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Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

I love this thread.

My friend told me I have to be "positive" to beat the cancer. The lady across the road from her died as she gave up!"

I am sure having gone through 12 months of treatment she just decided to roll over and die!

I hate the word "positive" - everyone uses it. I feel like screaming when it used. I now tell them that I cant always be positive - so if I die it is obviously my fault. It usually gets an apology - if nothing else!!

My onc told this week that they were really busy because of the bank holidays. He was run off his feet and going grey. I reminded him that grey or not - he still had hair. He apologised and said he will remember not to say that in a breast clinic anymore.

Janvis

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi all
Not posted on here before but I think its a great thread.
Just today my OH and I have been to see his employees. I was DX breast cancer 2009 and my OH just DX Dec 2010 with prostate cancer. presently my OH is in the early stages of DX and niether of us really sure what to expect. What was the comment "Oh but you both look so well" S**t thats just what we needed to hear. Did they think then that my OH should be at work???? and guess what we both feel like c**p even if we do look ok.
Cory XXX

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Polly - my thoughts are running along much the same lines. Last time I had an 'annual review' we discussed taking my credit card debt and converting it into a personal loan... sounded good, except they expected me to not notice that they wanted to charge me a higher interest rate on the loan than I was paying on the card!!!!! Three hours of sums and empty promises.. what a total waste of time.

So, my opinion of bank managers is not exactly high either.. but would be quite nice to be spoken to as a person of importance for once in my little life!!!!

Actually, v. tempted to tell them I'm moving banks...lmao... except I've been with this bank since I was 16 and now my account number off by heart, so prob. wont. Wouldn't that be sweet, though?

Sophie xx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Sophe, I'm going to be pleased when the bank phone me to ask about investing my money. They wouldn't give me the time of day when I asked them to increase my overdraft temporarily two months ago. I'm taking my time thinking of a really good reply and pity the poor person who calls me on that day!
Polly

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hmmm.. the best kind? Darn. There's me thinking it would have been easier to have had a little mole that had a weeny bit of cancer in it but that hadn't spread anywhere else.. silly me. Obviously breast cancer is the best one, and after all - we're all so thrilled to have any type of cancer, aren't we?

Sophie xx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

I got told that I was lucky to have breast cancer because if you've to get cancer - breast was the best kind. This was by the nurse chaperoning at my first year check up! When I told a few folk this they agreed!
Eh- I'd be grateful if someone could fill me in. Am I missing something here? Over a year and a half later I still feel shit with all the chemicals in my body and I'm waiting for my 5th op!
It's good that there is this site as nobody knows what it's like. x

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

I have to admit to a great admiration for the ladies who managed to put peeps in their place! My claim to feeling sneakily proud is when when my bank rang to 'chat' to me about my life insurance? "It's a little old fashioned the policy and you have had this policy a while we wondered if you would be interested in updating it?"
I had only just been diagnosed! so I answered" will it be a better one now I have just been diagnosed with breast cancer?" The silence was amazing I got the giggles just thinking the guy was wishing he hadn't made that call that day! Quite evil really but at least they haven't bothered me since! Though to be honest I can't take the crappy comments on how 'brave' you are nope! brave is something you put yourself up for knowingly and this is one we didn't sign up for! Go for it I am now at the stage where I don't want to hurt people's feelings but no more putting up with people who just annoy anymore! If something has to come out of this it is to change this Yes woman into a more honest one who will and can say NO in future.

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Avoided awkward comments in bank.. just! Cashier looked a bit askance and apologetically (and quietly, I must add) asked where the cash was coming from - money laundering regs and all I suppose. I explained it was a medical insurance pay out, and told her straight out that I have breast cancer - she was BRILLIANT. Not cloying sympathetic, not dismissive - real honest woman to woman 'that's shit. Good luck with it'. I LOVE that cashier!!! She asked me if I wanted to discuss with a bank manager what to do with the money (isn't that more - what the bank would like me to do with it to help them out?) and I said no, I'm mid chemo and the last thing I want to do on a 'good' day is spend three hours with the bank, and she has put a note on my account to that effect - so we shall see if that works! Can see me getting a phone call, ooh, by Friday latest inviting me to come in and discuss. That phone call WILL be short.

Have read all other comments with interest/amusement and appalledness (don't know what adjective is right for being appalled!). Millykins, I'd have died - so brave of you to parade alternative hair, not dared take mine further than bedroom at mo... can hide easier under baseball cap!!

