I’ll be there for her
I’ll be there for her Thirty-four years ago, when I was fifteen, I saw a thirteen year old year girl, so beautiful she took my breath away. And I realised, even at that tender age, that falling in love with her with not just possible. It was inevitable. And three years later we married. To a chorus of ‘It’ll never last’.
And thirty-four years later we’re still together. A lifetime in which that beautiful girl has put up with so much. She’s washed my rugby shirts, after games in which I excelled more in my imagination than the actual match. She’s sat at home, by the phone, while I’ve been climbing some God-forsaken mountain in the depths of winter, waiting for me to call and say that I’m ok. She’s looked after me after I crashed my motor-cycle because I was going too fast.
She held me and told me, ‘It’ll be ok’ when I thought the worst thing in the world was Leeds United getting relegated.
And, ten days ago, we were told that she had BC. And I’m confused. I’m angry, I should protect her and I can’t do that from this thing. And I’m scared. Not for me, or scared that anything bad (or rather worse!) is going to happen¦but I know that she must be going through Hell now and I can do no more than hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. And I do.
There won’t be one minute of this she goes through that I won’t be there for her. She’ll probably get sick of me telling her exactly how much she means to me, she can shout at me, throw things (and nothing new there) at me and tell me to ‘Go away’. I’m going to be there!
I love her so much.
It’s all we can do… Hello Tykes,
Welcome (if you can say that) to the community that you never want to join. It sucks, it hurts and it’s sometimes soul destroying, the things that this throws at you.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. As a husband, you feel helpless, you want to find out as much information as you can and you want to defend your woman and protect her from all this throws at her.
However, I regret to say that there are things that you just cannot do. Some days it is so frustrating. You feel so useless. If there was a way of transferring it to me, I’d do it in a heartbeat and never regret it.
However, as you travel along the road, which is sometimes bumpy, sometimes smooth, you realise that there are things that you can do to help.
Being there, holding hands, taking care of things, spoiling your girl, just being a loving, caring husband is all you can do. I am told that can help to make all the difference.
This is something that is said to either break a relationship or seal it tighter than ever. It has made me re-prioritise everything in my life. If it is a sunny day, instead of mowing the lawn and washing the car, I’d rather go for a walk with my girl and enjoy a bit of quality time. It’s the two of you that matter, and the time you share is precious.
Your wife sounds like mine, I am spoilt, my lovely girl takes good care of me, is always there and is just the best thing in my world. Some days, I feel that it is this way round so that I can repay the attention and loving care that she gives me.
This is not an easy journey by any means. However, we have come a long way since May, and we have a long way to go. It does get a little easier as you go along. The worst part of all of this is not knowing what is to happen next. As you get answers, so the anxiety lifts a little.
Some days you will be her rock, but there will be days when she is your’s.
Everyone keeps telling me what an amazing woman my girl is. She just carries on regardless and refuses to let this bring her down. Whenever anyone tells me this, I just smile to myself and feel proud of her.
Keep in touch. I am sure that you will stand by your girl and help her through this.
The same Hi Tykes
I have read your story and cried with you, we found out last Friday that my Wife had Breast Cancer. She is scheduled for surgery on the 26th and then radiotherapy.
We are on a roller coaster ride at the moment, one minute up, the next down.
I want to scream, shout, cry and bury my head in the sand, but can’t. Like you my Wife is my world and now its seems to be crumbeling.We have 3 children, 12,16&18. The 18 yo is autistic and doesn’t really understand the extent of what is going on.
My Wife has had a lot os stress over the years, and I can’t help blaming myself for her condition.
Keep holding your wifes hand, as i will do with my Wife, and I hope we both do the right things to support them.
Kindest Regards
Andy
Support Hello again Tykes, hello andy,
Again, I am sorry to hear of your situation. I cannot comment, saying I know how you feel, because everyine’s situation is different. However, I can understand where you are both coming from.
Andy, don’t blame yourself for this happening, it’s not your fault. It seems to be happening more and more. There are so many variables that cause this.
I know that I rambled on in my previous post, but the one thing that I forgot to mention was that you can download or order the Breast Cancer’s “In It Together” publication, which I found very useful at the early stages as I did not know where to turn.
