I am sorry for this rant. Please don't read if you are feeling fragile.

[Guest user]

Hi
This is the time to concentrate on US.
I feel for you, I really do but you need to take time out for you. Forget the b....... and concentrate on you and getting well. We've all been there at some time and you need to forget about anything that went before and now concentrate on YOU. I know I was dx 6 months after my dad died. My mum is 86, blind and has just had a hip fracture. Time is precious.
All that matters is what's happening NOW. BC. Concrentrate on you. I'm 5 years out and have had my fill of problems. Look after yourself.....

[sueH]

Oh Maggy, I really feel for you, you are having a very hard time, with no support from your husband. I hope this site brings you some comfort. I am lucky i have a wonderful partner who gives me lots of support, I have some to spare which I send to you. Don't hesitate to chat if you feel like it. Lots of hugs

[jackster50]

Meggy your husband is a bas***d. He doesnt deserve to breathe the air that you do. You should get a picture of him and throw darts at it. You should also throw darts at a picture of cancer cells.
You will get through this and you will be more stronger and more beautiful than before - Go, go, go, go.

Big hugs and love to you x

[Sam_BCC]

Hi Maggy

It sounds like you're having a pretty tough time at the moment. As well as the support you are receiving here if you need to talk things through please do give the BCC helpline a call and chat to one of our members of staff there. Here you can share your feelings with someone who will offer you a listening ear as well as emotional support and practical information. The number to call is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9 to 5pm and Saturday 10 to 2pm.

Best wishes Sam, BCC Facilitator

[loveisthedrug]

Maggy I am sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading your post I can not do or say anything to help you (I only wish I could) but I just want to send you buckets load of gentle hugs and know that I also send you lots of love, keep on ranting if that is what you need to do, my thoughts are with you xxxxx

[Lozzarooney1]

Oh Maggy
just sending you some super sqidgy hugs and love - I so feel for you lovely lady. It is our secret fear that after all the sh!t that BC brings... to be betrayed. And then having to give out when sometimes it feels like there's nothing left to give.
I so hear you...
love Lozza xx
PS
Apologies for using the brown word! 😉

[meggy]

Just adding another rant. I try to be positive so much of the time but it gets on top of me. I had BC three years ago - bilateral mastectomies, discharged from follow up april 12, husband left me in summer for someone he had been having secret affair with over previous year (after 21 yr marriage), in november I found recurrence in arm pit, now just had clearance (on going complications & painful cording), on zoladex & starting arimidex. My mother has terminal cancer (leukaemia) and needs support. have 14 yr son at home. I feel so abandoned and betrayed by my husband still as I go through all this treatment on my own - and going through divorce and complicated financial stuff. still waiting for results of scans to see whether I have secondaries or not. my mind is almost bursting with sadness, worry, grief for my mother, worry about my father (he has prostate cancer at 88). I know I should be counting my blessings - I know they are there somewhere (my lovely grandchildren) but its just that we don't have BC in isolation from all the other sh*t that goes on in our lives so it all gets tangled up doesn't it? thanks for letting me blow a fuse!! Hugs to all fellow-ranters
maggyx

[Ali_H]

I'm so relieved it's not just me! And that sounds so selfish, sorry. When I was feeling really ill during treatment I would look forward to the stage I'm at now, active treatment finished just the tam and the check ups --- and the constant worry! And I know I have nothing to complain about, but some days I just feel so damn fragile.
Crikey, it really does help to rant it all down!

[Tamarin]

Thank you Louise. I didn't realise both comments had posted. A nice surprise. I am grateful for all the support I am getting. Since dx last July everything has changed so much and at times it is hard to find the positives in life but I do try. I am on a different journey to what I was pre diagnosis and am trying to deal with the changes and challenges. I appreciate everyone sharing their stories - good and bad as it does help put a lot in perspective.
Cheers to all you fabulous ladies!

