Hi Dancing Queen and everyone am late sending this as my broad band is very iffy. I have been single since splitting up after 30 plus years of being married and it was a great releif. Just as I had regained my confidence and was back on an even(ish) keel I got my Dx and yes it would be so lovely to get a hug and a kiss at the end of a tough day. But how do you say ' I have something to tell you'before things get too up close and personal?I have been very lucky in lots of ways as I have 2 brilliant children and 1( my son) has 2 very huggable little sons and the other, my daughter, has got a lovely boyfriend for which I am am so grateful as she is such a great support to me and he adores, cherishes and suppots her in turn.Not looking at buying a new hat ( for a wedding just yet though)LOL Libby 2010
Hi all, hope you don't mind me butting in I have just had a mastectomy 5 days ago and I have still got the redivac drain in as it won't stop draining so am a bit stiff and sore at the moment!
My partner left me last December and in aweird way I'mglad he did as much as I loved him and miss him he is not the type of man who wuld of been able to cope with all this going on and I would of had to deal withnot only my own emotions and those of my 2 teenage boys I would of had to have dealt with his too!!
I too worry about ever feeling loved again but will just have to hope for the best and see what the future brings!
Dancingqueen? Have you looked in marks and spencers at their total support bras range? They do a wide selection of non underwired bras in larger cup sizes and some of the range are quite pretty!
Hope to get to know you all beter soon when I am more mobile!
Luv Tigs xxx
Thanks for youe message.I have just finished radio and have to wait at least 6 months for recon which is frustrating.I am a 32E and so my other boob is just so heavy and i cant find a non wired bra that will give me the support i need for the other boob.I have a sports bra but it digs in too much on my radio site so i have had to stop wearing it.Im dreading summer as i dont know what i will wear as im used to vest tops which would be impossible now.
As for relationships i just think that i will have to meet somone who already knows about my cancer as i cant bear the idea of that conversation that starts with i need to tell you something!!!
It's certainly not easy for us all but i guess we are all making the best of it.
Bolton is just up the road from Wigan.
Just wanted to say I also had triple neg, and I chose to have a mastectomy and not have chemo. You can pull through this, and having a loving partner is a huge help if you feel you can share the experience with him. I showed my scar to my husband straight away in the hospital and he immediately made me feel it was OK for him. I do still feel less sexy and I have had to change the way I dress, no cleavage! I agree with what others have said about wearing something in bed. I wish there were more sexy bras for after mastectomies, there are pretty ones, and comfortable ones, but it would be great if these were some really sexy ones we could keep on in bed too.
The body image thing is a lot to get your head around and 2 years on I feel I am really only beginning.
Good luck with it all,
Hello Dancing queen,
I so understand how you feel about the relationship issue, I am older than you a young 49 !!, and I have been married I have two teenage boys, but I have been on my own a long time and before my diagnosis was ready to meet someone,
It is extra pressure that we could do without I really wouldn't know what to say to someone and when in the relationship do you say it? it's a minefield!!,
Did you have recontruction? I had a sub pectoral implant, I was diagnosed last september and had mastectomy and recon in october,they took 6 nodes and one came back with cancer, so I have just finished the chemo, and will be starting radiotherapy for four weeks the 24th, and tamoxifen,
I live in Essex, otherwise I would join you for a walk, I have family in lanceshire and when I was a child I lived in Bolton,
I even called my BCN yesterday because I want to return to the gym, and she had to tell me about the risk of lymphodemia, is anything ever the same again!!
good luck Ann x
I was diagnosed 2nd June 2009,i am triple neg,IDC.Just finished my treatment last week and finding that now i have dealt with the physical symptoms i have the emotional ones to deal with.Mostly scared it will come back or that the treatment has not worked completely.
I understand the whole body image is an issue.I am 37 and single which is hard because anyone i meet now will have to know at some stage that i have only one boob,how does that conversation start???Make jokes first?That's what i normally do.I really envy all you who have amazing partners who love you for you and not just for what you look like.I tend to avoid contact with guys now which is a shame because i would love to have a guy at the end of each day to hug me and say he loves me.
Im looking into starting swimming in the next few weeks and i am going to start cycling too.I am positive most days but then just wake up and don't feel positive at all.
I find the support groups help such alot as we can never stop talking about our experiences and you really realise you are not alone.
Anyone else near Manchester/Lancashire who wants to start walking or cycling????
