Its my birthday tomorrrow I’m 58. Its a birthday I didn’t think I’d make. I’ve had a wonderful day at my daughters home, all my family there. She hired a hot tub so I was sipping champahgne in it whilst it snowed. I should be really happy because my children my 3 daughters and son have been absolutely marvelous these past 2 years organising some smashing things, we’re all going only a family trip just me , my husband andour 4 kids, no husbands or grandchildren, Its been so many years since we did this I hope we don’t murder each other. Apart from my husbands man flu which is driving me mad I don’t know why I’m feeling so dreadful. I start a trial on Wenesday which it I get the actual drug should make me feel grateful but its filling me with dread. Maybe because it 5 in the morning and I’v been awake for hours. Never mind I must try and stay positive which I usually can. take care all,
Many Happy Returns of the Day Lanii …it is so awful when we have funny thoughts in the middle of the night so I hope by the time you read this that you are feeling a bit more like yourself . I hope you have had some friends to visit today and share time together . What a great family to arrange the Hot Tub for you with Champers as well. Our families want us to be happy and it disappoints them when we are sad, but we are all going to have days when it just all seems too much. We get fed up of pretending we are fine. Just take it easy today and try and enjoythe rest of your Birthday ! LOve Tracy xxx
Hi Lanii…it was my birthday yesterday…54! I had agood day. Meal out with husband and son and his girlfriend. (Other son away at uni). A new bike to attempt to improve my fitness and other nice bits and pieces…but it doesn’t stop the thoughts…is it my last birthday?..will i be as good next year? etc etc. And things are always worse in the middle of the night. Have a great day! Pamx
Happy Birthday Lanii - hope you have many more
Karen x
Hi lanii,
congratulations on your birthday!
I hope that it has been a help to you to be able to share your feelings with others here in the early hours of today. I understand what you were feeling - the thoughts of wanting to celebrate but at the same time being anxious about other things… I recognize those feelings in me on special days like birthdays and Christmas. Thank you for sharing yours.
I hope you have been able to enjoy your day, with the distraction of your family around you. The family trip sounds an excellent idea!
wishing you the very best for trial starting on Wednesday.
christine
Happy birthday lanii, I hope you are feeling a bit better,the early hours of the morning seem to be the time for our saddest thoughts.I tried to make Christmas really special this year because i had found out a few days before Christmas that I had progression,and I did not tell any of my family.My first grandchild arrived last Thursday and I was so proud and excited,but I was also so sad as I don’t know how much of his growing up I will be around for.Like you I start a new drug this week and am trying to be positive, I have really tried to convince myself it will halt the progression and give me more time with the ones I love.
The trip sounds a wonderful idea and I hope you all have a wonderful time.
L xx
Hi everyone thank you for your kind wishes. Like you lucinda not knowing how long you will have with your grandchildren is so hard. Had a lovely day went to see Lesmis. it was brilliant but oh boy you need your tissues. Haha maybe I should have chosen a happier film. My treatment has been delayed as echogram shows my heart function is too low so having a muga scan tomorrow, hopefully it will show a better result and i may still be able to have treatment. So thats another birthday over lets hope we’re all around to celebrate a few more. take carex
Hi Lanii
And a belated Happy Birthday to you. I hope you, and we, all have many more to celebrate. I do empathise with all the comments above, it is so difficult not to think ‘is this the last one?’ when we have a special celebration or day. I am going to my youngest daughter’s graduation ceremony tomorrow and I truly thought I’d never be here when I was dx with bone mets nearly 5 years ago, before she’d even got through her A Levels. I think I may need as many tissues as Les Mis 
Nicky x
Hi Lanii. Happy late birthday to you. I was 50 on Saturday 12th. Was not looking forward to it, but thanks to my wonderful partner friends and family I had a great weekend. Got chemo no5 tomorrow, then surgery then rads to come. Looking forward to summer when this should all be over.
Hope your MUGA scan is good. My level is only 45 but they are still giving me herceptin.
x Sue
Hi catzoo. Happy belatedbirthday wishes glad you had a lovely weekend its brilliant what your family and friends come up with. I was joking with mine today that I’m costing them a fortune they’ll be wanting to bump me off if I last for the next ten years! My muga wasn’t good it showed myheart function was a lot less than the ecg showed so I can’t be part of trial but am going to have capecitabine and lapatinib as well as heart inhibiters. I think it was meant to be as i was always a bit unsure of trial, at least I’m consoling myself with that. I wish you well with all your treatments let me know how you go. take care everyone x