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My partners leaving

196 REPLIES 196
Sam_BCC
Member

Re: My partners leaving

We are now going to close this thread as it is no longer offering support.

If anybody want to discuss any issues related to or linked to breast cancer, such as the break down of a relationship etc., please continue to do so by starting a new thread.

Kind regards

Sam
BCC Facilitator

knowles
Member

Re: My partners leaving

How come you are still reaidng this thread Jules??

lilacblushes
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Apologies for my mistake

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Lilac!! I did say I wouldnt post on here again but I must say that is exactly what I did do wrote to her PRIVATELY in a really nice way so not to offend. She chose to bring it onto the forums, I did not want or need this.

maryfrod
Member

Re: My partners leaving

fully agree,I would appreciate any one telling me if had offended them giving me the chance to defend my opinion

lilacblushes
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Dare I be so bold as to suggest that in order to avoid such a situation again that if a member is upset or offended by the wording or the tone of someone's post they approach the person via PM and not by a post that is there on the board for others to read.

nightowl
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi everyone
I think the point has been missed here. The original complaint was about the bad language used in the post, not the content, it was not personal, I do not find such language offensive, however, I realise that some people do and they have a right to say so if they wish. It has all got too personal now and is causing distress to all involved. We have all, on this site, been affected by breast cancer in one way or another and I do not feel that anyone should be made to feel that they have to leave the site because they are deemed to be over sensitive or that their problems are not valid. The point of this site is to support each other not attack each other.

debbi
Member

Re: My partners leaving

there you go again,getting personal,Who spit there dummy out because no one agrees with them?It isnt about that its about the way they are saying things,please go and look on the message jules has put on the benign page and then read comments again,a lot of them are personally about jules,hey ,I feel for chrissie,I too have had an abusive marriage and now I have had cancer,life is c**p for all of us at some point and I havnt always found this site supportive,even more so when things like this go on,I find it more stressful than a help,there is a definite click going on,on this site,well all stick together,but I think you are singling jules out,I dont care if anyone agrees with me or not or else I would not have put my comments on would I?

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I haven't posted on this thread before because I haven't experienced a partrner leaving me and felt there were better qualified people than me to respond and give support. However I have read the last few comments and feel they are less to do with Chrisie's partner leaving her and more to do with censoring threads which individuals find distasteful and I personally find this uncomfortable. I happen to agree with Cathy and Emily Jane on this one. My guess is that all the women using this forum are under enormous pressure, mostly because they have a diagnosis of cancer and are actuelly living through the repercussions of that diagnosis. I am aware that there are some women who have been given a non cancer diagnosis who wish to remain on the forum in order to give support and help to others. I have no problem with that.. What I personally find distasteful is women who tend to spit their dummy when others don't agree with their views.This illness is so life threatening and treatments can be so debilitating that we don't need to fall out amongst ourselves> We need to support and accolade each individual effort and if we disagree then remain silent.
Just personal thoughts
Trish

lilacblushes
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I have to say that I totally agree with Emily-Jane and Julie. I would also like to draw to the attention of others that there have been several threads on this site which have been opened because someone is having problems at work or in a relationship, or with their children or whatever - indeed only last week a lady posted about whether to take legal action against those slandering her.... no-one at any ppint jumped up and down shouting 'this is not cancer related' and quite rightly so. Some members of this site do not have loving husbands or friends living close by who they can turn to with their problems and as such they rely on the support of faceless internet posters to advise when they have a problem (not that I am saying that anyone who's posted on here with a non-cancer issue is friendless).

I am sorry that Jules has taken people comments to heart here and decided that she is being hounded and bullied. As previously said we are all entitled to our opinion, indeed Jules has said as much herself. I feel it is unfair that accusations of bullying have had to be thrown into the ring as this only ever forces people to feel they need to take sides and inevitably people get hurt.