Hi Jaime, I am glad that you have got things sorted out now via your BC Nurse. I have had similar problems at GP's too but now I always ask for my own named doctor coz I cannot stand having to explain eveything to a new doctor each time. But sometimes I cannot get him and have to "make do" with any GP. If I just want to ask my GP a question, I call the surgery and ask if they can ask my GP to phone me. He usually phones after his surgery or if he has ..eg ...if someone doesn't turn up for their appointment. They are happy to do this. Perhaps instead of changing surgeries you could ask your GP if he would do this for you? Hope all works out for you, love Val
hello everybody, I was feeling a little bit more positive, then this morning everything collapsed again, I went to the doctor's so that he could arrange the hearts tests just in case they have to give me chemotherapy later on, as this time I am not having chemotherapy because they are not sure how my heart would react to it, my doctor wasn't working today so I had to see a replacement, I am sure he was only there to cover a seat and nothing else, all he kept on saying was just wait and see, when I said i was triple negative, he said he was sorry the way he said it i may as well have said i was dying tomorrow, honestly i am frightened enough, I wonder if he thinks why to bother.
Thank God that when I came back I rang my BCN and could speak to her she said she is not worried at all in my case and we are meeting on Thursday and talk about everything and sort the heart doctor as well.
I think I will change surgery anyway, not long ago the doctor game me a prescription for some tablets I am allergic to, is a good thing a looked before taking it, it was in my health records in big why didn't he see it? if this cancer doesn't kill me the doctors will, lol. I feel a bit better now, with the conversation with my nurse and because of the post of Josie and her PM. Thanks everybody WE ARE A GREAT BUNCH
Hang in there, Josie, you sound a bit better but I know that feelings can go all over the place. I love the sound of those throws - you could have a career doing that in this bloody cold weather!
love monica x
thanks to everybody for your supporting words. I am thinking about everything you said, and he is still here with me, don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but for now I am waiting. I have talked with him and he says that it is not pity, it is love and that it would hurt him alot more to be away from me than going through all of this with me, he says that he would worry alot more not knowing if I am ok that it is easier to be here and work with me than being away. He asked me what would I do if it was the other way round and he lost his "u know what" because of illness would I go away, would I stay just because of pity? so, he said if you would stay because you want to be with me regardless of what happens, why should he feel less just because he is a man?. I am trying to get in touch with my BCN but it is impossible, I always had this problem since I started with this, I suppose she is very busy, I don't realy know who else to ring as I am also trying to find out what happens next in my case as it is different from the majority. I feel that if you don't belong to the mainstream of chemotherapy or radiotherapy I am being left to one side as second class patiente, I will carry on trying to get in touch with her, although the way I feel if I notice any dryness on her part I will clam up totally and don't say anything.
I am suppose to be having counselling, they rang before xmas and said it would be quick, haven't heard anything yet. I hope all of you that are wating for results get good ones.
I'll tell you one way I had of coping when I was on the wating game and now, I do crotchering, I have done since november four big throws one for each grandchild,I am now making one for my partner, if I carry on I will send each of you one lol.
Hugs to everybody
like many others here, my heart is full from reading your posting. Please don't think that anything you write will be seen as crazy, we have all been through feelings we have thought of as 'not right' in some way and we all understand how painful feelings can be.
As others have said, please don't push this good man away - let him be there for you, and remember how special you are to this lovely guy. As Horace says, you are more than your breast and more than your cancer.
I have had bc twice and lost my breast 13 years ago, waiting 2 years for reconstruction and I know how crap that felt - not sure whether your existing health problems will allow a recon, but your bc nurse will be able to talk different options through with you.
I have also found a psychologist thro my bc nurse who is helping me a lot.
You sound depressed and there are lots of things that will help you to pick up on the activities you have enjoyed in the past.
You can have your life back - it may be a different life to what you envisaged but that doesn't mean it can't be a good life.
I think you have made a good start by writing some of it down here and I really hope this is the start of a better time for you.
I, like many of us, will be thinking of you and rooting for you, please let us know how you are getting on
take care and be kind to yourself
love, monica x
Dear jaime I too have a wonderful husband.Your man loves you and you are more than your breasts,more than your cancer.Please tell him you want him to stay and work out a physical relationship you are happy with.If you still feel very self conscious about your breast and scars then maybe wear a little vest top in bed-sounds silly but just knowing that the scars arent visible can help.
