Lucky to be alive?!!!

[LEJ81]

Jenny065 sometimes you just need to put it out there... So type away. Mrs Angry is right things do get better with time, but sometimes it can be hard to see the wood from the trees and sometime you just need to say what you are thinking to others who can empthaise or understand what you have gone through and how you are feeling. As for Huggles - I love it and I'm going to start using that one. With regards to being a lucky one, none of us are lucky to have experienced this journey but I do feel lucky that I have learnt from it, although some days are darker than others I try my best to find the light each day. Good luck with the op - your in my prayers x 

[Jenny065]

Hello  Mrs.now not so angry,  so pleased to know you are getting back in control  and feeling "me"  again.at least I know that it is not just me,  and in time I will be following you on the "UP" escalator.   feeling more human roday, OH helped wash my hair, so that feels good.  As you say  when those you trust let you down, it hurts and can do a lot of damage.  I had to face the admissions suite again on the Monday morning, and it all got too much for me- I was in tears,(OH complained to CEO who came and apologised)  my surgeon got my BC nurse to sit in and chat with me for a while,don't think that helped how I was after op.  serious pain, and very low BP. for 36 hrs. couldn't even have the morphine as it was too low. but taking it day by day and feeling better and happier today,  my best friend has phoned and chatted, and my daughter. she also came in yesterday with the baby- 12 weeks,, no cuddles, but could watch her giggling and smiling-  loveley.

You sum it up  perfectly with our immediate family are what matter, priorities change ,  as you say you have made it and I will , wishing you all the best,

Thanks to everyone on here, it helps so much.

Huggles to you all.

Jenny.

[MrsAngry]

Hello all. Mrs not-so-angry nowadays. Have been seeing a counsellor regularly, and she has helped me sort my head out. Finishing treatment is frightening, not having the security of someone on hand to reassure you that every ache/pain isn't the beast coming back to bite you. That, coupled with the appalling behaviour of those you have trusted all your life letting you down at a time when they really should know better, is what tipped me over the edge.  Well, I'M BACK and stronger for it, despite their best efforts!  I am beginning to see "me" emerging and will not take any more crap from anyone again. My immediate family have been great, and they are what matters to me the most.  It's taken 2 years from diagnosis to start climbing out of the hole, but I made it and so can you. Priorities have definitely shifted. Thank you for your kind words of support in my dark days. xxx Jan

[Jenny065]

Hello Ladies,  especially Mrs Angry hope you are ok.

I know that I am so  lucky to be alive, and at the stage I am. and very grateful    just had op to reduce rt side to match left, they say the worst is over, but how do you move on??? at present I havn't seen the new look still got dresings on,  thought I would feel on top of the world... but just the opposite. I know I can't have the old me back, and obviously would not want the cancer back, but this is so hard. I will look so different.  just not me This feels worse than when i went in for Mx. so final .

 Jenny

[poemsgalore]

Oh Drdspg,

I know exactly what you mean. I felt much safer and protected when I was having chemo. Since I completed it and moved on (laugh, laugh) to hormone tablet, it's been one fear after another. I'm not moving on at all, I'm simply treading water.

Sending hugs

poemsgalore xx

[drdspg]

It has been hard to get people to understand that the " recovery" phase is neither easy nor finite. There will always be a risk hanging around out there. It sounds really weird but sometimes I almost envy people on chemo, even though it was a complete nightmare, because they are obviously ill and there is a whole support structure around them.

