Insensitive or WHAT!!!???

[Guest user]

Nonny

You will have your hols in Crete - and I do hope that when you do you have a really, really lovely time.

Janey x

[Nonny]

Hi All
Thanks for the laughter and the tears, what a great thread. I was feeling really down when I found this and it has cheered me up no end. Just had TAC number five out of six, everyone says you know what to expect. Yes unfortunately I do, up to a point, but the side effects are slightly different each time and take you by surprise. I am lucky I suppose, I have a very supportive family and small circle of friends, quite a few of which have been where I am now, so no snide or thoughtless comments so far. Should be in Crete on holiday with my sister who lives there, had to cancel because of the BC so feeling really really low, thanks again for all the smiles and laughs.

Love you all
Nonny
Nonny

[Guest user]

Just remembered another ....................

Manager at work (as I stood there in my wig, so obviously false I hardly ever wear it, no eyebrows and severely thinned eyelashes) - "oh you are so lucky to have blond hair and blue eyes - I always wanted this rather than my brunette" if chemo brain had clicked in earlier should have removed the wig then and there!

Ha, ha, tee, hee

Janey x

[Guest user]

Had to throw in a bit more ................ all that has been said is so true but how about this one (or two):-

Stepmother comment - (by the way I have smallish breasts) - "I always think it must be worse for those women with big breasts" - em, why??

Work colleague - (telling her I would loose my long blond hair - not that this is any different to short brown hair I hasten to add) - "well - a small price to pay for your life!! Still trying to work out whether she has a point as I sit here with tomato face, spots, no hair, shingles, pulled muscles, sore veins etc, etc, and still with yet more poisoning, slashing and burning to come!

Take care to you all and keep smiling through the grrrrrrrrr! On second thoughts no don't - tell them how it is!!!!

Janey x

[Guest user]

Dear All

I felt I should have a moan aswell, I totally agree with everything everybody else has said, you get fed up with so called friends saying I understand how you are feeling, no you don't. I also have a friend that each time I say I'm tired or my hands are cracking, yes she is tired must be just our age and her hands crack just keep putting cream on them, thanks for the advice does she not know I have tried virtually every cream under the sun. The latest comment from so called friend well we are all going to die sometime, yes I know that thanks but I might die sooner rather than later.

Rant over feel so much better

Beli

[Guest user]

I struggled to get to my assessment for penultimate chemo today, my heel has a huge red raw blister on it and I can only wear a pair of men's slippers. Therefore I got a taxi home (in these slippers and in my headscarf buff). I had to laugh cos the driver told me all his medical history including some tests on his lungs where he thought he had cancer and the onc phoned him and said he hadn't, and he had yelled "oooh I could KISS you, doctor". I sat in the back of the taxi, in my little buff, and just smiled like the Mona Lisa............

[Guest user]

Such a good read worthy of a bounce

[Guest user]

I recently returned to work full time and began to take the reigns back so to speak. I was trying to be sensitive to the 2 members of staff that had covered my work during my absences. However I did make an innocent gaff which upset them, and they over reacted by walking out of the office saying that they felt undermined. I had to resolve the situation so the next day I asked to speak to them, separately, so that they could air their concerns and I could get to the bottom of why they over reacted.

They both said they liked their own space, felt that I shouldn't share an office with them, I should carry on working from home.

Welcome back! And these were the ladies who's praises I sung to every manager I could think of to keep their positions open at the end of their contract.

[owls4eva]

Reading this thread always makes me chuckle even on a really sh*tty day. Cally the You are brave really does p*ss me off how can it be brave I thought being brave was something that you chose to do!!!! The other one is when chemo time is coming round and people say well you know what its like know yes I do which is the reason I dont want to go you moron DOH.

Well at least we keep each other smiling.

