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I don't feel lucky they "found it"

topsymo
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Have recently completed surgery, chem and rads for an aggressive Grade 3 and now on the lovely arimidex for 5 years.
Last week a friend told me that she is glad I am no longer 'so angry'.

Had to reply sweetly that I now feel well in myself again so that helps........ but I think I would be a bit weird if I didn't feel angry- my daughter (aged 38 with 2 young children) has cancer in both her breasts and she could really have done without her mother developing it as well!

I have had a lot of support during my 9 months of treatment but as far as everyone is concerned it's all over now and I'm '"better" Some folk just don't get it ,do they?

Molennium
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

I refused to allow my breast cancer nurse to come to my appointments. She made it quite clear she wouldn't be there to support me as she'd be on her christmas hols. I can't say I missed her concerned looks and I don't think she missed me. You don't have to see them. I think a lot could be saved if they got rid of them

dipstick
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Morning Jane

was going to have lie in but Lottie did her usual morning yelps so had to get up, let her out and feed her..... bless her!

I'm not too sure why I think like I do. I know going through chemo it was b. awful and don't know how I got through it. Every hour seemed like a month and I never thought I would get through months of it. In bed lots of the time. Op v scary but had to be done, rads not too bad so far.

I must admit I do tend to say, yes thanks I'm ok because most people dont have several hours for me to really explain the nightmare we have all had to endure. I popped into work couple of weeks ago and I said, yes I'm ok. A younger bloke in the office is going through a different kind of sh.t. He said, 'you feel you have to say that to people dont you,' and getting up he gave me a whacking great hug, saying 'I dont normally believe in doing this to workmates but I have to do it.'

That action spoke a thousand words and I will never forget it from one who really knows what goes on inside.

Thats the good thing about this site, we KNOW and are here to back each other up.

yes, I suppose like all bad things in life time does help. You never believe it at the time but it is true.

WE have to get by each day, ok, wearing wellies and plodding but one day I think we will suddenly find that, actually, through all of that sh.t I had to endure I am finding lots to enjoy in life again, maybe different from before but nevertheless enjoyable.

Hopefully the effects will fade,some go, and others we learn to live with because that's life.

Sorry, someone at door
must go and see
Lottie waking the neighbours

take care
Chris x

Jane
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Hi Dipstick

Thanks for your post - guess I am waiting for the rain to pass and know it won't. Do admire your attitude though. Have you been like this all the way through or is it as a result of "time"? The hospital staff seem to think time is the answer - I interpert that as giving up hope and shutting up because you know people do not want to know. I never believe the patients who smile and say they are fine, they always seem to be the ones crying in the car after clinic.

I'm single. I mostly discuss the cancer with other patients at chemo as my friends think I should be extra cheerful to have "survived" cancer and Mum thinks we can ignore it away. If only we could ignore the efects of chemo, rads and surgery away....

Thanks again and take care

Jane x

dipstick
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Hi Jane,
how ya doing tonight? Have you any family support, or close friends. Do you go out to work? Where abouts are you in the uk? Sometimes I try to keep busy so stops me from thinking too much but still we have the quiet times when the 'c' word fills our minds. I don't think I've ever been angry with this sh.t but definately sadder than sad. Not angry because I know life is often full of pain and hurt for hundreds and thousands of people, some a lot younger than me and some who live with a lot of pain and I am no-one special to get through life without some cr.p. I just tell myself thats life. I'm apparently a true Capricorn, too practical by half. I havn't had 9 months of treatement for nothing, I've had it to try to prolong my life and now that I'm nearly finished with rads I intend to live. Yes with a different outlook on life, yes with a different body, but MG I aint givin in.
Hope you can feel my b. determination to make the most of what I've got, warts and all. This isn't flowery, fluffy stuff, it's just me
trying to get by the best I can.
Quote from another site
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass.... it's about learning to dance in the rain
and needless to say, being a Capricorn, I have 2 pairs of wellies.

take care
Chris x

Jane
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Exactly Rachy - what is it about cancer, especialy "only breast cancer" that people seem to think only needs to be positively thought away?? My neighbour said to me yesterday that she was surprised Wendy Richards had died of bc as most people get cured - her logic? well, all the cured people who go running every year....