[amd66]

hi drd, and others, its so nice to hear that we are all the same, even drd after 2 years. i hate the idea i should be over it, im too good about saying, i should, i must etc. my rads finished march last year and i am back to 2 part time jobs, i feel there are so many friends who just dont get it, the treatment was a doddle, i do go swimming and get out for walks but know i am not really involved in life, i try to look at just the simple things and go with the flow but its not easy. i wish i had more of a choicw with working but i need to be earning, thanks for sharing and good luck, it is true we must be gentel on oursleves, i get to join a small charity for support group, very informal, and anyone who has or has had life threatening illness. its gives me that sense of belongin.

big hugs to you all

Anne xx

[drdspg]

I don't think any of us should carry any guilt about any of the riot of emotions we feel - fury, fear ,hopelessness , apathy..it is hardly surprising and they don't go quickly as what happened to us did happen. I am dealing with impact of breast cancer which I was diagnosed with 2 years ago. Having said that, I am still managing the impact of having had leukaemia as a teenager 30 years ago. I am not trying to be a pessimist but just to say to be kind to yourself. These feelings don't magically disappear even if people expect that we should be " over it by now".
A

[Jenny065]

Hello ladies,and especially Mrs Angry     I am so pleased that I came across this thread, I can so relate to all that you have said.     I am one of the lucky ones, in that I needed the left MX in Nov12, but escaped the chemo,rads, and other drugs,but it still affects you emotionally    I have had reconstruction to the left side, and on Mon 31st March am going back in to have my right side reduced to look more even!.(It was meant to be on 10th march but surgeon went sick so spent 3 hours in admissions suite then returned home.      I finished work in Oct.11, after months off with stress the previous year  and a lousy line manager and having to take Citalopram-still on it! then my mum had a fall in early dec and struggled on until early Feb. the care home was outstanding. my sister lives in France, she managed a visit- about an hour  at the Christmas on their way to see her son. and to come over to the funeral, they wore  jogging bottoms and fleeces!  I then had problem with my left eye- ? Tia - probably stress related.so another op  then in the Nov 12  was dx with DCIS in left breast, My sister saw me for about an hour that Xmas on her way to visit others. I have not heard from her since.she was over this Xmas, and at the end of the summer.   I had my reconstruction op on 4 Nov 13 3 weeks later my lovely grand daughter aged 10 was hit by a car, a frantic call from our daughter- who was 8 months pregnant I took care of the 2 boys( 6 & 8 yrs)  my husband followed the paramedic to the main hospital- oops  at way over speed limit,  home some 8 hours later. Our daughter is bringing up the children on her own.  The nicest thing from all this is we now have another beautiful grand daughter-now 8 weeks old. My husband has been there for me all the way, but sometimes I  feel a bit  smothered.   I am not looking forward to next op as hate the admissions suite that i have to check into on the morning. its horribly noisy and overcrowded.with day surgery minor cases as well as ladies like us Its a case of musical chairs and doctors etc shouting for their patients then hunt the empty room  .I'm not sleeping and cannot get it out of my head, my husband stayed with me  last time.and plans to do so again. mainly because I am partially deaf and find it hard to hear my name in all the mayhem. 

 I agree with clothes not feeling right, and comments from friends of  o you will be alright. (growl)   Like Lej81 says, BC has changed me,I will be a new shape in a few weeks, but not sure about it, Just all mixed up.

Sorry if I have winged but it does help. 

My youngest grandson has a special word Huggles,  so sending lots of them to all of you.

[MrsAngry]

Hope you find what you need LEJ, at least it's a starting point with Macmillan. Counselling was offered at my hospital throughout my nightmare of 2 years but I always resisted-silly me. Perhaps leaving your job will allow you to take time for yourself to recover. Best wishes x

[LEJ81]

Hi Mrs Angry, 

After deciding to leave my job this week (seemingly I'm not coping) I can quite believe the councilling could help. I have signed up with BBC moving forward (although its not till May) requested the folder and going into see MacMillan next week to talk. Good to hear your in a better place and I hope that you consider to find the strength you need to move on and lead a happier life. x 

[MrsAngry]

Hello Jigsaw, songbird and LEJ.  I would never have believed that seeing a counsellor would do any good.  Despite my doubts I had to do something.  I hope you bite the bullet and seek the help you need, it has certainly helped me sort the wheat from the chaff, and whilst the cancer anxiety and fear is still there, it is less so now that I've dumped the other things that were dragging me down further. xxx

[MrsAngry]