My heart goes out to you love,
You hang on to your partner and let him be there for you.
Hi Jaime, I am so sorry to read the situation you find yourself in is hurting you this way. No one can of course fix things for you, but I agree that counselling will help, if you can find a way to let it help, which is key. The very fact you have written this down is a starting point in finding a positive way through is my view.
My history is on my profile if you want to read it, but just wanted to say that I just got married to the perfect man after a fighting a horrendous divorce.
My OH and I had only been together for 18 months when I was first diagnosed, and I fully expected him to walk away as he is 10 years my junior and really didn't need a disfigured old woman for a girlfriend I thought. I tried to push him away, I was so diffilcult to be with, but he stuck it out and he proved me wrong, he helped me overcome my fears and my revulsion at the changes cancer has wrought on both my body and my mind. He has been my rock, and that has helped me cope.
I now see the many physical scars as a reminder of the fight I am having, and no battle was ever fought without injuries, so I will keep on doing it.
When he first proposed, early this year, I had this voice in my head telling me it was because he felt sorry for me, it was pity and all my self doubts came back, but I thought 'screw it' if he is willing to make this commitment, then so am I. I am now so very happy.
Someone said would you stand by him if the roles where reversed, it's a good measure, as I would never ever have left my man no matter what. He is just doing the same for me.
Try and get someone to talk to Jamie, that can give you coping mechanisms, I found CBT very useful personally but your BCN can help with the right counselling.
Lastly, never think you are crazy, or think anyone here will laugh or think less of you for expressing how you feel, it's what this place is here for and we all have our own ways of dealing, coping and at times not, we are all only human.
Sending you much love and positive vibes.
Hi There Jaime
Hope you don't mind my joining in. I can completely relate to what you are saying, though I am single and have not had a sex life since mx because I could not bear to let a man see my body. This from what was a very uninhibited woman before the surgery! I too am a completely different person, for me it is nearly 18 months and I am no happier as time goes on.I still can't look at myself, or if I do i feel such anger and revulsion I have come to avoid making myself feel bad.
I haven't really got any advice but just wanted to say I understand the feelings. I have not found anything helpful but it occurs to me that if this man loves you you have a head start on learning to live with the body you are in. The advice the other women have given sounds realistic, sensible and worth a try with your guy.
Best of luck
My husbands been a marvel and I wouldn't have coped without him, bless
I always think of the other side of the coin, if he had been diagnosed, would you have abandoned him or is the love strong.
Accept his love and cherish it for what it is....
Don't do this! Your post made me feel so sad for you. (I don't think you're crazy, just grieving). It sounds as tho' you have found a guy in a million - don't drive him away, please.
I've read so many posts on here from women who've partners have dumped them and you've got one who obviously loves you for WHO you are, not whether you have a full set of bits or not. Don't let him go! Let him be there for you.
Yes, bc is sh*t. But we don't have to spread the sh*t around. Stick two fingers up at life, get back on your metaphorical horse, put on your dancing shoes, rebook that wedding. Perhaps you could try going back to just one of the activities that you used to enjoy first of all. Ease yourself back into something, anything. Or just treat yourself to something special just for you.
I won't say 'pull yourself together', because it ain't as easy or simple as that.
I've said to my OH on a few occasions (first dx 1993, second primary 2004, hysterectomy, oopherectomy, lumpectomy one side, mastectomy then recon the other - this is me, not him, btw) - 'wouldn't you like to find another wife in good working order?'. Reply: 'you're not getting rid of me that easily'.
OH and I have always been curious to see what the surgeon got up to, so we have tended to have a good old look at the handiwork - I've always been amazed at how neat things usually are. I'm a bit like Purdey - have been able to go woth the flow to a certain extent.
Jaime, you aren't worth any less as a person because this has happened to you and I really hope that things start to improve for you and that your partner is able to be part of that process.
So sorry to hear your news and you feel this way.
I was dx before Xmas and was told I would have to have a mastectomy! Well as you can imagine my world fell apart and I thought I can’t do this! But after reading many stories on forums and doing some research decided it was the only choice – it wasn’t easy.
Anyway, I had my mastectomy on the 17th Dec and still havn’t looked at it properly. I havn’t looked at it full frontal in front of a mirror naked – just can’t do it. When I have a shower I don’t look, I quickly get dry and put on a vest/cami top on. Then I finished getting dress and it’s not a problem cos I can’t see it.