Dipstick, i admire people who somehow get past all the angry and sad feelings to enjoy life. You are right and on an intellectual level I concur but feelings - well, that's another story. I can honestly say i have not enjoyed one day of the last six months and can not figure out how to get past this. One look in the mirror is enough to send me back down the tunnel of despondency. I am not afraid of death, I can not imagine how anyone lives for years in a body like this and copes, let alone enjoys life. I can honestly say the treatments have destroyed my quality of life and i can not figure out what to do to make life tolerable.

Sorry to moan even more
Jane x

rachy7
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

I get fed up with the 'positive' and the 'you're lucky'rubbish. No other disease gets tarred with the 'positive thinking will help' tag.I have never heard any one tell some one with serious heart disease to think positively. There is nothing 'lucky' about finding you have bc. Perfect strangers have actual said to me about being positive if they have overheard me talking about bc to a friend !!

Rachyxx

dipstick
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Hiya Jane,

I think you have started a good thread.
Cancer and its treatement is very scarey, often painful, side effects crap. Lots of tears have been shed and fears tried to be dealt with. Hair loss, tears, chemo effects, tears, pains in joints, tears, weight gain, tears. What if's, tears...
I have put a stone on in weight, somewhere in the last 10 years of colouring my hair it has sneakily gone grey, OMG is this really me???

but dammitt

spring is just about here and I still get pleasure from the sunshine. I can get pleasure and 'feel good' from taking Lottie the lurcher out in the woods and watch her having fun. There is still lots to be had even as I am. Is this being too positive. I don't think so, it's just what I am left with. I will have to learn to live with the bubble coming out of my head with a big question mark in it just like each of you. Somedays are great, some ok and sometimes I could just cry for England.
Bahons, your words 'screaming inside' hit a nerve and is probably true for most of us some of the time. Cancer highjacks our lives and turns it upside down, we try to get back on our feet only to find everythings changed and we have to learn to live with new rules... but I will eek out as much pleasure as I can, while I can, when I can....... Even AS I Am

lots of love to all,
Chris x

Jane
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Bahrons, Celeste and everyone - thanks again. How do you guys "move forward"? I am so tired of the "it takes time" and "be positive" stuff you get from the hospital. And the assumption they seem to have that we should be thrilled senseless not to be dead, however we look. And that putting on makeup or learning to tie a headscarf should somehow make you feel beautiful(even if you don't do makeup).

It is easier just to say "I'm fine" than to have to put up with the criticism that somehow I should have put this all behind me and "looking forward" now that chemo and surgery has finished and I am "only" on Tamox. Mostly I am sick of this body and instant old age.

Moaning agin - sorry

celeste
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Well said Jane. Your bcn should be reported for this. Unfortunately there are quite a lot of bcns about who are dreadful. Thankfully I have a secondary bcn (which is almost unheard of) and she is wonderful, but i did my share of suffering with two crap primary bcn's.

In some ways those of us with partners are luckier, after all they can be quite supportive, and they are sometimes useful to vent negative stuff at! So don't go thinking you are in a better position, there are swings and roundabouts in all of this.

Let me be clear.

Having bc is dreadful, full stop end of story, and anyone who tells us we should be grateful is frankly an idiot!

Take care Jane

Jane
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Thank you again for those comments - of course it would be much worse if I had a young family (I have no kids or partner)but maybe also those things give you a focus, something to "fight" for. Maybe people mean that compared to the losses we experience that of a single 40 something is not so bad as trhose who may never see their kids grow up. But as we all agree it does not make us lucky in any "normal" sense of the word.

Thanks all

Bahons2
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Jane

You sound perfectly normal to me! What was your bcn thinking? (There are women who would 'envy you'????!!!!! How insensitive) How you feel is how you feel.

No-one who gets cancer is 'lucky'. Some may have better prognoses than others, that's all.

Feeling that there is an onus on you, or any of us, to be 'positive' can be a terrible burden. All we can do is endure, endure what this disease throws at us. Some manage to it, outwardly at least, with more grace, stoicism, equanimity, call it what you will, perhaps than others, but that's all. It doesn't mean they are not screaming inside, either. And the ones that don't or can't do that, aren't 'failures' because having cancer isn't some kind of exam you sit having been given textbooks of how you should behave and react.

You're right, the treatments are barbaric. But they are all we have at the moment.