Thanks to all those of you who offered sensible advice to get help.  I am now a lot less angry and upset than when I originally posted and am seeing a counsellor.  Looking back at my post, I sounded self indulgent and helpless. Having clambered out of the hole I was in I can now see that family behaviour and the death of my dad on top of cancer made the whole thing much worse than it should have been.  I will now concentrate on me and my immediate friends and family, and my shallow and selfish mother and sister have been locked in a cupboard.  I will get them out and kick them around for a while, then put them back in the cupboard. I will still give my mother the occasional duty visit because I can't be mean to her, but she cannot hurt me any more.  Thanks for your support. xxx

[Guest user]

Hi my name is Lynn and I completely empathise with you....I am also in that deep dark place, its not nice and I am struggling to cope with it now x

[LEJ81]

I can sympathise with the PJs bit, although my boss prob wouldn't have been too impressed at me turning up to work in them... I was forced into buying new stuff as I had to go back to work. Believe me I had no desire to shop and when I did it wasn't a happy experience. Mainly because like you I didn't recognise the person staring back in the mirror.

It's great that you've got some support and taken comfort from the friends you've made here... And the depression isn't as black. I'm on the mind I'll try without drugs for now but if things don't improve I fully intend on going to the gp for help. Mainly because I don't need to add sectioned to my horrific year...

I think it's still important to say to people just because the treatment has ended doesn't mean the mental scars have. I'm coming to terms with the fact bc has changed me, and I won't ever be the person I was before, right now I'm just figuring out who this new person is x

[MrsAngry]

I also have loads of clothes that don't fit and won't buy new ones because I don't like the body enough to dress it anyway. I'm not even bothering to get dressed, because if I don't have to go out then I won't. The grief I go through by trying to look human; hair, eyebrows putting the boob in the right place (might as well stick it on my ear, may be more comfortable there)  clothes looking crap and  failing miserably is what tips me over the edge, so for the time being I have withdrawn-makes sense not to put myself through it and I feel better for it. If there were no mirrors I would cope better!  All sounds like vanity doesn't it? Just an effort to rejoin the human race and pick up where we left off, but we can't do that now can we? I don't know the face looking back at me in the mirror, and people who are supposed to care continually hurt me by saying and doing stupid things. After all, you've had the treatment, so it's all ok now, right? Really? I know they mean well, but if I had a gun.........

I read somewhere that however long the treatments take after diagnosis is how long it takes to recover physically, although most of us seem to have lingering problems that refuse to go away. Mentally I don't think I will ever recover fully, just manage to go through the motions of daily life with my fingers crossed. How can you put it to the back of your mind when the simple process of a daily shower smacks it in your face?

As for the depression thing, I'm in a better place now than I was when I started this thread. The lovely ladies on here have been very supportive, and you can say things to them that you can't say to your family because they understand exactly how you feel. Good days and bad days for a while yet, but hopefully the balance will shift to more good days eventually.

[LEJ81]

Wish I'd read these posts before I started a new thread. I too am feeling the after effects of treatment where my body has healed but my head is only just coming to terms with the new person I have become. My mood swings are shocking I actually don't recognise myself and act like a woman possessed its a wonder someone hasn't slapped me ( sometimes I wish they would just to try and bring me back down to earth) i feel I have nothing in common with my friends, that their lives continue to move on while I'm here trying to work out what the hell the last 11 months have been about. If one more person tells me how good I look, at least a stone overweight, nothing in my wardrobe fits, my chubby face, lack of hair and my mother In law keeps saying 'you've got loads of clothes!' To which I repeat your right but none of them fit me.... If my mother tries once more to fix my scarf or alter my wig I may throttle her (then feel like the worse daughter in the world, because I know it's because she cares and thinks she's helping) my husband tires his best, but I find myself screaming and crying its a wonder he's not had me committed. I feel like I'm or a merry go round except there's not much to be merry about. It's Christmas (now tomorrow) I'm usually hyper and bouncing off walls... Which is why we decided to book our wedding for the 28th, which is now a blessing because like everything else cancer robbed that from us too (we got married 5 weeks after my diagnosis, on the advice of my oncologist) I have 200 guests who are coming to celebrate the end of a crap year and all I want to do is lie down in a darkened room and sob my heart out not put on a show of how fabulous I was taking on cancer and winning... God that felt good just saying it out loud! I'm sure like the treatment I'll get through this 'phase' but right now I'm struggling x

[songbird68]

Is that an evil chuckle after killing little green piggies?!

