My boyfriend says I'm a dosser and friend cares more about her dead cat

[Caroline60]

Hi IWTL, i have read your posts on this site and another cancer website. Your story is sad and must be frightening for you. No wonder you are anxious and worried sometimes.
I reiterate - have your duvet days, if you need them, and do not feel guilty - I know I dont. You may need them - everyone is different and need to deal with this disease in which ever way that works for them.

This site has some very supportine people who use it - and who are just brilliant and very caring.

tc

[Downbutnotout]

Hi IWTL - I'm glad you're back on better terms with your boyfriend. Let's hope he can manage to be more thoughtful and supportive from now on. Yes, some men are insensitive but then it seems that your friend is even more so. I would be inclined to cut her loose; surely you can do better. If she can't manage to put your feelings and well-being first at this most difficult time of your life then I don't think she is a friend. True friends would be doing all they can to support you and would understand how you want to spend time with your boyfriend and to have your home comforts to get through the coming days and months. As you say, if you've just had your first chemo yesterday then you don't know how you will feel. I couldn't have gone anywhere as it affected me very soon after the treatment and made me very sick, followed by extreme fatigue and so on.

Put yourself and your needs first and if she doesn't like it then tell her not to bother with you. I really think you can do without other people's selfish emotions making your cancer journey even harder. Perhaps the trouble she's now had with her partner are because he has told her she's being unfair towards you? But whatever, it's really not your problem.

As for what to tell her, I think I would just say that, at this time you don't know how the chemo will affect you but that you are likely to feel very fatigued and unable to do what you would normally and so you just need time to yourself to see how things go. If she still is being unpleasant and thoughtless perhaps just say that it's been nice having her as a friend but that now you need to focus on yourself and getting better so you will no longer be in touch. That's just my opinion but life's experiences have taught me that self preservation is important and to do what I want and not to run around after, and waste my life on, selfish people.

Best wishes for a healthier and happier 2013.
X

[Guest user]

Well, me and my boyfriend are getting on again now and we had a nice Christmas. I think he is just a bit insensitive sometimes, like some men are. And I have been hysterical on and off for months.

It's the friend that's the big problem. I had my first chemo session scheduled for Friday 28 Dec. Normally we see each other between Xmas and New Year. She wanted me to go to her house on Thursday or Friday evening. I didn't want to go because I wanted to spend the evening before with my boyfriend and did not know how I would feel on Friday night. She sent me txts saying I was no friend and she wouldn't bother with me.
I rang her up and grovelled and said I didn't want to fall out and sent apologetic texts and then eventually when she was still being funny I had a big row on her over the phone.
The next day she was all teary on the phone to me saying it had caused trouble between her and her partner.
I have to speak to her tomorrow again. I don't know what to say. At this minute I feel OK. But for all I know I could feel like death warmed up soon. I don't know how I can make plans.

[Guest user]

i darent post what my thoughts are on all of this.. but I sure as hell know I have got a diamond in my husband!!!.. as he said to me last night I am going through this with you.. he reminded me of the time he was ill with a brain tumour and how he got through it with my support and love... thats what a partnership is all about... equal love .. I sure hope you find the strength to sort things out hun... this is the time you need all the support going.. lots of love and hugs xxx

[cornishgirl]

Hi IWTL, ive been hanging back too as i didnt want to say anything to cause you further upset but i felt so sad when i read your post, and to be honest i was realy angry reading abouit the way your BF is treating you ,you need love and support not that kind of hassle right now, i think hes being very selfish and tottaly agree with Largerbloke, Kevinj (thank god for decent careing men like these )and also Carrie, you deserve much better pet, god knows cancer is hard enough without you haveing to put up with someone like that, its realy hard i know, but like Flori says dont waste your time or give the best yrs of your life to someone who cant see further than himself, YOU are the one that matters right now, i would tell him to sling his hook!
Massive big hugs to you IWTL, i know all the ladies on here will be here to support you and will help you through all this rubbish.
Linda xx

[Downbutnotout]

Hi IWTL - I've been hanging back to say my views on this but since Kevin and Carrie have posted my thoughts I'm just going to tell you I agree. Based on personal experience I think you should cut your losses now and don't invest any more of your precious time on him. I know it's hard to do, particularly when you have so much else going on, but I think he's causing you a lot more heartache and stress that you can well do without. I spent too many of the best years of my life on someone and I felt great relief when I finally admitted to myself that he just wasn't worth it and called it a day. I wish I'd done it teens of years sooner!
X