Karen XX

[cally2108]

The words , 'gosh its gone quick hasnt it' have no meaning for me now . Its been said to me so often I just say 'no it hasnt for me ' still smiling though !.
Or 'you're so brave'. I dont say anything to that one . Dont know how to reply.
Also the 'how are you' , or rather 'How ARE you' I also reply Fine, I know they are expecting more. All I can compare it to is if someone close to you has died or having a baby , you are on a different planet to everyone else in terms of understanding their emotions.

Had a friend say to me yesterday are you thinking about it less now , err , 'no I think about it all the time ' ( Cant imagine the day when I dont ) plus I'm still having rads so its not like its all behind me. I think people say such mind bogglingly stupid things I cant be bothered to give it any time. Then she went on to talk about how her roots need doing.

I sound pretty bitter and twisted but actually in my own little world with my children I'm ok . Think I may need some therapy after this to stop me turning into a crabby old woman who doesnt give kids their balls back.
Cally x

[Guest user]

Tricia and Ann, thankyou for your witty comments, especially the last paragraphs. Love the name Vodka. Have not been able to indulge since Nov. mastectomy because I have felt too poorly. But... when this is over intend to have the best night out ever. Perhaps this will be the time too be honest too some very ignorant people!
Ann I cannot imagine how you must feel while you wait. I so much hope that the tests are ok.
Margaret

[Vodka]

and to add my bit...

i got a text from sis-in-law asking if i was getting better. i replied saying there were probs my bc was worse than originaly thought. ( i was thought to be grade 1 but found out to be grade 3) and i need to go back into surgery.
phone call 2 days - how are you, and when i told her the details and when i get chemo i'll lose my hair blah blah, all i got was oh dear dear, like i've only got a cold- if only. then all her probs like they're worse than mine and then some hinting for a baby-sitter.

when i was first diagnosed her partner even offered to take my hubby out for a pint if he needed time out. - meaning from from me and my f***ing cancer.

would love to just scream as folk like that.
rant over will rant again another day.

take care all.

Ann x

p.s i am waiting on test results today from my bone scan and liver scan and i'm really scared, tearful, and lots of thought going through my head at the moment.

[Guest user]

I've just discovered this site and have been having a chuckle to myself .My sister-in-law visited me tonight for the first ime in about 10years.(my choice really!) When I opened the door she nearly had a heart attack.The look on her face was priceless.She probably thought I should be at the dressmakers getting measured for my shroud.

She handed me a box of chocolates and said she never brought flowers because the house already looked like a funeral parlour!She's dead nosey and had seen all the flowers when she was passing the house. She told me a mutual friend had told her I had "The Big C". She kept saying she couldn't believe I looked so healthy.Obviously she never noticed that I have a pretty good tan as I've just been on holiday.I hope I look good, I spent a fortune on the holiday and lotions and potions to get this colour! (Well actually hubby did.It was his treat to me before hospital).

She then asked me if the boob was coming off and when I said no she said "Well that's not so bad then,eh?" I'm now really looking forward to the chemo,rads and visiting the crazy wig lady when my long, thick dark hair falls out cos I know it's "Not so bad". In fact I just can't wait to get back into hospital for that axillary clearance.The op should be a hoot as the ward I'm going into supplies a really snazzy canvas shoulder bag to carry it around in.Prada & Gucci eat your heart out!

Oh the excitement,I can hardly contain myself! It's great being cheery & positive,looking fab and having the strong personality to cope with this.We are in such a selective club it should be compulsory to give all the prats free membership!

Tricia

[Guest user]

Hi AJ

My last FEC was in September 2007. I had my first haircut 5 weeks ago, not because it was long (laugh or what!) but because it was very uneven. But until it reaches a certain length, it will be quite a mess after I wash it (I wash it every day because I do yoga and tennis and it gets very sweaty) as it is not long enough to shape into a proper style. I am fortunate in that I live in Brighton so the vegetarian/lesbian (I am neither!) look is widely accepted/popular.

