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I just can't face it !!!!!

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I just can't face it !!!!!

I have had back ache for three weeks now which also seems to go into my legs and shoulder. I am currently being treated for a primary, grade 3,triple negative IDC - have had chemo, mast with immediate recon (expander implant) and am now in the middle of rads. I just cannot face ringing the hospital or calling my BCN to tell them about this pain - I know they will tell me to come in for a scan and then it is a case of waiting for more results - I just haven't got the strength/inclination to go through more tests at the moment and feel like running away and never having to face BC again. I am 43 with a 4 year old daughter - I did want another child, but a chemo induced menopause has put paid to that. My daughter keeps asking me why she hasn't got a brother and sister and how some of her friends at school have siblings to play with and she hasn't got any. It absolutely breaks my heart - I just don't know what to say - she is too young to understand what I am going through at the moment and what this horrible disease has taken from me - fertility, peace of mind, being carefree, hair, stamina, energy, confidence to name but a few.

I haven't posted on this site for quite a while and was really, really saddened to hear that Paula43 has passed away - I am in complete and utter shock. Paula was diagnosed the same time as me Dec '07 and was the same age and had the same type of breast cancer 3Neg - I cannot believe that a mother with very young children has been taken away by this disgusting disease so, so quickly - to say it is unfair is an understatement. Paula was so kind when she replied to my posts - I feel absolutely heartbroken for her family.

I don't want to be a good patient any more - really feel like acting like a petulant teenager and saying I DON'T WANT TO - LEAVE ME ALONE. I truly hate this disease with every bone in my body and some more. Sorry for going on. Jacqui x

13 REPLIES 13
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Morning Oscar,
still here for you.
I have been reading through the threads. There are several ladies who a year or two or three years later come back on here to tell us they are ok and getting back on with their lives just to encourage us, and it does. One day I hope to do that too... and you can too. I will be there for others as others have been here for me and still are. They are a great support.
Take care
keep us posted
Lots of hugs
Chris x

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Hi Jacqui

Im new to this site, but just wanted to send you a huge hug. I am 41 and was diagnosed in 2006, and i went thru chemo with my dad, who passed away this July.. PLease please remember your not alone. I have sat up so many nights feeling so lonely, .. then when i read the stories in here it does help. I hope you will feel better soon x x x x x

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Oscar1,
sending you a big hug. Maybe some ibuleve gel and a gentle massage or a hot water bottle might bring some relief. You shout and moan all you like, we all understand. Then lookat that sweeties face and get the strength to get it sorted. I think there are tons of 'good reasons' why you might have backache that are not related, my leaflet says pains on bones from rads are normal. Paula's death has shaken a lot of us, who had hoped the efforts of The Marsden might bring her some relief and time. Such a terrible waste and so sad.
You have so much going on at the moment, I am not surprised you hit the panic button. We have macmillan rads nurses at the hospital I will go to for rads, you might ask if you have any at yours as they would be very informed on the typical pains to expect from rads.Even the staff in there might advise you.
Big hug and keep us posted.
Lily x

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Hi Oscar,
i understand exactly how you are feeling. I think as time goes on and we have more and more treatment our bodies and minds become weaker and weaker and it becomes so hard to go the next step. I dont think there can be one of us who after several months of treatment wants to hide away and recover for a while so that we can go on. Never feel guilty about your thoughts, we have probably all had our battles with them. You are also grieving too which will heighten your feelings of sadness ) I dont think I will ever be/feel/think the same again. BC will have coloured me forever. It is something I will have to learn to live with but I hope more and more in the background as time goes on. There are many times when I just cant help but cry, for me, for others on here, the tears come and I cant help it.
This sh.t will finish one day and I hope to have a relatively 'normal' life back but until then I must plod;crawl through the next bit of 'it'. Sorry there are no easy words to say (and I/m not good at this anyway) . It is the shi..iest time of my life and my future isnt sure but I do have some laughs still, days when I feel a bit better and can get out, simple things ie walking the dogs in the woods, just enjoying eating again, reading a good book etc even, dare I say it,,, watching the x factor (ok I/m a saddo!!!)

Lots of hugs and thoughts,
Chris x

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Thanks JaneRA, Horace and FizBix- I will get the pain checked out, but not sure if I can face further tests at the moment - I don't feel strong enough - I am in the middle of rads and really think I can only deal with one thing at a time - so, will wait and if the pain continues then I will get it checked out. Only have another 5 more rads to go.

Do you ever reach a stage where you have some sort of acceptance of having this disease. Thought that I was a lot further on re coming to terms with BC, but it seems as though after going through the shock, tears and anger, I have still not fully accepted having this CRAP disease.

