I have recently been dianosed with IBC but before that in September 2009 my husband was diagonsed with cancer of the oesophogus. We had been through a rough time prior to the diagnosis and I was all for leaving him a few months before I found out. I was working away a lot with work at the time and it was when I got back that he was quite seriously ill and the diagnosis was made. I had serious problems with comming to terms with his diagnosis and had councilling. I thought it was all my fault that he was ill as I spent a lot of time in the months before his illness wishing ill thoughts of him as I didn't think I would ever have the strength to leave him or get him to leave me. After the diagnosis, I realised that I still wanted him and we became much closer than we had been for years (we'd been together for about 25 years then, married for 23 years and have one son who at the time was 17) but it wasn't to be as in January 2010 we lost him. Having just come to terms with that I find that I am now having to face the beast again in my own body.
I know how helpless I felt throughout my husbands illness, yes scared about what would happen and wanted to do everything I could to ease his problems and take them away from him. He died peascefully at home with me holding his hand and I was able to continue seeing to his needs as much as I could. I understand what my family must be going through having gone through it myself, but hopefully I will have a more positive outcome.
The pallative care team were brilliant and I got a lot of attention which I probably didn't want, my way of dealing with it was to try and take control of the situation and ignore my feeling other than when I was with the councilor who was a great help. If your OH can find someone to talk to, it does help. I am not one to share my feelings with anyone and so it took some getting through to me, I'm not entirely sure I sorted everything out but it certainly helped me along and gave me some outlet for what I was feeling at the time.
I hope this helps, not sure my ramblings make much sense but hopefully not too bad!
Just read this and thought god, that's really tough for you!
I'm primary so it's a different ball game entirely, though there is some threat of recurrence.
I can't imagine what it is like for partners entirely. I try and put my head into it sometimes to see if from their point of view.
How would I feel in that circumstance?
1) Scared i'm going to lose the other person, it's only a matter of time.
2) Loss of control - nothing you can DO to make it go away. No idea exactly how long you've really got.
3) Living in Limbo Land.
4) All attention goes to person with cancer, everyone forgets you are suffering too, financially, emotionally, psychologically and you are expected to be the strong one all the time.
5) If you have an argument with OH than you are a complete b*stard for having a go at someone with cancer!
6) how are they going to cope without you.
I know my OH carried on much as normal but had a few breakdowns too. He's on anti depressants now too. If I ever talk about my worry about a recurrence or it coming back or even dying, he gets very worked up and his voice highers (does this when he is stressed) and goes into complete denial mode.
It sounds like you are having a pretty tough time at the moment. As well as the support you receive from the other users it might help to talk things through with a member of staff on the BCC helpline. Here you can share your feelings and concerns with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as emotional support and practical information. The free phone number is 0808 800 600 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 9.00 to 2.00.
The helpline is also there for family members so please pass this information on to your husband as he might also find it helpful to talk to someone.
I hope this is helpful.
Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator
nikki nothing i can really say but this is my experience and wanted to send you lots of love and hugs.
my partner and i fell out last year after getting through my second primary diagnosis. id found out i had a gene mutation, he was getting made redundant and i was having a hysterectomy which meant our plans to have a family together were definitely over.... we went down hill and we really didnt talk much just sat in the same house ignoring each other... fun NOT!
he moved out for a while although we were still seeing each other but even that was getting stressful, then i went on holiday in the summer and came back planning to end it all but we went out and had a fab time and he was like he used to be... then found out he'd been seeing somebody else when i was on hols 😞
was gutted about that and then was diagnosed with a recurrence of BC a week later.
we did a lot of talking and i felt that i still wanted it to work if he did and after another few weeks we have been getting on great and now i have started chemo again its really good to know hes there to support me... although i do have to keep asking for reassurance.
doesnt help that both my daughter and sons fathers went off with other women so the trust thing is a major issue for me.
i think with my OH he was depressed because of his job and my diagnosis and he didnt get any help and didnt want to talk about it so it just festered away... but now we are both making an effort and life is good again.
love Lulu xx
I was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer 3years ago this week, I had had no primary diagnosis & no symptoms - it came right out of the blue and devastated my whole family. I was initially told I had 'months' they weren't specific but we assumed 6-12 and lived our lives accordingly. We had our mortgage paid off by a terminal illness policy and had some money left over so we holidayed, had a big party for all my family & friends and treated our two daughters.
I have since begun a trial drug which has worked miracles, it reduced the cancer by 69% after two doses and has since kept everything stable, life had to get back to normal - but how can it be normal!? I have struggled over the past 3 years and my husband has been my rock, he struggled obviously but he kept up the mantra to live life everyday, make the most of what we have etc etc. Until recently that is. He's become distant with me, going out all the time, sleeping on the sofa etc. He's denied there's anything wrong until this week, tonight he's broken down and admitted that he's struggling to accept our situation and the longer it goes on the harder it gets. He says he's started resenting me. I just wondered how your other halves have coped? is there anything I can do to help him? He says he has to sort it out himself but I feel so helpless