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Husbands perspective


Re: Husbands perspective

Hi Jay, your wife will be will into her chemo by now and I do hope that she is not suffering too much. My wife went throught this nearly five years ago. It took her almost a year to get through the ops, chemo and radio, so that she could start to regain strength and begin to get over the tiredness. I realise it's tough at present, but I just wanted to say that your wife will come through it. We've had four good years since and I hope it does get better for you and your wife soon.
Regards, John
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Re: Husbands perspective

Thank you everyone....it brought tears to my eyes reading your kind words...and all advice taken, and passed on to Mel. The Doctors and Nurses have been great, but until you hear words and advice from those in the same position, do you get the true facts. Mels chemo today was not as bad as she thought, but we know it can change at anytime so fingers crossed. We are off tomorrow to pickup her new wig...very surprised at how good they look (Mel likes it so much, when her hair grows back she will have the same cut/style as the wig!) Going through this opens your eyes to the things that matter most, living life to the full. Lots of family holidays booked for after treatment. Something to look forward to helps a great deal.
Wishing good luck to all, speak soon

Re: Husbands perspective

Jay, thank you for keeping us posted. As said before, feel free to dive in here if you're finding things tough, or point your lovely lady at the site if she's into that kind of thing.

Best of luck with your chemo stint. It's tough, and you'll feel powerless, but just being there for her will help a great deal. Her emotions will probably go all over the place, so if you can, try to keep the lines of communication open. There will probably be times when she wants to get on with doing things she's capable of, and other times when she just wants you to get on with it and do stuff, and you may even be expected to be a mind-reader. It's not easy for you partners, but thank you on behalf of those of us who've had the diagnosis for being so caring.


Re: Husbands perspective

Hi jayh29
The first few weeks are surreal. Appointments after appointments ,as I am sure you are aware then life does get to a semblance of normality chemo for us (well my wife but we are in this together)has not been to bad no sickness except for the first day and then only once. Marg hasn’t had really any major side effects (touching wood as I type)I remember thinking after she had been diagnosed right let’s get on with the treatment and I can start looking after her.
We have had fantastic support from family and friends Marg is 47 so our daughter who is 20 has been able to help out, we have noticed such a change in her since her mum was diagnosed she has grown up before our eyes, from a university student who worked hard and played hard, to a caring kind supportive daughter who we are both immensely proud of.
The only advice I would give (if you don’t mind) is just love her kiss her cuddle her and if she wants to take it out on anyone well I am sure you have broad shoulders’. You will get through this we all will and for myself I will be spending less time in work and more time with my beautiful girls for without them life is meaningless best of luck to you both.

Re: Husbands perspective

Hi Jay, don't apologise for not posting, you have had far more important things to be thinking about.

Just a quick word about chemo - hospitals provide really good anti-sickness drugs automatically and if they don't do the job just hsout, and they can provide stronger drugs. Chemo is not exactly fun, but it is do-able. Some of us get through with few problems, others have a rough ride, but it does pass remarkably quickly, hard though it is to imagine at the start. Just take it one day at a time and plan in some little treats for the 'good' weeks.

Take care and hope all goes really, really well for Mel.

Re: Husbands perspective

Dear Jay,

What a wonderful, thoughtful and caring husband you sound (and you largerbloke).
I am so sorry to hear about your wife, and think you have been given great advice.
When I was dx,and through my treatment my husband was not so good or supportive and I found that really hard to deal with - I was 39 at the time, with 2 children aged 6 and 7 and no-one else to turn to. So I would say you are doing just great and what a lucky wife and children to have you there whilst you all go through this.
I hope that all goes well with surgery and treatment and let us know how things go - the support on here is just amazing and I really don't know what I would do without it.

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Re: Husbands perspective

Hi everyone, Sorry for the long delay...as you know the first few weeks are hectic. Thank you to all for your support and advice.
We now have all the facts: double positive, her2 negative, grade 3, 7cm tumour (now removed)8 out of 18 nodes positive. Chemo day after tomorrow, then rads for 6 weeks.
My wife has been very brave, the one thing she fears above all else is being sick with chemo! crazy. As for me, its been hard trying to stay strong, the worst part is feeling helpless. There are many brave people on these forums, alot of them beating this awful Disease, which is very encouraging. It makes me sad reading some of the posts here, and serves as a reminder life is too short.
Just live life to the full, is the one thing I can say we have learnt.
Take care everyone, will keep you updated, and am trying to get Mel to register. x

Re: Husbands perspective

You've had lots of good stuff there, so I don't have anything to add but a friendly wave and lots of empathy.

Join in on any threads you feel like joining in on, this is a club for everyone affected by BC, not just the person with the lump.

Best of luck for the next few months. It'll be tough but you're not alone.

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Re: Husbands perspective

Good morning Jay,

I hope your day is going as well as possible. It's great that you have come to these forums to share your concerns. My own husband is shy of sharing and has been keeping all his worries to himself, as a result of which he has had a cold for a month and doesn't sleep half as well as I do.

I hope that you find that there is financial help for your family - money worries are the last thing you both need right now.