Swastika comment appalling, and s*d all to do with political correctness - idiot insensitive prattish loudmouth behaviour - well done for complaining.

'Only a breast' is one of my fave irks... and YES I firmly believe that bc awareness pink and fluffiness is one of the major causes of other people believing it is a frivolous illness and not 'really' cancer.

Sophie xxxx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

When I went into work after my first chemo a colleague commented "But you look so normal!" I don't know if she expected me to come in looking like an extra from the Thriller video or what?!

Another time I went into work in a wig that I was a bit unsure about. I happened to say to a colleague that my son didn't like this particular wig because it looked a bit wiggy and she said "yes it does up to the others". That little comment ruined my whole day as I felt really self conscious and afraid to leave my desk for fear of odd looks.

I hate the "brave" comments too. Like we have a choice!

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

My OH in conversation with the CEO about working from home whilst I was having Chemo so he could do school run etc was told:"you must be relieved it's bc and nothing more serious!"
Is it the pink/fluffy image which give bc the reputation of a non serious cancer? I find it very upsetting that people think having a breast cancer dx is no more serious than having your wisdom teeth out! X

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Inappropriate comments, ive had a few in my time too!
Wouldnt it be nice if people would just put their mouths into gear before they blurted out some of this stuff .

The day of my DX , this guy i know said to me,

(Him)"Oh, my first wife had breast cancer"
(Me) Oh did she?
(Him)"Yeah, she died 6 mths later,id never marry a woman with breast cancer!
Jeeessse ,Thanks mate, i realy didnt need to know that.

I also always get the "You Look Well" and the other one "They can cure that these days" ,ive given up trying to explain it,its realy just not worth the effort .

Another one i have had a lot is "Oh, if i had to have Cancer ,id rather have BC because they can just whip off your boobs!! ", realy? my Doc didnt think of that one, its realy not quite that easy ........ .

And recently,"have you got over your little blip now" arghhhhhh, I give up!!
Guess those that dont live in cancer world,just havent got a clue, so now ive learnt to smile sweetly and mutter some inapproiate Obscenities under my breath , its not their fault i suppose ,but maybe people could learn to be a bit more tactfull or better still say NOTHING!

Linda x

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

...thankfully I'm retired but I've had the few breast focussed glances! I just look them straight in the eye. Yr guy was lucky neither you nor colleagues hit him - you took the right action, BW

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi everybody

I have got a bit of stinker. Its about hair.

I was at work having just finished 8 cycles of chemo. At the time I was in the kitchen talking to a couple of collegues when the Chair of the board walked and began to make a cuppa. He knew that I was being treated for breast cancer. He looked at me and said 'you're hair is very short, you look like a football hooligan, all you need is a swastica on your forehead'. I was shocked and all I could answer was 'well at least I am not a fluffy chick'. For some reason it took his comments as sexist. The room went silent and he left.

I then had to face him at peformance panel where you questioned on how well your team is doing. I don't know how I held it together but I did.

The next day I reported him to the Chief Executive. He was challenged and made to apologise. I think he must have felt a bit sore about it as a few months later he made a comment to me that 'its not all about political correctness'. I never thought it was I just don't think its ok to abused in that way at work.

I think I had the last laugh as I told the biggest gossip in the organisation and it went round like wildfire to cries of he should be done for what he did.

It still makes me feel a bit mad just thinking about it again.

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Just posted this elsewhere but very appropriate for here - I was in town today & suddenly heard a very loud call in the high street - "Hi Jo - Nice wig!" - & when I say loud - it was very loud. it was my daughter's nursery manager who I know well & I honestly think she was surprised to see me out & really did like my wig but as it was my first time out with it on I felt very vulnerable - I did say "I can't believe you just said that" & she went very red & apologised then we chatted about something else & she did the whole you look so well line but after I said goodbye I nearly burst into tears I was so embarrassed & I am not normally like that but I think it had taken me a lot of guts to go out in my wig for the first time that to be outed in public was a real shock - I am sure she feels terrible & it was just utter thoughtlessness.

we definitely shut up all the estate agents hassling us after my DX by just telling it like it is - they made damned sure they removed us off their call list after that so at least it worked.