[Kayteeb53]

Agree with you all. People say 'some people have had it worse than you, yes I know that, and I am grateful. But it's not a competition. We all have BC of a type, all go through illness and discomfort and fear. Have the embarrassment of no hair, constantly dripping nose, frankly exhaustion!
Just let me feel down when I want to, lost my mum when she was 69 to cancer and I am 59. So many what ifs wander around n my head. My YD whispered ' it will be alright mum won't it' Christmas morning. I still cry when I think about that first evidence of her doubts.
I have finished my chemo and about to start rads, you think all good and then you hear of another precious lady that thought she had made it and this bxxxxy awful disease came back.
Sorry to be depressive but I needed that rant
Kay x

[Louise_BCC]

Hi Tamarin

Welcome to the discussion forums, it is good to see that you are already finding them helpful.

I just wanted to say that if you find you need to discuss things with someone independent, do call our Helpline. They're open weekdays 9-5 and Saturday 10-2 on 0808 800 6000.

Do give them a call if you need to.

Kind regards.

Louise, Facilitator

[Tamarin]

I am so sick of this cancer and having to cheer people up all the time. I hate the wig and prothesis and am fed with people saying you are so lucky the cancer was caught early. Put yourself first I am told. What the hell is that. I feel selfish turning down invitations but I just can't be bothered. I just want my family with at this time as I haven't got the emtional strength to cope with small talk and chit chat. I don't want visitors - esp unexpected ones. My home is my santuary - no wig and no prothesis! Hugs to all of you and thank you posting such helpful comments.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Tamarin]

I feel the same way. I was so positive in the beginning but am sick of having spend time cheering people up all the time. I prefer my own company and just concentrate on myself, my husband and our 6 adult children. Only one child lives close to me. The problem is I am so used to caring for everyone else when I am told to put myself first it is a foreign concept to me! I overdid it at Xmas and got an infection under my mastectomy scar which has taken 3 lots of antibiotic treatment with pills and a week in hospital on intravenous antibiotics. I am so sick of the wig and the heavy prothesis. And people telling me I should be grateful the cancer was caught early. I know all that but it doesn't make it any easier. One lady described it as being like a shipwreck and we just have to rediscover bits of ourselves and put ourselves back together in a new way. Sorry for the ranting but thank you for letting me get all this out.

[Guest user]

hi
im new to this,i was diagnosed 3 yrs ago with invasive lobular carcinoma with 2 lymph nodes involved i now have a lesion on my right lung just wondered does anybody else have this have to wait till march for another ct scan to see if the b****** has grown before oncologist will comit to telling me its cancer.............
sorry if on wrong page not sure were to go
thankyou xxx

[poppy333]

Hey ladies
Rant away, u can do that here, n to be honest we have all felt that way
I'm two years post treastment, OK, that's finished, but its replaced by new worries. Follow up appointmerntrs. Trying to slot back into as job you've been away from.worry it will come back
I lost my mom in November, n Xmas was awful, I watched her suffer different types of cancer. We had treatment the same time.
I'm still me but different. I read once that as cancer DX is actually facing that bus comment, not just seeing it.
People say west they want to hear, you'll be OK, thasts cause I can't cope if your not, they are also glad its not them. Only hair they say, , shave yours off then,our shut up about your roots lol
Mwah, xxxx keep ranting hun, it gets u through

[NAZ]

Hi libsue
Sorry you are also experiening 'racing mind' syndrome..it is a nightmare isn't it.
Relaxation and training the mind is the key i think, but i have not mastered the art just yet.

My main aim at the moment is to sleep -then i think i can cope with the other stuff better.

Cold here in Cheshire but snow thawing slowly..
Bye for now
Nax xx

[libsue]

Naz, I empathise with a racing mind and not sleeping. Most nights it's around 5.00am before I fall asleep, consequently I'm in bed until mid morning. One day last week I literally didn't sleep at all, just had an afternoon nap.

My active treatment finished last May! I don't know what can be done............I'm hoping when better weather arrives to be more active and maybe sleep better.

Hope everyone's surviving the snow and cold. It's pretty bad here in Yorkshire.

Take care all, and wrap up well.