The children will take their cue from you in their reaction to this. A young friend told me that she remembers playing with her mother's wig and thinking it was very funny. She had no idea that her mother was seriously ill and twenty years later her mother is still around to play with her grandchildren.

Don't be afraid to ask for help from friends and family. Trying to do it all yourself will leave you exhausted and make you less able to cope. You also need to find a little time for yourself. Your wife and children need you around but you need to escape from time to time. I've learned to send my husband out to do something enjoyable when he is looking tired and stressed.

AT 61 with grown-up sons and a pension, I realise how easy my fight with cancer is in comparison with younger women with concerns about family and work. I hope that those around you will be generous with their help. There is an end to this hard time and you will all get there.

Wishing you all the very best,

Re: Husbands perspective

Hi Jay - I am a fellow BC Husband, W are quite a way on - we are approaching a year since the end of treatment.

What to tell the children is difficult. They will notice Mummy isn't the same. It's not just the hair loss. There will almost certainly be steroids which have an effect on appearance, and there will be times when she barely gets out of bed. They will worry, but our opinion was that being open with our boys would ease that a little.

The difficult thing is us blokes are a bit like dogs. We like our wives to notice when we have mopped the floor, or run a load through the washing machine. There were times when for a few days my wife was basically bedridden for a few days. During that time I had to get myself ready for work, get the boys breakfasted and ready for school, get them to school. Collect them, feed them tea and bathe them and get them to bed. The illness set our eldest back, which meant a lot more bedding being washed as well.

I'll second the recommendation for the book "Mummy's lump".

It will take its toll on you as well, but we need to be strong to support our wives when going through something like this.

All being well, 18 months on she will be doing well, and getting back to a normal life. You will probably be closer to the children as a result of stepping up involvement, you will also know who your real friends are. Some you thought were good friends will disappear, others will step up and will either be there, or surprise you with something they do. One example is after the first chemo session we got home to see a cottage pie waiting for us, prepared by one of the neighbours. We knew her, and her children were at the same school, but she was not one of our circle. It just really helped that someone was so thoughtful.

One little tip - when the docs/nurses are telling you about the medication for the side effects, listen carefully, especially the anti nausea drugs. When they say "if she starts to feel nausea, take one of these" they mean "Take one, IMMEDIATELY"


Re: Husbands perspective

Hi Jay and welcome to the BCC forums

In addition to the support and information you already have here please feel free to call our helpline as Revcat has mentioned, here you can both talk through your concerns and discuss ways of gaining further support and information, the lines are open 9-5 weekdays and 9-2 Sat on 0808 800 6000

I am posting a few links to some BCC information publications which you may find helpful, one is the 'Mummy's lump' book which Sandytoes talks about and the other is called 'In it together' which is aimed at partners of those diagnosed, the last link is to the 'Benefits and breast cancer' information which you can download for further information:




Take care

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Re: Husbands perspective

Hi Jay,

So sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis. What a lucky lady to have such a caring husband.

I was diagnosed last May at the age of 33 and had to have a mastectomy and opted to have a double mastectomy due to a strong family history despite not testing positive for the breast cancer genes 1 and 2 (BRCA1 and 2). If your wife would like to ask me any questions about my experience I would be very happy to help.

I don't have children (we'd just started trying when I was diagnosed) but there are unfortunately lots of women on here with similar aged children. I know BCC do a publication called "Mummy's Lump" for you to read with your older one. Wigs are amazing and your wife has a good chance of keeping her hair on chemo if she uses the cold cap (I did).

Dealing with the diagnosis and treatment is enough without financial burdens too. Macmillan do grants and there are benefit schemes that you may be eligible for.

This is a really supportive forum, so if you or your wife have any questions at all, do let us know.


Re: Husbands perspective

Hi Jay,
So sorry to hear of your wife's diagnosis and possible hereditary link, such a lot for you both to get your heads round. I don't know if you wife posts on here, but there are quite a few younger mums who support one another via this website. For yourself there are a few men currently posting - names like theloner.com, largerbloke, homerboy and bigdave who will understand better than I can how it is for you. Hopefully one of them will spot your post and be along soon.

In the meantime you are as welcome as anyone to phone the help line (number at top the screen) or to join in any threads that you think are useful.

I really hope your wife's treatment goes well and you have a long, happy, future together.

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Husbands perspective

Hi everyone, I'm here on behalf of my wife, she was diagnosed two weeks ago with a mixed cancer in her left breast. We found out today she will have to have the breast removed. At 34 years old the doctors are quite worried and are testing for the cancer gene, if positive the right breast will also be removed as a precaution. We are waiting for the hormone test results this friday to determine if she has chemo first or after surgery. As you can imagine we are both in shock and devastated. I just wanted to say how helpless I feel, and am preparing to take care of her and our 4 year old girl and 10 month old boy as well as all the other chores. Its going to be a tough road ahead (just trying to explain to a 4 year old why mummy has lost her hair will be hard enough) Also the financial side will be hard as we both will not be working (my wife has just been made redundant) Not a good start to the year. Onwards and upwards. Jay.