie,
You are in an impossible position aren’t you? You can’t make him stay but are probably worrying about him and how he will cope even if he leaves.It really sounds like he needs help but as you say he won’t go or talk to anyone.
You are dreadfully hurt, but need to concentrate on YOU (and your daughter),you need to be strong and fit before your surgery so you can make a good recovery.At least your parents are around and sound supportive so let them look after you and support you through this.
Give your OH time,he is struggling with his fears.
Take care
Hugs
Dot
xxx
Hi Julie …I am ten months on from DX my OH mum died of bc over 30 years ago and he is the same .he has never talked to me about it .came to the hospital when i was dx and the day i went in for my mastectomy that is all never in ten months looked at my scars ,he never asks if i an ok and chooses never to mention the subject but that is just him …he tells everyone I am cured !!! I have four hspital appointments coming up .he doesnt even know I have them … I have done all my other treatment and recon appointments on my own as both my parents died in 2005 I have played it down to my kids as they are grown up and have their own lives to lead…I have got into the habit of doing everything alone ,but at least he is still here although we are more like brother and sister cant see him ever changing and as I am 53 i just learn to live with it ,but you are young …Iknow the hurt you are feeling i feel so lonely sometimes but no one that knows me would evver know on the outside I am so brave nad strong …yeh right ! I do hope that you sort it out but you have to think about yourself and the journey ahead and your daughter first and foremost xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx