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Losing my mind

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi,

Sorry for butting in but thought you might be interested in this article from the Mail.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2061793/Chemotherapy-cause-brain-damage-breast-cancer-pati...

Best wishes,

Sally

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Re: Losing my mind

hi squizzly i am thinking about getting advice but im sure they will have covered every thing that place has a great knack of covering there own backsides but it dont hurt to try and get some help the job i do is very pysical and they said after 6 wks i need to be able to do my original job which im really not up to yet how did you get on with your manager? hope it went well i no how you feel about our bodies i just want to feel like i use to im sure it will come im just impatient

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Re: Losing my mind

Under the equalities act they cannot sack you I think you should really talk to ACAS and the Equalities Commission, you may have ground for unfair dismissal and discrimination. If they havent followed their own policies and offered reasonable adjustment to your work place or dynamics of working they have really fallen foul of the rules. Be strong, shoulders back, stand tall and keep kicking hun xxxx D-Day for me tomorrow, I ahve spoken with my manager today and had to debase myself AGAIN, I dont know what the outcome will be, but I feel as though I shan't bother having a good job ever again because my stupid body is stupid........

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Re: Losing my mind

hi squizzy so sorry to hear about your sittuation i finished my treatment in july 11 and in some ways feel as bad as when i was having chemo im not on no medication as i had tnbc but stil feel very vague and cant concentrate for to long i tend to repeat my self alot and im also forgetfull just started driving again after having a yr out which is also difficult i can also relate to your employer mine are awful i was half way through chemo and they come round to do a back to work interview and said oh thought every thing will have ended by march if they had bothered to ring me they would have known 3x chemo left anther op to go and 18xrads so they worked out date and said done july have august to recover come back sept mean while they were gonna get occ health to ring me[not the most helpful nurse from occ health made to feel i was milking a bad flu episode] in the mean time was addmitted to hospital bad virel and phnemonia soz cant spell would blame chemo but couldnt spell b4 lol i to am feeling low family member been really poorly its been touch n go but then to top every thing off had another back to work interview last wk and was told i got to go back jan or they gonna sack me on medical grounds i was so tempted to say shove your job i really not up to do the job i was doing b4 as still very warn out so i will be unemployed but do i really want to work 4 a company like them im sure ill get a better job once i back to my old self sure it will happen one day!!! wishing every one who going through a rough time love n hugs xxxx

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi Squizzly

I think there are lots of us who can relate to the poor memory and loss of concentration. I think it's probably tamoxifen causing it in my case. I used to work in research and can't go back to that because I can't hold on to information anymore so I do understand your frustration and that of others on here.

What I wanted to say though is please don't see it as humiliation. You have had a serious illness with serious treatment and you are now having problems as a result.

Employers should be following correct procedures whether you'd been ill or not. I think it shows terribly weak management not to try to support a staff member and they should openly discuss issues with you and try to sort out a plan of action to help.

Over the years, I'm afraid I've seen it happen only too often when they gone straight to the route of trying to sack someone or get them to leave. It's absolutely appalling but it's always been because they don't have the skills themselves to work through things. They are completely failing in their role as managers when they do that.

I hope things go well for you this week. Take care, Elinda x

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi Squizzly,

I think it is true that we put on a brave face whilst crumbling inside.
It's very difficult with friends and family never mind the workplace. Don't feel humiliated you have come through a series of treatment that does change you! Your mind has been working overtime with all the changes, no wonder it's hard to remember things. It will take time. Go in and tell them everything sending you lots of positivity and hugs xx

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Re: Losing my mind

Interesting you should say that tomorrow I have no choice but to totally humiliate myself and explain to people what is wrong with me....I've written it to make sure I font forget anything. ..... I'm so tired x

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Re: Losing my mind

Yes, it's bad enough not remembering whatsomeone else was saying but it is somehow worse when you can't remember your own thread!
However it is getting better for me in the last 2 to 3 months, 9 to 10 months after chemo, so take heart. Easier said than done when you are worried about your job.
Squizzly, is there anyone at work with whom you can discuss this on the grounds that you should improve?

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi Squizzly,

One of the worst is being in mid flow conversation, then total blank, absolutely no idea what I was talking about!!! I am forever apologising for doing this, it's ok with family etc but highly embarrassing in shops and when out and about. Just saying you are definitely not on your own with this!! It is very difficult when in the workplace you really think they would be more understanding, you have endured enough without the worry of work issues. It's actually pretty cruel. Take care and lots of hugs xx

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Re: Losing my mind

Thank you all so very much for your heartfelt concern. I wish I'd had the guts to come on this site ages ago but it was like admitting there is something wrong I have had cancer. I tell people that a year ago my life fell apart but its like I'm listening to myself not actually saying it. I don't want to burden people I don't want them to be bored of me. I was such a happy funny person but now I don't know x love to all, thank u x

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi ladies - just sending some big hugs from me and another one who understands. It's a year this week since my diagnosis and all I want to do is cry all the time. I've been so lucky and my treatment is over (although I still have some reconstruction to go through) but just as I should be putting it all behind me I feel like I'm falling apart. I just cannot seem to move forward.

I'm not taking tamoxifen so fortunately do seem to remember things, but can totAlly identify with the lack of confidence and not being the same person. We have faced up such a big scary thing that maybe coming out the other side a different person isn't a surprise. For me, anything that was a minor worry before has now been exaggerated into major anxieties - for example I find driving and crowded places very difficult .

I also recommend the cancer survivors book (I ordered mine from the library so try there) as it appears to have been written all about me. Where I live, new cancer patients are referred to a clinical physiologist. At the time I didn't feel I needed the help, but have now gone back to see them and this is really helping too as I have a plan and exercises to structure things in the short term.

