And I can feel Motorhead in mine - my OH glued to Glastonbury on TV - aaargh!!!!! Lol xxx
Yes its me - that nuisance back again! To hell with mess is what I say - it's only a bit of dust, it'll keep. Thinking of you and hoping you are finding rads as easy as I did. As for being lonely, there's nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that isn't working.
According to the See-Saw theory if what you are doing isn’t working, try doing the opposite. When your OH returns from the Rugby Club smile sweetly, give him a big kiss and say “did you have a lovely time dear?” At the very least he’ll be confused (especially if he's expecting you to be mad at him!) As far as my OH is concerned I find that if I am in a happy jolly mood when his pals ring to ask him if he’s ‘coming out to play’ he'll often surprise me and tell them “Nah, I’m not bothered” but if I am in a stroppy mood I can guarantee that he'll grab the chance to escape. Men are simple creatures really aren’t they? They just want to be in the company of someone with a face like this rather than like this
Feisty Flora I will be trying this at home and look forward to some excellent results. My OH is a very sweet man but he is as stubborn as a mule.
Some wise words there feistyflora I'll give it a go, not sure what it will do to my blood pressure but I'll keep you posted!
Bob Hope the legendary Hollywood comedian used to tell the following old joke about marriage – “Never go to bed on an argument – stay up and fight!” Well when my op was done and I had finished all the chemo and radiotherapy I felt ok physically but so exhausted mentally. I craved peace, so I decided to cut out all superfluous chit chat and only speak if I had something vital to say. All I wanted to do was ‘chill-out and relax’. I couldn’t be ‘bovvered’ to ‘sweat the small stuff’ any more – it was too much hassle. When hubby said defensively “I want to watch the drama on ITV” I didn’t protest and say “well I want to watch BBC” I just chirped “fine” and tossed him the remote control. When he mulishly said “I don’t fancy fish for dinner, I fancy meat pie” I replied “right, meat pie it is then”. When he said I am going to move that plant in the garden I didn’t say “it won’t thrive there” I said “you know best dear”. When he said he was going out to see his friends I merely smiled, said “ok – have fun – see you later” and waved cheerio. This wasn’t a deliberate ploy on my part, I wasn’t doing the ‘surrendered wife’ thing – I was simply being lazy and selfish, tossing the ‘reins’ of the ‘marriage carriage’ over to him, in effect saying “I am too tired, I can’t be ‘a***d’ (to quote a teen phrase) it is too much effort making all these decisions - here, you take control”. However after a few weeks of this sort of behaviour, by me, things got really interesting. Hubby has always been the pragmatic type, definitely not given to flowery compliments, but to my utter amazement, after a few weeks he started making comments like “your hair looks nice”, “I like your new slim figure”, “you’re wearing earrings”, “that dress suits you”, “I like that perfume you’re wearing”- it felt weird as though he was ‘courting’ me! One day he just blurted out something so romantic (& so out of character for him) that I nearly fell off my perch in shock and I had to ask him to repeat it to make sure I wasn’t having an auditory hallucination! (No I'm not saying what, its private). All I have to say is that nowadays we are both much happier and we don’t bicker at all. I am not quite sure how this has come about but this seismic shift in the dynamics of our marriage has taken us both by surprise. I just may have inadvertently stumbled across something rather interesting. If things don’t seem to be going right for you, marriage wise, and hubby is being stubborn and uncooperative why don’t you just give the “yes dear, three bags full” routine a go for a bit and see what, if anything, happens. What have you got to lose?
You know I have been pondering again about all these inconsiderate men. I admit that l have giggled in the past when I have overheard some old couple referring to each other as "Mother" and "Daddy" but I think in every marriage there is an element of this sort of thing and deep down a lot of men do expect their wives to 'mother' them as well as the children. I often say to my hubby "put your scarf on it is cold" and he says to me "stop rushing you will fall". I think a lot of husbands just don't know how to cope with this thing called 'cancer', they just want wifey to carry on comforting them. (This doesn't mean that I am making excuses for them though because they should definitely muck in and do their bit.) Incidentally ladies, have you pointed out to your other halves that if you have to carry on doing everything yourself you will be far too exhausted to indulge in any 'hanky panky'? Maybe that will galvanize them into action.