I have stayed away from angry birds cos I know I'll get completely addicted.

I've just been introduced to Game of Thrones...omg it is awesome. So dark and bloodthirsty and magical - there be dragons too! You watched it yet? I highly recommend (if you are ok with pretty graphic stuff including scenes of a sexual nature - it's an 18)

from the tiniest spark, a fire rages...one day at a time x x

[MrsAngry]

I do believe a spark of humour has crept back to me!

[MrsAngry]

I play Angry Birds. Shooting little green piggies (whom I have named) is the only way I can kill people legally lol.

[songbird68]

Hi I am angry too a lot of the time, and play a lot of Xbox (Halo - killing the enemy, love it!). I was so surprised to read your post because it could have been mine, if I'd had the nerve to post! Don't know why I wouldn't have the nerve, I mean, what exactly have I got to lose now ffs.

I feel so disconnected from my friends and family - almost like I've already died - and maybe I did, inside.:( I also feel that I don't want them to miss me too much if I die in a couple of years, and be really hurt. That is a very difficult thing for me to think of, so I do my best to channel my thoughts elsewhere. And like you pretend I am absolutely fine and dandy.

As others have said, all of us go through these emotions and despair. It sort of helps to know that, but then I feel really guilty for thinking that - that others are going through and will go through cancer and all the s**t ty treatments.

What I'm trying to say is that I'm really sorry you're going through this, and I'm really glad you put your feelings out there.

Your mum can get a perm!! love it. Do you think she says stuff to try and make you feel better about yourself? People just have no idea how to talk to us now do they?!

I am trying to get my head around "the new normal" ie life after a cancer dx. And kill a few more grunts as I go(halo ref again!).

Sending you a big hug:)

x x

[MrsAngry]

WOW!  So glad I plucked up the courage to post, and what a relief to be finally understood. You amazing ladies are of course saying things that I know make a lot of sense, but it's been so hard to cut through the misery and see it for myself. I am not a patient person and expect to be able to move forward, so perhaps I will consider medication for a while just to clear my head. I also probably need to practise saying "no", but it's very hard on me emotionally to do that so I end up feeling guilty for not doing what I feel I should.  In the meantime, my mother can go and get a perm if she wants curly hair like mine!

[applestreet]

Hi Mrs A...it's not often I post on here now..I do lurk a bit though...your post struck a chord with me so first here's a HUGE hug for you..this time last year I was where you are now...and was playing PC games as well..I too didn't want to go down the chemical route either but thanks to all the marvellous ladies on this site giving me advice and letting me know I wasn't going insane..I did..I,m on a low dose of Citalipram and it keeps me on an even keel..you,re totally allowed to be angry..this disease is sh*** and we all feel the same..try to take some time for yourself and if you feel like having pyjama days then why not..I do it all the time!!!!...Families, especially our kids think we're OK..treatment finished..job done..Mam's allright now..business as usual..WHOA...not really..if my 2 daughters could see my thoughts some days!!!!....go and see your doc and get something to help you through this patch..let your family get on with it...I,ve found just saying NO..gets easier the more you do it....you are lucky to be alive we all are..my cousin who was only 49 went to bed in the summer with a headache and never woke up again...so  things in perspective..you've lost a boob..fair enough...so have I..you,ve lost weight..well is that a bonus?..,Ive never been a stick insect but tamoxifen has made me Mrs Curvier than I was...you are still here to see your grandkids.I,m now 2yrs post dx 19 months post chemo..it does get easier..you will start to take an interest in life again..I find as time goes on it gets easier..my very best wishes to you and another massive hug...apple..