Feel as ticked off as you like! Moan all you want! We know how you feel!

Take care

X

S

Marilynleah
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

You might want to search for the topic 'What not to say'. It goes on for ever about insensitive comments. Being lucky it's caught early, lucky that it's breast cancer etc

Marilyn

Jane
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Oh God - you lot are the first people I have communicated with who are on the same wave length as me. i am so sick of the positive cxxp. Thank you all for your comments and i will check out your musings, other Jane. Nikki, thanks for your comments too. Thelma - thank you for your honesty. Gandt - well said. I feel I can not say a word to anyone at the hospital - at last appt was asked how I was, said how I feel and got told off by the BCN who told me I am lucky to be alive and that other women would envy me. It's like when you were little and did not eat a meal, adults would tell you about children starving elsewhere - but how does that help anyone?

But we are not lucky. and thank you for helping me not feel like a freak. I don't think the answer is lying to yourself that everything is okay. It's not and like you all say the challenge is getting on with it, or wanting to get on with it. Six months on and none of it feels worth the effort - the price is so high and there is no promise of a cure, or even an end to treatment.

Sorry to moan again but thanks to all of you who commented.

Very best wishes to all

Jane x

Dottiediz
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Jane

Take each day as it comes the Chemo will finish the hair will grow back you will adjust to your body. It all takes time.

On the other hand take some look at other post on this site and there is always someone worse off than yourself and when I was first diagnosed that was one thing I never appeciated.

gandt
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Hi Thelmaj, you are not lucky and anyone who suggests that you are must be off their trolley. Perhaps they would like some of your lucky "free gift" chemo!

Love gandt

thelmaj
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Hi Jane,

After reading your comment I finally don't feel like a freak for feeling the way you do. I totally agree with you about not feeling lucky and whatever the future holds I'll never have my breast back and always dislike my body. I am undergoing chemo so I then have the joy of my hair falling out and menapause symtoms so 'lucky' is not the word which springs to mind.

Take Care
Love and hugs
Thelmaj

JaneRA
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Dear Jane

A woman after my own heart...I loathe all the think positive c**p.

But...and this is for me an important but...sometimes...well quite often really...I get moments of joy and I do still laugh and I am still living...I have been living with breast cancer for five and a half yesrs now...a year of treatment...two and a half years of NED, and two years of more treatment for incurable regional recurrence.

Some things about myself I am glad about...I never did mind greatly having a mastectomy or mind too much being bald (three times now and just growing back for third time) ..and my partner has always helped me feel as good as possible about my body..which has deteriorated since my recurrence... I love life and just wish I could have more than I will.

Counselling has helped me to find my own idiosyncratic way of living with cancer..but no never never have I felt lucky to get it, I'm not stoical, and I'm not frolicing through the fields counting my blessings.

I have a blog (see contact on my profile) where I explore some of these issues and say things I feel I have to be careful about saying on breast cancer forums.

very very best wishes to you.

Jane

jantharra
Member

Re: I don't feel lucky they "found it"

Hi Jane

None of us are 'lucky' to have gotten breast cancer or to have to undergo the treatments that tear us apart both physically and mentally and leave scars on our bodies and minds. No one can tell you how to feel and right now you it seems you are struggling with burden of it all, I can only say that talking to people has helped me, and when I was at the worst time in my life (pre-bc) then seeing a cognitive behaviour therapist changed my life.

You don't have to be smily happy and pink, it's a sh** hand we've been dealt and it crashes into our lives and steals so damned much from us, but there are ways to help you to cope with it all and people you can talk to. So all I can say is please, ask for that help.

Sending {{hugs}}
Nikki

Jane
Member

I don't feel lucky they "found it"

I am so fed up with people telling me i am lucky.I am suddenly old and ugly. I am not lucky to have had my breast removed and I can no longer bear looking at my body, even though I was lucky enough to have reconstruction immediately. i am not lucky to have had chemo and be bald. I am not lucky to wake up every day hating this body and feeling sick at the thougt of more treatment. i am not lucky to have early menopause. i can find nothing good in this experience. I hate this life. What is there to be lucky about - I'm here and so what?

I am sick of biting my tongue and smiling and being stoic. What's so good about life anyway?

Apologies to those of you who feel differently but I am sick of plucky survivorship and all the "positive" stuff. This stinks.

Jane