Husbands and Partners
Husbands and Partners I sometimes wish people would remember the husbands and partners of BC ladies a little more. Just for once I’d like someone to ask my husband how HE is feeling instead of just asking about me all the time. He doesn’t have a good relationship with his parents (who are 400 miles away anyway), so can’t really talk to them about things. Thankfully he is very close to his sister and is able to discuss things with her.
I don’t know what I would have done without him these last few months. He had just started a business working from home when I was diagnosed in October and he put everything on hold until about 2 months ago as he said he wanted to be around as much as possible so he could give me the best support.
I’ve had days when I’ve been really unwell and have said some inexcusable things during those times, for that I am truly ashamed as we have been together 23 years, 21 married. He has told me he knows it’s not really me and he just ignores it.
We are 45 and 46 and all we have ever wanted is to grow old together, I hope we will still get that chance.
cherub have neiher but contemporary was saying at Easter that her husband was having a worse time than she was- so your post is very relevant.
It’s great that you think of what the poor chaps have to go through with us. best wishes, dilly
wives as well Hi Cherub
Spare a thought for the wives and partners of men who have breast cancer as well.
I’m coming to realise that it wasn’t just a traumatic time for me but for her. She was - and is - a constant source of support for me.
Best wishes
Bill
my thoughts HI,
This email has struck a cord, a few weeks ago I left my partner who is recovering from breast cancer.
I met my partner 3 years ago, I was going through a tough divorce which lasted about a year. Two days after finally settling in court I was posted abroad for 9mnth. Two weeks before my return to the UK my partner was diagnosed with breast cancer, a further 2 weeks later she was undergoing treatment. Treatment complete mid last year. From then on our relationship started to falter. I now feel the reason behind our issues was little misunderstanding which led to both of us feeling isolated. In the early days during her treatment I and her family took care of her, providing the support she needed. She belonged to a local group who also provided excellent support . Once she completed treatment she started to be stronger but still had to make some difficult decisions in the near future. Now for me the last 3 years have been the most difficult time of my life. The final straw was the possibility of redundancy which I kept to myself. In later mnth I felt that I had no one to turn to who could help, I was mentally and physically tired, I felt ill at ease discussing my emotional and physical state with my partner who was going through this awful experience. My way to deal with this was to react in a negative way and we ended up pushing each other away , eventually I left, her health was more important.
We have been parted for a short time providing space for both of us to think. I’m ashamed the way I acted and some of the things I said. I do love her which I have said. She says she love me but it’s not enough and we need to be happy. She loves me like a brother, I’m at a loss what to do. I realise she need space to think , she is at a difficult time still. We have spoken a couple of times but I have broken down on the call. The biggest fear I ever had was loosing her, this fear on occasion would be over whelming and I felt I had no one to talk to. As for my mental state now, I have lost that special person in my life, but not to cancer, but to my failings to cope. After 3 years of difficulties the pain still continues, I’m at the lowest point in by life, alone trying to figure out how to stop the heartache, pain and the guilt. I wished that I had found support, someone to talk to who could have provided that guiding light. I’m sure some people may read this post and perhaps feel she is better of without me, the last thing she needs is me with my issues, or that the focus should always be on the one recovering and not the partner. I hope in future more support is provided to partners and husbands, I feel this has been neglected. I now Know I have lost the chance to be with her and grow old together.
All of you Take care
From a loving, caring partner who lost his way
Bestrong, please don’t beat yourself up too much, this is a terribly traumatic time for all. Perhaps you would benefit from some counselling in order to help you deal with your feelings?
I have just been very lucky in that OH and me have always had the sort of relationship where we are able to be open and honest with each other. We had been friends for a couple of months then decided to start dating, 4 weeks later we decided we wanted to get married and it was at that point that we said “no secrets” to each other.
