Hi Forum

[Buzzard]

Thanks again

[Lakeslover]

Hi,

I had breast cancer two and a half years ago, and although my husband and I discussed things every step of the way he also had three close friends he talked to, one male whose girlfriend had had breast cancer the year before, and two females (one of whom had a sister who had been through it). We got through that and I really valued his support.

Now he has lung cancer and I am the one providing support, I also have a few close friends I can talk to. We are also both (separately) taking advantage of complementary therapy (massage and Alexander technique) at our local cancer care until which gives us time to relax and someone not directly involved to talk to.

I think what I am trying to say is that I have seen it from both sides. You definitely need support yourself, in order to support your wife. You sound like a strong and caring person, and it takes a lot to admit you need that help. Please do feel free to ask questions here, and read some of the posts which will give you an idea what your wife is going through.

[keeks]

Hi Buzzard welcome.

it is so verry difficult for the one's we love, it's all about the person with cancer but our loved ones are going through it too.

I  told my dad and my partner they had my permission to discuss any details with someone who could give them support. I really feel they need an outlet for their own thoughts and feelings, we all do.  I know there is a section on here for family and friends.

I hope you can find what you need to give you strength to  take this journey with your wife.

Keeks

[skinnyminx]

Yep, I can see what you mean and I agree that it's important for you to have the space to air your views honestly without being judged. 

Giving practical and emotional support to someone you love who is going through serious health issues and heavy-duty treatment is difficult.  Yes it's something we 'sign up for' but I suppose we always hope we won't have to do it and can't really prepare for how it's going to make us feel when it is thrust upon us.

Personally, I salute you for being honest about your feelings - I really do think that's the healthiest approach as bottling things up can be very destructive and counter-productive.

[Buzzard]

Thanks for your swift replies.

At the moment my feelings tend to mirror my wife's feelings along with the slightly bizarre circular situation of me trying hard not to show (too much) that she is being a burden to me, when obviously to both of us know she is being a burdern to me and her not trying to over burden me even when she knows (she knows because I told her) that I was happy to sign up for the bad times as welll as the good.  Difficult to explain, but I hope you get a sense of my meaning.  I'm sure there are plenty of people in the world who have been, and are being, subject to far more extreme caring situations than I am in now so I don't feel I have a right to complain too much.  i just feel I need my own voice sometimes.

[skinnyminx]

Hi - sorry to hear what you and your wife are going through.  It's good to hear that you both have support but I hope you feel able to express your feelings here and are met with listening ears.  

My husband and I had been together for 22 years when I was diagnosed and we talked about it all to each other and, as a couple, to other people but I totally 'get' your need to have another outlet.  I know my husband had supportive conversations (without me) with work colleagues and very occasionally with the Breast Care Nurse who was excellent at recognising that although the patient is often the main focus, the spouse/partner goes through all sorts of turmoil too .    

What thoughts are going through your mind?

[Lucy_BCC]

Hi Buzzard and welcome to the BCC forums
Along with the support you will find on here our helpliners are on hand for you and your wife for practical and emotional support during this difficult time, lines are open weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2 on 0808 800 6000

You may find posting in the family, partners and friends area of the site helpful, here's the link to threads you may wish to join:

http://forum.breastcancercare.org.uk/t5/Supporting-someone-with-breast/ct-p/supporting_someone_with_...

You may also find our booklet 'In it together' helpful too:

http://www2.breastcancercare.org.uk/publications/diagnosed-breast-cancer/it-together-partners-people...

Best wishes
Lucy BCC

[Buzzard]

Hello,

So after 30 years of marriage my wife discovered she was suffering from breast cancer, since when both our worlds have been turned upside down.  At the beginning of the year we had just started making plans for celebrating our 30 years together when she said don't make too many plans because something just does not feel right.   So the summer is on hold and I need somebody to talk to.  Both sides of our family have been great and so have her colleagues but any conversations we have with most people is as a couple and while I do not make a habit of keeping secrets from my wife there are times when I need somebody to talk to by myself.  I do have a couple of colleagues who are willing to listen to me but I do get to feel just a little bit lonely and dispirited

at times.