I know I should be more grateful for being at the end of my treatment (well almost), 1 more Herceptin and then continue on Letrozole. Why do I feel so flat? I almost feel that this site is where I get understanding. I read so many of the threads and see me reflected there with the questions, the comments about the changes (forever) to our lives, the ongoing worry and fear of return, etc. etc. And yet, I know I am so lucky to have come through treatment and I just don’t know what I would be like if confronted with the reality of those on here with secondaries and who are coping with some real difficult situations.
My life is moving on and yet it is not the one I knew nor the one I chose. I go through the ‘motions’ of life, work, family and yet deep down inside I am alone. I think people see me and think I am back to who I was. I wish! I sound depressed, yet I think I amn’t, it is just so hard to come to terms with all that has happened in the past 18 months.
Does anyone else feel like this? Take care all, J.
Jayne K. Like Mavis I would recommend the link she has given you - very helpful and worth reading. I finished chemo and rads last week and feel quite down at the moment. We have all been through such a traumatic life experience its not much wonder we feel like this!
I had some counselling at diagnosis and am going to have a few session now.
Pile on top of that the guilt that I’ve been so lucky (relatively) to have a reasonable outcome, I end up with a vicious circle.
But turn it round for a moment.
Yes, we should be more grateful, but we also have a right to be flipping angry that we are in the position of getting to the end of 18 months of treatment. It’s TOUGH!!! And unless you’re one of those people who wears their underwear over their tights and sports a bright red cloak, you’re ALLOWED to feel a tad worn down by it all.
Why do you feel so flat? Because you’ve been run over by the steam roller that is breast cancer and that steam roller has been reversing over you for the last 18 months - no WONDER you feel flat - pancakes ain’t got nothin’ on us!
You aren’t the same person you were 19 months ago. None of us are. We’ve stared our own mortality in the face, we’ve been cut, poisoned, fried and had our hormones messed about with, there’s no way any of us could come out of all that completely unchanged.
So in my best “I’m-really-talking-to-myself” voice, CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK, WOMAN!
And while you’re doing that, have a huge hug from someone else who feels just the same. And who does the guilt/flat/lucky/angry/scared thing just the same.
I agree with all that Chicciemuffin has said but she has put it in words much better than I could. Take a day at a time jaynek. We know just how you are feeling and it is normal to feel like this. Be a little kinder to yourself and give yourself time to grieve as you have been through a lot. Hugs Val
I had my last rads this morning and have spent the rest of the day feeling guilty that I am not feeling like doing cart wheels or shouting to the world that life is now wonderful. As much as I dont want other people to feel like this it is quite refreshing to read that it isnt just me. It doesnt help that we get 3 days off and then my partner starts rads on Monday for 5 weeks, followed by Brachytherapy 2 weeks later - I’m already sick of the drive to Guildford. On the positive side I am going back to work next Thursday which is a bit terrifying, seems like all my confidence has just dissapeared and I am feeling guilty that I wont be able to go all of my partners appointments with him …
Feels like I need to put that big stick down that I am using on myself
Its 12 months today that I was first dx, and yesterday I finally admitted that I need help. Saw my gp and poured my heart out, I have kept most stuff to myself all through the treatment, went to all my appointments, chemo & rads by myself, and its finally caught up with me. Im going to get some counciling , we have all gone through the most horrible treatments and ours bodies are shouting at us to give it a rest. We cant turn the clocks back, but we can stop looking backwards, no one is the same person they where 12/18 months ago, this experience has changed us forever, but we still have a future. So lets be kind to ourselves and stop expecting too much too soon, as my gp said yesterday:)
I would like to thank everyone for their responses and kind words. I am feeling more positive and settled today, I certainly think your comments have contributed to that. I know I have a long way to go, as have all of us, treading different paths, but I feel strong enough today to deal with it. Thanks again, J.
I vowed when I finished my treatment that I would stop beating myself up about stuff - believe me ladies, it’s one of the best decisions I have ever made and it felt like I’d had a big boulder lifted off my shoulders. I had some counselling with a psychologist via a referral from my oncologist and she gave me a few things to go away and work on between appointments. I still use some of the techniques she spoke to me about and find they greatly help to get me through the odd day when I’m a bit stressed.
Oh wow! Let’s pause and take a little look…
we get dx… have to cope with life-changing news
we get surgery … have to cope with recovery/disfigurement/exhaustion
we get chemo… have to cope with horrendous things
we get rads … have to cope with daily journey/being fried
in whatever order
we lurch from one thing to the next -waiting to start whatever… and we think, once chemo’s over, I’ll feel like celebrating… but rads are ahead of us, and we don’t… we get to the end of rads and think we should be feeling fine - and we still feel like chewed up rope… BUT, we say, I’M FINISHED! I SHOULD be back to work/normal/celebrate/whatever… and the body says…
(whisper) not sure I can do that…
still trying to repair all the damage that’s been done to me…
can you be gentler with me?
and the emotions may be screaming (shouts) you’ve not paid any attention to me! I want to be heard! I HATE THIS…
And we expect ourselves to feel NORMAL???
Well, that’s what’s been going on for me… and it sounds like I’m not alone…
I am back to work full time (just), and I still haven’t really celebrated yet…
Someone said to me this week “do somthing kind for others every day, and do something kind for YOURSELF every day”…