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Looking like both breasts now

22 REPLIES 22
Jaine
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Glad to hear you are getting some answers, and some understanding. 

 

HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

I've managed to sort out my registration! Yippee - so my thread will not suddenly disappear!

Had my ultrasound today - very interesting. The doctor explained to me that the mri had shown two different readings for each breast, which can be normal for women of my age, but they wanted to check it out.

She explained that my cancer is very rare and she hadn't seen a case like this in her 10 years of doing her job. This is because it's in the skin. So quite frankly, they don't know what they are dealing with now. It hasn't spread (phew) and I didn't need a biopsy (phew), but my treatment plan will not be as quick as one would like until they know what they are dealing with?????

So I feel relief and fear all at the same time!

She was great though - she asked me whether I had been given any info on who I can contact to get support and I told her that actually, I felt like I had just been left. Once I had got my diagnosis, I've had a few phone calls from the nurse, but whenever I try to get hold of her (in my hour of need - within working hours, I add) she is nowhere to be found! Apart from this website, I've had nothing!

So she gave me a list of local centres, which have all sorts of services, such as counselling etc. She was so understanding - she actually understood my fear. She didn't treat me like a number.

What a different experience!

I do feel more positive now, but I still don't know what they have planned for me, so it's still the unknown........
HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Yep, those tears come from nowhere, in fact the only way to stop them is to be in a state of disbelief. I really cannot believe this is happening. : (

I know what you mean about the typos, they completely go my occupation wrong in the letter to the GP! I guess I will just have to see what's said tomorrow at my 4th ultrasound scan (why can't they just scan everywhere when they have you there the first time?).

It's been a long old week since the nurse told me that my follow up appointment with the consultant was cancelled and I had to have another ultrasound scan. At least it's tomorrow. Please no biopsy, please no biopsy!

H x
minig
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi HFK, I just wanted to say don't worry if the letter says left breast & your lump is in your right. My consultants letter to my GP said the wrong breast in the subject line but the right one in the detail & my consultant says these typos happen all the time! Please don't assume that it means there is a problem with the other breast too. I'm similar to you, 42 with 2 small boys & the diagnosis & waiting is definitely the worst bit. Once you have your treatment plan it gets much easier. I can recommend the Mummy's Lump book too- I read it to my 7 yr old & he has taken it all in his stride. My 2 yr old is a bit young for it I think. Good luck with everything! It does get easier I promise. xxx
marion3
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

It's hard putting the glass down, there will be times when you can't! Found myself cooking dinner earlier and crying, it's hard. X
HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Wow, Marion3, that's powerful! Thank you for sharing that with me.

I will try and put that glass down!

H x
marion3
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now


Hi HFK1234

I know exactly how you feel my mind has taken me to some dark places, but i have had to pull myself back I know it's not easy but the only way to get through this is to day each day as it comes, try to stop thinking any further on. I have struggling sleeping too, I got some calm/sleepy music on my phone so put ear plugs in and it helps me, maybe try that. Also below is something I am trying to hold onto - putting the glass down. As the last few weeks I have felt paralysed with fear. We will all be ok xx

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?”

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed—incapable of doing anything.”

Remember to put the glass down.
HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi
Another sleepless night! I must stop trying to sleep without the sleeping tabs. Am I ever going to sleep properly again??

I think once I've got my surgery booked will be the good time to tell the kids. I like how you explained it to your grandaughter, Jacqui, it is after all just an operation! Good luck on Tuesday, I hope for you that you will be clear.

I think what I am starting to realise is that there is no certainty with this, ever! It's a constant waiting game. Which is what scares me, as if I have both breast off, then it's still not the end.

My friend that went through it last year said that it's good that it's all been found, as there are some women that are walking around completely unaware they have it, so I'm one of the lucky ones. So I'm trying to train my brain into that way of thinking.

What's going through my thoughts now though is the guilt for even having my kids - the angst I'm about to put them though, the possibility that they could face something similar etc etc. I guess this is another one of those thoughts that are normal, but I have to shake off.