You're not alone and you're not going mad - best of luck!

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi All
I am 6 1/2 years post DX my memory is terrible. Before BC I was a psychologist, since I have worked as a cleaner and at the moment am in such a low I can't even do that. I have depression and anorexia and at the moment it is bad. I see a psych nurse for therapy every week. Yesterday I felt so bad I phoned her she suggested going into hospital, which I do not want to do, as I have a husband and a lot of animals at home that need me, so she is going to see me twice a week to give me more support. All I want is the old me back full of confidence and happy. How everything scares me and I just want to be at home in my 'safe little world'
love Louise

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi Squizzly (just had to double check your name because I had forgotten it by the time I came to start writing - I can absolutely relate to all that you have written.
I started a post last week based on me bursting into tears (yet again) whilst at work because I feel so useless, lack of confidence, imcompent, etc, etc, that shows no sign of returning after 7 years of treatment.
The messages I recieved on there from others on this amazing site were fantastic. they made me remember that this seems to be fairly common to most of us who have endured the journey of a cancer diagnosis and treatment. This site is the only place i feel that I can pour out my feelings because I know that I am going to be listened to compassionately with amazingly wonderful people who are in the same boat.
I was looking through another thread and someone was reminding us of the trauma that envelopes the dx and treatnment and I think that we may tend to underestimate exactly what we have actually gone through. The same person(I'm really sorry, can't remember who it was) spoke of a very good book which addresses this - I was so desperate that i ordered it immediately. It came yesterday and I have been barely able to put it down. Its just brilliant - its called " The cancer survivors companion" by Dr Frances Goodhart, and I wish I'd got it a long time ago.
Please don't be hard on yourself and you are right to seek support on here.
Hugs to one and all, XXXXXX

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi
You are not alone. I have felt similar all week &v tearful. I was lost 4words @ an interview this week, went completely blank. Didnt get the job. I blame tamoxifen + meno. I guess it was not 2b, but I did feel stupid & useless. My family still love me tho. Lol
!!!
Look after yourself,
Love Alis

Xxx

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi,

Don't be to tough on yourself Cancer affects people very differently, i am too like you my memory is terrible and some days it really worries me i can spend half an hour looking for my keys and really cant remember where i left them, i've been very strong all through my treatment but i think there comes a time when even the strongest of people have down days just take each day at a time and talk to friends family or even on here because your not alone their is plenty of us suffereimh the same problems.

good luck honey and keep your chin up xxx

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi squizzly

I am sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time, our helpliners will be more than happy to talk to you about further support you may wish to access and they are a very good listening ear too. You can call Mon-Fri 9-5 and Sat 9-2 on 0808 800 6000.

Take care
Lucy

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Re: Losing my mind

Poor you Squizzly,
I can accord with a lot of what you say. The difference is that I'm lucky I have a good and understanding employer and I've worked for them for years so am not in immediate danger of losing my job.
However I don't seem to be able to retain information either and forget
what I'm doing (that's on the good days when I CAN do things).
I worry that I'll never get back to being the confident, able woman that I was. Will I be able to pick my job back up when I go back full time? At the moment I couldn't even drive there. I have to write everything down and keep checking where I'm supposed to be.
My friend who had BC a year ahead of me assures me this is common to many of us and will improve greatly, gradually and one day we will realise we feel like the person we used to be.
In the meantime I hope you will call the helpline or maybe try and get some counselling. I'm having some through the Breast Cancer Nurse at the hospital and it helping me to realise I'm not the only one who feels like this.
Good luck for the future.

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Re: Losing my mind

Hi

Oh you poor love, you cannot cope with this alone, in the face of everything you have gone through you are allowed a little me time now you know!!!

I have had experience of how you are feeling at the moment, not through my BC but in another episode of my life. You are not rubbish you are a brave person who has lived through a horrendous episode in your life and it sounds to me from your post that this is the reaction to it.

You can always contact the helpline or see your GP who should be able to advise you how to cope or at least point you in the right direction of someone who will be able to help you.

Believe me you are not losing your mind your are just having a not very nice episode at the moment. When I was going through this I had a very old and wise friend who had a saying....this too will pass...it may not seem like it at the moment but it will and life wil get better.

Please be kind to yourself and speak to your GP or do you have a good friend you can talk to about how you are feeling, don't try to cope alone.

My best wishes for you M

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Losing my mind

I finished treatment in July 2010, had a little stint of the old neutropenia sepsis along the way just for good measure. I was made redundant in April this year, I managed to work all the way through as an engineer. Since finishing treatment my memory and behaviour is rubbish. And I mean rubbish, I have black holes for days, I ask people the same question time and time again and now to top everything off they cited indecisiveness as a reason to sack me from my job......I don't want to be whinger becuase Im not. I am a strong person. I was so happy but I can't remember the last time I felt happy. I just can't, I don't know if that's becuse of my rubbish memory or becuase I just haven't been happy. When I try to explain people say 'oh yeah I know what thats like I put the milk in the oven the other day' how do I tell them and convince them that this is just on an altogether different scale, this is having arguments with people because they say Ive said something and I don't remember it. My moods are up and down like a yo yo I laugh inanely then burst out crying. I feel just rubbish at everything. I am incompetent I can understand why they are going to sack me I am a rpoject manager now and not through my probation period, they are going to sack on the day the six month period is up. I told them that I had had cancer. Do I really need to spell it out to my team that hey I am useless at this because I can't remember your name?'

you know people look at you and they say havent you done well, and inside its like no I havent I might be here breathign but ther eis nothing inside of me anymore. I dont know as Im looking for answers nad I feel stupid writing all this because I dont want to complain I am a strong person. And what I have gone through is nothign compared to others so what right have I got?

squizz