I feel so, so selfish as at the moment, I am being treated for a primary diagnosis and already I am full of self-pity and feel completely sorry for myself. There are other ladies who are trying to live their lives with mets and don't have the self-pity that I am currently feeling. Sometimes I feel "why has this happened to me", but then I feel guilty and then I think "well, why not me" - what makes me so special. I just want some peace of mind, but cannot find it and feel that it is something that will elude me for the rest of my life.

I have been thinking about Paula43 a lot since I logged back onto the site at the weekend and must admit that the news shook me to the core. I also lost my aunt to BC in June this year, she was only diagnosed with mets in May, so it was really, really quick. Still trying to get my head around it all and not doing a very good job. Jacqui xx

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hi Oscar1

it's a b*mmer when it all gets on top of you ... enough said ...

the only words of comfort I can offer is that if you are getting very tense and upset about everything and have a tendancy to hold it in your back then that can set off your shoulders and legs - if your upper back is very stiff then the lower back has to overcompensate and it can set off sciatica

as we can't have a nice hot bath (sh.t sh.t sh.t) you could try doing a bit of stretching and also wearing "comfy" shoes for a bit to help ...

every empathy with not wanting to be mucked about with any more ... I just don't want anyone touching or poking me or staring at my bits or injecting me or drwawing all over me or anything else - I just want to be left alone!

I think you need to mourn for paula43 - mark her passing in some way ..... and then you can move on

love FB xx

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I cant cope with scans at all and often question my decision to have only mammos or ultrasound.My reasoning is that if mets are under 5mm they cant be detected.If they are over 5mm they can be treated but not cured.However if I had symptoms then I would have the scans.At your stage so soon after treatment I would think it unlikely that you have mets and you do need to get the pain sorted.I wish you all the very best.
love Vx

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Hi Jacqui

I'm a lot older than you but really identify with your petulant teenager feelings. And I would feel them even more if I got people telling me I must phone my bcn tomorrow.

Of course you will get this checked out when you are ready...but if you fancy saying f**** it for a few days or a week or two until you are ready then so be it. A bit of a delay isn't go to make any difference in cancer terms, but it might give you a bit of time to get used to the possibility of more bad news.

very best wishes
cancer stinks

Jane

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Good luck with the call Jacqui,I have my fingers crossed for you.
Love
Dot
xx

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Thanks Dot - you are not a bully !!! - thanks for your kind assurances. I know I owe it to my daughter if not to myself to make that call, I'll do it tomorrow and will let you know how I get on. All the very best. Jacqui xx

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Thanks ever so much Chris - you are right, I know I should call my BCN - its just that I am really, really scared, but I guess if the pain continues then it will only cause me unnecessary worry if I don't get it checked out. I might leave it to the end of the week and if I am still in pain, I will definitely give her a call.

Good luck with the rest of your treatment. I thought I would be elated coming towards the end of my treatment, but I just feel totally and utterly washed out by the whole thing. Some people have suggested having a bit of a celebration when my treatment ends, but I really cannot see what there is to celebrate. All I can think of is that I have the next five years or so to worry whether or not this blasted thing is going to finally get me. Lots of hugs to you too sweetheart. Jacqui xx

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(((((((Hugs to you Jacqui))))))))))

Please try to gather the strength to phone up ,I understand the fear of waiting for results but you are afraid now anyway and that won't go away until you get tests and results.I know it doesn't seem that way but all back pain is not BC coming back.You are a young mum with a young child to run after and that lifestyle can bring on bad backs,its not necessarily the BC but of course until you get seen we cannot be sure.Please do this for you and your darling daughter.
Have a rant here or lock yourself in a room and rant away and then make that call,please,
Love
Dot

PS sorry to be a bully 😉

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Jacqui,
very very sad about Paula. To find out when you are feeling so bad yourself just compounds everything.
I understand that going through all this sh.t there are times when you just want to get off the roundabout. I feel like screaming for myself and others when I read about them going through the really worst bits, and useless that I cant DO anything. I want to hit out at things to get rid of my frustrations - if only I had the physical energy!! So SHOUT n SCREAM and bash the cushions and cry today because you need to. Tomorrow ring your bcn and explain your pains. You will only worry if you dont anyway so get it done. You are only 43, have a beautiful 4 yr old daughter, yes, I loathe this disease but I wont give it an easy ride and nor will you. Have you read on here - undergoing treatement - radiotherapy - quite a few ladies going through pains in neck and back etc. it may be worth having a chat with them. I am on chemo at mo, mx after then radio so have it all to come.

lots of hugs
Chris xx