[NAZ]

Tracy i had my first counseling session yesterday. I thought that it went well but last night I could not sleep. my mind was racing, it was horrid ! When are things going to get better?

Xxx

[tracyld]

How is everyone coping ? I have been checking threads that I am linked to and was just thinking of you all. Did we get our Rant and Rave Corner ? Maybe this year is the one when the forum gets easier for us all. We love coming on here and getting and giving help and advice but we certianly need it to much easier. This shows by the fact that we have not kept in touch enough.
Praying that 2013 is a year when we make positive changes to our lives so that we are as happy as we possibly can be. Tracy xx

[Kayteeb53]

Oh Jackster, my heart goes oyou to you. I am confident there is not a woman on here that does not agree with the way you feel. I certainly do. We become people pleasers and the time now is to please ourselves. Goodness knows how you are coping at this time after losing your mum! Rant and rave as much as you like, there are loads of us here to help prop you up when you need it.
christmas is about family and keeping a roof over their head is about their security and that's more important than any presents.
there is no way to pretty up this awful illness, people say things to cheer you up and we all find it hard to admit that our thoughts are deeper and darker.
take care all of you and I hope that our rants will be accepted and supported.
love Kay x

[Patchit]

Jackster, did I read that right, you lost your mum just 2 weeks ago? Hy heart goes out to you, you have such a lot on your plate. I lost my mum when I was 18, over 30 years ago, but its still tough sometimes, especially going through my treatment this year. To cope with a bereavemetn at the same time is just too cruel.
As others have said, these threads are a safe place for us to come and rant / rave / vent our frustrations and anger whenever we want. You wont be judged and can always find someone who 'gets' how you feel.
Take care and big hug to you
Joan xxx

[Guest user]

Your rant made me smile as it sums up so much of how I feel at times and now I don't feel like I am completely loopy. I swear the next person who tells me I look well or they like my hair (wig) will have a very sore nose.
I'm another one dreading Christmas I am so unprepared and really wishing it wasn't going to happen. Last Christmas was the start of a nightmare year for our family which I've no wish to remember and I don't think we will ever be able to celebrate it in the same way again.
I could see me making very good use of a rant and rave corner.

[amd66]

definitely need a rant and rave corner, hope the moderators read this and add it as an option. we can then choose to read it or just leave all our crappy comments, better for having written them and then leave them there.xxx
its also just nice to know someone else in another town or village or city is also feeling the same as you, and its normal. i definitely benefit from that thought.

[tracyld]

Hello Jackster,
I want to try and enjoy Xmas because my Auntie loved celebrating so I know she would want us to carry on in the same way but it is so so hard. I am swapping with my Mum as my Auntie always used to come to me for tea and games in the evening but Mum is going to do that this year. We need to try but maybe do things in a different way which is what your Mum would want.
Hope the rant did you good ? I like the idea of a Rant and Rave Corner as we very often need to vent our anger at something and the lap top is exactly the right thing to get the stress out through our fingers !!
Love to everyone Tracy xxx

[Cressida]

Hi ranters,

I saw this this morning and I thought I could do with a good rant too about about what a fat, ugly, old crone I feel. I then went out and tried to park, I say tried, as the brakes jammed on whilst the car was diagonal and blocked the whole car park. I rang the AA who told me my direct debit had failed, so I rang my husband who came out of work and drove the car (with the brakes still jammed and one wheel dragging) into a space. A women who had been patiently waiting for me to get out of her way then said to me - "is that your son?". I was wearing a wooly hat and a fleece but REALLY???

The whole thing made me want to crawl into a corner crying and never come out again. Small things are too much to cope with on top of everything else. So yes - we do need good a rant. I hope you don't mind me hijacking your thread for my rant - maybe we could start a "rant corner" where we could all have a good moan and no-one would have to put on a brave face or project a positive sunny outlook.

