My relationship ultimately broke down

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My relationship ultimately broke down and my estranged husband cites the breast cancer diagnosis and it’s aftermath as a big contributing factor.

 

My breast cancer was diagnosed only three days after we married (I should have gone for my appointment the Friday morning of our marriage but I put it off until the following Monday).  We had just been accepted to prepare to adopt so it was all the more devastating.

 

In short, I had my treatment, WLE & SB, radiation and Tamoxifen, and our adoption plans got back on track (but that is another very long journey filled with problems). The children were placedand adopted by us but our marriage subsequently failed.

 

Very soon after the diagnosis I was painfully aware that my husbands concern was not for me but for what effect the diagnosis would have on our plans to adopt.  I already had grown up children and had been through ivf to give my second husband the child he wanted but had a miscarriage.

 

Something was not right and I checked the history on our computer to find that within an hour of him dropping me off at the hospital for the WLE, he had accessed seedy porn sites - I was hurt and angry but carried on.

 

I am very good at ignoring warning signs and carried on with the marriage and our  plans to adopt.

 

The physical relationship between us was always a problem and I spent most of our marriage feeling lonely, he was just not a tactile person and showed no emotion (how could he, when he had none shown to him as a child, but that’s another story).  He used to fall asleep every night on the settee and I would go to bed every night feeling lonely and anything but cherished.

 

I thought things would improve with time but they didn’t.  I thought that the surgery on my breast was to blame, I still don’t know if it was a contributing factor to the breakdown of our marriage but I suspect it was only part of the reason.

 

Eventually he told me that I just “didn’t float his boat!” - even then, although devastated, I continued with the relationship until one day, months and months afterwards, I turned to him and told him that he didn’t float my boat any more.  Well that was it, after years of enduring emotional pain from him, he was feeling rejection from me and he didn’t like it.

 

By this time we had adopted two children and I swear that until I heard his response “well we might as well separate then”, I had never considered it as an option as I already had one failed marriage and didn’t want another.

 

Our main concern now is the children and we are both working towards making sure they are alright.  They had a very troubled start in life and although we can still be good parents to them albeit separately, we have added to their problems somewhat, but better to be apart and friends then living together for their sake and hating each other.

 

I have moved on now and have a relationship with a wonderful guy who makes me feel cherished.  He accepts my health problems and my body, scarred through breast cancer and having children and I definitely do ‘float his boat’.

 

I am seven weeks post op after having a hysterectomy and bilateral salpingo-oophrectomy to reduce the chances of the breast cancer coming back (strong family history of it).  My initial treatment was nearly six years ago.

 

Am I the only one who’s relationship failed following breast cancer?

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Hi Yonyon,

 

No you are definitely not alone.

 

I know that a great many husbands/partners have been really supportive which is very heartwarming to hear but it’s very sad for those that don’t. It certainly sorts the men from the boys.

 

Unhappily, I come in the second category. After a 14 year relationship with someone I thought would be there for me through the worst of times as well as the good times only to be told in a text message the day after my op (Feb 12) that he didn’t want to know anymore. The op was a mastectomy and lymph node clearance on the left side. I had been very positive up until then, thinking I had his support, but for him to do that has left me very emotionally scarred. He hadn’t got the guts to come and tell me in person. All I can say that the he is a coward of the worst kind.

 

His actions have made me very insecure and made me lose all my self-worth. Without the help of a wonderful counselor I believe I would have had a complete breakdown. I know that I will never be able to trust a man ever again because I had my love and trust broken in a text message. Who ever invented the mobile phone has a lot to answer for.

 

Enough of my moaning.  I know my situation is different to yours but as I said you are definitely not alone.  It’s lovely to hear that you have found a good man and I wish you all the best for the future.

 

Lots of hugs and warm wishes,

 

Helen xx

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Hi, no your not the only one who’s relationship has broken down.

I’ve been with my husband for 25yrs and supported him though his health issues(mental health.)

 

mine it started the day I was diagnosed, your sitting their been told that you have cancer and I don’t know how you reacted but me? I stayed calm took as much of the information in as I could and when we came out of the consultants room the very first thing my husband said was-bugga! No more holidays for a while which made me cringe.