Yes, go ahead and get the ends trimmed (that's what I did) and it looks a whole lot better. And it is the beginning of your new you and hairstyle too, you are leaving the chemo and this cancer nonsense behind you.

(I have now completed chemo, surgery - mastectomy - and rads; it has taken a whole year. I have been so very grateful for this website and the input of fellow cancer victims. However, I am just so very saddened at not only the number of people suffering from breast cancer, but the fact that there are so many people in their 20s and 30s)

Good luck to you all
Bubs XX

[ForumMember]

I love this thread, I am laughing as I type. I have adopted the fine thing now as anything else you say is met with the "Yes but" response, it makes me want to yell "don't yes but me just listen to me for a minute" and then I'll shut up and be fine again.
A colleague was having a moan about her hair and all I could say was I would rather have a hundred bad hair days to one no hair day, although having said that it is growing back as a frizzy sticky up everywhere complete mess at the moment.

Will it help if I have it cut? I keep thinking I should have the ends taken off but can't bring myself to do it at the moment.

Love and hugs to everyone

AJxxx

[Guest user]

bumping up

[magsi]

Hi Andrea

Yes I am enjoying the first week of the school holidays. Been doing lots of catching up on school work, admin and planning for next term.
Thought of you yesterday when I went on the Paradise Wildlife Park site to book our Nursery / reception visit there in July -my free trip. Off out now with older son (back from uni) to St Pauls and up the 400 plus steps to the top. All of us to the ballet tonight at Covent Gargen -£5 tickets to sit in the slips at the top. Husband and I thought the boys needed a bit of culture. So 18 and 20 year old Arsenal supporters / uni students off to the ballet with mum and dad - should be fun!
love
Magsi

[Guest user]

i love the comment i am fine, as i have been wondering what to say to well meaning friends when they ask. and you always seem to say it with a smile.

[Guest user]

Yes I know what you mean Magsi,
I think we are being hard on other people, I think they find it difficult to put into words when they bump into you so all sorts comes out. I think also that they try too hard to be normal so say things like "my hairs a mess must go for a trim". Luckily I,m harder to upset.

Are you enjoying your time off ? Are your holidays different, my kids started last Friday for 2 weeks.
Love and hugs
Andrea x

[magsi]

Not qualified to speak from the chemo point of view but .....
At the very beginning when the lump was 'suspicious' a friend who knew that I might have to have a mastectomy said
'you are lucky you are small (34a actually!) because no-one will notice'
I thought 'I'll notice and my husband might notice'
I did have a mastectomy and yes I noticed and so did my husband!!
Magsi x

[owls4eva]

Hi Anna

Absolutely love this one, its going to make me feel so much better when I tell people who really dont want to know anyway that Im fine LOL!!!! Maybe someone could make up some others we could end up with a secret code tee hee

Love and hugs

Karen

[Guest user]

Ladies your allowed to say fine, for those with cancer it means something completely different and only those with cancer should no the true meaning, then you can say im fine and truely mean it:-
F****d off
Insecure
Nuerotic
Emotional!

Keep this to yourselves it really does help, im fine to everyone!!!! x Anna

[Guest user]

My Mum took her wig off only yesterday, out with great friends last night whom reassured her she looked ok...........BUT im so cross at next door neighbour today, mum was gardening and SHE (an ex psychiatric sister), said to mum "you should put your wig back on"..I was so angry..my mum told me not to make a fuss as it would stress her out more!!! Having gone through it myself, it is a big thing to throw the wig away....................but good thing we are both going blonde again!
Ginjill

[Guest user]

yes Ann the hair thing is SUCH a big deal. I was feeling very low yesterday and started to think of my very large ciricle of friends, to be honest there are only one or two I could imagine even attempting to take it in their stride as I have tried to do, I decided not to be too bitter but just to think oh well, pray God they never HAVE to know what it is like.