Keep on keeping on. xxx

[amd66]

Jackster, i just want to echo all of the above, this is crap. i was very down yesterday, 3 chemos done but cant shake the low mood.just hold onto the fact that these feelings will come and go, dont be hard on yourself,
you're not alone, as Shelley says its all allowed.xxx

[Guest user]

we are all going to have up and down days thats all part of this journey that none of us have asked to take but now find ourselves on.......if we didnt have a rant from time to time we wouldnt be normal......some days will be ok others completely crap thats the truth of it and there is no getting away from it no matter how hard we try to - I am just taking each day as it comes & hoping that the treatment will be over as quickly as it possibly can be without actually losing my marbles ! it helps that the rest of you ladies here know exactly what each of us is going through as we are all living it,in the same boat as to speak......so the sooner we can paddle up that bl**dy creek the better and we can get back to living our lives again in the best way we possible can........so embrace the bad days,no matter how bad they feel at the time its all part of the package in the knowledge that there will be better days and light at the end of it all - big hugs to you all xxxx

Shelley x

[jackster50]

Ladies thank you so much for your feedback. I felt quite apprenhensive coming back to the site after writing the rant and was in tears when I read the replies (good tears, if you know what i mean). It helps so much to know that you women understand whats going on and it helps me to stay positive with my family. It becomes annoying having to be so upbeat about things with them but ranting at them wouldnt make it any better either ;). Tracyid I know what you mean about xmas my mum died over two weeks ago and I still cant really accept the fact that she has gone, but carry on we must. Big hugs and love to everyone x

[tracyld]

Hi Jackster,
Thanks for starting this thread. It has made interesting reading . The black hole and deep gloom of depression comes over us and makes us feel so bad we need to rant and rave every now and again. Go Girl !!
You are right people who have not had Cancer do Not understand, they may try to , but they just cant. It is impossible for them to know how fearful we are of reoccurence, how we have aches and pains every day and hate taking drugs that may help beat Breast Cancer but make us feel dreadful. My body hates being starved of oestrogen and the tamoxifen has made me feel mental but with anti depressants and counselling I am starting to feel a bit better.
I will never ever be the same again , and we have to find a New Normal. Sending everyone positive vibes and big hugs for the Christmas period. Love Tracy xxx
PS . I need to tell myself that as I am dreading Xmas this year as my Auntie has died but we all try and carry on regardless and tell others we are fine. We are our own worst enemies. Maybe this will help us to be more open and honest !!!

[Guest user]

Hi folks
I just wanted to say that a good rant on here where others totally get it is a good thing! Like Di I am 2 years post diagnosis and having completed the whole gambet of treatment I am back at work and in everyones eyes I am back to being the old me. Not the case! We are a different person for ever because of what the diagnosis and then the treatment does to us. The fear of recurrence means you look at life in a different and for me a more fearful way. I try to stay positive and live for the moment and try to feel 'lucky' that I do not have to deal with secondaries like so many people. However, it doesn't change what I feel inside and that is the same for all of us. It is good to rant, shout and let it out. Thanks for doing so and enabling others to join in...............in a weird way it does help. I wish everyone on here a peaceful and content time over xmas. Jayne. x

[dib]

Hi jackster,I'm 2 years on and still have low days but the feeling ugly period is now replaced with the worry of secondaries!life will never quite be the same again and even tho I've gone back to work full time I can't do things I used to and feel tired all the time but still when anyone asks how I am I tell them I'm fine! I think sometimes we are our own worst enemy but would anyone be interested if we answered truthfully?I think not.I think though that you are probably at your lowest point and hopefully there is only one way to go and that's up so I just want to wish you well and hope you have as nice a Christmas as possible with the people around you who will give you the support and love that we all need,
Love Di.

[HJU63]

Dear Jackster,
your situation stinks and I really feel for you. Like you I have had a bereavement during my treatment - some days I seem really disconnected from everything and other days I am overwhelmed by it all. I finished FEC-T 4 weeks ago and am waiting to start RT.
I think you are doing the right thing by having a rant and letting all the feelings out - I can recommend cushion thumping as well, even called my cushion FEC and bashed it, kicked it, threw it and then ended up laughing at myself! It also gave the kids something to think about. Someone else suggested finding other women who have gone through a BC diagnosis and treatment - I think this can be very helpful and reassuring that you are not the only one to feel angry, upset, ugly, exhausted etc.
Keep posting when you need to - this is what the forum is for
Helen

[applestreet]

you rant away girl..if you can't do it on here where can you???...all the other ladies have said everything so just sending you a massive hug...just keep posting and you will get all the support that ladies can give you...(((((hug))))

[Guest user]

Hi Jackster!

