Hi!
I was diagnosed with breast cancer in July 2008 & had a mastectomy (right side) in the August,it was described as a large tumour B grade and I had all but 2 of my lymph nodes removed. I then had three months of chemo followed by 23 sessions of radio. I feel pretty well now & a month ago I had my first 6 monthly check-up.When I was diagnosed both my husband and myself were promised support but have received no help whatsoever. I feel good with my body as it is but my husband of 28 years does not fancy me anymore because I’ve only got one boob now & can’t cope with the situation at all! We went to our GP & all he suggested was Relate!! Are they qualified in cancer issues?
My surgeon was brilliant but the after care we’ve received is virtually non-existant!
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Hi,
I felt so sad when I read your post and then very angry, if I wrote what I really feel about your husbands attitude I would get thrown off the site. I hope this bump gets you some good advice Jellylegs xx
Sadly i think his reaction is all too common. I missed this thread first time around, but there have been others talking about the same issue.
At least your husband has told you what the issue is, presumably. Believe it or not, that is a start.
Others, including my own, are in denial about the whole thing. They say that there is not a problem but there clearly is !!!
Repulsed is a word that springs to mind, although he would never admit it. Julie x
Hi, my husband says he doesn’t fancy me either, but to be honest I don’t care. I have had to accept it, so he will have to too.
I am more than just my boobs!
Men can be idiots at times.
take care, Debbie. xx
Hi,
I had a full left mastectomy in July 09 with no reconstruction (my choice at the moment). A few weeks after the op I offered to show my husband my scar but he declined. He has not seen it and we have not had sex since before the operation. We have not discussed this at all. He seems to have lost his sex drive and I have definitely lost mine (but he always wanted sex more frequently than I did).
He keeps saying it’ll be great when I’m back to normal and that he can’t wait to go skiing/sailing/running with me. I have no desire to do any of these as I never enjoyed them anyway. I would like to do a lot more walking, and I’m going to re-join an exercise class that I used to attend.
Our relationship has changed and I want different things now compared with a year ago.
I suspect that this is very common.
Hi Ladies, god forbid they ever need a Ball Job !!! God men are such bloody wimps…
Sorry I just get so furious when I hear this, what the hell do they think your going through!
Do you know what I would do, arrange a girlie night out and get your sexiest undies out or buy some new, lay them out where he will see them, then get ready, go out dressed to kill! New perfume etc… Even if you just pop round your mates for a coffee!!
your all still beautiful, take care,
Love Teresa x
Hi Bowders,
This seems such a shame as this is the time you really need the comfort of a loving, intimate relationship. I am not an expert in relationships, and I never had a problem fancying my wife after her mastectomy, so I can’t say I really understand you husband’s feelings. However, I do realize how easily an enormous wall can build up between two people, and it seems so important to communicate well.
I may be talking rubbish, but here goes.
I know that we don’t have to go through the trauma ourselves in the way you do, but it is quite a shock for a man when his wife is diagnosed with BC, and undergoes a mastectomy. It all happens so fast, and a lot of readjustment is needed. I said above that I didn’t have a problem, but it still took some getting used to; I could have cried (probably did, in fact) to think of her beautiful breast lying grey and dead on a pathologist’s bench.
I found it helped if I learned to love the scar and the flat chest on that side, and that meant first getting used to the look of it. This was made easier by the fact that she was still happy to walk around nude in my presence. It was never a matter of “being shown it”, I wasn’t given the choice, and nor would I expect to be! (I even had to change the dressing around Janet’s drain at one point - scary.) You mentioned that you feel good with your body, so show that - I think there is nothing more sexy in a woman than self-confidence.
Holding her scar area and even kissing it helped speed things up for me, too, as far as getting used to it is concerned.
You say that you went to the GP together, so he must want to get past this as well. Perhaps you should stop trying for sex and just try for intimacy at this stage. Holding one-another, especially without clothes (or perhaps in underwear if he finds it difficult), is so nice, and could eventually lead to other things, though that shouldn’t be the objective at the start. What about going out on a date - doing the whole romance thing again?
Also, you may want to think about Relate despite your misgivings. Relationships are complicated and someone from outside can see things that are hard to see from the inside. It’s so damn easy for us to misunderstand our partner’s feelings and reasons for them, making assumptions that are all wrong.
Sorry if I am talking rubbish, or if you have tried all this - I only have my own experience of this to go on.
Hi jansman. You are definately a man in a million and she is one lucky lady to have you by her side. You are there for her and accept what has happened is no fault of hers,too many Husbands/partners seem to think we wanted to have parts of our body cut off through choice.Hope she appreciates you! Joyce. xx
I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this or even if I should post it at all since the husband in question is someone else’s & not mine.But basically I’ve been having an affair for 3yrs+ with a married man, & yes I know that’s bad, but I am completely besotted, & his marriage can’t be great or he wouldn’t be involved with me. I left my partner 2 years ago, for lots of reasons; things weren’t right but the main thing for me was I couldn’t live with 1 man while all my attention was on another. I wish my, what’s the right word - lover ?, well, anyway I wish he felt like that too but we have never discussed it.