On a more positive note, a girl I didnt know very well before dx has been an excellent tonic as a friend. I told her I was having a grotty few days and that my normal cheery self had been replaced by a miserable toddler......she text back "Oh dear, Louise The Miserable Toddler, now that DOES sound scary". It made me laugh so much!

Louise x

[Guest user]

Hi ladies,
My worst comment so far was when I told a group of very good friends that I expect to lose my hair and I will be buying a wig. One suggested that " I should go for an Affro and really have a change of style! Ha ha! "

I chuckled with them at the time,to be polite, but inside my heart was sinking, cos it's going to be a HUGE deal to me losing my lovely hair. I just can't see anything remotely funny about it at all.

I've since plucked up the courage to tell that friend how I feel about it.( via a text messsage ). This bc is making me bold! Some people just don't think things through ,do they, before they open their mouth!
It's nice to be able to come on here and have a moan! However, most of my friends have been great so far.
Ann x

[Guest user]

Absolutely! "Tell me everything, I'm really concerned, and there are SO many people I'll repeat this to!"

I'm going out tonight with my neighbours, to a concert booked before any of this, and I know it's going to be 'question time'... when I had my mast/recon, one of the nurses commented on my address and said she was friends with one of the girls next door... I'd told them only that I'd been in hospital, I think by now they may have heard why! At least it's only them and not a whole group from the village as I'd originally thought, that would have been too much to deal with!

Lyn xx

[Guest user]

Actually I always suspect they mean ;"please tell me so I can put on the "cancer face" to I look as if I feel sorry for you...and then I can go and talk to everyone about how you have confided in me and how it's really, really serious." (nudge, raised eyebrows.....).

Louise x

[ForumMember]

so in other words " I know your not fine, your are suffering from this dreadful breast cancer, you poor thing. Please confide in me and tell how awful you are feeling. That way, I will feel much better because I am not you"!!!! How cynical am I?

Cathy
x

[Ruby1]

this one just irritates me so much and I've heard it so many times that I want to jump down people's throats when I hear it.....

Friend........so how are you?
Me...........yes fine thanks (even if I'm not I still say this as I hate this question)
Friend.........so how are you feeling IN YOURSELF?
Me.............(feeling in myself???) I'm fine (muttering under my breath what part of I'm fine don't you understand and what do you mean in yourself? Is that different to how are you feeling? In yourself?) errrrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Ruby

[Guest user]

ahh Margaret

i suspect it is people who have never met/known anyone with any sort of cancer... some speak before they think and then later want to hide in a big hole maybe!! maybe we ought to be better at saying insensitive wally... but i just go ow in head and say nothign.

I refuse to feel sorry for me - i am getting fractious half way thru chemo - i want it over... i want to be able to plan things without having to check dates and hope my blood counts will be ok all the way thru and treatment not delayed.... GRRR!!!

jennifer

[Guest user]

So glad this thread is back - it is so funny and as I laugh at the comments and see a funny side to a very unfunny treatment I feel so much more 'real'.
Has anyone insight - what type of person says these things?
I could almost feel more sorry for them than i do for me!
Margaret

[Guest user]

apart from being fed up of 'don't you look well/lovely' when i know i have gained a spare tyre big enough for a truck and have no eyebrows.... the most recent was 'is it worth thinking about what to buy you for your birthday?'... um it's next month - may be she knows something i don't.

Jennifer

[Guest user]

I was told by my local support group "Breast cancer is the new sexy illness and arn't you lucky to have it so young" im 35 and no i dont feel sexy or lucky!!!!
Anna

[Guest user]

these threads are too funny! and so true.
i kept getting from my husbands side of the family, this was last year when i was going through chemo the first time round, 'the treatment is going so quick your nearly half way there!' and when i was diagnosed the second time 'the treatment will be over before you know it. 3 months have gone so quick!' for you maybe but for me it hasnt and are they going to say that all the time??? at every chemo/drug session i have????!

i had to end it and tell them to stop and they just all laughed it off. probably didnt know how to deal with it.

