It's gone again

[clarenebula]

Thank you, and fingers crossed for you and voluntary work xxx

[NAZ]

Hi clarenebula

Well I am glad you posted, this is a common issue I believe, so no need to worry about hijacking my thread here 🙂 BC does have this habit of seeping into many aspects of our lives ( sometimes without us even realising!) and it can really knock our confidence. I am planning on doing some voluntary work just to try and rebuild my confidence levels again. I hope it will help! You are definitely not alone and I do hope you get to apply for that job you have seen and take some steps in moving forwards again. Take care and good luck xxxxx

[clarenebula]

Hi Naz, I've never posted on here before, but have been reading the forums ever since diagnosis back in March 2011. Now, I occasionally check in and read posts by names I recognise from way back! Yours was one of those. I too do not seem to be able to move foreward as others seem to, and I feel very guilty that I'm not making the most of life that I should be, I am still here after all. But I think, after many many hours spent trying to work out what the hell is wrong with me, I have concluded that my complete loss of self confidence is preventing me from being the best that I can be, and leaves me terrified at the prospect of applying for jobs and living life to the full. Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post with a winge about me 🙂 I just wanted to say that you are not the only one, and thank you, because it was good for me to find that I'm not alone .... and just maybe I will apply for that job I've seen 🙂  x

[NAZ]

Hi Seabreeze, good to hear from you on my thread.

Have had a better few days since I last posted (thankfully!) Goodness, what an odd couple of days they were earlier in the weeK ( I can NEVER work out where they come from!)

The job is nearly of an end and I am so happy to be moving on again. Being at home was good to begin with, but over the last year or so, it  has become mucH harder. I can now see light at the end of tunnel and the road is straight now.

The clinicial psychologist idea is something which I have mulled over for a long time if I am honesT and was never really proactive in going to see anyone -  thinking, 'tomorrow I will be better, It won't happen again' except it did and it has. What I don't understand, is if this is how things are going to be forever now, of whether once I start grabbing life once more, my mindset will change for the better ( the latter I hope!). I have realised that since BC, my zest for life has diminsished (or maybe I have just got caught up in work/family and housework, who knows!). Anyway, I plan to start a new chapter on APRIL 1ST (5 years from end of active treatment and the first day being free of current job) and see where it takes me (kind of exciting !)

I haven's spoken  to my consultant about the tatoo - I want to have the last word here and take control. I have an appointment in April to see the tattoo team and to discuss all the finer details of whether it can be done how I would like.

I am sure those hours of forgetting you had BC will increase to days Seabreeze, it all take an inordinate amount of time doesn't it. I suppose I feel guilty for having these episodes so far down the line as I was sure by this time, BC would be firmly at the back of my mind (and I think it will be soon enough).

Definitely rambling now.. take care and have a good day xxx

NAZ XXX

[Seabreeze]

Naz,
I know I'm only a few months post radio but from what I've read on the forum you are not alone in feeling it hard to move on, so don't add pressure on yourself by thinking that you should be feeling that way.

From what you say about how your current employer was when you were having op and active treatments it sounds like there is a fair chance any future employer may well be a lot more considerate. If you rate your employer on a scale of 1 to 10 for various factors it may help you see what areas a new employer may be better on?

Have you tried or thought about seeing a clinical psychotherapist to talk about how you feel? I did for a while since tamoxifen and oestrogen positive combined with age basically scuppers any chance of a child by the usual route...with increased risk re survival if no tamo and given the additional hormones. I found it really helped, albeit I still wish I could magic up some nieces or nephews from somewhere! Will just have to rely on and work on being popular aunty to friends children! Some more energy would help!

Have you checked with your consultant/GP re idea of tattoo on scar? Plus have you spoken to someone who has a tat? While I didn't have a mx I'm very lopsided since surgery so tend to try to only look in a mirror when I have a bra on. Thankfully no mirror I the bathroom bar one for the face!

Had a rare, quite possibly my first hour of totally forgetting I had/have bc this morning - was good to feel it even if only briefly!

Hope you spot a few jobs you are interested in - a new job could be just the thing to help with your confidence? You've posted quite a few helpful posts on this website....all that counts in terms or who you are and moving on.

Seabreeze x

[NAZ]

Not  having the greatest of days today. Feeling worried about lack of confidence and really hating new body all over again. How come I am the  only one whe has failed to move on from this?? Don't get it 😞

[NAZ]

Thanks Seabreeze..

i think you are right, we must all have developed some kind of inner strength on this jouney..

I know from reading your threads, that you experienced some issues with returning to work, so I hope things are getting better for you in that department now. My employer did not acknowledge my BC at all or the surgeries which I endured.. nothing, so I guess now that I am going, I feel kind of bitter towards them, but in honesty, they are not worthy of good employees! But you are right, in the right environment, I might do okay.