[grumpy]

Mrs Angry - you are strong because you CAN articulate your feelings and understand what a battering you have taken. This may help - when we are diagnosed, I think we focus all our energy on the treatment we are having, then when it ends, the adrenalin plummets and we don't know what/how to cope with the next bit. and of course we are all different, with different tolerances, different reactions, different support systems etc etc.

So you are NOT a wimp, you are on your own specific route and YOU ARE PERFECTLY ENTITLED TO BE. You have to follow your own instincts, otherwise some emotion could pop up years later and poke you in the eye. I repeat - you are fully entitled to deal with the whole BC scenario in the way that is right for you.

And as for families/friends, it is NOT your job to please them, it's up to them to help you - so ask for help in clear terms in a calm manner which demonstrates that you expect them to actually DO something! Someone once said (Oprah Winfrey?? Judge Judy??) caring and loving are not just words , they are ways of behaving...

And get to your GP or clinic, in case some medication could provide temporary help....

much love and big hugs

grumpy

[poemsgalore]

Dear Mrs Angry,

Now let's get things straight. YOU ARE NOT A PATHETIC CREATURE!!!! You are a wonderful, brave woman who has gone through one of the most awful, awful experiences a woman can go through. And at the same time, coping with the problems of other family members. It's time to let the others take a back seat and think of yourself for once. I realise that being selfish is not in your makeup, so it will be difficult, but it might make others sit up and notice what hell you have and are going through.

Sending the most whopping big hugs. poemsgalore xx

[MrsAngry]

Thank you all ladies for your kind words of encouragement. I don't like this pathetic creature I see right now, but I do know I'm entitled to be angry, so I suppose there's still some trace of spark there somewhere. After WLE came a fall downstairs resulting in a punctured lung, chemo while that healed resulting in blood clots on the other lung with 11 months of daily Heparin injections, hospitalised for chest infection, mastectomy, rads, triple neg so no more for me, then my dad died and my sister behaved like a total **bleep**, causing arguments between me and my mother - it's been a while since I felt anything other than a victim and out of control.  It's impossible to get across how wretched I feel when I look ok to everyone else, and they don't want to hear it anyway.  Forgot to mention:  Before I got myself to the doctor with the lump, my daughter's husband walked out on her and 3 children, leaving them having just moved house and with no cooker or TV 2 weeks before Christmas, and I was immersed in sorting out both hers and my mother's problems as dad was in the later stages of Alzheimer's, whilst my dear sister was in her retreat in France for several weeks, and THAT is probably the reason I ended up having such aggressive treatment, neglecting myself but still looking after my parent's affairs both before going to the GP and throughout treatment.

[NAZ]

Hi MrsAngry

I hear your pain and suffering. You are not alone, i am 4 years down the road, it has been a bumpy ride, but i still have days like you do.

When you feel like it, talk to someone, i did not for ages and my thoughts and feelings spiralled out of control.

You are still you, but you can't see you right now, because you are swamped under a cloud of emotions.

Try and focus on one thing at a time. You don't need to be brave or strong for anyone. You are allowed to hurt and feel sad,

I won't say too much, but be kind to yourself over the coming days, weeks and months.

The cancer won't win and it doesn't have grasp of your soul. You are in shock from the treatment and change of body. It takes time to adjust, lots of time and TLC for you is needed.

Taking meds i believe helps to get you back on track and have helped many people to feel calm and refocus.

Feel free to PM me anytime.

Naz xxx

[lucy12]

Please speak to someone.

I am also in a very dark place at the moment. I have a wonderful family who are all doing their best to be positive but it can sometimes make me feel worse - just the effort of constantly smiling and cracking jokes, making out I'm fine so as not to worry them when I just want to curl up and cry forever.

I haven't gone through nearly as much as so many of you have - lumpectomy, RT and tamoxifen - and even that makes me feel guilty as what do I have to feel rubbish about compared to some others?