Julie22
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I don't really think people are having a dig at Jules 1964 at all. I think it was more a case of supporting someone, who originally thought she might possibly have breast cancer, and then the relationship side came into it. It's fabulous that so far for Chrissie it has proved to be benign, but initially she didn't know, just like many others who come on here for support, and I just thinking sniping at people chases them away from support when they need it. You see many threads on here and you don't necessarily agree with people's comments, but at the end of the day we should be supporting people, not having a go at them. I've made jokey comments when I was posting regarding my liver scare, although maybe nothing that was deemed inappropriate, but had someone made me feel guilty or made me feel I'd said the wrong thing I would probably have never posted again.

To Emily-Jane,

Now one thing that is appropriate is your comment about multiple spokes, it's just so true. However, this disease touches us, whether it embraces us fully under it's black cloak, or just skims over the tops of our heads, we all need support.

Best wishes to you all out there.

Julie x

debbi
Member

Re: My partners leaving

well jules 1964 is not entitled to her opinion without people having digs at her and now she wants to leave the site and has posted on benign page

EmilyJane
Member

Re: My partners leaving

debbi -I am glad you posted. You are right, this is a place where everyone's opinion is valued.

.....breast cancer is not an isolated disease. If you can look at it as a hub, you would see multiple spokes reaching out from it...

it affects your relationship with your OH, the relationship with your kids, your family, your work, your friends......

The beauty of this site is that we walk with each other through the worst of it and celebrate the best of it.

Emily
xxx

debbi
Member

Re: My partners leaving

i have to put a comment,cant hold back any longer,firstly i am sorry chrissie that you have had a rough time of it lately,but I dont agree with most of the above that this does not belong on chit chat and fun,no its not fun but surely it is chat as hardly ever have I heard anyone mention cancer,just relationship problems and everyone having digs at your ex,and jules1964,this is serious for you ,yes but i am sure half of the things you are saying to people should have been sent in private as this is a cancer help site and not a relationship site.sorry,but like you all keep saying everyone can put their points across and this is mine,you are actually putting people off here who do need cancer support and thats not fair.

dawnflower
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chrissie

Please post and tell us your escapades, we will miss you if you don't. I read the 'controversial' post and for what it's worth, my view is that you said it like it is. Perhaps this is not exactly CCF as you have had very real concerns and fears about many things, there is a category for benign breast conditions. I'm not bothered where you post personally, I'll find it whereever you are.

Keep up the good work on appearance and getting self confidence back...if only I could transmit some of mine to you.

Dawnflower xxxxx

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chrissie - I do hope all this support shown to you is helping and perhaps you should put it back where it belongs.

with love and hugs

Liz xx

EmilyJane
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I agree with you Cathy. This thread does not belong among word games or pubs - it is rock serious.

And the fact that Chrissie found out that her tumor was benign should be a cause for celebration rather than a disqualification, no? I didn't understand that. Actually, I just started to read this thread this morning as I was wandering about the CCF.

I think that it has been said already, so my two cents won't matter. But the people who are writing on this forum are individuals under an enormous amount of stress, pain, mental and emotional hardship. Keep in mind that we only know what they tell us of their situations...they might be going through much more than we can see. We never know what folks are really going through.

Anyway, perhaps the moderators will switch it back to newly diagnosed with breast cancer now?

Either way, I am so happy for you Chrissie that you have pulled through!

Emily
xxx

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi Chrissie

I agree with others that this thread doesn't belong on the chit chat and fun thread. Its content is far too serious for such a lighthearted thread. Chrissie tells of domestic violence and mental abuse amongst other issues which certainly dont sound like chit chat and fun to me. To move it at the whim and request of one sensitive individual is belittling and detracts from the original content. It deserves a more appropriate thread.

lilacblushes
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chrissie - so sorry that your thread has turned it a bit of skirmish here. I have to say that I have did not feel offended by the tone of your posts and I have followed this thread from the start. The thread, I feel, was started in the correct catagory as you were indeed waiting to find out if you had BC when you started it but unfortunately for you there was the added stress of the relationship break-up to contend with at the same time - ok perhaps the thread did move on with the emphasis more on the relationship side when you were given the good news that your lump was benign, but it's not the 1st thread to have deviated from the original topic and I'm sure it won't be the last.

