How's anyone else coping Six months after treatment....?

[Treeze]

Hi Leigh..thinking of you.How are you doing? X

[Eian01]

Hi Leigh,

Its hard to iagine what you've been through!  However, it sounds to me that you've so much going on in your life at the moment anyone would feel overwhelmed. We are all here united by lump so just take it easy and don't try to do too much! 

Spread smile where everr you go 🙂

[Janey2]

Hi Lizred. It's amazing what unites us all - genetics, lumps and amazing strength. Leigh you have sometimes posted on the fluffy cake thread. We were discussing harmful relationships yesterday. I lasted 15 years. 11 years on I've survived and thrived. I hope you are able to work together to find the right solution for you xx

[lizred]

Hi Leigh

just been reading this post and wish, as I'm sure everyone does, I could do something practical to help other than reply on here, but that will have to do. I spent 18 years in what, I gradually came to realise, was an emotionally abusive relationship - my ex (yes I did finally summon up the courage to leave) also hated his job, couldn't cope with any stress so would pass anything and everything to do with home or our son to me to deal with, and seemed to take it as a given that he would go out several evenings a week. If I tried to discuss or argue it, sometimes he would seem to see my point of view but then very quickly revert to previous behaviour and sometimes he would essentially blame me for everything. I got very low, eventually went to my GP and found myself a counsellor who helped me see it wasn't all my fault or responsibility. Anyway, I'm not saying all this to take over with my story, just I hope to help you feel its ok to find more help and support from somewhere with everything you have been going through. And I'm also not saying your relationship is doomed - this could be a patch where both of you are struggling  with what is going on for you and your husband isn't handling the stress very well - there's always the potential to change. I would definitely urge you to find someone to talk it through with - a helpline, a counsellor, a support group - so you can start to get some perspective on things and not feel like you're chasing your tail and getting nowhere - its a horrible feeling.

Re what forum should you be on - I had a similar quesion a few weeks ago when I came  back here after biopsies on a lump in my oesophagus - I was going spare with anxiety but didn't know if I 'belonged' to the breast cancer group any more. The responses I got were wonderful and I'm not going anywhere for now!

hugs xx

[Janey2]

Leigh, Ann is so right and there is support out there, although sometimes tricky to find. good luck and take care of you. You have taken a big step in making that call. See if you can access some counselling to frame what you would both like and need to feel safe xx

[ann-m]

hi Leigh,
Sorry to hear you are going through this, but although it doesn't feel like it, you are now recognising that he is showing a pattern of controlling behaviour & can start thinking about how you want to move forward on this.
It is not you.
This is more common than you think & there is advice & support out there, it is important you feel safe. You have already taken the first step by calling womens aid, there is
the 'Survivors forum' & your local area may have a 'One Stop Shop' service to talk things through, Citizens Advice' or your local Childrens Centre will also be able to advise.
do take care
ann x

[Leigh446]

Hmmm. Am in a bit of shock...a frien mentioned that not being able to visit my mum without a lot of guilt etc off hubby was emotional abuse, and after a lot of dithering, I called woman's aid and they said, yup, it is, your hubby is bullying you. 

Now back to awful treatment levels of stress and fear. Tried to suggest visiting my mum at Easter yesterday and couldn't cope w the row so tonight I avoided him. This isn't good! Don't want to live in an episode of brookside! Want own job and own money!

he came in tonight and just grumbled. Fair enough, he's tired but daughter said, mum, is dad a bully? What do I say to that?!

was already exhausted and scraping along on the bottom, now I have come to a stop. Help! How do I get going again?

and the other thing is, now what forum do I go on!

[Janey2]

Thanks Fif66 for the reassurance. I guess I must be a couple of months behind you, so very helpful to know it will get better! X

[Fif66]

Janey it will definitely get better.  I think it varies a lot from person to person but anything from a few weeks to 2 years seems to be normal.  I had my last radiotherapy treatment at the end of August.  I feel about 80% recovered now and am feeling a little bit better each week, but it's been a long hard slog.  Just take it easy and don't try to do too much!  X

[Janey2]

It's bizarrely reassuring to know others are also struggling with fatigue but I do wish none of us were! I have energy in the morning but then feel like I have flu the rest of the day. I'm hoping there will be some improvement, as I head back to work full time. I see the oncologist tomorrow and hoping she will give some hope this will pass! X

[Leigh446]

And yes, I do deserve it don't I? I do deserve to take time out to go swimming etc. I do deserve to paint. And it will get better, you are right. I know that logically, just don't believe it!

Cancer sure does highlight things and pokes them till they hurt!

thank you everyone. Reading this thread back is amazingly brilliant.