I hear you sweetie. I'm going back to work on Monday after bilat mx. I hate my body, I have to lose 4 stone for recon next year and I'm sick to death of having to support everyone else! It's my job of work to support kids in a school, I'm a counsellor but I can't be dealing with the adults and all the s*** that seems to come my way!

Can I say this here? I have certain friends who have things going on in their lives and it's not nice, but noone died. One of them even said that I had to wait for her to contact me as she doesn't always feel like talking! Whatever! They are things that can be sorted with some positive action. Why won't people get proactive. I'm waiting for BRCA genetics results and I feel like it's the biggest nightmare hanging over my head! People who haven't been through any of it just don't get it at all! Everyone keeps saying how well I look, and I am well but I just don't seem to have any patience with anyone!

I lost my mum 3 years ago and I wonder what she would have made of all this. My Dad is about as much use as a chocolate teapot! I have had to support him as he has Parkinsons and he has had difficulty coping with everything!

I am so grateful not to have to go through chemo and other stuff but I think because it was DCIS people don't see it as being serious.

Gosh I'm on my own rant here! Sorry! I just take such comfort knowing it's not just me. I'm seeing my BCN on Friday because I'm feeling adrift. That's the only way I can describe it! Keep writing it all down and someone here will pick you up.

I'm sending you a massive hug.

Viv xxx

[supertrouper]

Big hug for you (((((HUG)))))
I totally understand how you feel - I finished active treatment at the end of February this year after 6 months of chemo, a radical MX on December 20th and then 15 x rads - and now tablets every day and checkups, mammogram 2nd bone scan and now talk of reconstruction. I lost my Dad 23 years ago and my mother just over 5 years ago.
My long blonde hair went and what came back is dark and frizzy - when I look in the mirror I don't know who that woman is looking back at me.
I was receiving ESA benefits but they stopped 2 months ago - and financially it is a struggle.
But - I start and end each day by being grateful that I am still here and that there is a roof over our heads and food in the fridge. Yes we have had to make sacrifices and cut backs but we are happy. I don't know how old your children are, but the charity shop where I volunteer get some fantastic toys and games in around this time of year. Yesterday there were some that came in still sealed in their boxes. We sell them for under £5.
And speaking from a personal point of view - I wouldn't want Jordan's boobs.
Hope you start feeling a bit happier soon - it is a tough time when you finish treatment as all friends and family think it is all "over" - and the reality for us is that it probably will never be over - it just becomes more bareable.

[Gilliancw]

H jackster
Totally know where your coming from. I'm 2 months post chemo and can't seem to pick myself up. I'm going to the doctors next week to have a chat. I have had enough of feeling so low and can't seem to pick myself up.
take care lots of hugs
Gillian xx

[Guest user]

Hi Jackster,
Totally get where you are coming from . I have had a melt down at the weekend . feeling the same as you .
I feel fat ulgy and hate my hair - it has cime back grey thick and curly. But we are not fat and ulgy just the way we are feeling at this time in the cycle of cancer

Hope you are feeling better today ??

Hug for you and sending you lots of love

Rosiechin xx

[libsue]

Oh Jackster,

You sound so down in the dumps, and it's a horrible place to be. You are so right others just don't seem to get it. I too have felt angry by peoples comments, and depending on how I feel I can reason one way or the other; sometimes I'm able to be pragmatic and feel 'they' are trying to boost my ego, othertimes I think 'how can you be so bloody patronising and insensitive'. A close friend suggested going through chemo/op's/radio is no more difficult than having a baby!!!!!!!!!!! To be precise, someone said to me 'I don't know if I'd have the strength to go through what you've had to endure' and my friend replied 'of course you could, you've been through childbirth!'.