I do feel sorry for other people sometimes when they want to moan about life niggles then they realise that in comparison to what we have it is nothing but I always tell them I know to then these things are still important - there's always someone better or worse off so it isn't a competition & I'd hate people not to be able to talk about their stuff to me even if it does seem trivial in comparison

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

I have 3 that make me smile.

1. Son was in afghanistan when I found out about the BC. Chaplin was lovely. However when I rang family welfare about him coming home early I was asked " Are you actually dying?" "Well no just starting treatment" " Oh well there's no chance of him coming home if you're not dying."

2. I get a sharp needle like pain in the breast.When I mentioned it to the consultant he told me to massage it when it happened.(Interesting to do while being watched by 28 children) And I should be grateful for the pain because I was alive.

3. Three years on I was sent for another ultra sound to check for secondaries.I was laid on the same bed I'd first been told I had BC, the VERY young radiologist walked in and breezily asked how I was. Obviously he was expecting me to reply in the same manner. He was astounded when I told him exactly how I felt through clenched teeth. Exit one very shocked radiographer enter one very efficient consultant.

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Am I really naughty to have laughed in horror at some of the stories you've come out with? Oh sod it, I laughed anyway.

And that Cancer Card gets played occasionally too, when it serves my purpose to do so. The only reason I told a friend who's helping me to sort out the financial mess I've managed to get myself in (before cancer) was not to upset him but so that he could use it as freely as he wishes in the right areas. He's a bit like Nottsgal's mate with the inappropriately black humour and he makes me laugh. He asked me today "so remind me, what day are you going in for your boob job?" Silly sod, I couldn't help but smile!

SCACO, I had a phone call from a friend like that just this morning, who proceeded to pour out all her woes. I knew that's what the call would be like as she only ever phones me when she has woes to pour out, so when, half an hour (no, really!) into the call, she finally said "and what about you" I took a very mean and nasty pleasure in telling exactly what. Didn't stop her for long, the conversation quickly got back onto her woes. Not a problem really, and at least I know when she's on the phone I've got something else to think about. So even that kind of friend can be useful to have.

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

One of the times people have big cheques to deposit is after a death, so people in the bank should know not to make 'lucky you' comments. Sometimes you'd really rather not have that money.

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

staycalmandcarryon - if it got you a higher spec machine, ace!! I'm steeling myself for poss. inappropriate comment coming up in twenty mins or so... just had insurance payout (woop woop, that takes a LOT of weight off my shoulders), and have to take cheque to bank in a minute. Know someone else on here got congratulated by cashier on having such a lovely amount to put in the bank... and have a feeling I may face the same in a mo... do I tell the truth?!! For once, I don't give a stuff how inapt the comment may be... bye bye credit cards and car loan.. and yes, the credit cards are def. for the chop.

Sophie xx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi all,
The most memorable comment made to me was when my hair was just growing back (about 2" long & extremely curly) when a male aquaintance, who didn't know about bc, said "Well, I have to tell you, I don't know why you've changed your hairstyle but it looks awful, makes you look old". His face when I told him about having chemo made it all worthwhile!! After all, bc aside, no-one should make a comment like that to anyone. I don't think he'll be so insensitive again though, he stayed away from the pub for weeks.

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Well the most insensative (and inaccurate) comment I had was from my solicitor ( ie a supposedly well educated man) 'Well most womens cancers are cureable now arn't they?' Try telling that to the families of all the lovely ladies lost to secondary BC. I've since changed my solicitor.
I did also get a bit of a kick telling the traffic warden who planted a ticket on my car just before Xmas 08 that I was recovering from BC and so a ticket was NOTHING by comparison - should have seen his face!
cheers
Caroline

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

A colleague from work said to me recently "You have changed a lot since you were diagnosed with cancer"
"Oh have I?" says me
"Oh yes, and I have to say, for the better!" says she.

I decided just to bite my tongue rather than enquire what she had thought of me beforehand or something else that may have led to me losing it with her.

This is the same colleague who told me I should be grateful for everything that has been done to help me back into work (and rather a lot of other nasty comments about 2 months after I had returned to work)

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Trip, you are much nicer than me!

Had kitchen done during that week from hell that we've all had (Waiting Week) and there was a problem with washer. Sorry to say I cried, told the man and ended up with a higher spec machine the next day!

Splendid.

It's got to be good for something!
x

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

staycalmandcarryon - perfect! Love that attitude - good girl.