Keep posting guys, there are a lot of us out here, each finding their own way.
Take care of yourselves and your partners.
Hubby
In it together Hello tykes
I hope you find the chat forums a help. As you see you will get lots of support from other users. By the way, the document Hubby mentions can be found at
breastcancercare.org.uk/docs/
inittogether_web_0.pdf
on this site.
Best wishes
Host
Breast Cancer Care
Thanks Andy and Hubby…thanks for your replies. And ty to the mod for the link. I won’t say it’s it’s comforting to know that other people are going through what we are…I wouldn’t wish this nightmare on anyone…but it IS comforting to know that other people know what we’re putting up with and wish us well. As we both wish you, and indeed anyone suffering from cancer, well.
I realise that this thing is going to put a strain on our relationship, but I believe that what Carole and I have is stronger than the cancer that threatens her. And we both have very supportive families. AND two beautiful daughters (one of whom, luckily, is a nurse!) who are there to support both their Mother and me through this.
And I’m fortunate that Carole is a strong woman emotionally. And women are stronger than men realise, physically. Hell, I wouldn’t like to carry a baby around inside me, then give birth! They just pretend to be weak, to get us to carry the shopping, dig the garden etc.!!! So, she IS going to get through this.
But, it IS going to be hard for her…and all I can do is hug her and tell her how much I love her. How mow much I adore her. And how much I worship her.
And the after effect of the mastectomy? I realise, for a woman that this must be traumatic. And again, all I can do is hold her, and tell her how much she means to me. As I WILL tell her, all the way through her nightmare.I 'll just be glad when Wednesday is over and that damn damn thing is out of my wife.
Andy, don’t blame yourself…just support your partner through this. And my thoughts and best wishes go to you, and hubby, and everyone suffering this illness.
Thanks Thanks for the kind words, and you are totally right. To both of you and all, all the best. I will be thinking of you and Carole on Wednesday and I hope it goes well.
It’s at times like this, that you find an inner strength, and this strength is helped by all the love and kind support from friends and family.
I am trying to keep the negative at bay and look forward to the future.
Kindest Regards
Andy
hi guys.
my hubby has found it hard to talk to any one about my cancer, about how worried he is.
we do talk a lot ourselves and i know what pain you must all be going through right now.
i want concern and a bit of pampering but i don’t want the sad sympathetic looks. the looks that make you feel you’ve got the lurgy and might die look.
we cope quite well with black humour. i have been known as, baldylocks and the 3 hairs. he does gaige when to give humour and when to give a cuddle.
i have recently gone back to work and have had a blip with an infection, that has pulled me down emotionally. made me a bit tired too.
it has made me cry a lot and this is where it hurts my hubby, he feels helpless and doesn’t know what to do. he does as much as any of you can do and that is all we can ask of you.
there are times when i get a different kind of suppot from the ladies on this site because they have gone past the stage i am at so there fore they know exactly what i am saying.
it is not to say you don’t but they know.
you all sound as if you are doing a great job.
sharon. x
Hi Guys It’s so nice to read the lovely caring and compasionate things you all say about your partners, my husband just like you all just doesn’t know what to do, he’s kind, loving, supportive but feels alone, he’s sad and tries to put on abrave face for me because he knows he can’t conjure up a magic cure, he needs just like all of you someone to talk to, I wish I could persuade him to read your posts but I don’t want to feel as though I’m taking away his pride. I have had my mastectomy and am just coming to terms with it, the sad thing is as a women you feel as though your’e not loved or a full woman any more, that’s just not true as | found out, Paul loves me if not more now than he did before.
You’r e all special to us keep spporting us guys, we need you.
Hi
thanks for your supportive reply, it means a lot. It amazes me how we can all find a certain degree of comfort by communicating like this, knowing that there are so many people out there going through the same thing. I do hope one day that a magic cure does come about, and people like you don’t have to have surgery.
I know exactly how Paul feels, and you can only do that when you have been there and are undertaking the journey. I am sure pride does not play a part in it, probably like me fear of the unknown.
I have said to my wife that I will love her no less and cannot love her anymore than i already do, she said would i still find her beautiful, i said that i only need to look into her eyes, no were else to find the person i married, had children with and love.
