How to have no regrets?
How to have no regrets? Hi All,
I’ll warn you before you read one this is a bit of an emotional subject but I am sure between you will have had experiences which can help me.
My Mum has Secondaries in Spine and Bone and we have talked a lot lately about what will happen when she dies, not that we are planning on that happening for a long while yet!
I’ve been lucky so far in my life in that I have never lost anyone really close and so don’t know what to expect.
What I want to ask to anyone who has been there (or just has some ideas!) what things I will regret not saying, doing or asking while I still can.
There is the obvious, like how much I love her, how proud I am of her and I’ve thought of little things already such as when I have children what names does she like, when I get married what sort of dress would she imagine me in.
Both Mum and I want to use the fact that we have a warning of the inevitable as a positive thing and try and say and do as many things as possible in the time we have.
Thanks in advance¦¦
Lou
xxx
Hi Lou,
Firstly I am so sorry to hear of your Mums cancer. Secondly I want to let you know how brave I think you both are.
I am 26 and I lost my Mum last year to Breast cancer.
I was in the same boat as you, we both knew what sort of time scale we had but when the time came I dont think my Mum was ready as she still had a few loose ends left to tie up.
Anyway. You have covered a lot already in your post, the wedding dress one is lovely. You should have a fantastic day out with your Mum shopping for a wedding dress. Take a LOT of photographs of this day to keep with you.
Photographs and video were the key for me. I love having the many photographs and video I took of me and my Mum together, it really has helped me a lot deal with things.
If your Mum is up to a holiday that might be something nice to do, make it a really good one, as they say, holiday of a lifetime. We are here to live, make the most of it, splash out and give both yourself and your Mum a time to remember!
Think about things you ask your Mum about, anything from health issues to cooking, things that you would see yourself turning to your Mum for advise. Buy a pretty lever arch file and put all your notes in this file for your future.
Ask your Mum what she would like to see you doing with your future. I know from my Mum that mothers want nothing more than to make their children happy and safe so find out what she would like to see you doing with the rest of your life.
If your Mum has any dreams that are not possible, ask, maybe you can do them for her.
Now the sad and obvious one. I spent a few weeks with my Mum planning her funeral. She was wonderful and made all the arrangements and told me what she wanted. The day went brilliantly, just how my Mum wanted it. This is a sad, but important part that needs to be discussed at some point.
Talk about other family members and close friends as well incase theres anyone your Mum wants you to look out for in the future.
Something my Dad left me, which sadly my Mum didnt have time to do, was a letter. Your Mum may or may not have this planned but it was nice for me. My Dad wrote me a letter, letting me know important values in life, telling me how much he loved me and other things, memories, good times and proud parent moments. I cannot express how much joy this letter brings me when I read it. If this sounds nice to you it might be worth asking your Mum if she can do something similar.
This is all I can think of for now. I hope this has helped you a little. If I think of anything else I shall let you know.
Finally… lots of hugs, kisses, sometimes tears, laughter and trips down memory lane will stay with you and your Mum for the rest of your lives.
hug
Helen (firefly)
saying hello lou
when i was first diagnosed and fearing the worst, i thought about what i would want to leave my son. as well as letters etc for him , i thought about leaving a letter or scrap book for the grandchildren i would not meet { my son was 3} . i thought it would also help my husband and son. thankfully that is not the way things have gone but it is something that i have heard of other women doing. some said they passed on stories about they’re own childhood and relatives since gone, i thought it sounded lovely and like something that could be added to over time.
thinking of you both nicci
What a wonderful daughter you are Hi Lou,
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Firstly, you and she have such a good relationship that I am sure that you will have no fear that she didn’t know how much you love her. That’s clear for all to see!
