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Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

I'm glad this has worked for you. It has not worked for me. Oh lapped up all the attention and sunny disposition and felt nothing was wrong he became more sullen and told me that I needed to take charge and tell him what to do. I refused as this is alien to my character. We have reached impassioned. I am detached and he thinks antidepressants will cure him without any effort on his part. I applaud you for trying something different. I'm trying everything I know to do before leaving the relationship. We have 2 sons 2 and 6 whom we have adopted. Counselling for now. Thank you beautiful ladies for listening. We are more than our scars!
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Hi Dizzy

 

And I can feel Motorhead in mine - my OH glued to Glastonbury on TV - aaargh!!!!! Lol Smiley LOL xxx

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

How true is that FeistyFlora. I can feel the song 'Freedom' by George Michael in my ears!!! Lol xxxxx
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Hi Dizzy

 

Yes its me Smiley Happy- that nuisance back again!  To hell with mess is what I say - it's only a bit of dust, it'll keep.  Thinking of you and hoping you are finding rads as easy as I did.  As for being lonely, there's nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that isn't working.

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Hi riversidedawn

 

According to the See-Saw theory if what you are doing isn’t working, try doing the opposite.  When your OH returns from the Rugby Club smile sweetly, give him a big kiss and say “did you have a lovely time dear?” At the very least he’ll be confused (especially if he's expecting you to be mad at him!)  As far as my OH is concerned I find that if I am in a happy jolly mood  when his pals ring to ask him if he’s ‘coming out to play’ he'll often surprise me and tell them “Nah, I’m not bothered” but if I am in a stroppy mood I can guarantee that he'll grab the chance to escape.  Men are simple creatures really aren’t they?  They just want to be in the company of someone with a face like this  Smiley Happy rather than like this Smiley Sad

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

After reading all this girls i'm glad i live alone. Yes my house is a mess at mo as i'm going through rads but I couldnt care less. It can be lonely at times but the sense of freedom and liberation is bliss xxx
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Great idea feistyflora but don't think it'll work for me. He does what he wants anyway without asking! Although today he asked if we're doing anything a week on Sunday as he's volunteered to help at the rugby club - it's only our daughter's birthday party which I've been organising for months! I did tell him yes dear you go off and help, you're not needed!!!!
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - Not a 'surrendered wife' - honest!

What a lovely thing to read Feisty Flora! Think you have hit the nail on the head though, I can be a real bossy mare but have always let hubby feel like he's still the head of the house, he's not the boss but neither am I although I get my way most of the time! He's really stepped up since I was diagnosed and taken total control of the house, our kids are grown up so don't really need looking after but he's done that too and taken care of our puppy, all whilst working as much as possible to keep the money coming in, now I'm through treatment and back to normal I've taken back the reigns a bit but he's not slacked off and is still doing all sorts of things he wouldn't have done before and constantly telling me how Proud of me he is, we've never really argued but it's not even on the agenda anymore, life is far too precious 😊
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - Not a 'surrendered wife' - honest!

Feisty Flora I will be trying this at home and look forward to some excellent results.  My OH is a very sweet man but he is as stubborn as a mule.  

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - Not a 'surrendered wife' - honest!

Some wise words there feistyflora Smiley Happy I'll give it a go, not sure what it will do to my blood pressure but I'll keep you posted!

 

 

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - Not a 'surrendered wife' - honest!

