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How has breast cancer affected your relationships

9 REPLIES 9
applestreet
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Hi everyone..Madjock..total condolances to you..and another massive hug from me..I've got a small problem with my OH but these things work themselves out in time..I have experience of cancer loss..it's totally normal what you are feeling..it's 5 yrs on for me..not my OH but my son which is different..it's normal to feel angry and wanting to rail against the world..this will settle down it time..you will get through this..be kind to yourself..another HUGE hug to you..apple

NAZ
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Oh Helen, what a complete and utter waste of space this 'man' is !
You moan away, because i also know from reading your other thread, what a hard time you have had with your surgery and reconstruction, which makes it all the worse!
My OH has stood by me for almost 4 years. We now face the biggest challenge of the journey yet, which is to take legal action against the hospital i was first operated on, for the substandard care they provided with regards to my reconstruction ,so i do appreciate i am very lucky there.
I TRULY hope you will gain trust again at some point Helen, but not now. You need to focus on regaining your self worth and confidence, that is what is most important right now.
Do you have other support, friends and family? I am pleased you are seeing a counsellor. As Tollibelle said, you will come out of this, a much stronger person for sure. You will find strength you did not know you had, skills you were unaware of and an empathy and compassion to be proud of 🙂

Madjock, i am so sorry to hear of the sad loss of your OH.
GIJane has hit the nail on the head. Your feelings are totally normal at this stage and totally justified.
Do be gentle with yourself and take each day at a time.

These journeys are tough, we all suffer in different ways. But one thing is for sure, we can all understand one another and be there to offer support and a listening ear.
Take care all.
(Helen, i will be back to check in on you later in the week)

xxxx

Scaredy_Cat
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Madjock,

I'm so very sorry to hear your news. What happened to me pales into insignificance in comparison. As GIJane says, your feelings of guilt and anger are normal and if I were in your situation I think I would feel the same. Although you feel angry and guilty try to remember that your OH must have loved you so very much and hope that as time goes on you will remember that love, albeit with some sadness.

As Jane says, this is a safe place where you can scream, shout and rant on and where there are people will send you lots of hugs, love and support.

Helen x

GIJaneH
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Oh Madjock, I'm so sorry.....

I iunderstand your guilt - I think I would feel the same... however, guilt is very common in the early stages of grief, as is anger. It's reasonable (normal) to feel furious with him for dying and leaving you.
Ultimately, he was responsible for his own health, and, had he had any inkling how serious it was, might well have made different choices. There are so many stomach conditions that rumble on for decades with no problems, it's hard to know when to see the doc...

Shout. Rant. This is a safe place.... Have a massive hug...

Jane

Madjock
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Helen I was really saddened to read your post. Sadly there are lots of people out there who can’t cope with illness in others so they take the coward’s road and don't look back but at some point in their life they will realise what they did and feel shame and regret. I’m in a slightly different position. My OH looked after me well last year when I had mx, anc, chemo and rads, treatment finished just before New Year. He didn’t complain when I bitched about things he did/didn’t do. Just as I thought things were getting better and I was feeling well he upped and died 10 days ago of bowel cancer. I am so angry at him for not telling me he was having problems, he kept it to himself, wouldn’t go to the doctor. I’m angry and feel guilty at the same time. Last year was all about me me me, I should have noticed that there was something wrong but I didn’t because I was too busy thinking about me, hence the guilt.

GIJaneH
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

oh wow... gentle (but firm) hugs to you both.... I don't normally swear, but there is word beginning with B and ending with D that comes to mind.

Going through treatment is not easy, but it is do-able. Like Apple, I am fortunate to have a supportive husband, but it was my daughter and friends who made the biggest difference to the process (more intuitive), so I hope you have support from other areas. Having the pain of a fractured/destroyed relationship on top of coping with diagnosis & treatment is rough though... hope you both have good counsellors on hand...

Jane xx

JessieBearsMum
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

I just want to reach out and hug you, the same has happened to me litterally on Thursday, not quite the same but I discovered that he has been cheating on me, initally tried to deny it but once presented with the evidence could not deny it and has been ejected back home to his mother where I hope he rots in hell,. its bad enough to end a relationship but do these men have no reality of their timing? I hate to think how far down the line he would have gone and I thought we had a relationship that was strong enough to see us through this difficult part and it is only a little while in the grand scheme of things. they are the lowest cowards if they can consider thinking of this at a time when we are fighting a very hard battle.

anyway enough of my rant, tears are rolling down my face as I type its too raw at the moment, I feel very alone, I have chemo Tuesday where I swap to the T part of Fec-t so I have no idea what it will do to me, fortunately the children are now here this week but for the first time for a long while I feel totally alone
hugs for you Scardie Cat I know just how you feel xxxxx
applestreet
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Hi..sympathies to you SC but as Tollie says he is one giant A***...you are no different a person post Mx than you were before so it's basically his loss!!!...I am fortunate to have a good husband..he has given me great support and has looked after me for the past 2 yrs from dx to now...there is only one small downside to this..he can't seem to be able to accept that I can and want to do things for myself again..I think he likes me being dependent but that is not in my nature on a permanent basis..it sounds ungrateful when I write it down but that's how it is..our relationship was strong before but is stronger now in many ways..Tollie is quite right..if you are single then you don't have to keep up a brave face..I tended to hide a lot of my feelings from my family during my treatment and even now..SC..you now know where you stand with this man...when he realises the mistake he has made..tell him to go ****!!! ..you will get through your treatment and life will settle down..best wishes to you both..apple..

Tolliebelle
Member

Re: How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Oh Helen what a dreadful thing to have happen when you are in such a delicate state! He is an A******E of the highest order and does not deserve any further mention.
I am glad you are getting help/got help through your counsellor. I am certain you will come out the other side a much stronger person. And just to say you really don't need a man in your life to feel complete. I am single and have been through my treatment alone and coped very well I actually think it has been easier for me as I haven't had to keep up a front for anyone else's sake and can do what I want when I want. I do have friends and family obviously but live alone except for animals ( sometimes think they are better than a man!!!)
Good luck for the future and I sincerely hope you get to give the above mentioned a taste of his own medicine at some point!
Best wishes xxxx
Scaredy_Cat
Member

How has breast cancer affected your relationships

Hi everyone,

I know that a great many husbands/partners have been really supportive which is very heartwarming to hear but it’s very sad for those that don’t. It certainly sorts the men from the boys.

Unhappily, I come in the second category. After a 14 year relationship with someone I thought would be there for me through the worst of times as well as the good times only to be told in a text message the day after my op that he didn't want to know anymore. The op was a mastectomy and lymph node clearance on the left side. I had been very positive up until then, thinking I had his support, but for him to do that has left me very emotionally scarred. He hadn't got the guts to come and tell me in person. All I can say that the he is a coward of the worst kind. His actions have made me very insecure and made me lose all my self-worth. Without the help of a wonderful counselor I believe I would have had a complete breakdown. I know that I will never be able to trust a man ever again because I had my love and trust broken in a text message. Who ever invented the mobile phone has a lot to answer for. Enough of my moaning.

All my thoughts and prayers are with those who have found themselves in a similar situation and for all of you who are having treatment, of any kind.

Lots of love and hugs (careful ones in some cases), Helen xx