[Guest user]

I think the worst thing that has been said to me so far is "I am glad it is you that's got it, cos you are the one person I know that is strong enough to cope" THANKS!!!!!

[Guest user]

Hi all,

This thread is fantastic! Not many weeks after my surgery I was out visiting some friends, another friend who lives downstairs from them came up, we were at the fridge at the time, deciding which cheese we wanted to eat for lunch, friend who had come up from downstairs asked for a sniff, so I tossed the cheese (wrapped in greaseproof) across the kitchen to him; he caught it and then threw it, with some force, back to me, I didn't see it coming and yes, it hit me in the lumpectomy breast!! Ouch, I almost vomited, but kept it together as he bimbled off to see friends fella in another room. When I left later in the day, my mate told him what he'd done, he was blissfully unaware, poor lad, I was bombarded with texts and emails from him for the next few days apologising, all was made up and no problem, however.......

Some time later.....

It was my birthday in January, a big group of us had gathered in the pub and things were going wonderfully, I was suffering with serious sciatica at the time, pain and numbness in my leg. Well, cheesy chucker (not his real name!) sat down next to me and after chatting for a while for some reason, known only to himself, he decided to indulge in some 'horse play' with me, which ended with him grabbing my thigh and squeezing very hard!! The pain was mind boggling! I screamed, and then shouted "it's not enough to throw a huge lump of cheese at my breast right after surgery for cancer is it?! You now have to cripple me with pain in the leg with sciatica"!! What a drama queen I am!

Thank goodness my best mate was there, we made eye contact and fell about laughing, as did everyone else. CC was very embarassed, I doubt he'll ever even want to sit next to me again!

[Guest user]

Hi Everyone,

I had a bit of a humdinger said to me a few weeks ago, a friend was enquiring about the path results of my mastectomy and when I told her that 7 of the 10 lymph nodes I had taken were infected, she gasped in horror and said 'you only ever hear of the ones that survive breast cancer, you never hear of the ones that don't'!!! - how encouraging is that - lucky I'm positive isn't it?!!

Best wishes to you all,

Tracy x

[Guest user]

Hi girls,

I had a lovely telephone call from a fellow golfer, She said how sad, blah blah.. and then said how they couldn`t believe I had it because I`d always watched what I eat and now I was going to lose all this weight because her friend had lost 3 stones and then said how I`d always worried about my hair and now its all going to come out!!
She topped it by saying had I seen the new report in the paper about cancer being connected to wine..and said we know how much you enjoy your wine! (which I do..or did!)
Who needs friends!!
Love,
Janx

[Guest user]

Just bumping this up again as I think it is such a fab thread

[Guest user]

Hi Palomino

Hope your visit to mum goes ok. Like I am sure you do, I can think of many answers that should confound the God's good theory (including Bible quotes) but it sounds like this is your mum's safety net and she and God will not be moved.

Goodness I would be so upset to be asked that question.

I do hope that your visit goes better than you anticipate perhaps mum will come out tops.

Thinking of you

Margaret

[Guest user]

Will see my mother next week and if it gets to a 'God' conversation I'll just have to leave quickly to beat the traffic...

Another I anticipate is, "What did you do to get that?"

Sorry, will reserve posts for what she DOES say rather than what I think she may say!

[Guest user]

hi girls

Pinky Ann Cannot believe that Beryl could think such nonsense yet alone voice it.

Palomino Lyn Oh my goodness! You can never win this one can you?

I think these two mums should get together and hold court because I'm sure between them they could sort us all out and then we'd be good and God would be good and no-one would ever have breast cancer again!

take care
Margaret

[Guest user]

Excellent thread!

My favourite insensitive comment was from my mum. When I told her about my diagnosis, she firmly told me that it's my own fault for having more than one sexual partner! So that's what it is ladies. We brought it on ourselves. Beryl says so.