Bob Hope the legendary Hollywood comedian used to tell the following old joke about marriage – “Never go to bed on an argument – stay up and fight!” Well when my op was done and I had finished all the chemo and radiotherapy I felt ok physically but so exhausted mentally. I craved peace, so I decided to cut out all superfluous chit chat and only speak if I had something vital to say. All I wanted to do was ‘chill-out and relax’. I couldn’t be ‘bovvered’ to ‘sweat the small stuff’ any more – it was too much hassle. When hubby said defensively “I want to watch the drama on ITV” I didn’t protest and say “well I want to watch BBC” I just chirped “fine” and tossed him the remote control.  When he mulishly said “I don’t fancy fish for dinner, I fancy meat pie” I replied “right, meat pie it is then”. When he said I am going to move that plant in the garden I didn’t say “it won’t thrive there” I said “you know best dear”. When he said he was going out to see his friends I merely smiled, said “ok – have fun – see you later” and waved cheerio. This wasn’t a deliberate ploy on my part, I wasn’t doing the ‘surrendered wife’ thing – I was simply being lazy and selfish, tossing the ‘reins’ of the ‘marriage carriage’ over to him, in effect saying “I am too tired, I can’t be ‘a***d’ (to quote a teen phrase) it is too much effort making all these decisions - here, you take control”. However after a few weeks of this sort of behaviour, by me, things got really interesting. Hubby has always been the pragmatic type, definitely not given to flowery compliments, but to my utter amazement, after a few weeks he started making comments like “your hair looks nice”, “I like your new slim figure”, “you’re wearing earrings”, “that dress suits you”, “I like that perfume you’re wearing”- it felt weird as though he was ‘courting’ me! One day he just blurted out something so romantic (& so out of character for him) that I nearly fell off my perch in shock and I had to ask him to repeat it to make sure I wasn’t having an auditory hallucination! (No I'm not saying what, its private). All I have to say is that nowadays we are both much happier and we don’t bicker at all. I am not quite sure how this has come about but this seismic shift in the dynamics of our marriage has taken us both by surprise. I just may have inadvertently stumbled across something rather interesting. If things don’t seem to be going right for you, marriage wise, and hubby is being stubborn and uncooperative why don’t you just give the “yes dear, three bags full” routine a go for a bit and see what, if anything, happens.  What have you got to lose?

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - going 'loco' parentis

You know I have been pondering again about all these inconsiderate men. I admit that l have giggled in the past when I have overheard some old couple referring to each other as "Mother" and "Daddy" but I think in every marriage there is an element of this sort of thing and deep down a lot of men do expect their wives to 'mother' them as well as the children. I often say to my hubby "put your scarf on it is cold" and he says to me "stop rushing you will fall". I think a lot of husbands just don't know how to cope with this thing called 'cancer', they just want wifey to carry on comforting them. (This doesn't mean that I am making excuses for them though because they should definitely muck in and do their bit.)  Incidentally ladies, have you pointed out to your other halves that if you have to carry on doing everything yourself you will be far too exhausted to indulge in any 'hanky panky'?  Maybe that will galvanize them into action.

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

"Goes blank and grunts" - yes, they all do that at times, even mine, I think they call it selective deafness.  Perhaps it is just his age.  My hubby is considerate and thoughtful now that he is older and wiser but it wasn't always that way.  He sulked and asked me why I couldn't walk any faster - when I was 8 months pregnant with our first baby!!!  When we went out for the day with all his family he just dumped me on the beach with a baby and a two-year old and cleared off to the pub, then he went out in a rowing boat - he was gone for hours - well at least one of us had a good time!  Thankfully he is a reformed character these days.

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Believe me, all of the above have been tried. No washing, shopping, etc but the the kids have no school uniform or food!! His knee is the straw that broke the camels back really and his expectation that I'd cope.

Ive tried telling him about rads and ses but he goes blank and grunts. The he asked if its going to impact on our holiday so I told he yes and he'd better get used to the idea I may not be going!!!
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

He does sound very thoughtless - makes my hubby seem positively saintly by comparison - (but then he has had years and years of intensive training, by me!!!!) I just wondered - are you a 'perfectionist' re. housework? - If so, perhaps you need to lower your standards a bit at this time. Could you ask the nurses to have another quiet word with him? Also, have you made it crystal clear what tasks you need him to do?  Be very specific - write a list of jobs stating exactly what you expect from him, for example a) I want you to clear the table after meals, b) I want you to load the dishwasher etcetera - and don't let him wriggle out of it by saying he doesn't know how to do things - he can learn can't he? (Tip: praise him effusively when he does do what you want - ha, ha, it is a bit like dog training really!!!!)  Meantime, if I were you I would beat him to the bathroom and run yourself that bubble bath (before he can get a look in).  Also, if you feel shattered, lie down on the sofa, put your feet up and just nod off (or pretend to) - let him deal with the kids for a change. As for arranging trips and holidays (just for himself I presume???) during your radiotherapy, words fail me!  Very last resort, throw a 'hissy fit'. Ooh, let me at him, I would soon whip him in to shape for you.  Hope some of this helps.