My mind is fit to burst, I think some counselling may be needed so that I can just get everything off my chest (pardon the pun!). Like the songs that keep going through my head when I'm trying to sleep - Monty Pythons "Always Look on the bright side of life" - then Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry", then another Bob Marley one "Get up Stand Up" - they all seem so poignant now and they keep going round in my head!

Sorry - I am rambling, which is typical of me when I haven't slept.

Perhaps I should start a blog? Perhaps I would find that therapeutic, even if it's not published.

Anyway, hopefully I can sort out my sign in details and match the correct email address etc so that I don't lose this thread.

Thanks for all your replies again, and thank you to this website for giving us all an outlet and somewhere to go for support.

H x
ashbymeadow
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi.

What a roller coaster ride you have had too.

I do hope your head is a bit clearer now.However it seems we are all in shock for a while till we start the process of treatment .

I have a 7 yrs old grandaughter and we are sooo close.Just told her i needed an operation ..like daddy had....His was appendix.She quite happy withthat explanation.

I get my operation results Tuesday so feeling anxious now.?more surgery ..hope not...plans for radiotherapy ...hope not chaemo..All uncertainty upsets us all

Keep positive and you will soon be on the road again

Jacqui

 

HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Just to let you all know, I've messed up a bit with my email addresses and registration etc - so if I suddenly disappear along with these posts, that's why. The moderator is helping, but because I've used two different names and emails addresses, it's all got a bit confused! I'll start another thread if that happens. H x
HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Exactly Freda61, I am sure that it's bigger! I guess it must be internal bruising, it may not be so apparent on the outside perhaps.

With regards to the waiting and remaining positive - how can the two work together? How can I possibly be positive, when each time I have tests, I get a new blow? x
4littlecherubs
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

I told my 5 and 8 year old I had a nasty lump but told my 11 year old I had cancer.....she was devastated but once I explained everything to her she was fine!
I didnt want to tell her it was just a lump as she understood more and I didnt want someone else to tell her it was cancer....as soon as I mentioned the word cancer to her she thought I was going to die so im really glad I did tell her and was able to explain properly.
As I said earlier I had a mastectomy and my 5 year old keeps asking when my booby will grow back!! Bless him!
xx
Freda61
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi, regarding being more aware of your lump, I am sure mine put on a growth spurt after being messed about with.  It was also uncomfortable for the whole 6 weeks from biopsy to surgery. - So I think you are normal!

 

The waiting is so difficult, and even more difficult for you now they have raised more questions. good luck. X

HFK1234
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi again

 

I totally agree with you, it's better to be honest.  I think I want to know my "plan" before telling them.  Only so that they have a shorter amount of time to worry about it.  If it's keeping me awake at night, I don't want to do the same to them.  

 

I really don't remember the last time that I felt such a deep fear, I don't think I ever have.  Having to work and carry on as normal is so difficult, but at the same time it's what is keeping me sane.

 

I'm still in denial/shock about it all.  It's such a surreal feeling.  I'm just not ready to go yet!

 

Thanks for the link to the tubular cancer, Lucy, it very helpful and reassuring.  But I can't get rid of the nagging doubt that perhaps they've under diagnosed.  I guess that's normal??  

 

This forum is really helpful (and needed), although I'm not sure I'm happy that there are so many of us! Why why why???  

 

H x

 

Lucy_BCC
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi HFK

I thought you may find the following link to the BCC tubular breast cancer information helpful:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/breast-cancer-information/about-breast-cancer/primary-breast-canc...