[Leigh446]

Thank you ladies. I feel like a sponge at the moment - desperately soaking up all your reassurance!

its wierd to be so needy - and to admit it too. One of the things you learn, I think - to ask for help. 

i finally called the bc nurse and she took me off tamoxifen to see if i should have diff drug. Well! Mood and energy improved immensely. Hurrah! So I wasn't going mad. Still horribly anxious about life..and now about letrazole they are talking about. Don't want weak bones! Do want to be on a beach in the sun!

now 8 months since treatment. Still can't get my head round it!

[rubycat]

Hello Leigh, ditto to everything Fiona has said, especially talking to your husband.  Also, do remember the Helpline here which you found useful before.  This is a difficult process to go through, but you will get through it, please try and find some more help for yourself as you are important and deserve it. xxx

[Fif66]

Leigh have you thought of talking to your GP, or is there anyone else you can talk to?  Have you had a frank conversation with your husband about how you are feeling?

Or on a different tack, is there a time of day when you have a bit more energy?  I find that from 9-11am I feel relatively OK so each day I am trying to do something that's been neglected (tidying, sorting garden,  ironing clearing stuff for charity shop etc).  I am making VERY slow progress but just taking baby steps towards a goal  makes me feel that I'm making progress.

Big hug for you darling.  It's so hard right now, but don't worry, everything is going to be fine.  Fiona.  XX

[Leigh446]

does anyone else need reassurance that this is normal.?

now 9 months after treatment. Can I still be tired/ freaked out/ lost and confused/  very very guilty cos hubby tired at job he hates and I'm at home. Therefore feel guilty and anxious and don't stop. But it's endless. Just got in from Asda, looked at ironing and washing and it was when I realised I was scooping cold pasta out of the pan for lunch that I thought I'm doing something wrong. Need to not be doing this, help!

[Leigh446]

Thanks! I am trying to be kinder to me. Maybe it's an attitude rather than taking time out?

i think anxiety compounded by having so much to do and not knowing where to begin, like a rabbit in the headlights!

hubby hates job so brings that stress home evry night - I get anxious when he walks in the room, I just want him to be happy. Says we need to be ready to sell so I'm to do up house, tackle overgrown garden, look after two kids,  update my skills to get a job, earn a lot so he can start his own business, exhausted thinking about it! And then all the advice is to look after yourself. ' why not gat a massage?' Etc. Really, how? With what? Looking after myself means cooking a veggie dinner on top of something for the kids, so that's more work. Plus the exhaustion, and the weirdness of the treatment having stopped and what was all that about? Did it happen? Suspect it was just a bad joke leaving me tired and confused and free falling. Very scary. Worried about house repairs costing a fortune, daughter going to crap school, no savings or pension, mum in Spain and can't afford to see her...I used to be very positive and I think that's what is scaring me the most. It's like I've fallen through the looking glass into a horrible scary world. Yike!

theres hubby asking for coffee. Got ta go! 

Thanks for the rant. This has to get better.

[Anita]

Ah guilt Leigh that only us ladies seem to suffer from. We never put ourselves first, do we, even after all we've been through? Be kinder to yourself xx

[Leigh446]

Oh thanks Christine. Must say this is horrible! Talked to one of the ladies on the helpline here and they are wonderful and let you ramble on and offer kind and constructive advice. It really helps knowing Iis not just me. Am going to have a secret snooze now - tho getting scared of that because I wake up with such anxiety. And guilt! Right, cup of tea, leave the pots and let the kids get bored. After all, hubby watching football without worrying!

[rubycat]

Sending you bigger hugs Leigh.  Do hope your phone call has been of help as you do need to talk to someone about how you are feeling.  Don't underestimate how difficult it is to cope after all that you have been through. Just because surgery is over other people seem to expect that you will be a bouncing bunny - that may be true for some people, but a lot of us find this time really tricky.  BCC can also help with counselling, or your GP. It also sounds as though you need to reach out to those around you and ask for practical help with looking after home/family at this time - I'm sure your family/friends would be only too happy to help.  Please don't try and do everything, you really need time for yourself to recover physically and mentally.  I did a Wellbeing Course at my hospital about 2 months after rads, and met a wonderful group of women and we meet up every couple of months.  Is it possible to have a nap in the daytime - just do what you need to so that you are in a  better position to help your family - if you are not right, you can't look after them and sometimes you need to put yourself first, and this is one of those times.  It will get better.  Keep on here as well. Lots of love, Christine xxx

[Leigh446]

Help!

another night waking up every few hours with hot flashes. I'm getting up exhausted to be normal for kids. I'm so anxious all the time it's tortuous. And exhausting. There's not enough time in the day to do everything. I'm overwhelmed. Everything needs mending or decorating. I can't do it all. We're massively in the red and I can't find work...only a few hours till I can call Macmillan. This is horrible. Help!