Only got tempted to play the cancer card once.. when I got cut up in Tesco carpark by a git in a white escort - I was just starting to reverse in to a space near the store when he swung round me and drove into it.. oh I was fuming! So very very tempted to just get out of the car and roar you b8stard.. I have CANCER.. but didn't give in to my baser urges. It wasn't because I had cancer that I was angry, but I just wanted to screw up his day a bit too.. not very noble, eh?

(and my son pointed out that it would prob. be more effective if I waited til I was bald and 'looked' like I had cancer, charming! Mind you.. that's where I am now... I'll be on the look out for that escort....)

Sophie xx

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

The only thing that slightly irks is "...but you don't look ill!" To which i reply - "i'm not ill. I will feel ill when i have the chemo but i'm not 'ill'. I would be ill if i left it, i would die if i left it, but right now i just have cancer in my boob".

I have to say i've been a bit naughty using what my OH calls the Cancer card. When approached by someone who felt free comment on my appearance in the pub (new short hair) "So...what's brought on the new image then?"
"Cancer"
"-"

Also, having listened politely to an aquaintance fill me in on a truly riveting step-by-step, bow-by-blow guide to his past 3 years (in which he didn't take a breath, admirable really) he said:
"So, enough about me. Tell me about you." I could see his eyes already glazing over.
"Oh me. I've got cancer".
"-"

Such fun!
x

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

The worst comment I had was from my elder sister who had a successful lumpectomy with rads 5 years ago and has now finished with tamoxifen. When I told her that my lumpectomy was unsuccessful and that I needed a mastectomy she said she would rather die than lose a breast.
Due for my 3rd FEC tomorrow and I'm now dreading it. Do the s/e get worse cuimulatively?
I'm also fed up by people who tell me how brave I am when I don't feel at all brave!

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

I tend to give people a pass as well, although a few comments have made me groan inside, but it's because I know I am not very good at finding the right words either. Even when someone came to me last week to tell me they had just been diagnosed, I found myself saying let's hope they've caught it early and everything will be fine, the chemo is so good blah, blah, blah ...

Really the only people that have hit just the right note are my friends that are medics, or who have had a close experience with cancer. For everyone else it's just impossible for them to understand, and when people are put on the spot it's terribly difficult. The other day I was chatting to a friend and she started talking about retirement plans - as I have secondaries retirement is something I can't bear to think about and don't plan more than 6 months in advance, but because I look well now, she had just assumed that I will be fine. I found myself fighting back tears, and was mortified that I made her feel bad. I've tried really hard to be normal so people don't feel uncomfortable around me and don't feel they have to watch every word, but that inevitably means people forget and say tactless things from time to time.

The only thing that does occasionally get on my nerves is when I am told about so and so who had bc and is fine now 10, 15, 20 years later - whatever - and they don't understand the person they are talking about had primary bc not secondaries, but it's too uncomfortable to explain the difference, so I just smile and say that's marvellous. I think in many ways bc has made me a much more tolerant person.

finty xx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Chocciemuffin - I think the thread is great and I didn't mean to make you feel bad in anyway. It's just that I really don't get angry with comments but do get very angry with people avoiding me like I've got the plague.

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hey cm,
Don't feel bad for starting a new thread, folk don't have to read or respond if they feel people are being unusually sensitive.

When people start telling me about their friends / aunts experience of bc is soooo annoying also the recent new year I've been told 2011 is MY year, that things can't get any worse, like suddenly everyone can see the future. But I love each one of my friends dearly x

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

ChoccieMuffin, you should be able to start any non-offensive thread you want. This forum is where we can say what we want and can't say anywhere else. Better for us to rage on here about friends' comments than risk losing those friends by snapping back at them.

If anyone had said they were doing the Moonwalk for me, I would have been a bit like 'so am I supposed to say thank you?' My 17 year old niece organised a cake sale and a fancy dress day at school in aid of Breast Cancer Care but just put reminders that the events were coming up on her Facebook page. I just put a comment 'good cause Jess'.

When my husband told one of his friends that I had to have a mx, the friend said to him 'well you can only work on one at a time anyway'. I thought that was quite funny. Also a male friend of mine from uni, who I haven't seen for years, said when I told him I had BC 'but you used to have fantastic tits'. I said 'well now I have one fantastic one'. His response 'does that mean you walk round in circles?' I said I have something to put in my bra and he asked if that meant my husband couldn't find his socks in the morning. All of this was a lot better a conversation than any where people tell me to think positive or about their neighbour's aunt's third cousin's experience of BC.