We all feel ugly at times. I'm ten months since last chemo and six months since last rads; recently I've felt a mess and make any excuse to not go out socially as although my hair has come back it is much thinner than before treatment. I imagine you lost your brows/lashes/hair/, and chemo stole your brain? These losses and the fear associated with cancer lower our confidence and can make us feel ugly, stupid, and lower our morale.

It is scary when treatment finishes, as your comfort blanket is snatched from you, and you feel so on your own. For you it must be extra difficult - to have no mum to comfort you. I get the impression you don't have a partner either, I totally sympathise as you must feel so alone. I wish I could offer you some active support, as that's what you need. Unfortunately all I can offer is understanding and words of support. Are there any breast cancer groups in your area, or a meet-up group here on BCC? I met up with some ladies I met here on the forums and it was a most positive experience for us all, speaking with others travelling this vile journey is comforting and an opportunity to discuss how you feel, I'm sure you'll find most cancer patients have felt/do feel the same as you.

Please believe me you will have good days ahead, of course you'll still have low days and that's natural, but they WILL lessen. Try not to feel guilty that your children won't receive the Christmas presents they are used to receiving, I'm sure for them the BEST present is their mum's health, and Christmas can be enjoyed without the commercialism attached to it. As a family discuss other ways to enjoy the Christmas season, if everyone has a chance to input ideas you may be surprised by your childrens' imaginative ideas and understanding, it is an opportunity to enjoy a simple Christmas, e.g. playing games and having fun together. Embrace each other and all will be OK. And do remember it's only one of many Christmases.

Please keep communicating here, as I feel sure members will offer better words of wisdom than me. I'm still suffering chemo brain and find it difficult to articulate myself.

Sending you hugs,

Libby x

[Guest user]

sorry to hear how yr feelin im at other end to u had mast n diepflap recon in oct have my first chemo on thurs 29th nov n already sick of people tellin me il b fine......... that il get through it........ n that its ONLY hai.....r it a small price to pay....... that it will grow back..... n i can wear a hat cos its winter......yeah right cos it grows back over nite lol bloody idiots wonder if theyd feel like this if they had to go through it youre right cancer needs to go n get FEC-T right off sendin u(((((( hugs))))))))
sue x

[mggdggn@yahoo.co.uk]

Hi Jackster,
You probably won't read this until later today as it has to be vetted....
Thats the only thing about this site, you can't get a quick reply....
If it is later today, you are probably feeling a bit better and may even be chuckling at your rant...
But that is what this site is for... To rant, as and when, no games, no worrying about someone else's feelings, no protecting others, and be yourself...sad, happy, mad, irratic, unreasonable....
The upshot is your last chemo.... Xmas is a few weeks away, and so what! You feel awful on every level...
Losing mum is the worse, I can't imagine your loss at such a terrifying time of your life and on top you grieve!
Kids will be ok with any little gift, they only want a happy mum, and you can make it up to them in the January sales, tbey'll enjoy it more especially if they can chose what they want.... As for Santa he'll be back next year, and as for fluffy chat, let them have that one on you for now, but kick butt next year, when you feel stronger to.
My thoughts are so with you, you are expected to feel great, but on whose say so....
Im early stage myself, chemo looming for me, and I'm been brave for everyone else and not me....
I have decided to make life choices next year when all this crap is over....no more fluffy chat for me anymore, it's gonna be about me and my loved ones from now on.....
All the best to you, Maggie x

[jackster50]

bump. bump. bump

[jackster50]

I have had .........
Enough of being feckin nice to people about cancer.
I went for my last chemo today and after different people telling me that this was the last one (everyone shout hooorah) and it will then be all over and you"ll get your life back: dont you look good: you:ll get nice boobs like Jordan: you will really appreciate life due to your cancer diagnosis: bull, bull, bullllll.
I have supported peoples remarks by playing the pink fluffy game BUT enough.
I feel ill. I am ugly. my mum died and santa is not coming down the bloomin chimney xmas eve and presents for my children will be frugle as I will just about pay my mortgage this month.

Feck cancer