I need to type this down so that its stops playing on my mind as otherwise I am going to make myself ill with. My mum was diagnosed with secondary cancer 2 years ago at same time as primary diagnosis of breast cancer. I feel so alone with my thoughts.
I have a really good relationship with my mum and its so horrid to see what this disease has done to her and in turn to our family. Yet she remains positive and is doing as much as she can. The cancer has meant she has given up work, needs an adapted car and has to take tablets like they are sweeties. Loads of people think she is ok now but the cancer is still there and she is never going to be back to my “normal” mum. I want my mum back I want someone else to tell me they have been in this position and you get through it.
It sounds like you’re having a really difficult time at the moment. If you feel you would like to talk to someone in confidence then the Breast Cancer Care Helpline is here for you, offering support and information. Calls to the helpline are free, lines are open Mon to Fri 9am - 5pm and Sat 9am - 2pm Tel: 0808 800 6000
I’m sure you will also get lots of support from the other users of this site.
Hi J2007
I am so sorry that you feel this way but it is still your mum. It must be really painful to see her like this but she needs you to treat her as normal as possible. I have never been in this position as i am the one one has had the cancer but i was very aware how people changed their behaviour around me. It is a very difficult time for you all and you should make the time you have together the happist time possible, fun and full of laughter.
I try to make every moment count, not to think too much about the future and live for today. I donot know if this will help you but hope that other people in this situtaion will reply to you message, just did not want you to feel alone.
Thinking of you.
I am not sure how old you are, or your Mum, so it is difficult to know what to say, but my Mum was diagnosed with primary and secondary breast cancer at the same time. She was 76 then. Yes, it was a terrible shock, but the doctors did a great job in managing it for some time. It did get difficult towards the end, but up to then, she carried on much as before while she could.
It is true that your Mum will want you to treat her just as before, with love and kindness, but not smothering. I think I was guilty of that towards the end, trying to make suggestions which might help, but probably being a pain.
Yes, you do get through it. It is amazing what you can cope with when you have to. You will have your ups and downs and she will understand this, but you will find the strength every time you need it. Try to make time for yourself, though. You cannot support someone if you are in need of support yourself.
Hello J2007, I just wrote a reply to your letter but it has got lost so will re-try. I am a Mum, aged 59 with 2 daughters who are now 27 and 34. I first had BC when I was 39 and 10 years ago was diagnosed with secondaries in my bones. I would be only too happy to listen to you and help if I can. I am glad that you have a good relationship with your Mum but sometimes it is good to have someone else to share your worries with so that you can be honest with yourself. Sometimes just saying or writing down what you are worried about actually helps you work things out in your own mind. I gave up work 10 years ago and take lots of medication too. Please let me know how you are feeling and if you prefer you can send me a private message. Perhaps I will learn something that would give me an insight of the worries my own daughters have. Ask me anything you like and I will do my best to answer you honestly. We are here to help you through this difficult time. Lots of love and big hugs from Val (Scottishlass)
I don’t think actively my behaviour is different infront of my mum. We continue to spend time together and have fun. However, this is how I feel on the inside and I know that keeping emotions and feeling inside is not healthy.
Dear J2007,
I an a psychotherapist and would urge you to get some support in the way of counselling/therapy. as you say keeping emotions in is not useful or good for you. If you feel better in yourself, you will then have the emotional space to support your mum in this very difficult time for both of you
Best wishes
Leadie
I am sorry to hear all that you’re going through. I’m not in the same situation but following on from Leadie’s post if you felt you wanted some help I would recommend the Cancer Counselling Trust. You can have 9 sessions of telephone counselling and they ask for a donation rather than a fee. Although 9 sessions isn’t a lot it did help me to have a safe place to express my emotions. I gained much from having it. Their website will give you more information: cancercounselling.org.uk
Dear J2007, I sent you a private message but have not heard back from you and wondered how you were doing and if you had managed to get any help. I’d love to hear your story and give you a listening ear so that you can share what is troubling you. If I can be of any help please be feel to contact me. I also wondered how your Mum is doing? Love Val (Scottishlass) X
I want someone else to tell me they have been in this position and you get through it.