Its coming towards 5 years since the end of active treatment. Life is ticking and I am moving forwards again. But I do not feel ENTIRELY at peace and I don't know why. We are all going to die, I know that. I have lovely children and  OH who is supportive generally. But I still find myself tossing and turning with it all at times ( like this week!). Getting angry with my scars and feeling sad and a bit vulnerable. I really should not be feeling this way at this point, I am sure of it. Perhaps the daily reminder in the bath is the trigger ( the mirror is not my best friend!). But I am planning on getting one of the scars tattooed over, to make something pretty out of somehing so ugly, so maybe that will help. It is that last bit of peace that I cannot seem to locate. Yes i am healthy and other bits of my body work fine, BUT the one bit of scarred flesh which gets to me at times.

Now I am rambling, have a good day all.. the sun is trying to come through in Cheshire 🙂

[Seabreeze]

Hi Naz,
Just a thought - could you get any private extra tuition type work for children? Teaching is not my area and guessing its probably more related to secondary and GCSE's etc? Even if as a temporary top up /filler?

By getting through our journeys we have probably all gained some kind of inner strength, even if we don't feel like we have. I'm sure just by looking at new jobs it'll help you think of things you both would and wouldn't want to do....both useful....having said all that I do sympathise, I have mixed feeling regarding my employer given how a few things were handled just before my return and then by 2 individuals on one occasion soon after return. But loads of people have been really good, making nice witticisms and the like.

Sometimes I still think how great it'd be to ditch the job and have a flower shop...friends remind me how early you need to get up to select the flowers from suppliers - rarely up with the larks in the morning (more likely pre bc at night!) so maybe not!

Re confidence - you may surprise yourself and feel more confident if you were back in an office (or similar) some of the time. I can only imagine working at home post bc, can see the pro's and the con's. Reckon a mix is probably best.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling - thinking of you and your search.

Seabreeze x

[NAZ]

Hi Mel and thanks for your reply.

I had thought of TA work and am exploring that avenue along with a few other things, Think this is more about being at a crossroads and not really knowing which path to take, rather than the BC (which I am using as an excuse because I am in limbo right now!).

It sounds as though you are on the right track with the PCGE plan, but remember it is early days for you still, you need to recover physically and more importantly, emotionally.

Children are tiring, so definitely build up your hours slowly..

I have been working from home for the past 3.5 years and have 0 confidence ,but also a few body image issues post BC which somehow have managed to leak into other areas of my life! So, need to sort that out too!

Best of luck Mel. hope all goes well for you..

Naz xx

[Mel66]

Hi Naz
Reading your post kind of sums up where my head's been since I finished treatment.

In a previous life I was a Teaching Assistant for statemented children, then funding dried up in schools considerably and the council run agency that I was working through was closed down. As a single parent with mortgage and home to run, I decided to buy a business and try to have more job security.

After diagnosis, I had no other option but to hire a manager to run the business while I went through treatment. She's doing a great job but I know that I'm not going to be physically strong enough for a very long time (if ever) to go back to doing what I was doing. Meanwhile I'm surviving on ESA and watching my savings depleting by the week.

I completed an OU degree three years ago and it had been my intention on starting it to follow that with a PGCE. I've just applied through UCAS for a PGCE course starting in September and am currently working on a voluntary basis in a primary school just two afternoons a week with the option of building more hours as and when I feel up to it. (To be honest, I'm finding it exhausting just trying to maintain my focus for just a few hours in the afternoon at the moment... finished chemo in December and currently experiencing all the joys of tamoxifen in their full glory)

Reading your last post, it would sound like the ideal job you are describing sounds something like either a teaching assistant or school admin work? As a qualified teacher you'd be ideally placed. xx

[NAZ]

Thanks for your replies and kind words, much appreciated.

I kind of knew a few months ago that the funding would cease so the job with it, but hung on just in case.. bad move. I know everything happens for a reason and I do need a change, but just feeling a bit bleugghh about it all right now. Not sure what line of work I want to venture into next Nanny sal.. In my old life I was a teacher, then kids came along and then this home based job with the BC. I would like a job where I am meeting people, no stress, term time only, no work to do at home.. the list goes on  🙂 Had thought of doing some voluntary work to get me back into a  work environment again, but OH is not so keen ( think Vol work is waste of time as we need money!) . I think its a great idea and have a few ideas to consider.

Anyway, thanks for being there.. have a good day xxx

[Nanny_Sal]

NAZ you offered me very wise words just the other day! This is just a hiccup and although I don't know you. You sound to me like someone that will bounce back from this. You are entitled to feel pi$$ed off about this. But I'm sure by tomorrow you will be looking at the positives. A fresh new start 😃 Everything apparantly happens for a reason, maybe your ideal job is just waiting for you to apply! What sort of work do you do?

Sending you a ((((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))))) be kind to yourself. Xxxx

[Weeannie1]

Oh Naz!! Feeling so bad for you. There's nothing more soul destroying than experiencing knock back after knock back. Sending you a BIG virtual hug and hope you feel better soon. Ann x x x 😢 x x x

[NAZ]

All my hard work to move forwards from this stupid disease, has gone down the plug hole!

Have been made redundant from job and currently working my notice, This job has been linked with my BC journey, so it is a blessing really!  Spent all morning yesterday looking for jobs/courses/training and couldn't find a thing to apply for. Became stressed and started thinking I was unemployable (probably am!). That escalated to my scars and by midnight I was in tears and hated everything.

Today I feel wretched from lack of sleep.. need to get my act together I know...

Naz