To cut a long story short, I really thought it would be over when I got dx, this wasn’t part of the deal after all, & then when I was told I’d lose my hair I thought that would definitely be the end. But I was so wrong & he has been brilliant, & has been with me as much as possible. He has taken me to appointments, picked me up from hospital with no bra, lopsided, with a drain attached. He took me to GP & hospital in November when I hadn’t showered for days & my clothes were minging, & then came to visit when I was being barriered & he had to gown & glove up. He is the only person apart from my son & 1 of my daughters who saw me bald, & as for sex, he has been up for it when I’ve been so inclined, & not the least bit concerned when I haven’t.
My only problem really is that I hate it that he’s still with someone else, & with all the support he’s given me, there have still been times when he couldn’t be with me.
I would have to say that having cancer on your own is the loneliest experience in the world !
Wow, and what do we say to that?
I have a husband of 41 years, and l would have been an absolute wreck to have gone through this alone. Never Ever should anyone have to go through this on their own, but sadly many do.
I wouldn’t be able to be with anyone that didn’t love me or ‘fancy’ me for what l am, we didn’t ask for this, and if the boot was on the other foot, would we turn against the person we have always loved! l think not, but that is (some) men for you, the weakest link!
As for you Diwy, very sad that you find yourself in this situation, is it a case of ‘having both cakes and eating them’ or is he ‘really’ in a situation that he feels he cannot get out of!
Good that he has been there for you as much as he can, such a shame he is not brave enough to take the next step, but hey what do l know about his situation. I do know there is no way l could share a guy! all or nothing girl, thats me. And you might be an all or nothing girl, l suppose you can’t force the situation, or can you?
When you feel lonely without your ‘man’ remember the times when he has been with you, it may help!
Love
Sandra xxx
Hi Diwy,
What a truly open and trusting post. I’d imagine that having cancer on your own IS the lonliest experience in the world, but - like me - you’re not TOTALLY alone. OK, you only have a part-time relationship, but he sounds like he’s been amazing and everything anyone could ask for. I’m not addressing his relationship with his wife, only his with you … after all, that’s what we’re dealing with here … YOU. Its only natural that you would crave more of his time, attention and affection, because we all need love, support and re-assurance during this journey.
I guess the only thing for you to decide is whether you are prepared to simply accept what time he can spend with you in order to have what he is offering, or if its time to discuss it to see if more would ever be possible. It doesn’t need to be confrontational, more a chance to simply talk about it and find out what the relationship is about for him. Of course, you’d have to be prepared to hear things you might not want to, but if it was me, I’d want to know. I did have that type of conversation with someone I was having what I’d call a part-time relationship with (although we were both single, we lived separately, at some distance apart, seeing each other only once a month whilst speaking on the phone daily). From our conversation, it was clear that the dynamic worked for him but not for me and so we acknowledged that - at some point in the future - I was likely to end it to find a relationship which better met my longer term needs. It didn’t change the dynamic between us at all and we remained very good friends even after we went our separate ways (quite some time later).
I am - once again - in a part-time relationship because we’d only started dating a few weeks before my diagnosis and I feel tremendously fortunate that he’s not planned his way to the exit. But I am alone most of the time and couldn’t be without the support I receive from friends. I agree with Sandra, when you are alone, hold on to and cherish the memories of the love and support you do receive from him and remember how much worse it must be to be living with your “loved one”, but feeling completely alone when not on the receiving end of love and support.
Take good care of yourself m’dear
Debs x
I felt I was getting close to someone before my diagnosis, he his married. at first it was just harmless flirting, he had never asked me out, but hinted once when I believe he was going through a bad time in his marriage, we where always just friends but obviously attracted to each other and kept it that way, i often wonder if thing’s might have developed in time,
When he hadn’t seen me around for a while he enquired through my sister where I was, she told him what had happended to me, and he supposedly was floored by this news, he knew I was under investigation because I had told him a few weeks before, he said that he would come round and brings some flowers, he never did and told my sister he felt akward and was liable to cry (he had lost a sibling through cancer)
I never expected him to come round but it would have been a nice gesture to send some flowers or a card , was i expecting to much? because I am questioning him now as a person , what do you think
Hi Angels
My first thought was how trustworthy is this guy, to be flirting with you when he already has a wife? even if they are going through a bad patch, you still try and work things through, obviosly losing a sibling, must have been a big thing in their marriage. why mess with someone else’s feelings when you are not free?
If he had been with you, what then, because you are going through a bad patch! would he have stuck around?
Obviously the word ‘cancer’ was a big issue with him, to have lost a sibling through cancer…
Even so, he must have known how bad you were feeling, so a gesture of a card or flowers would have meant the world to you.
But hey give the guy a break, we all have our moments, sometimes we do the right thing and sometimes we do the wrong thing.
Perhaps he often thinks he should have got in touch, to give you a bit of support.
Who knows you may bump into him, or he may still drop a card through the door, but would you want to start a relationship while he is still living with his wife? Big question! even if it was just a bit of flirting or a drink. He still has a wife who has also lost a sibling! how much can anyone take?