[carrie35]

Hi I want to live you really need to get rid of the BF as you need support and will need more in the coming months both physically and emotionally and i doubt he will be the strength you need to get through this horrid time. My BF managed to find himself another woman while I was having my operation and didn't come to see me as he lived about 60 miles away so we didn't see each other that often. So he couldn't deal with or rather didn't want the hassle of me and my issues shawsers replaced no doubt with a younger and healthier model! I hope I am wrong about your man and since writing your post things have improved x

[kevinj]

Sweetheart if you were my daughter sister friend I would give you this advice get rid of him he is a complete and utter selfish Pratt if he can’t be bothered to support you when you are at your lowest point in life he doesn’t deserve you as a partner, I was so angry when I read your post, I would love to spend a few minutes in a locked room with him I am sure by the time he came out his attitude would have changed
If you want a duvet day great but make sure you do it for enjoyment have someone with you watch films or listen to music spoil yourself get waited upon don’t lie in bed feeling miserable my wife had the odd day of doing nothing and i ran round like a fool after her but it did her good and i was happy to do it. You sound a very frightened lady and that is so sad you need reassurance the ladies on here are fantastic and they will help you i promise.

[Nottsgal]

Hi
I wasn't going to reply as everyone has said everything sensible about your boyfriend and work, but then I realised no-one had mentioned the friend with the dead cat. One of the unexpected (to me, at least) things about cancer is that it reveals who your true friends are. People who you expect to be there for you often aren't and people you are not normally as close to will rally round and be your rock. I used to live in London and have friends from there that I don't see from one year to the next and am only really in Christmas card contact with, but 2 of them wanted to come and see me (in Notts) and one, who now lives in Southampton phoned me for a chat every single week while I was off work.
Some friends want to carry on being friends but change the subject if you mention cancer but I found I mostly avoided those friends because when you're going through treatment it's hard not to need to talk about it. A couple of years down the line, I'm still close to the friend in Southampton but the people whon understand me best are the ladies I met on here. We've met up twice for weekends away and I see one who lives nearer to me every couple of months.

[LargerBloke]

Hi IWTL, Token bloke chipping in. Your BF is being a knob and deserves a slap. OK, he may be having problems dealing with it, but your description of his behaviour is unnaceptable. When my wife was being treated there were quite a few things I bit my tongue on.

The treatment for cancer can be long and gruelling. My wife went through nearly 12 months of treatment, and it was tough, but she did it and I am proud of her.

Anyway, you need to try to figure out if he is having problems or just being a knob. If the former, he needs to talk to someone. If he is having problems and doesn't want to get help, my earlier desription still applies.

At a time like this us blokes need to shelve our pride and take help where it is available because our main job is helping you through this. If he isn't prepared to help, I am sure you can give him clear directions to the door. You do not need the hassle.

Paul.

[Bethy]

Love what the fab "Rev Cat" has already said ( her posts are always brilliant:-) ) but also wanted to suggest that you see if the hospital have a BC support group. I was fortunate and did, it was good to share fears and achievements with those who knew exactly what you were going through. It felt very safe. On a positive note... 4.5 years on and I haven't been to group for 3 years but now have 3 very close friends whom I met there.
You will get there....look after yourself .Bethy x

[applestreet]

Big hugs to you and lots of virtual hand holding in this difficult time...

[Guest user]

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Pamx

[June_BCC]

Hello I Want to Live

As well as all the support you are receiving from other users maybe you could call our free helpline and have a chat to one of the staff there who can offer practical information as well as emotional support. The free phone number is 0808 800 6000 and the lines are open Monday to Friday 9.00 to 5.00 and Saturday 10.00 to 2.00.

Best wishes

June, moderator

[RevCat]

Hello from me, too.
Firstly, have you looked back and seen how far you have already come - from the terrified woman who did not want to have surgery, to the woman who is now getting herself ready to face further treatment. You have already conquered some serious 'mountains' and will conquer the next ones too.