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

he is acting like a man - most are wimps

 

Seagulls

 

If you want to get them to do things stop doing them yourself and listen to fifty ways to leave your lover and get inspired

 

The voice of reason

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Pidlington say sound out of the same mould
I'm totally exhausted and struggle to get the kids up and out in a morning, I need s sit down for a hour when I get back! I'm dreading radiotherapy with an hour commute each way at 8.30am so will have to have kids out half an hour early for 3 weeks - some chance!!!

Hubby gets in and says how tired he is, sits down for his dinner the off to have a nice bubble bath whilst leaving me to tidy up, set dishwasher, washing machine etc that's miricales which he hasn't realised were not auto load and unload devices until I went to hospital!!

He also timed a knee reolacement for 3 weeks before the end of chemo of I had to have my treatment then send 3 days popping back and forth to see him until they sent him home for nurse chemo to then to his needs ...... Roll out the bell and 2 kids eager to earn pocket money!!

I do think he's in denial if I give him the benefit if the doubt. Both surgeon and onc have told him how serious my treatment is and how I need help and support. He looks at then sweetness and light, then forgets when we get home and starts planning trips and holidays during my radiotherap??!!!

Will we ever knock them into shape? X
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Oh you are not alone.  Despite being a "health care professional" my husband was pretty useless when I was going through treatment.   At one point, when I pointed out to him why I couldnt do something (exhaustion post chemo) he said "oh that old chestnut!"  He was never a help domestically anyway, and his idea of helping me, because its my job I suppose being female 🙂  is to wash up - folks we have a dishwasher!

I would just like to mention as well that, maybe to avoid a row, I pretty much carried on as normal during treatment (chemo, surgery, radiotherapy), getting up and seeing the kids off to school, commuting into work when I could, doing most of the domestic stuff such as the washing and cleaning.

 

Maybe he just couldnt deal with it and didnt want to acknowledge what me having cancer meant (the mean part of me thinks because he would have to do more). At times I felt (and still do feel) like an inconvenience, but I was surrounded by and supported by my sisters and friends and maybe he felt left out.

 

2 years post DX now and clear thankfully. I am on Tamoxifen and dont sleep well due to getting cramps, however I dont feel able to talk to him about it as he just goes on about how tired he is.  Oh and in case you were wondering I am still doing all the cleaning and washing!

 

 

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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

Alibaby my husband's the same but was only DX last september., finished Chemo in April and about to have reconstruction and radiotherapy.

Husband has bee useless throughout.
.. Too many stories to tell but I get questions like: are you making bread today, shall I leave the ironing board out for you, what colour washing are you doing, when you cook dinner I don't want any pasta..... Then he lists a load of household maintenance jobs which "we" need to do! I'm waiting for him to get stuck in! Worried I've got this for 10 plus years!!!
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Re: Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

If you really need him to just tell him. And if he doesn't stop cooking for him or washing his clothes. But depends how badly you want him to, as it could result in some big upsets.... Otherwise grin and bear it, but definitely get someone else to help with heavy jobs, and tough if it wounds his pride.
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Husband still doesn't help - how do I get him to act like a man?!

I had BC with reconstructive surgery, augmentation, followed by chemo, & radio ten years ago. At the time my husband went to pieces a bit and although working from home, we ended up asking friends to come in and help me with housework etc.

 

In the intervening ten years, I have had the left breast operated on and replaced twice, the right implant replaced due to a rupture and have just discivered that the left has ruptured badly so I need yet another op to replace it again!

 

I am a bit of a busy-body and have always run regularly, but have had to stop until a good six weeks post-surgery as the ruptured implant is pressing on nerves and hurts. However, I'm still doing all the physical jobs around the house, taking bins out, mowing the lawn, heavy weeding, trimming hedges, etc as my husband just won't. He is supposed to be taking a bag of garden waste to the dump for me but 3 days later it's still on the drive, getting wet.

 

Having spoken to a BC nurse, who asked if I didn't have someone to do all this for me? I had to chuckle as I do have someone who could, but he doesn't! I often end up calling a male friend to do heavy jobs for me, but then hubby complains as he feels that his machismo is being challenged [ya think?!].

 

How on earth do I get him to treat me less like Superwoman and more like Princess Jasmine? I resent being told I'm not Superwoman after all, but there comes a point...!