Dear mnc, My dear janey2 was strong enough to remove herself from her "lonely" marriage. To me - it says a great deal when a husband, your so called lifelong partner "through sickness and in health" etc, isn't even INTERESTED to attend sessions at "Relate". Janey2 so obviously wanted and still wished to work at her marriage. But . . her husband Sooooo obviously DID'NT - otherwise he'd have gone along to "Relate" with her. Taken some of the relationship probs onto himself and felt responsible - that a Yeh Janey ? I personally would have done the same thing and did do. Tho not with the much more difficult to break ties of marriage. It made me question - what is "the point" of being in a relationship, when your partner doesn't "step up" for you when you are struggling with YOUR health, and you did/would have done everything you could for them !! Fortunately Janey has come out better for and from it - Yey Janey! She's been very lucky tho'.
It's a frightening prospect, espesh when you're older and may have kids involved. A very important phrase and word Janey mentioned was INVEST, "he no longer clearly wanted to INVEST in OUR future". For any relationship to be succesful, it takes BOTH parties to want to invest in it to keep it alive, doesn't it.
Mnc - Have you suggested attending "Relate" to him?? I also think it is more difficult for a male mind to ask for and accept help, espescially from an outside unknown source. But, I may very well be being very generalistic and sexist in that statement and wish no offence to the male species.
Miojan - it humours me that you have the opposite prob YET you stress that he isn't nor ever has been demonstrative or affectionate!! I don't know which is worse of the two!! Maybe it's an easy cop out for him. Maybe your intolerance is simply due to his lack of physical support and affection. After all, we all need physical warmth and affection, espescially when we're going through a tough time, don't we. A kiss, touch or hug can say and mean soooo much more than any word(s) can say. Has he always been so lacking in physical affection Miojan? If so, how on earth did you go about courting and ever getting married??
"Through sickness and health" - my Mum "stuck" with my Dad after his stroke. She hated that he was a "changed" person from it ,mentally and personality wise and permanently disabled as well. Hated and bitter that their future had suddenly been upheaved. They had always been a very loving, devoted couple and fantastic parents. Took me a while to understand, come to terms with my Mums feelings and repeated complaints following his stroke. But, she stayed with him thru to his death - remained there. I don't know if that was down to a love she still had for him as he "used" to be and the old "tradition" of marriage and sticking by her husband. Or a fear to break away from it, the familiarity of it - perhaps better the devil she knew and all that. I don't think she'd have been able to cope with leaving him in such later years. Would have been very messy, very disruptive. I think she basically just resolved herself to the easiest option - and complained about it to me, my bruv and friends. Not my Dads fault - Bless 'em both
BUT . . . none of you are in that same situation are you . . . you're not disabled. Soooo, my thoughts are the same as Janey. Take any measure you possiby can or want to, to carry on making it work - BUT . . that takes BOTH of you to WANT to.
Loadsa love
Dellywelly xxxx