Oh, and a fellow chiropractic student forwarded me an email from an American chiro that declares that people who have regular chiropractic treatment don't get cancer and that mets never occur in the atlas bone. What utter horses**t! Will be emailing him to ask for the research to support that. Or maybe I should just ask mum, seeing as she s now an expert...

[Guest user]

Hi,
LOVE this thread!!! My most insensitive comment was from my sister- I was hospitalised with neutropenia after my first taxotere, felling totally crap (had already had 4 FEC). I hadnt eaten for 3 days, had a mouth full of ulcers,oral thrush, no hair,eyebrows or eyelashes and my skin had turned a sallow shade of yellow . I had also lost half a stone which I really couldnt afford to do as very thin anyway. My sister had phoned me and I was complaining to her how crap I felt, how I couldnt eat and had lost so much weight- and she said.....
wait for it.................

"oh, I'm so jealous- I love the bone look!!!!!!!!!!"

My mouth fell open and there was nothing else for me to do, but cut her off and phone my best friend for a rant and to slate my sister for about 3 hours solid

take care
Katyx

[Guest user]

hello ladies,

after a tearful day found this thread and have read through it all. It has been a tonic, I have laughed and laughed.

I decided to ring my daughter and tell her about it. Enthusiastically I shared the dumb things that stupid, insensitive people say, and then commented "and I am so pleased that so many people are frightened!!!!"

Well of course what I meant was that I thought I was the only person dx who was so fearful ,yet,.. considered brave and strong by all and sundry and that too know others felt the same was comforting.

I think the worse comment to me was in a letter from a friend, "well you have been through so much in your life you know how to cope with disaster".......honestly who needs enemies!!

take care
Magaret

[Guest user]

I'm newly dx and awaiting SLN and surgery, so almost nobody knows yet.

Have asked my sister not to tell my mother, who's 88, because I KNOW her words will be:

"God's good."

Sorry, but she and I are on different planets. The bible's supposed to make anyone feel better?

Lyn xx

[owls4eva]

Hi All

Spoke to work colleage to say that Mast has got the clear margins was told by one of them well at least you dont have to get up early in the morning for work. Sorry !!!!!! Get up early or have cancer ummmm now which one should I go for.

Hope you are all well

Karen

[Guest user]

there's nowt as queer as folk.. and certainly nowts queerer than family ....and that is sooo true..

a distant cousin heard I'd cancer and phoned.

I was telling her that I was blown away by the love and caring words that was coming from friends, family, work colleagues, even people who I didn't think hardly knew me - they had called or sent cards wishing me well...

;Oh...', she replied . 'I'm more cynical than you... don't you think they were just phoning coz they were curious? '

now I was so gobsmacked I wasn't quick enough to ask..'like you maybe....?'

needless to say she's not called back....

[Guest user]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I was talking to one friend on the phone about my bc concerns etc and she said - 'oh I wouldn't worry about it. Sure, they'll have a cure for it in the next couple of years n y'll be fine' - I had to catch my breath!

I've heard tons of other stupid comments like - you shouldn't live in the past - and - you're just letting yourself go. This was actually during chemo last year.

Then towards the end of last year my own SISTER took it upon herself to have a good drink and let all hell loose basically saying I'm a lazy good for nothing blah blah blah!

I couldn't believe it! I've worked all my life and yes, I've been on the sick since the mastectomy but that's because my job (I'm still employed) is in another country. I've always been quite self sufficient and I get the feeling that because I've been so vulnerable lately, some vile people pick up on that and take advantage. Its really just abusive, I'd say.

To hell with them!

xx.

[Guest user]

This was from a work colleague. I'm quite thin and when she saw me for the first time since diagnosis she asked "Where was it hiding?". She then remarked "You don't want to loose any more weight, you wanna hold on to that lump!" WTF?!! Her son's a trainee doctor and I hope he's more sensitive!