[Leigh446]

Wow, thank you sooo much ladies for your kind words. Its the first time I've posted so I didn't know what to expect but I have to say what a lovely suprise when I checked tonight! to feel so encouraged by you is incredible. I've hugged y'all right back.

Lesley, Radio is wierd- for what it's worth, my advice is go super easy on yourself when it's over, even though you feel ok. ( relative term!). and then go even easier on yourself. It's surprisingly hard to do!

Christine, thank you, I'll get that leaflet, and call Macmillan. It's wierd - it's like I need to understand what I/ we have been through never mind husband. It's somehow not fitting in my brain! But I'm glad you feel normal now, big thumbs up, I'm pleased for you x

and Anne, thank you too..it's very reassuring to know that it is huge. It is isn't it? I can't seem to get my head round that. And somehow I can't just forget it happened. I will definitely call macmillans tomorrow.and look into counselling. Certainly feel I need it - never felt so like I'm in freefall before. Beginning to be scary! I hope the chemo was ok. And that you're snuggled up and being looked after. It's an odd thing, this cancer lark. there's so many stages, each one tests you in a different way.

thanks ladies, this site is incredible.

[Madmac22]

Hi Leigh, 

i read your post this morning before heading off to chemo and it has been playing on my mind.

i think what you have been through is huge. I know how much I am struggling with all of this. The physical and emotional stresses are immense.

I do sympathise with your husband and the fact he hates work. But the multitude of actions he is suggesting are some of the most stressful life events and I can understand how overwhelming this all feels for you.I struggled just reading your note! 

I echo the earlier post which suggested speaking the nurses on this site to get some reassurance about your own personal recovery and increase your confidence that it is very normal to be fatigued at this stage.

i would also suggest that you explore some counselling/life coaching either your own or with your partner. A good counseller/coachwould be able to help you work through these issues, prioritise them and work out an achievable action plan to help you move forward so it doesn't seem such an insurmountable mountain. I know my local Maggie centre can help with this- but don't know if you have these where are?

And, of course, use all the people on this site to lean on. They have been so helpful to me so far. 

Anne

[rubycat]

Ooops, sorry BCC, mentioned the M word, when I meant your own brilliant phoneline! Can't even blame chemo brain.

[rubycat]

Hello Leigh, first of all you are not being ineffectual! I had 2 lumpectomies last year, NO chemo, just rads and now hormone tabs, but am only really feeling myself now.  The emotional side can often be quite a hurdle and you have been through a HUGE amount of physical and emotional turmoil.  My hospital did a 6 week Wellbeing course, which I found of great benefit in many ways - one of which was meeting a group of similar women and we still meet up now.  Also, don't forget phoning Macmillan here, they have all sorts of people to offer help and support.  You are having to face an awful lot of things at the moment - aside from 'merely getting over' all your treatment.  Macmillan do a booklet which your husband might need to look at about how partners might help!! and to begin to understand what you have actually been through!  Sending you a big hug and really hoping that you can get the support you need.  We are always here for you.  Christine xxx

[Lesley21]

Leigh, of course what you've been through (and still going through) is serious!  I've only just finished rads so don't have any idea how I'll feel a few months down the line.  However, it sounds to me that you've so much going on in your life at the moment anyone would feel overwhelmed (if not scared) without the massive BC thing on top.  I can't offer any advice, but am sending you a big hug xx

[Leigh446]

Hi.

ive had a masectomy, chemo, radio and lymph node clearance, finishing at the end of March.

Am not sure if I'm better! I feel I should be.Still tired and achey.  

Emotionally am really struggling. I can't understand if what I've been through is serious. Some sites say it is,husband was good at the time, but it's like I had flu and he's Now totally immersed in his work, which he hates, and doesn't want to see me being tired or looking distressed.

His stress is making me incredibly anxious -he's on his laptop endlessly. he can't stand his job, we have to move..and he says I have to get the house done up to sell,and tackle the garden..I've not done anything on the house for a year so it's overwhelming. and find a job. Which I would love to do, but again, I'm struggling to know what after ten years (!) raising a family. I feel it's me time and I could concentrate on selling Namepictures - my illustrations of children's names which I love to do, but he says to get a proper regular income in advertising where I used to work, but after ten years out, I think I'd be laughed at. I don't know where or how to find work.

I know I'm being ineffectual but I'm getting more and more in a muddle and beginning to feel like I'm losing the plot. Help!