Take care
Lucy BCC

Jonamo
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi HFK, sorry to find you here. I am a bit further down the line, diagnosed in September, SLNB in October, mastectomy and ANC four weeks ago and about to start chemo next week. I am 43 with 2 young boys 9 and 7. I have still to find out my exact staging as the pathology results from the op showed 5 lymph nodes with cancer, so they had to scan to check for further spread. It is an ongoing investigation, which is hard to deal with. My results come next Tuesday. It is an emotional roller coaster. I felt relief once I told my boys. I did use the word cancer because I needed them to know from me and not from someone else by overhearing a conversation. My 7 year old was ok, he is still too young to fully understand, my 9 year old struggled. But I believe honesty is best for my children, but only you can know what is right for you and your family. My eldest was most concerned about the operation and since he has been a lot happier as he believes all the cancer is gone. I have not gone into details about the fact it may have spread, as I don't know the full answer yet and I am not sure I will. They both know I start chemo next week to make sure the cancer does not return. for your 7 year old there is a story book called 'Mummy's lump' which you can get from this site or your BCN, which you might find useful.
Good luck with everything. You are not alone.
A x
hfk123
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi all
I just did a rather wordy reply using the "reply to this thread" button - does it need to go through the moderator before it goes live? Anyway, I'll use quick reply for now and see what happens.
Thanks Penny - I had read before that MRIs can exaggerate things, so I will know more when I have the ultrasound.
What I'm dreading is to have another biopsy - I would rather they just took off the breast - is that weird???
Anyway, I'm going to see if my replies come through before writing anything else.

H x
hfk123
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi ladies, thanks for your replies so far.  I hope I'm replying in the right way on the forum - I guess I'll find out when I hit the post button!

 

Yes, I had a biopsy initially, which I was really reluctant to do.  As far as I was concerned, it was just a cyst (I have one on my jaw which turned out to be benign, so kind of felt I'd been there before).  It was like have a staple gun put into my breast, the sound of it was the worst of it really.  I was sore after, but it didn't bruise as much as he said it might.  Although, as you pointed out, 4littlecherubs, that's probably why it's starting to hurt!

 

I went back to get my results on my own!  I felt so sure and so cocky that I would be ok, it didn't even occur to me to take someone.  It seemed ridiculous that my husband should also take time off work for something that will be nothing!  I have just started a new job too, so really felt as if I was getting my life back on track.

The consultant then told me the results - non-invasive tubular carcinoma.  He said it was a good cancer, so I jokingly said "I can handle a good cancer"!  He then got me to strip down again and started talking about cup sizes, he guessed my A cup and that he would need 200g of fat - I sat there thinking how amazing that he knew the weight of my boob!

 

I was having a kind of "out of body experience" after all of that really.  I could only shake or nod my head in response to what he was saying.

 

The shock hit me at 4am the following morning - I woke up and this little voice said "I have cancer" - that was it, I freaked out completely, especially when I thought of the kids.  I never wanted to take my son to breakfast club again - I just kept seeing his little face.  I kept saying over and over "his little face, his little face". 

 

I sat in a daze the next day.  My husband took the day off and thought that we should go shopping.  It was my middle son's birthday coming up so I had to get him a present.  It did perk me up and I decided to go back to work on the Friday.

 

The funny thing is that I've gone from feeling really happy and grateful for being alive, my kids couldn't irritate me - how long did I have left with them?  How could I possibly be annoyed with them? To being a moody old cow again!  How has that happened.

 

I also feel it's because I dared to say that I was happy out loud!  Who does that?  Surely I should have carried on moaning about my woes, I should have known better!  : )

 

I'm dreading telling my mum.  She's an alcoholic and has done so well lately, this could knock her back, she won't cope with it - I'm all she has really.  : (

 

I have no idea how my boys will take it.  My eldest (16) has aspergers - so he may even ask for a tenner after I've told him (sorry, I am making light of it all - I have to!) .  My middle one (14) is a soppy sausage and will not take it well at all.  My youngest is 7, so I really have no idea how he will take it. 

Do you think I should use the C word to the kids or just say lump?  A friend of mine who has just recovered thinks I should say lump.