Getting a bit heavy here! just looking at it from the ‘wife’s’ side! and how l would feel if l were her!
But thankfully l am not, because only l would put up with my oh! Lol!
Love
Sandra xxx
Hi all,
Goodness this is a hard thread to read and I can only add my own difficult experience. I was first diagnosed 10 years ago after being married only 8 months to the most wonderful man. We battled through mastectomy, chemo, rads,reconstruction and second mast and recon. I never doubted his love and still don’t now having unfortunately been diagnosed with secondaries. Our relationship though is different and not as passionate as it once was. Early menopause, endless scars, extra weight have all taken their toll on my body and both our libidos. We have to make special effort and put aside time to be intimate now as things do not come spontaneously any more. However when it does happen, its extra special and makes me feel like a woman again. I wouldn’t be without him but understand that this disease is happening to both of us.
Perhaps we do expect too much of friends/aquaintances though. many people don’t know what to say and do not want to intrude. Over the years I have had close friends remain out of contact for months from fear, whilst some of the kindest guestures have come from almost strangers.
Louise
I have enjoyed reading this thread, a lot of whats been said strikes a cord with me. I have a loving husband but things have changed. We arent as intimate as before probably due to chemo, weight gain, hot flushes etc. I know he loves me and I love him but sometimes miss what went before. Hopefully as the years pass we will rekindle some of what we had. I know it has been a long, hard, difficult journey for him and I truly appreciate all the patience and love he has shown me. Breast Cancer changes your life.
Carolyn x
What an interesting thread. I was beginning to wonder if it was only me with a duff partner when everyone else had loving OHs prepared to help shave their heads, give them massages, collect prescriptions etc etc. My partner was supportive with the initial diagnosis and hospital stay, however since my mastectomy it has all changed. He is not interested in knowing how I am or how I am feeling. He has never seen my scar or even looked at my body and as for being intimate - never in a million years! I feel I have become invisible. He will not discuss the cancer, he either changes the subject or simply doesn’t reply. He does take me to hospital appointments but he has been paid - he took my HSA hospital payment for the parking charges!He did do some of the housework, hoovering etc until my sick note expired then on that same day his help expired too. He even objected to my sitting in the sun reading a book last Sunday!! (I was returning to work the next day) Divvy, it may not be the right thing to say but at least you have a man who cares, even if he isn’t technically yours. Believe me, cancer is a lonely place indeed with a man who doesn’t.
I understand what your saying sandra,
I have spoken to him since that happened i saw him out, and he asked how I was and sent me a couple of texts, he has never encouraged us to meet up even before I was ill, and although i like him very much, i certainly don’t wish to get hurt, if anything I was texting him a bit to much and decided to back of.
I know their marriage as issues and they married very young and I know their marriage is not my business, i guess you just don’t choose who you like, and although I was ready to meet someone prior to diagnosis this disease as made me feel very vulnerable and made me question the what if’s , I guess it’s e asy with him because he knows that I lost my breast, had reconstruction, had the chemo, and all the rest of it, and one day I have the pressure like others in explaining this to someone, it just isn’t fair.
x
Hi Ladies
I am divorced/single, I divorced my husband cos he was having an affair. I feel when a person is married he/she shouldn’t be looking at having affairs as someone always gets hurt.
I personally would rather spend the rest of my life on my own than put another woman through what I and my son went through, my son at the time was 10, he is now 30 but the relationship he had with his dad was lost and he distanced himself from his dad.
I could never judge another person no matter what they do in their lives but for me it has to be all or nothing as I couldn’t deal with hurting their partner or kids.
We all crave affection but I have to have a clear conscience so for me affairs are a no go area.
I also think a lot of the women/guys who strays in a marriage is thinking of themselves only and not about their partner or the the person who they have an affair with.
Personally, if a marriage is not right then it should be worked at or they go their separate ways before starting a new relationship.
Divvy - I think your lover must really care for you to stand by you through cancer but he has the best of both worlds and you will almost want more but you will never get it as your partner has another family.
Though I sincerely hope things work out for you.
Yes, going through cancer when single is very difficult but that’s life I suppose - we have to take the crap that life throws at us and get through it and try and start again and be grateful that we are still alive.
Take care
x
Oh Angels,
Now you make me feel soooooo very bad!!
Yes l fully understand the feeling of ‘safety’ for you, in the fact this guy knows your history, and l cannot even begin to understand what it would be like for you having to explain to a new guy your situation, going through the questions…at what point do l tell him, will l frighten him off before he has got to know the real ME, and not this dreadful illness that l HAD. so many thoughts would go through your mind.
No it isn’t fair, it is a lousy situation, the cancer is bad enough, but having to explain yourself to someone that you are not quite sure about, whether they will run a mile, or be your brick!
You do what is right for you, obviously you have your morals, l can tell that by you saying you felt as though you should back off from texting!
You deserve to have someone in your life, and l hope you find that special person, who knows you may have already found him!
Good Luck to you in finding that very special person
Love
Sandra xxx