On another note our sense of humour is cutting in, we agreed that if there is a look wait for radiotherapy and shes getting hungry, she should take a pot noodle and ask them to zap that first! Sorry but we have to still laugh at times.
My fondest regards to you and Paul and all the best for the future.
Regards Andy
Great Support Hello Tykes
You are giving the best support possible to your lovely wife, it will mean the world to her even in her darkest moments. I was diagnosed with bc 2 years ago. The support I was given by my husband was something very special to me and I’ll always remember it. He even had all his hair shaved off when I lost mine just so that we could look the same.
Please keep in touch,
Our very best wishes to you both
Love Binner
Thanks Thanks to all for the wonderful messages of support. It’s now almost two weeks since Carole’s surgery, and whilst things COULD be going better (she’s been having problems with seroma, and infection), all in all, we’re getting through it. We did have something of bad day yesterday, when we were told that she’d need radio-therapy after her chemo (up to then, it had simply been a possibility, nothing more)¦but, like everything else that has happened so far, she’s been incredibly brave about it.
Andy, our thoughts and best wishes will be with your wife and you on the 26th. Just be there for her, all the way. If you’re anything like me, well¦I was playing the strong, silent, supporting partner. Until we got to the doors of the theatre, and, I had to leave her. Even with the pre-med, she looked so small and scared. I just wanted to scoop her up in my arms and run off with her! I had to settle with giving her a kiss, and telling her I loved her so much. Anyway¦enough of that! Things, as I say are going well.
To everyone else who took the trouble to reply, again, thank you. Lorri, Binner and Wonder1, I’m glad that your partners are with you all the way¦Lorri though, tell Paul to have a look at this site. It may well help him, as it did me, to know that other husbands/partners appreciate exactly what HE’S going through. And I doubt it will hurt his pride. My best wishes go to you both anyway.
Hurdle 1 done! Hi Tykes and all
hope things are going better now? Yes i like you tried the strong silent type, and failed. Walking down the coridoor on the way to admissions was the longest walk i have ever done.
Surgery went well on the 26th and i bought her home on the Saturday, there was a moment of dispair when they said it might be Sunday!!
We now go to Lincoln on the 8th to find out the results etc.
It was just such a releif to bring her home.
Thoughts and prayers to all, and heres to a bright future.
Andy
thanks for keeping us posted.
again its the waiting, will it be chemo , will it be rads?
i found they just drip feed the information, although they did say to me before that they thought i might not need chemo or rads, when the time came, i did. they spoke of the chemo 1st and said they would talk about rads later.
at the time i wanted to know all, but as time went on i could understand why they were doing it slowly. it is to much for us to deal with all at once, even if you think you can .
it’s just 1 step at a time.
take care.
sharon. x
thank god for men like you Dear Tykes,
I read your blog and want you to know how much the support of a husband/partner can mean. Your wife is truly lucky to have such a good man with her at this time. I wish you every success with this fight.
Last night my childhood friend very sadly died from this hideous disease. She was 36 years old, divorced and had two young daughters.
I feel so sad that she did not have a husband or partner to be there for her and her children (although her family were fantastic).
Just knowing that the person you love most is around to support you is more important than you could ever realise. Knowing that I can just cry on my husband 's shoulder if I want to and that he will be there to understand and give me a cuddle is making the whole nightmare easier for me. I so much wish that my dear friend could have had that kind of support. It would have meant so much to her and her daughters.
So to all husbands and partners out there who are going through this painful process, please know that your very presence is helping your wives and partners beyond measure.
So sorry Leah I read your post, and cried with you. I am SO sorry to hear about your friend. I’m glad though, that your husband is with you through this terrible time.
You, like my wife, are going through something he and I can only imagine…and then only in our worst nightmares. All we can do is hold your hands, tell you we love you so much, and we WILL get through this.
Carole started her chemo last week…and although we didn’t know too much about what it entailed, she simply took it, like everything else, in her stride. She’s incredibly brave…but then, after putting up with me for so long, I guess she thinks BC is nothing!
Again, I’m so sorry about your friend…but be strong for your husband (and trust me, he needs you almost as much as you need him right now!), and remember that this horrible thing is beatable.
My thoughts, and prayers, are with you, and Andy and Hubby…and everyone else going through this terrible ordeal.