My beloved mother in law died a few years before we had children and since then my husband and I have wanted to ask her so many questions and we really miss her input. We now have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and my husband wants to ask her ‘what was my birth like?’, ‘was I breast or bottle fed?’, ‘what sort of baby/toddler/child was I?’, ‘when did I walk/talk?’. Many of my friends have said that when they have their own children they become really curious about their babyhood/childhood and rush to their parents to ask. I would also ask her ‘how can I have such a fantastic relationship with my child as I have with you?’. When she tells you the secret, can you pass it on to me please?! She’s definitely done something right to have such a close relationship with you.
I would also ask her how to get through the low points in life - what advice she would give you.
I hope you have many many more years with your mum and that she is there at your wedding and the birth of your children, but if she is not in person, I am sure she won’t be very far away in spirit.
Lots of love to you both, Lilly.xxxx
A wonderful idea. The communication between you 2 is fantastic. Lots of things have been covered already, I was going to suggest a journal, put together by your Mum so she can jot down thoughts at any time, not just chat when you are there.
Often things can trigger memories which are quickly forgotten. She could include photos, perhaps memorabillia such as tickets to a concert you may have gone to together, childhood stuff from school. I still have little certificates from my kids primary school sports days, they don’t know I’ve got them so they would be so chuffed to see them again I’m sure.
I think you would cherish such a journal and have a perminant reminder to trigger your memory as you grow old.
Irene
hi lou this is my 6th try at trying to post this and am now getting really frustrated as any other post goes straight through!
firstly i cannot express how well both you and your mother seem to be doing and how all my thoughts are with you unfortunately i have no words of wisdom except carry on with what your doing.
most of my advice toy you is the same as most other people make a scrap book out of wedding mags dresses flowers favours maybe you and your mother could prepare favours of her choice together which would be apart of her on the day( my daghter in law had tiny little perfume bottles from piers and put her own perfume in them) maybe you could also make a little recording of what she would like to say on the day. i know this would be hard but so comforting.
i lost my natural mother (sister) to breast cancer 5 years ago after a 10 month diagnosis and even though we spent lots of valuable time together we never really talk and this was so hard to deal with after so no matter how small or what time of day or night say it. I also lost my real mum last aug with bowel cancer with a 6 week diagnosis. i moved in with my mum and nursed her through this which gave us lots of time but again she did not want to talk about it so we just reminised and laughed and were just together. on the night she passed there was just the 2 of us and i just talked all night to her even though she was sedated for the last 24 hours. we were put on what is called the path way and had all the support of nurses and her doctor and we were totally in control of her staying at home . it was so caring and gave us all especially my mum the respect and dignity she deserved. you are allowed to state and deal with it all exactly how you want to even after. (sorry if this is upsetting and if this gets to you it is because i left this out of last postings and somebody is looking down on us)
anyway other things i have done are to make a DVD of my mothers life from her first baby pictures(1916) and put music to it (fields of gold) it is so heart renching to watch and yet i can hear her all the way through it with little comments and it does help. i sent this to people to celebrate her 90th birthday in oct. maybe you could do this together as a little project. i would also suggest doing a little simple family tree together with your mum as i thought i new all ours but never actually wrote anything down and when i have come to do it i have so many gaps that i cant fill.i think you would get so much out of this as your mother would get so much out of it as well and even if your crying your doing it together, but most of it will be laughter. i am in the process of doing this with my husbands 86 year old uncle and he gets such pleasure out of talking about his life.
the other thing i have is cuttings of plants in my garden that belonged to others from my mothers i bought a white rose she was proud of because it came from a cutting she pinched!!! believe it or not and it came into bloom on xmas day and flowered all christmas! i also have lillies of the valley that cme from her garden but originally came from my nans and they have just flowered and as they flowered i could hear her comments. at the mo peonies of my dads are in full bloom and i can hear my mum and see my dad with big proud smile on his face.
sorry to ramble just hope you might be able to take something from this and maybe add your own bits together. it hard to express on paper but all my thoughts are with you just laugh hug cry scream together but at least you will of done it all together.
i am sending you lots of hugs and love
take care
mandy x x x
p.s know grammer and spelling are bad many appologies