From reading your posts I took you to be a down to earth person who says it as she sees it and perhaps this is not to everyones taste but I believe that we are all entitled to express ourselves in our own way on here. It goes without saying that everyone on here is under some form of stress being it waiting to find out if you have breast cancer, knowing you have breast cancer or knowing someone who has breast cancer and all have an equal right to express themselves as they see fit. On here, as in all things in life, people will disagree with each other but we have to respect that we are not all the same, views will differ and how we express ourselves will differ too, that is not to say anyone is right and anyone is wrong in how they react - perhaps we just need to respect that people will say or write things that we do not agree with and move on.

maryfrod
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chrissie- I am so pleased you are moving on,I responded earlier in your thread,so can fully understand what it is like to have a bad relationship.I truly hope your op goes well and you can find the happiness you deserve,however I have to say I am not a prude by any stretch and your comments did not offend me,but I think you have to be mindful of the reader and other ladies on this site who are not as open minded.I do hope you keep us posted and I do think that this thread does not belong in CCF

Jules- I appreciate the fact that you tried to keep your question private but whilst we are all have our opinions,and you and I have disagreed in the past,I think at times you need to lighten up and not get so emotional about things

olivia07
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chris - I really enjoyed reading your posts and the replies - really underlines that we girls have balls and I am very proud of you. If I win the lottery I'll pay off your mortgage. Keep in touch and ignore any criticism.

lindsyloo
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi there

it is sad that this thread has become so personal and public, I believe Jules tried to keep her opinions private, and everyone has a right to an opinion, I personally try to keep my posts which are usually few and far between to fact and not get into a personal debate.

Everyone on here is here because of a personal trauma in regards to breast cancer and for that I am grateful for the advice and support that has been given and continues to be given, it is however a Breast Cancer support group which I undertstood to be for people needing support for that. I have to agree with Jules that some of the posts have been distastful at times, and I admit that I am bit of a prude, but I do not feel anyone should attack another for an opinion that they hold, and casue them undue upset.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chris - please keep posting. As you can see you have a lot of support here. To be honest I can be a bit of a prude (some people wouldn' t agree !) but I didn't find your posting crude at all. It was how you felt. So come on - we need the next installment !

Went to bed (eventually) last night worried about you because you hadn't posted back but glad you had when I logged on this morning.

Lots of love and hugs to you.

Liz xxx

Julie22
Member

Re: My partners leaving

To Cathy

Couldn't agree more. As this site alone proves, life is too short and too precious to have to constantly watch your Ps and Qs. To be honest when someone starts a thread of any sort on these forums you're looking for an answer, or support, or to off load a few of your cares and worries, otherwise what would be the point.

I had a liver scare a few months back, major, major panic when they found two patches on liver, where they said liver metastases couldn't be excluded. Longest 3 weeks of my life, until found to be cyst and haemangioma. I have to have it monitored every 6 months. Anyway one of the girls on the secondary site kept me sane, but alot of that was through laughter, and it was that joking and chat that kept me going. It was a godsend, and that's what us girls do best, support each other.

So Chris, get back on this site and keep us up to date.

Julie x

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

When I first came onto the forums one of the most refreshing aspects that I found was the freedom to say what you want. I agree there are subjects and areas that can be offensive and in very bad taste but to date, I have found nothing of that ilk on here. It would be a very sad day indeed when forums which are designed to allow people to express their concerns in the style and custom they feel most comfortable with, are policed and restrictive. Often when people write on here, they are highly emotional and they write as if they are actually talking to someone in the same room. If they then have to edit their inner most thoughts to ensure that it conforms to certain standards, then this may be in danger of discouraging people to really open up and say what they feel. This to my mind, is far more concerning than worrying about "smutty talk".

belinda
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I'm sorry you felt you had to move your thread Chris, I've only just noticed it but agree with Julie22 a sense of humour can keep you sane.. (I've been living with mets since 2003 and a sense of humour has been vital at times!) My Very Best Wishes to you ....x

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Thank you ladies your nice Private Messages on here and lovely messages on FB. And I was far from alone in my opinion.