I finally plucked up the courage to speak to my GP who has been wonderful - she's let me sit and cry for as long as I needed too (even sending out for more tissues!). I have started on a low dose of citalopram, not really sure yet if it is helping but I expect the dose to go up at my next appointment. But that's OK - it's not going to be forever. It won't always feel like this - our bodies have been through so much that sometimes they just need a little bit of extra help to heal - body and soul.

Take care honey and good luck

[carolihne]

Go and see your Dr and talk it through with him/her.  You are still you on the inside, but you have taken a lot of knocks and need to rebalance  Don't let the cancer take everything away.  Taking Anti depressants is not giving in (in my opinion) it's just helps get your head straight again.  i have taken citrolapram for about two year now - I was dead against it at first but it has heped even out my terrible mood swings, I don't feel sleepy, 'out of it' or anything like that.

good luck

Caroline

[MrsAngry]

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I feel lost and grotesque. Christmas looms like a huge threat and I have to put on a brave face for family, but inside I'm dying. If I relent and take medication then cancer will have taken everything including my soul.

[tracyld]

Hello Mrs Angry ....

It is normal to feel this way after treatment BUT please do something about it as the dark thoughts and feelings will not go away on there own. Please visit your GP and get the help you deserve. We should not have to suffer in silence. I too was in a big black hole after treatment ended. I could not understand it as I had sailed through all the treatments. I was given anti depressants and diazepam to cope with the anxious thoughts. Then I saw the Cancer Psychologist for Counselling which for me was absolutely brilliant as she made me realise what I had been through, how to grieve for my lost breast. How to cope with other people when we feel angry and afraid. I still take the anti depressants 3 years after , but I dont care they keep me sane and feeling well again. I also went to a Self Help Depression group in my town. I tried everything as I told my husband I simply did not want to live feeling as I did and gradually it disappeared. I started to feel lessanxious and interested in the world around me again.

Please have a chat with your BCN or GP to get this sorted. It is awful but it WILL pass . You will feel well again soon . Sending love and healing thoughts Tracy xxx

[Lucy_BCC]

Dear MrsAngry
Welcome to the BCC forums where I am sure you will continue to find lots of support and an understanding of your feelings, please also feel free to call our helpliners for a listening ear, practical and emotional support, lines open 9-5 weekdays and 10-2 Saturdays on 0808 800 6000

You may find the BCC 'Moving forward' information and support of interest, here's the link:

http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/moving-forward

Take care
Lucy BCC

[cornishgirl]

Am sending you massive hugs MrsAngry, this is one so**ing cruel vile disease which takes away so much from  us all, I too have had moments when I have felt like you so you are not alone, and if one more person tells me to be positive or well that I'm still here I will bl**dy well smack them, nobody understands what its like to go through breast cancer and its horrendous treatments unless they have been there themselves, and noone understands the emotional turmoil it all leaves behind, am so sorry your feeling so low, there is probably nothing I can say that will makes you feel better right now, its seems like a rollercoaster that you cannot get off at times , just be kind to you , and try and take each day at a time then it all doesnt seem so overwhelming   take good care of you, and keep coming onto the forums to offload when you need to for get some much needed support.

Best wishes to you 

L x

[MrsAngry]

I have read many posts during the past however many months it's been since diagnosis, drawing a great deal of support from you all - BUT - I am now in a very dark place. Active treatment finished in July, and people expect me to be as I was, strong, in control, sensible and active. I am currently sitting in a darkened room playing computer games to shut my head up. My life that has been "given back" to me is shrinking daily. It starts with the image of a missing boob and the pain from it, followed by deciding what to wear that won't hurt me or hang off me  due to lost weight, then it comes to dealing with the wayward eyebrows, f***ing hair that won't conform and culminates in getting back into dressing gown and refusing to go out. And if my stupid mother says "I wish I had curly hair like that" again I may very well choke her. I AM NOT GRATEFUL. I have been given my life back (for now) for what? To spend the rest of my days in abject misery to please everyone else???