My hubby hasn’t seen it either and when we do finally get intimate (that’s another story) I will wear a sexy cami top that will stay on!
At the end of the day there was no choice for me to have the mastectomy but there was a choice weather I looked at it or not. All I’m saying is that is how I dealt with it and it worked for me. Maybe you could give that a go?
Also gey back and try and do the things that you used to do, like swimming and dancing, try and get YOU back! I know it can be hard but it all takes time but can be done.
Hope you can work this out with your partner and try and get YOU back!
I can kind of relate to what you're saying, I find it hard to let my husband anywhere near me (not great as we've only just got married). Have to say I am getting better now but he accepts he goes nowhere near the boobs (I've had temp recon on my mastectomy side). It did take a bit of time before I let him look at the nonboob but once he saw it I felt a lot more confident. I still have my wobbly moments but I'm learning that he's with me for who I am and accepts the way I look, probably more so than I do.
My implant has been filled up gradually and I must say the more it's filled up, the more normal I am feeling. I can almost get away without a prostethis now, when wearing a bra with a fair bit of structure. Maybe considering a recon would be good for your confidence, unless of course it would interfer with other health issues.
I know it's not my place to say it but please don't push this man away, unless of course you really don't feel anything for him. If he accepts you as you are then maybe it's worth persevering, especially if he is willing to give you time you need and support. It sounds like he loves you lots and just wants you to be happy.
Have you tried talking to your BCN about this? Maybe getting back into activiies you used to do like dancing etc would help boost your confidence and self esteem again and help lift your mood. I know that I have to get out and about and do stuff or I get a bit mopey. I regularly meet with a bunch of ladies who have all been through or are going through Breast Cancer treatment and it's fab being able to thrash stuff out with them.
Happy thoughts being sent your way.
Hi Jaime, sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
I have also had a mastectomy, but can honestly say that it hasn't bothered me too much. Admittedly I would rather not have had it, but I don't think it stops me being me. Maybe I am in the minority.
Please don't let the loss of your breast ruin your life. There is much more to you than your breasts. Your partner sounds very supportive and loving and is probably really confused as to why you are pushing him away.
Have you tried having some counselling about it? You may find talking to a proffessional can put things into perspective.
I really hope you can work your way through this and cme out the other side happier.
Take care, Debbie. xx
Hello, I just thought I chared something with you, I keep on reading the forums and I find everybody is talking about the physical side of breast cancer. I don't know if it is just me, but since I had my breast removed I don't feel the same. I have been separated five years, I never wanted a relationship but a year ago I met a nice man and we started going out, it was very difficult for me as I came from a very long horrible marriage. Everything was going ok, well great really, we were planning to get married as soon as my divorce was through, then in september I got the news of cancer, at the beginning was ok as it was only a lumptectomy,and it was very tidy, when all this happened he left everything and moved in with me to look after me. Then in november I had to have a full masectomy. The first time i saw myself at the hospital, I passed out, and when I came round I went histeric, crying, sobbing, when I calmed down I just said I was going into a convent to become a nun, you might laugh now but I was very serious about it, I wasn' prepared for that at all.
Nearly two months have passed I am home with my partner, but for me everything has changed, I can't have no intimacy, I won't let him look at me, if friends come i make sure I have my protesis on, I am very concious of my body now, and of course I won't let him come anywhere near me. He is very good, and he says he doesn't mind, he doesn't even want me to have reconstruction because of my health issues, it doesn't seem to bother him at all, I know is me, the problem is I can't help feeling the way I do. I have put the wedding off, I stopped doing everything I used to do, like dancing, swimming, I am like a recluse in my home. This is making me very angry and depressed as I am a very active person and I feel physicaly ok. Has anybody else felt like me or should I just look for a convent and dissapear? I know I am hurting my partner so I have asked him to move out, he is very sad about it and so am I but I don't think it is fair on him all this. He has never been married before,so he should have a healthy woman and physicaly complete. My children and grandkids think he is great. But I think it would be very selfish on my part to let him stay, so I am practicaly forcing him out for his own good, I think. Any advice? I should be glad that I am ok for now, I suppose all of you think I am crazy to feel this way as everybody thinks that the important thing is to be alive. I just would like to be alive and feeling happy with myself, I don't thinks I'll ever will. Thanks for reading it if you got this far.