When I first posted about my mum. I read the forums quite alot before I posted and the reason I joined was because I felt it was a nice place with, but I felt it has been brought down to gutter level and yes that did offend me! And I am entitled to my opinion. Anyway unless anyone particularly attacks me and I hope they won't I won't be back on this thread to post again.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi Chrissie

You certainly haven't offended me - I am made of sterner stuff than to be offended at a bit of banter. Like you say, don't read the forum if its too racey and to be honest, I dont find what you have said particularly offensive. As far as I am aware, we are all adults, so presuambly conversation in an adult format is not a problem. Personally, I don't care what particular thread these topics are on. There are all sorts of issues talked about on these threads, many of them that have absolutely no relation to BC - many are them indeed about personal issues going on in peoples lives where they want to offload their worries and get sound advice as you have. I wouldnt want to see it any other way as this man has clearly caused you a lot of grief and you have needed help and support as we all do. Some people perhaps voice their concerns in a more serious manner but the fact you are making light of your worries doesnt detract from the fact that you are as vulnerable and sensitive as us all and should be treated with the same respect and kindness as others expect to be treated. I will continue to read your threads with interest!

Cathy
x

EmilyJane
Member

Re: My partners leaving

chris-
good for you girl!!! have just discovered your thread now that it is in CCF. Personally, I don't believe it fits in here.
You have had a very hard road to travel...and I am really proud of our fellow members for giving you such support.

While it is colorful, I didn't find your posts offensive. More likely, you are so relieved to be free of him and getting on with your life, that there aren't exprressions enough in this world to describe how you feel!!

So, what are your next steps????

Emily
xxx

Julie22
Member

Re: My partners leaving

To Chris

Don't let other peoples' comments get to you!. You aired your comments in a comical way, maybe one or two were close the knuckle, so what!! You've been through a distressing time in life and you're allowed to let off steam, and as you say other people on this site have helped you through that. We all need to laugh about the shitty situations we sometimes find ourselves in, it's either that or explode sometimes. I've been through bilateral mastectomies for lobular breast cancer, whilst I was in the middle of my divorce, a hysterectomy two years later, more money troubles that I care to mention, as have most divorcees, and both my parents are dead, my Mum from liver cancer, and believe me if I hadn't have had a sense of humour, (an extremely black one at times), I think I would have gone mad. Other people are entitled to their opinions, it doesn't mean you have to concern yourself over them. From one Julie who wasn't offended.

Julie x

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Morning Girls
I'm going to attempt to move this thread to chit chat and fun so Jules can avoid HAVING to read my messages! I apologize if I have offended anyone other than her.
Hugs to you all
Chris

dawnflower
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi Chrissie

Just read the posts over the last 24 hours, great to hear that you enjoyed the painting and that locks have been changed...WELL DONE YOU!

I was pleased to read that you are taking time over your appearance, to me that says that you are feeling brighter and hopefully more confident?

Keep happy

Dawnflower xxxxx

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Thank you again Nightowl (Do you never sleep) lol

I probably come across as a misery guts. Half the reason I still use the site is because I found such support when I had my eight weeks of hell, and I think it would be very selfish of me to think thanks guys you got me through the rough patch I am off now without giving something back.

I know I am limited because I don't have cancer but there are certain subjects recently that have come up and because of my mum and also a friend who has bc, (both not on this site), but there subjects I know about through them and tried to give support to the ladys in question.

I think the sudden death of poor Lisa has shook the whole forum to a core, and I guess people deal with things in different ways.