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

ChoccieMuffin - it was so difficult telling people to begin with - not so much that it was 'hard' to say I had cancer - but I felt that I was just blithely carrying on regardless and leaving this trail of devastation in my wake... It's much better now that just about everyone knows - but there are certain comments that just really, really get on your nerves!! For me 'the chemo is so much better these days' one was the worst - I know it was intended to calm my pre-chemo nerves, but it really, really didn't work. I did feel like saying 'well, if it's so f'in easy, come and have some with me then'.. so I'm certainly no angel when it comes to dealing with others.

A few people have approached me with that hush, hush, softly, softly approach, I find loud belly laughs and inappropriate comments (from me) generally put paid to that 🙂

Sophie xx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

I feel a real heel now for starting this thread, you're all so very good with people I think I'm going to hang my head in shame now for thinking naughty thoughts about what I wanted to reply! 😄

I admit I haven't had much more than just the shock from people finding out, and the vast majority of people have been extremely supportive once they've picked themselves up off the floor, but I know some people have had some gobsmackingly insensitive things said to them. Sometimes we WANT to say something really brutal in response (I know I wanted to be a bit more blunt with the reply that I did give but that would have been cruel) but we do tend to bite our tongues.

I'm still at the very early stages and still haven't started ANY treatment yet so am still at the "telling people" stage. And as I don't LOOK (or feel) "ill" it is a hell of a shock for others so once I've broken the news I tend to be the one turning the conversation onto other topics so that they know that I'm still me, that I don't need to talk about cancer all the time and that I'm still interested in THEIR lives too.

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

My favourite reaction of a friend finding out I had cancer was that he instantly gave me the number of the local hospice! Hilarious!

A sense of humour has got me this far (two weeks post op and awaiting chemo)

H x

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Unless a comment is hurtful I don't mind too much. I'd rather someone said something to me (that I could correct) than them not say anything. I've had friends and even family members that haven't been able to ring up or write as though somehow cancer was contagious. To me that's worse.

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Where to start?! I'm a blurter, not a thinker, I have discovered, and I think I may have taught quite a few people the lesson.. when you see someone you haven't seen for a while, don't make your first question 'How are you?' - unless you REALLY want to know .

I've had lots of 'you may not lose your hair', which is easy enough to correct, and there's no disputing it now.

'The drugs they use in chemo are so much more advanced'.. actually, a lot of them are EXACTLY the same drugs as forty years ago.. epirubicin for one.. the only difference with the drugs is that now they know they can give us even higher doses without killing us.... (Yes, I know the anti nausea meds are hugely improved, thank god, and yes, I know we prob. don't suffer as much as those having chemo forty years ago... but DON'T imply to me that we are having less poison pumped into us, because actually, if anything, we are having MORE).

'At least you only lose a breast, it's not like your lungs or liver or anything'. Where to start? If I wasn't terrified of tempting fate (actually, have decided I'm not.. fate has not been over kind to any of us, so may use this next time..) - I think the only answer is 'not yet'. Please god, it may never happen - but bc CAN recur, as all too many of you know firsthand - and with a high grade/low age/large tumour/lymph nodes... well - I know my prog. is better than a lot - but it's not exactly certain!

'You're the bravest woman I know'. Do you not know any other women then? No soldiers? No policewomen? No firefighters? No secondary school teachers? Granny wasn't in the Land Army or a WAAF? My fight wasn't a choice, and I wouldn't have enlisted for it if it had been.

BUT for every kick in the guts, there have been ten times the supportive comments, or just no comment at all - a smile and a raised glass, and a conversation that is completely ordinary and un-bc related.. and for all those friends, this 'brave' 'follically challenged' 'fighter' salutes you.

Sophie xxx

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Muffet, that's so funny! And yes, it might have been a bit mean but we are only human after all.