That’s not to say everything has been perfect, like most people we have had out ups and downs and have had a lot of stresses like financial. We lived in London for 20 years (met OH down there) and I had to return to Scotland to look after my late father. This meant 14 months of not living together as OH had was in a very senior position and had work commitments. TBH, when he came up here permanently we felt a bit like strangers and had to get to know each other again, I think maybe that experience is what has made us closer. He had just started a business 6 weeks before I was diagnosed (a total shock as I went into hospital as a day case for a benign lump removal - it was hiding the cancer), so this came round at a very bad time for us, but after a period of putting things on hold and living on savings he is now making headway and earning a living, albeit a frugal one.
Don’t give up, perhaps you will find your way again. Good luck for the future.
dear bestrong
i have just read your post, i wondered if there is a maggies centre near you. it is a support centre for all those affected by this awful disease not just the cancer patient. they offer counselling and a whole range of other services , there is also macmillan services there to help . your gp maybe able to point you in the direction of the nearest centre to you. it must be awful to be shut out like this. maggies may be able to help both of you to start to deal with the havoc this disease has brought to your lives and to reach some sort of resolution you can live with.
thinking of you
nicci
I do sympathise Hi,
Thought I would give you a quick reply.
I do feel for you at this awful time. My relationship with my ex husband broke down over two years ago, we tried to make it work and somehow along the way he gave up on me…three days after I was diagnosed with breast cancer…never came to the hospital or visited me all through my treatment. I was hurt so deeply, part of me wanted to hate him, but secretly just wanted him back I missed him so much, I sometimes wonder whether it was him I was missing or the security of having someone around. He made no contact with me during recovery and I tried to move on with my life even though I still loved him, he said at the time he could not cope with the cancer thing, and felt he would only come for what he described as feeling sorry for me, which was the last thing I wanted. Although he admitted part of him still loved me deeply, and I him, we just could not live together. It has been a tough time I am sure for him not as bad as for me, but now after7months he has started to “pop round” for a while, just has good friends at the moment, who knows what will happen.
I am sure given time this could happen to you, just back off for a while, I know its hard because your love is so deep, but hang on in there take it slowly and who knows what will happen, I do know that the more you beg the further away she will go…this happened to me the opposite way round I know, but I am sure in time you could work something out between you.
My thoughts are for both of you doing the traumatic time.
Take care
Elaine
Bestrong. I was touched by your heartfelt comments, and I know the other half usually gets left out and is rarely asked how they are. I have a very strong and supportive MacMillan nurse who made me aware that my OH needed to be remembered too, but not at the expence of my needs.
It’s a hard one to balance. I wish my husband would confront his emotions as you seemed to have done. In the early days he was an amazing support but in recent wks he’s been hard to communicate with. I think he is depressed and he agrees but will not seek the help on offer which I have sought out for him.
Even though I have begged him to get help for himself and also for me (he is very hard to live with in this frame of mind), he says he will then doesn’t. We are now at the end of our savings, he isn’t working (his choice) and we may need to sell the house. It is quite shocking how this illness ruins lives, it’s cruel.
I hope you can get yourself some support, councelling perhaps through your GP, then your wife may be more willing to allow you back into her life, I know I would feel differently towards my husband if he did this, it would show he was’nt as selfish as he currently appears to be.
Irene
thanks Thank you all for your kind words, I have now found help and hope in the future to post more positive news. Good luck to you all
hi cherub I know exactly what you mean - this is going to seem spooky to you but I too was diagnosed in October we are celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary next Weds (been together 29 years) and I am 46 he is 47 - No one ever seems to ask him how he is - we have a 19month old daughter who he has looked after extremly well - I have had a mastectomy 5 weeks ago rads start next week I had chemo first to try to reduce the lump.
My husband started working part time only to take care of us both it must be so difficult for our partners - you will grow old together you have to and so do we for the sake of our daughter. I feel sometimes it is all about me and I know he feels helpless in our battle but we will all make it. I have been put on Tamoxifen now for 5 years.
I hope you are feeling better we do say awful things when we are unwell beleive me I have said some awful things aswell.
Take care and look after each other
Gill xxxxxx