I am delighted that Chrissie has had the all clear so quickly, I would hate for anyone to have to go through the weeks I had so regarding your good news Chrissie I am like everyone else on here thrilled for you.

Thanks Nightowl for understanding and not attacking me for saying how I am feeling.

Jules xxxxxx

nightowl
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi Jules

Just to let you know you are not alone in your distress about poor Lisa and her family. I too have been reading about Lisa and I was really shocked when she lost her fight. I left a small note of condolence to her family but I must say I found it very difficult to express how I felt and rewrote it several times because everything I put sounded inadequate.

I wonder if it would be better if the site had a specific area for condolences or memorials so that people could pay their respects and express their feelings, for it is without a doubt that many people feel that they need to express their feelings in such instances.

I do hope that you feel a little better soon and that no one upsets you further for having an opinion about colourful language, which without doubt does cause offense to some people

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Thank you so much for you kind words Nightowl.

Too be honest I have been really upset over the last week after hearing about poor Lisa's death, and I guess I found it in bad taste for sexual comments and jokes being made in one thread and I found it very offensive (and was not alone in that view). At the same time as the condolences thread has been here.

I feel so so badly for poor Lisa's mum and I suppose I am old fashioned in my views and think at a time like this we should be being very dignified and respectful. But infact this is the one week it has been crude. It is just the way I have been brought up I guess. I am by no means a prude, but I do think there is a time and a place for being crude and smutty and in my view this certainly is not the place. I was trying to be tactful getting the thread moved, but now I wish I had been honest and admitted from the start I found it in bad taste.

I am sure I am not the only one who has been affected by Lisa's death. I might not have known her but I became very fond of her and think about her, Sue and Simon every day. I have told the girls on fb that I have been really affected by what has happened to Lisa. Infact just writing this now has brought to a tear to my eye.

Jules xxx

nightowl
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi
I have been following this thread from the beginning and have not felt the need to comment before, however, first of all I would like to let Chrissy know how pleased I am that she does not have BC and that she is managing to sort her life out. Secondly, I would like to say to Jules, please do not be upset you have a right to your opinion just the same as everyone else and if you are offended by something you have the right to say so. We are all going through stressful times and that is why we are on this forum in the first place and the last thing we want is for the forums to add to that stress either by causing offense or attacking each other.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

To be honest Dawn it was my polite way of asking her to keep the messages to a less smutty fashion, but I didn't want to actually say that as was trying to be tactful!

God I wish I had come straight out with it now and said I found it inappropriate RATHER THAN could she change it to general chat!!!!

I really think some of the topics are crude and well not what I would expect to find on a website for bcc, but there you go!

I guess it will be lets have a go at "jules now" for daring to say something that others were thinking.

I guess I will get up to tons of messages because I found something offensive and will be ripped into. Why are people not allowed to voice there opinion on this site without others ganging up, it beats me it really does. And please don't say that won't happen as I have watched it happen to other people. But please remember I have got alot of stress going on in my life too, which does include a mother with lobular cancer and a daughter with depression who has been at one point suicidal.

Oh and my message to Chrissie was very polite, I think people know me well enough to know I am not rude or hurtful.

dawnhc
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Good grief - if the Moderators here didn't object to 'marmite motorway' references in the Undergoing Treatment - Chemotherapy forum I can't see them turning a hair over Chrissie's comments about her ex!!!

Where would you stop! should they throw people off 'Have I Got BC' forum once they are told they haven't? If posters don't have bc but are here because family or friends have, should they be restricted to the Family & Friends forum?

I really think issues like this should be taken up with the Moderators in the first instance and not from one member to another even it is in a private message. I think that can be very hurtful when people are going thru a stressful time.

dawnhc

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I think the title 'My partners leaving' hopefully won't apply to most of you, so why read and and feel the need to comment ? My GP on giving me my happy pills told me to cut out the dead wood and anyone negative around me, which I'm doing. This site has always been a safe haven for me where I could say and feel as I want.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I totally agree with you chrissie, hence there is a chit chat topic thread for humour and light hearted fun.