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi lostinfrance, after re-reading my comment I now feel really mean and ungrateful when all they are doing are raising money and awareness! I just hate feeling I'm their charity case ... Spain sounds really exciting, what a brilliant idea

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Pinkrose....I really understand that one as there is a team doing the Moonwalk because I and a few others they know got breast cancer and they were so shocked.
Its their way of dealing with it, not feeling helpless etc. What I did was to sponsor them through just giving so i am a giver not a taker....meant more to them than anything!......and even though I hate the pinkness I will probably volunteer as a steward to support them and so they can see I'm not dead!!!!
I am intending to walk across Spain in September....no not for charity but for the sheer hell of it!!!!

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Morning all.

Love your comment about leaving the house Teresa, that really made me giggle! The worst comment I've had (so far) is 'I'm doing the MoonWalk just for you this year'. Oh great - just for me the local charity case in the village ... made my blood boil. I haven't yet thought of a suitable comment back ...

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Like many people on the 'Sick to my back teeth' thread, I am tired of being told that I might not lose my hair because treatment is so much better now. I answer that 2 of the chemicals are guaranteed hair loss and one is probable hair loss, so the only question is when and how much. I try to do this in a jokey way, but....

A friend who has been through adult leukemia has been very supportive and aware that not all treatment is the same.

Another problem is people who don't say anything and don't even talk to you.

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi
I agree with LiF, having braved the rugby club on Sunday - good friends and casual aquaintences - had a variety of comments, specially as I have decided not to wear wigs, hats, scarves most of the time ..... one of the lads (19) who did not know about BC (but I have known since for ever) made what could have been considered a crass comment, but as I know him so well, it was because he just didn't know what to say, at all!
Also at rugby club there is always a fair amount of banter, and in the past, I have given various people jip over various things, and I now consider it to be my turn - it's not meant meanly and to be honest, I would be more upset if they treated me differently or completely ignored me or the fact that I have a bald head....

TBH I find comments affect me differently, depending who utters them.

My MIL drives me nuts - refers to it as the BIG C! This drives me nuts as when my FIL was dx with prostate cancer, she said cancer quite "happily"

Humour and honesty works for me most of the time, but we all deal with differently!

LiF - are you getting out today or will I have to assemble the "C" team (hope that wasn't inappropriate!)?

SJ xx

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi all,
I agree totally with lostinfrance, people want to say something, but don't know what to say, so something inappropriate usually comes out, when I found out I didn't need chemo, I got totally pi$$#d off with folk telling me how lucky I was, as radio was 'nothing!' To which I replied oh hadn't realised you'd had radio and know all about it!, met with silence, and a change of subject. Also after my op a work pal sent a card saying I was sadly missed, felt like I'd died already.
At least I now know what not to say to people dx with a long term illness!

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

This should be a thread to bring tears to the eyes.....LOL

I think that answering honestly and putting people right CAN be a way of raising awareness of breast cancer.....and any other cancer too.
People are really scared of saying stuff and often don't know what to say which is why comments often seem crass.
People don't know what chemo is.....as the only thing they see is hair loss and a pale face and it scares the #### out of them. Men don't often have a problem as bald and shaven heads are common.....and accepted!

I think answering with humour and honesty, even if the honest answer is rather blunt....is the key.

Muffett.....have made mental note to use that one ;-)))

Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

The last shop assistant who said to me blithely, 'hi, and how are you today...'

'Apart from the cancer and the chemo, just great thanks. What about you?'

Mean I know.

Tracey

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Re: Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

Hi One of my favorites was when I lost my hair... People couldn't resist saying... Oh I See Youv'e Lost Your Hair Then...

So the last time a so called friend said it too me i screamed at the top of my voice... OH My God No It Was There When I Left The House This Morning !!!!!

You should have seen her face... it was worth saying!!!

You will get use to the comments as time passes..

Love Teresa xxx

Inappropriate comments and how you've dealt with them

On reading lots of the forums recently, I've noticed people mentioning some of the more inappropriate and sometimes hurtful comments that have been directed by well-meaning people.

So here's a thread to dish up what THEY said, and what YOU said in reply (or even what you WANTED to say but bit your tongue instead).

to start:

On posting the Breast Cancer Awareness message and my own little personal experience on a forum I go on, I got a well-meaning "hope you're fully on the mend soon" message.

After thinking about it for a while, I responded that treatment is 5-6 years so not just a quick op and all done, and that's only if it doesn't come back, which it might, and that would be a different battle. I know the lady concerned meant well but she missed the point of the post.

Any other comments that have had your blood boiling? (And I don't care whether you felt you had a right to be annoyed, if you were annoyed, just post away!)