I agree with Supertrouper, both from personal experience and from my observations of others as part of my work. Like Chascat I worked all through my chemo, and was pleased to do so precisely because it gave me some structure and hope; I found the time off after my surgey (which I had after chemo) harder as it was easy to become aimless. Just plan in things that are readily achievable - go for a 30 minute walk round the block, read a chapter of a novel, hoover one carpet, bake a cake, paint your nails... it will probably make you feel better about yourself.

As far as the finances are concerned, why not speak to HR at work and also see if there is a MacMillan adviser conected with your hospital, as they are up on the latest advice.

Big hugs and hope you find some light at the end of this tunnel soon.

[chascat]

Hi I want to live
I'm with Supertrouper too, I know it's hard when cancer occupies your every waking moment but a degree of normality is a big help. I returned to work after surgery and worked through chemo until number 5 (appreciate not everyone is able to) which helped both emotionally and financially, I went back to work 6 weeks after rads finished and therefore never lost any pay. I have a 5 year old daughter and got up every day to take her to school and picked her up from school, I'm not saying it was easy but it was for the best. Yes there were times I did just veg on the sofa, or have a meltdown - a lot of times, and we lived off convenience food, but for me too much time with my thoughts was dangerous so opted to try and keep busy and keep my thoughts at bay x

[dib]

Hi I want to live,the ladies before me have said it all,this is a time when you are entitled to put yourself and your own feelings first.I n general,certainly not all men,but most,tend to be a little selfish and need to be mollycoddled and put first,some even get jealous when you give more attention to your children than you do to them!It sounds like your man is reacting to not being the most important thing in your life right now.,please don't let his comments get you down,you need to take care of yourself,he needs to grow up and support you,not pull you down even further..Good luck and I pray you will come through all this torment sooner rather than later,
Big hugs,Di.x

[Kittyqueen]

Hello I Want To Live xxxx
Firstly big hugs and well done for saying exactly how you feel, better out than in as they say, and we all really do understand how you feel.
Personally I agree with Supertrouper, trying to keep my routine and life as 'normal' as possible through treatment worked for me. Yes, I was very tired at night but found it better to be active during the days even when I'd had chemo sessions...had a nap..then found something to do...the mind is a strange thing and wanders everywhere when not occupied.
You are certainly not a dosser...you've had a shock diagnosis and are entitled to be scared and emotional, but it really does get better when you have a treatment plan and know exactly what you are facing.
Wishinh you all ther very best x
KQ

[mangochutney]

I want to live, what your boyfriend doesn't understand, and its actually only occurred to me since my treatment finished in June this year, is that the emotional trauma of having breast cancers is far worse than anything it throws at you physically. We are all used to dealing with physical illness. Symptoms we can see, treat and deal with. But emotionally it's tough. It's quite a lonely place. Only you know how that feels. Nobody else can see it, therefore on the surface they assume you're ok.
Could you maybe sit down with your boyfriend, maybe go out for lunch or something, and try to explain how you are feeling? How scared you are and how much pain you're in emotionally? You've got a tough journey ahead of you and you're going to need all the love and support you can get along the way and beyond.
And remember, you can always come on here and vent your feelings. Every single one of us know exactly what you are going through and how you feel.
Wishing you the very best of luck with your treatment.
Keep in touch
Mandy xxx

[horsie5050]

I agree with supertrouper...cyber hugs...xxxxxx

[supertrouper]

Hello - just wanted to chip in with my thoughts. I have had days when I didn't want to get up and my OH just let me stay in bed. In my opinion - staying in bed made me feel worse. I feel much better if I get up before 9 in the morning and I sleep better at night.
I know some of the ladies on here are incouraging you to have "duvet days" but I am suggesting that you "might" feel better with a more normal routine. I know I do. Having said that, I have a day off tomorrow supposedly to get up early and finish the Christmas shopping - I've had a very self indulgent evening of watching old movies and drinking cider and now have thoughts in my head of sleeping in. Maybe I will, but if I wake up early I will get up and make the most of the day.
Hope you wake up really feeling more positive x

[Mals970]