I am by nature a very strong person and I take everything on the chin but he consonantly puts me down, we’ve never really spoken about any of my treatment and the effect that it has had on ME!   I have seen a very different side to him which has only gotten worse over the last 5yrs, I feel as though I’m at a cross road in my life, My marriage in my eyes is over we sleep in separate rooms, we don’t speak unless we have to so not a good atmosphere at all and at the minute I feel as  though I’m on the wrong side of 50(58 at Xmas)my job  is also going down hill due to the current situation so I’m trying really hard to stay positive. my biggest fear is that I will now loose my home,job and husband, so no your not alone. I do have a strange humour which seems to have got me through not only my treatment but also my whole life. :smileyhappy: Dee

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I was with my husband for 29 years. First diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002. Then secondary breast cancer in bone 2007. By 2009 he was having a affair. He didn’t tell me just was really horrible to me. After 3 months of putting up with his treatment he left and divorced me with no financial agreement. I tried to reason with him so at least I could see a way forward for myself and my 18 year old. It ended up with having to go to court and this year I sold the house and downsized to my own home. I am still on ongoing treatment and hoping for some good news this week so that I can have just a break from all this treatment. My ex husband has never helped my son out and they do not have a good relationship. I still feel really let down and it still hurts going for treatment week in week out and seeing others having support from their partners. I found myself a part time job 2 years ago so with some benefit have survived and my son is second year of uni. I would love to meet someone new and although have had dates nothing lasts long. It would be great to know if anyone has found happiness after divorce while living with cancer, I wish you well and maybe you and your partner can overcome this affair. She is not a good person just someone who only cares about themselves. To have a affair with a married man is bad enough, but one who’s wife has cancer has to be lowest type of person. My ex is still with this woman and looks really ill. He chain smokes’ lost his job and drinks in excess, I find the whole thing sad but know I have to be the strong parent so my son continues to succeed.

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I have read some very sad posts on this site,but I think this thread is possibly the saddest,when my wife was diagnosed in january 2012 i was devastated,and did everything I possibly could to try and help comfort her,to read you Ladies didn’t get the same Love and support is just so sad,to be honest it made me cry (don’t any of you ever tell anyone i am supposed to be a tough steelworker)

I do so hope you Ladies can move on in your lives,and leave the sad acts behind remember, if they could do what they did to you when you were at your lowest point well they DON’T DESERVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE. 

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Hi Yonyon,

Newbie here!

So sorry to hear of your relationship problems.

I was diagnosed with multiple invasive Lobular carcinomas in Feb 2011, had right mastectomy with immediate reconstruction (‘balloon’ implant), chemo and radiotherapy.  I didn’t lose my hair (cool cap) but have very unsymmetrical breasts.  I am scheduled for an uplift to the remaining breast and my surgeon is going to replace my implant as it has hardened due to the radiotherapy and is very uncomfortable and, I feel, unsightly.  He feels this to be an unnecessary operation and that the radiotherapy will return the new implant to its hardened state, but I want to try anyway.

My husband was an absolute rock during my treatment, and our sex life soon returned to normal (despite my feeling a little underconfident) and remains good.

In June of this year I discovered my husband has been having an affair.  I confronted his mistress, who told me it has been going on for 3 years (my husband says 1 year).  All of his family have accepted her, especially his grown-up children, who have never really accepted me, despite us being together for 23 years and them only being very young when we got together.  This woman made friends with my family and friends on Facebook, and I only accepted her friend request because of this.  I had no idea who she was or, indeed, her relationship with my husband.  I just thought she was a friendly ‘virtual’ friend.  I became a little suspicious, however, because she seemed to do all of the things I was doing (going to the same places on holiday, asking about where my husband and I got married (abroad) because she and her fiance planned to get married abroad too).  I told her too much information in reply to her private messages, until, finally, she posted some pictures of her and my husband together!  I couldn’t believe it!  The ‘fiance’ she had referred to is MY husband!

My husband eventually admitted the affair, and wants our marriage to work (he is no longer seeing her), but I feel so betrayed!  I veer between asking him to move out (he refuses) and for a divorce (which he doesn’t want) and feeling like we should maybe make a go of it.  He can’t give me any reason for his affair, says he ‘doesn’t know’ why he did what he did.  This woman is years older than me, not much to look at (I know that looks aren’t everything, of course!)  He lost him Mum just before my diagnosis and it’s almost as if this woman (who rents his late Mother’s house) is a type of Mother figure (with benefits!)  He also says that if we divorce we will have to split our assets and, separately, we may struggle (which is true).

I am in utter despair and am so worried about the effect that all this stress will have on my health.  I worry constantly that the cancer will come back, and often find myself alone at night (he works some nights) with a bottle of wine for company (I know I shouldn’t be doing this because of the cancer, but I can’t cope/sleep properly).

In addition, my husband isn’t too keen on my having any more surgery to the remaining healthy breast as I’ll lose any sensation in my remaining nipple, and he thinks it’s unnecessary and he likes my remaining breast.

Sorry for the long mail (It’s my first post), but can anyone give me any advice about this.  I feel as if I should be celebrating being cancer-free, but I’m weighed down by all of this.  It just doesn’t seem fair as other women are taken on world cruises or romantic weekends away after beating cancer, but I’m just stuck here worried about what he’s up to.  Please help and thanks in advance,

BevC