Penny47
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

hi HFK- I hope your results are negative.  I've had MRI scnas- before and after neoadjuvent chemo.  Your specialist may tell you that while MRI scans are brilliant, they can exaggerate what they find.  I had MRI when we found the hormone therapy wasn't working very well and the mammograms weren't showing my cancer very clearly.  We got a great picture of my cancer in the left breast, where we knew it was, but we also found an 8 mm something in my right breast.  I prepared myself for this whole dx thing all over again but in the end the radiologists had another look and decided it was not cancer.  Fast forward 6 months and 6 cycles of chemotherapy; I had MRI number two and not only had the left breast tumour shrunk (a bit, but apparently not as much as we had hoped for), but the right side thingie had disappeared totally

 

When I had the pathology results after the op on the left breast we found that the tumour had shrunk from 70mm down to lots of bits no larger than 6mm and the rest of the "tumour" showing on the MRI was actually early cancer.  (Chemo is a marvellous thing!) Every cancer is different, but this maybe goes to show that MRI can be a rather crude picture of what is actually there. Good luck!

 

marion3
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi HDK1234
I am sorry you have found yourself here also. But it is really helpful to know you are not the only one going through this.
I am a little bit further along but know exactly how you are feeling now, but it will get better one you have your treatment plan. I am 44 with 3 children 1 girl and two boys. It's hard telling your family but once I did I was relieved. Take care x
4littlecherubs
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi,

Im sorry you have found yourself here on the emotional rollercoaster of cancer!

This is the worst time for you, the waiting and not knowing and it will get better I promise!

First of all I would try to ring your breast care nurse again so you can find out for sure whats happening otherwise you will make yourself ill worrying and in your mind things will be a lot worse than what they might be. Also you didnt say if you have had a biopsy on your lump....im presuming you have and if so there will be swelling in the area that could make you feel more aware of it.

Im 44 with 3 boys and 1 girl, im a little further on as ive had my mastectomy and recieved all my results and now on my treatment plan.....once you start getting results etc you feel so much better and more in control!

Im sure there will be more lovely ladies along soon to give you some more advice and support and there is also the helpline 🙂 my breast care nurse was a godsend I rang her constantly in the early days and found she always reassured me, hope you manage to get some answers.

Take care and ((((hugs)))) xx

Lucy_BCC
Member

Re: Looking like both breasts now

Hi HFK1234
Welcome to the BCC forums where you will soon have lots of support and shared experiences from your fellow users here, you can also find practical and emotional support from our helpliners who are on hand weekdays 9-5 and Sat 10-2 on 0808 800 6000

The following link will take you to further information and support ideas from BCC which I hope you will find helpful:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/category/cancer-journey/just-diagnosed-primary-breast-cancer

Take care
Lucy BCC

HFK1234
Member

Looking like both breasts now

Hi

I was diagnosed on 13th Nov and have been trying to get my head around everything since then.  I went through the shock, which was very similar to when my Dad died, 20 years ago.  I had the Thursday off, but returned to work on the Friday, I really didIn't know what else to do.

 

I've told some friends, told my aunt, all have cried when I told them - it feels like I'm talking about someone else when I tell them.  Still haven't told the kids or my mum.

 

I was all set to see the oncologist on Wednesday this week, but the appointment was cancelled as something showed up on the MRI that they want to look into.  But stupidly, when I got the call on my mobile, on my way home from work, walking down a busy street, with lots of traffic going by so could hardly hear what was being said by the nurse with a really strong accent, I failed to ask what they had found and where.  All I remember is her saying that I would need another ultrasound and possibly another biopsy.

 

To cut a long story short, after trying to call the nurse (but she was not there and no one else could help) two days later, I have received a letter with an appointment, for ultrasound on the Lt (which I assume is the left breast - my cancer has been diagnosed on the right).

 

So it's looking as if I've got it in both breasts - or am I jumping the gun?

 

I am so scared of the power of my thoughts at the moment as the other day I was thinking that I would rather have a double mascectomy so that the breasts match - now it looks as if I will be getting what I wished for!

 

I'm unable to sleep without sleeping pills at the moment, I tried to stop but was awake at 4am the other day and had to work the next day, so decided that perhaps that wasn't a good idea.

 

I am really aware of the lump in my right breast now, I can feel it - is this normal?

 

I have a good friend who went through this last year, and I'm getting all my strength from her.

 

Forgot to say, I'm 43 with 3 boys. 

 

I've had a few glasses of wine (can't do any harm now surely!).  

 

I could write pages wreit now - but I will stop there, you all know how I feel so I don't need to go on and on.