"Goes blank and grunts" - yes, they all do that at times, even mine, I think they call it selective deafness. Perhaps it is just his age. My hubby is considerate and thoughtful now that he is older and wiser but it wasn't always that way. He sulked and asked me why I couldn't walk any faster - when I was 8 months pregnant with our first baby!!! When we went out for the day with all his family he just dumped me on the beach with a baby and a two-year old and cleared off to the pub, then he went out in a rowing boat - he was gone for hours - well at least one of us had a good time! Thankfully he is a reformed character these days.
He does sound very thoughtless - makes my hubby seem positively saintly by comparison - (but then he has had years and years of intensive training, by me!!!!) I just wondered - are you a 'perfectionist' re. housework? - If so, perhaps you need to lower your standards a bit at this time. Could you ask the nurses to have another quiet word with him? Also, have you made it crystal clear what tasks you need him to do? Be very specific - write a list of jobs stating exactly what you expect from him, for example a) I want you to clear the table after meals, b) I want you to load the dishwasher etcetera - and don't let him wriggle out of it by saying he doesn't know how to do things - he can learn can't he? (Tip: praise him effusively when he does do what you want - ha, ha, it is a bit like dog training really!!!!) Meantime, if I were you I would beat him to the bathroom and run yourself that bubble bath (before he can get a look in). Also, if you feel shattered, lie down on the sofa, put your feet up and just nod off (or pretend to) - let him deal with the kids for a change. As for arranging trips and holidays (just for himself I presume???) during your radiotherapy, words fail me! Very last resort, throw a 'hissy fit'. Ooh, let me at him, I would soon whip him in to shape for you. Hope some of this helps.
he is acting like a man - most are wimps
If you want to get them to do things stop doing them yourself and listen to fifty ways to leave your lover and get inspired
The voice of reason
Oh you are not alone. Despite being a "health care professional" my husband was pretty useless when I was going through treatment. At one point, when I pointed out to him why I couldnt do something (exhaustion post chemo) he said "oh that old chestnut!" He was never a help domestically anyway, and his idea of helping me, because its my job I suppose being female 🙂 is to wash up - folks we have a dishwasher!
I would just like to mention as well that, maybe to avoid a row, I pretty much carried on as normal during treatment (chemo, surgery, radiotherapy), getting up and seeing the kids off to school, commuting into work when I could, doing most of the domestic stuff such as the washing and cleaning.
Maybe he just couldnt deal with it and didnt want to acknowledge what me having cancer meant (the mean part of me thinks because he would have to do more). At times I felt (and still do feel) like an inconvenience, but I was surrounded by and supported by my sisters and friends and maybe he felt left out.
2 years post DX now and clear thankfully. I am on Tamoxifen and dont sleep well due to getting cramps, however I dont feel able to talk to him about it as he just goes on about how tired he is. Oh and in case you were wondering I am still doing all the cleaning and washing!
I had BC with reconstructive surgery, augmentation, followed by chemo, & radio ten years ago. At the time my husband went to pieces a bit and although working from home, we ended up asking friends to come in and help me with housework etc.
In the intervening ten years, I have had the left breast operated on and replaced twice, the right implant replaced due to a rupture and have just discivered that the left has ruptured badly so I need yet another op to replace it again!
I am a bit of a busy-body and have always run regularly, but have had to stop until a good six weeks post-surgery as the ruptured implant is pressing on nerves and hurts. However, I'm still doing all the physical jobs around the house, taking bins out, mowing the lawn, heavy weeding, trimming hedges, etc as my husband just won't. He is supposed to be taking a bag of garden waste to the dump for me but 3 days later it's still on the drive, getting wet.
Having spoken to a BC nurse, who asked if I didn't have someone to do all this for me? I had to chuckle as I do have someone who could, but he doesn't! I often end up calling a male friend to do heavy jobs for me, but then hubby complains as he feels that his machismo is being challenged [ya think?!].
How on earth do I get him to treat me less like Superwoman and more like Princess Jasmine? I resent being told I'm not Superwoman after all, but there comes a point...!