Hi Naz, I've never posted on here before, but have been reading the forums ever since diagnosis back in March 2011. Now, I occasionally check in and read posts by names I recognise from way back! Yours was one of those. I too do not seem to be able to move foreward as others seem to, and I feel very guilty that I'm not making the most of life that I should be, I am still here after all. But I think, after many many hours spent trying to work out what the hell is wrong with me, I have concluded that my complete loss of self confidence is preventing me from being the best that I can be, and leaves me terrified at the prospect of applying for jobs and living life to the full. Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post with a winge about me 🙂 I just wanted to say that you are not the only one, and thank you, because it was good for me to find that I'm not alone .... and just maybe I will apply for that job I've seen 🙂 x
Hi Seabreeze, good to hear from you on my thread.
Have had a better few days since I last posted (thankfully!) Goodness, what an odd couple of days they were earlier in the weeK ( I can NEVER work out where they come from!)
The job is nearly of an end and I am so happy to be moving on again. Being at home was good to begin with, but over the last year or so, it has become mucH harder. I can now see light at the end of tunnel and the road is straight now.
The clinicial psychologist idea is something which I have mulled over for a long time if I am honesT and was never really proactive in going to see anyone - thinking, 'tomorrow I will be better, It won't happen again' except it did and it has. What I don't understand, is if this is how things are going to be forever now, of whether once I start grabbing life once more, my mindset will change for the better ( the latter I hope!). I have realised that since BC, my zest for life has diminsished (or maybe I have just got caught up in work/family and housework, who knows!). Anyway, I plan to start a new chapter on APRIL 1ST (5 years from end of active treatment and the first day being free of current job) and see where it takes me (kind of exciting !)
I haven's spoken to my consultant about the tatoo - I want to have the last word here and take control. I have an appointment in April to see the tattoo team and to discuss all the finer details of whether it can be done how I would like.
I am sure those hours of forgetting you had BC will increase to days Seabreeze, it all take an inordinate amount of time doesn't it. I suppose I feel guilty for having these episodes so far down the line as I was sure by this time, BC would be firmly at the back of my mind (and I think it will be soon enough).
Definitely rambling now.. take care and have a good day xxx
Not having the greatest of days today. Feeling worried about lack of confidence and really hating new body all over again. How come I am the only one whe has failed to move on from this?? Don't get it 😞
i think you are right, we must all have developed some kind of inner strength on this jouney..
I know from reading your threads, that you experienced some issues with returning to work, so I hope things are getting better for you in that department now. My employer did not acknowledge my BC at all or the surgeries which I endured.. nothing, so I guess now that I am going, I feel kind of bitter towards them, but in honesty, they are not worthy of good employees! But you are right, in the right environment, I might do okay.
Its coming towards 5 years since the end of active treatment. Life is ticking and I am moving forwards again. But I do not feel ENTIRELY at peace and I don't know why. We are all going to die, I know that. I have lovely children and OH who is supportive generally. But I still find myself tossing and turning with it all at times ( like this week!). Getting angry with my scars and feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. I really should not be feeling this way at this point, I am sure of it. Perhaps the daily reminder in the bath is the trigger ( the mirror is not my best friend!). But I am planning on getting one of the scars tattooed over, to make something pretty out of somehing so ugly, so maybe that will help. It is that last bit of peace that I cannot seem to locate. Yes i am healthy and other bits of my body work fine, BUT the one bit of scarred flesh which gets to me at times.
Now I am rambling, have a good day all.. the sun is trying to come through in Cheshire 🙂
Hi Mel and thanks for your reply.
I had thought of TA work and am exploring that avenue along with a few other things, Think this is more about being at a crossroads and not really knowing which path to take, rather than the BC (which I am using as an excuse because I am in limbo right now!).
It sounds as though you are on the right track with the PCGE plan, but remember it is early days for you still, you need to recover physically and more importantly, emotionally.
Children are tiring, so definitely build up your hours slowly..
I have been working from home for the past 3.5 years and have 0 confidence ,but also a few body image issues post BC which somehow have managed to leak into other areas of my life! So, need to sort that out too!
Best of luck Mel. hope all goes well for you..
Thanks for your replies and kind words, much appreciated.
I kind of knew a few months ago that the funding would cease so the job with it, but hung on just in case.. bad move. I know everything happens for a reason and I do need a change, but just feeling a bit bleugghh about it all right now. Not sure what line of work I want to venture into next Nanny sal.. In my old life I was a teacher, then kids came along and then this home based job with the BC. I would like a job where I am meeting people, no stress, term time only, no work to do at home.. the list goes on 🙂 Had thought of doing some voluntary work to get me back into a work environment again, but OH is not so keen ( think Vol work is waste of time as we need money!) . I think its a great idea and have a few ideas to consider.
Anyway, thanks for being there.. have a good day xxx
All my hard work to move forwards from this stupid disease, has gone down the plug hole!
Have been made redundant from job and currently working my notice, This job has been linked with my BC journey, so it is a blessing really! Spent all morning yesterday looking for jobs/courses/training and couldn't find a thing to apply for. Became stressed and started thinking I was unemployable (probably am!). That escalated to my scars and by midnight I was in tears and hated everything.
Today I feel wretched from lack of sleep.. need to get my act together I know...