The "Have I got Breast cancer Thread" in my opinion is for serious matters.

But it is a forum and its my opinion. I am sure there will be others who will agree with you and others that will agree with me.

And your correct I have never posted before on your thread. An older lady who I speak to on here spoke to me earlier about the posting about your ex "emptying his ball bags" as she found it quite offensive and I read it myself and could see her point and felt I had to say something. I am afraid I tend to do that lol if someone finds something upsetting or distressing in any walks of life I will usually jump in and do/say something. But I do admit often have to bite my tongue on here.

As I said before I don't want to get into an argument. I have a mother with cancer, a daughter with severe depression and waiting to find out if I have MRSA in my wound after surgery. Still also getting over the anxiety of my cancer scare. I had no choice my lump was removed as they couldn't rule out cancer, so its been quite a tough time. So have quite alot on my plate myself too.

It was just a polite message to you by private message. Wasn't supposed to get into a debate on the forums.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I'm fine. You Liz have been great xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Jules- So sorry you find my comments offensive. The girls who HAVE posted have given me humour in times of great sadness to which I will always be grateful! Maybe it would be best if you don't read my thread just as you would turn over a TV station if you found that offensive! Some of us find that humour is the only way to get through such things, some of us don't!
Chris

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chrissie - you've gone quiet - are you okay? x

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I just don't personally think there is a need to start being crude, and I know I am not the only person who thinks this. But I just happened to be the one who commented on it.

There are fun threads for fun topics and its good to be light hearted, I know that but there is a time and a place. I have tried in vain to get my mum to come onto the site to get support for her cancer, and I know for a fact if I did manage to get her on and she read things like that she would not come back again!!!!

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I think by reading the comments from the start we all found humour for Chrissie in rob the nob which I think helped her through the last week.

I followed your thread Jules and also commented a few times and everybody was behind you. I am sure Chrissie didn't mean to offend anybody.

Liz x

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

I have asked them myself. I am not trying to be picky but I found some of the things said tonight well offensive and crude. I am not a prude but there is a time and a place for everything.

And yes I do understand the relief, I waited eight weeks to find out whether I had cancer as alot of you know, but I did not come onto the forum and start discussing my sex life in details. If that makes me a prude I am sorry.

I certainly was not trying to start an argument hence I politely asked chrissie in a private message.

My mum has an MRI scan on Friday to find out if her Cancer has spread and to be honest I am pretty worried and treat this site as a comfort zone.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Chrissie - Would the moderator decide where the thread should be now maybe? You could ask them.

to be honest I never look under which headings the threads are under as I look at the title of the discussion - but thats me. I am glad that we have been here for you over the weeks and all of us who have been behind you really applaud you for getting rid of rob and going through the worry of whether you had breast cancer or not and thankfully it was good news. I am sure Jules understands that relief.

Liz x

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Oh I thought you had had the all clear and this had turned into a chat thread. Your post did say it was benign and they were taking it out by your choice.

I guess maybe its me but I think this is a serious site with serious issues, and when I read your posting about "your partner emptying his ball bags for sex" quite frankly I found it offensive.

My mum has cancer, I have had a lump myself and only just got over surgery and while I think being light hearted is good, I do think there is a time and a place for the comments. Sorry but my opinion, hence I politely asked you if you would mind changing to the chit chat section.

We must remember there are some very ill ladys on this site. I did ask you politely about changing it in a pm, but I feel I have to answer now as you have posted in front of the whole forum.

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Hi Jules Reading back I see you haven't posted before. Whilst I wake every morning feeling spared, my life is not FUN at the moment and the girls who've posted have seen me through this. (I do still have the op and 2nd biopsy to go through) I think the girls who've given me so much help and advice should decide if they wish me to move this to fun and chitchat don't you?
Chris

ForumMember
Member

Re: My partners leaving

Oh thank god !!!!! Great xxxx