Hi I want to live,
I wonder if your boyfriend needs some counselling. However Emylou is right- you need to be selfish right now and being selfish is not a bad thing- it's about self survival and your body and minds way of healing itself. The reason I say what I say about your boyfriend is because sometimes men have a strange way of showing stress. Maybe I'm generalising so apologies to any men reading this - I will correct myself- some men find it hard to talk about how they are feeling and what is concern can sometimes be mis-read as being selfish. Maybe he just can't face what is happening to you and feels helpless so when he tells you that you look well and asks why you are having a lie in its because he just cant accept that you are going through this. Having said all that you need to find someone or somewhere where you can rant and have duvet days and get support for yourself. This is a good place and although it must have been stressful going back to work it sounds as though work were understanding too. Work sounded like they were protecting you rather than trying to get rid of you. Try not to think about whether you will be fit enough to go back to work. I know it's hard but take each hurdle at a time and get some benefits advice so you can tick off the money worry from your list. Take care
Mals

[tracyld]

Well I could think of some choice words for him !! BUT we know that the Cancer makes us all, partners, friends and family scared out of our wits so try and ignore the harsh comments. Hopefully your bf does not mean it . They are just worried about you and want you to survive exactly the same as you. Remember your Forum Name.... I want to Live !! Learn to say NO and be mindful ofall that you do and say .Be positive as this will breed positive thoughts as well.
Sending you my love and healing thoughts. Tracy xxx

[Emylou9]

Hi I want to live, you are NOT a dosser, you have cancer ffs!! You are entitled to feel crap, stay in bed all day and feel sorry for yourself and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You will get through all of this and come out he other side but it is hard and it's normal to feel like you do. I'm sure your boyfriend and friend care about you and love you but they may not understand, so you need to be selfish right now and love yourself and don't feel guilty about it!! We're here for you too, all the women on this forum who know what you are going through. Sending you a big hug, X

[Caroline60]

I want to live. I am sorry you are feeling very low emotionally. Does your hospital have a counselling service?
Please also phone the BCC helpline as the staff on the end of the phone are brilliant. Also please phone Mac Millan Cancer as the Nurses will help you with information on how to claim benefits etc if this is needed. Maybe give your partner some information on BC as it may help him understand the condition. Especially after surgery, you do have good and bad days. I call my bad days duvet days - which I personally and physically need as it is - as i see it as part of the healing process.
Please speak to the ladies on this site.

[Guest user]

I managed to go back to work after my first WLE, when I was praying that the treatment would be just that and Radiotherapy and Tamoxifen. That was September.
Then October I was told I was multifocal and 3 cm and it was now mastectomy anc chemo. I didn't have the mastectomy in the end, I hope another WLE has been enough. But I am now due for chemo on 28 Dec.
I was off sick with stress because I am terrified and miserable. My boyfriend said I was skiving because I was physically well. Also I am worried because my full pay runs out in April but treatment lasts till June so I tried to go back and I thought it would be a distraction. I went back for a few days, was too upset and was told by management to go home until treatment is over. So I'm worried I will be got rid of even after treatment if it works because I can't handle the fear of recurrence and secondaries. I've been stressed in the past at work about money and stuff. I am spiralling backwards and getting into trouble again. I've lost my future.
Some days I cry at home, others I mange to be almost normal. My boyfriend called me a dosser. He expects me to run an errand into town for him on Friday because he says he doesn't have time because he works 6 days a week and has half an hour lunch. He was really angry on the phone. He says I am watching daytime telly. I'm not. He says I have been bad to him and behaved appallingly. On Saturday early morning I woke up crying. He said I was disturbing his sleep when he had to work. He tried to touch me, I slapped him away. I thought he was trying it on, he said he was trying to comfort me. When he got up he said "Enjoy your f***ing lie-in". He says I am making a fuss because they said the cancer is treatable, and the cold cap gives a 70% chance of keeping your hair. He says it is my fault I can't cope at work. He says I am pi**ing people off. One time I did snap at someone but it was only once. People tell me to be positive but I tried being hopeful and look what that got me.
My friend's 17 year old cat died of natural causes 2 weeks before I was diagnosed. I could understand she was upset but then it got superceded. Sometimes she is jealous if I go out with my boyfried or visit his family if I am only up to visiting her in her house and not going out with her. She said I hope the world does end on 21 Dec just because of her cat and two step relatives of her partner who she wasn't close to died. She says she is upset about me as well, which I think is true and sometimes she does try to comfort me. I feel her priorities are wrong.
Some days I am so down I don't want to get up because when I am asleep I don't know I have cancer then. I have tranquillisers, helplines, a cancer psychologist. But I still keep breaking down.