I had
my DX in May 2010 followed by surgery, chemo and rads. Am now on
Tamoxifen. Due to go for my annual mammagram next Tuesday and since I
have received the appointment I have really wobbled. I am feeling very
low and tearful and just don’t want to be bothered with anything. Last
year it didn’t bother me probably because I just saw the mammagram as
proof that the treatment had worked. This year I am so scared that they
are going to find another tumour (probably because my first breast
cancer was only detected by mammogram). Not a day goes by without me
thinking about breast cancer and I worry about every ache and pain. I
feel exhausted most of the time and don’t recognise the person I have
become. I have also lost all my confidence and find it difficult to
make decisions without questioning myself. This is not good as my full
time job involves me constantly making decisions and planning ahead. I
have days when my head feels as if it has been stuffed with cotton wool
and my short term memory is chronic. I told my BC nurse all of this and
she tried to reasure me that this is all normal but she also suggested
that I speak to people who have been through it. Please tell me I am
not going mad!
Elf - firstly you aren’t going mad. Just think what we have been through - on a scale of 1 to 10, it’s up near 10. If we didn’t wobble afterwards, we wouldn’t be normal, especially around diagnosis anniversaries or hospital appointments.
Reassurance is nice, but it isn’t always enough. like you, I was a confident, independent woman who coped ok during treatment. Then I fell apart - loss of confidence, crying a lot and began to think my cancer was back - even though I had a double mastectomy so it was medically impossible! The final straw was when I started to get panic attacks and when I had one driving on the fast lane of the M5 a few hundred miles from home, I realised I needed help and I should have asked a lot earlier.
I saw my GP and was told I had anxiety disorder and mild depression. I was shocked as surely only weak people have this. But actually it made sense. I was prescribed anti-depressants which terrified me, but a couple of months on and I feel SO much calmer, happier and relaxed.
I’m not saying this is what is happening to you, but a) don’t be hard on yourself and b) don’t be afraid to ask for help. Emotional problems after cancer is very common and you wouldn’t be normal if you simply moved on and picked everything up from where you left it before this vile disease interrupted your life. Good luck!
Elf, I was also exactly the same. All the way through treatment I kept myself positive and really had no doubts that all the treatments would get rid of the cancer and that would be that. I had chemo before my op and rads after and I can remember almost skipping out the hospital after my last rads. That was April last year, by the September I was a wreck. Same as you, every ache & pain sent me into a frenzy. It got to the point where I couldnt sleep and my anxiety level was suffocating. Like runnergirl, I went to docs and was prescribed anti depressants. The relief of getting a full nights sleep was amazing and eventually losing the fear that the ‘worst’ was going to happen is bliss. I only needed to take them for about 4 months. I still have some and if I have trouble sleeping then i take one as I find they knock me out within 20 minutes. I’ve no guilt doing this, after all we’ve been through and with all the SE’s we still have to put up with, we deserve to make our lives as comfortable & easy as possible.x
Hi Elf
It’s a horrible thing to live your life in fear and dread of what might be. Wobbling is, of course, allowed - especially around scan time. I’m not surprised you feel exhausted - all that stuff whirring around in your head is going to make you feel pretty shattered.
As runnergirl has suggested, I would speak to your GP. It may be that a short course of anti-depressants might help, alongside a referral to a counsellor (some breast units have psychologists attached to them) Anti-depressants are pretty effective - they don’t suddenly make everything better but they do tend to stop you worrying about things that wouldn’t normally bother you (I say this as someone who prescribes anti-depressants and who has also been on them in the past).
I don’t think you are going mad. I hope your scans are clear and you can start to feel like you are living the life you used to live, not a life lived in fear of what might be.
Good luck!
Laurie x
Hello,
I don’t post much now but still pop in from time to time.
My history: at 42 dx nov 10, lobular. Chemo, mx, full clearance, recon, tamoxifen.
This is how I see things and it helps when I’m panicking to remind myself of this.
Prior to dx I was totally, blissfully happy BUT I had cancer I just didn’t know it. The bl@@dy thing enjoyed a couple of holidays and came to my wedding. Then the bottom fell out of my world and everything stopped whilst I went through the 12months of treatment. Now it’s gone. I DO NOT have cancer until somebody tells me otherwise - I’m actually in a better position than I was pre dx. It’s gone.
Yes it could come back, but we are in a far better position than those who are currently walking around with it but are unaware - like we were. We are checked and listened to and taken seriously. It could come back to me. It could come back to me this year and so I’ve filled my life with pleasure and ditched stuff that annoys me. What if it never comes back? Or maybe doesn’t come back for 20 years - I would be so cross with myself for waiting for its return rather than getting on and sticking 2 fingers up.
Just my way but a view that might give you a different way of thinking.
On a more practical level ‘The Cancer Survivors Companion’ is a book that offers really good advice.
Xxxxx
Stay calm - that is a great way of looking at it. I will remember that. And I second that book and I also found it very useful.
I remember making a promise to myself to make the most of each day after my treatment. But every day life is still there so I ended up putting even more pressure on myself so again, I agree with the above about appreciating what you have and enjoying the simple things that bring you pleasure. I did see a clinical physiologist attached to the oncology dept and whilst it didn’t give me answers, it encouraged me to think about life differently and the need to relax more. I’ve taken up yoga which is really helping (and has improved my running!) and I really try to enjoy where I am now rather than reflecting on the past. Easier said than done, but I’m getting there.
Thank you for all your replies. I was feeling a bit low today and have to confess to a few tears when I read all your replies but feel much better now just knowing that there are people out there who do understand and I am not the only one feeling like this. I too was very positive all the way through treatment and had no real problems. Even chemo wasn’t a big deal. At my last radiotherapy I felt so happy that it was all over and I was looking forward to starting a new job and starting all over again. Everything was fine until Christmas when I had a virus. I realised that whereas previously I would shrug off a cold and just get on with life, I couldn’t do that any more. The virus lingered and I struggled on but never really got back to my previous optimistic and positive self. I made a promise to myself after treatment that I would take up every opportunity and invitation put to me but that has stressed me even more, so now I try to plan activities in advance and make the most of what life has to offer, but that in itself is frustrating because I never had to do this pre bc. I would just do things on impluse - what I wanted when I wanted. 2 years on and family, friends and colleagues see me as cured. I have even been called a survivor by one well meaning colleague. The problem is I don’t see it like that and I don’t feel cured, because every day I am reminded in some way or other that I have (had) bc. I have days when I feel I could tackle anything and days when I just want the world to stop so that I can get off. My bcn offered me the chance to talk to a psychologist but I didn’t take her up on it at the time. I saw it as failure to deal with the situation myself. Reading your posts though I am wondering now if it may not be a bad idea after all. I too have found yoga helpful and I also have a Reiki session about once every 8 weeks (I discovered the benefits of Reiki during treatment and have just found a lovely Reiki practitioner). I find this really does help to re-charge the batteries for a while. Thank you for the advise about the book. Next stop Amazon.
x xx