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My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

9 REPLIES 9
Molennium
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

the immaculate nails suggests to me a perfectionist who isn't going to want to think too much about disease and the physical disturbance of the body which breast cancer brings. It sounds a pretty lonely path to tread and it keeps you away from each other.

Personally I would bring things to a head - but for my own sake

Mole

Jo_BCC
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

Hi bfc3pne0

I am glad you're getting some support from these forums, the users have a wealth of information between them.

I have put for you below the link to one of BCC's publications that you may find useful. You are also more than welcome to use the helpline if you need someone to talk to in confidence, the helpline is not only for those diagnosed with breast cancer but family and friends too. Calls to the helpline are free 0808 800 6000 lines open Mon-Fri 9am-5pm and Sat 9am-2pm.

'In it together' link:
http://www.breastcancercare.org.uk/server/show/nav.718/changeTemplate/PublicationDisplay/publication...

I hope this helps. Kind regards,
Jo, Facilitator

everydaymatter
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

hi mommyw

your wife is probably wanting to forget the whole thing, and it does change your prospective and you just want to enjoy your life to the full.
maybe shes not worried about it as much as you think, and has just accepted her illness., and with having a supportive husband her life in other areas is good, so this makes life easier for her. which is a credit to you. with a good relationship which you seem to have, everything seems managable.
people around me also think i dont worry about it enough, but im not prepared to let this spoil my life and i bet your wife is the same .
i know it may be hard for you because you have your own concerns, and you do need to talk to someone, unfortunetly it doesnt sound like you can share it with your wife, so maybe the helpline would be a good start.

focus on the good times you can share, me and my hubby have so many outings together now, and dont waste a moment.
i wish you well x

thanet58
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

Hello my friend. My wife has been through the wringer with BC-2002, mastectomy, rad, 4 chemo regimes, 2ndary lung metastasis since , herceptin since 04 and other strength sapping side effects etc, never been to any support group/counselling either, but its told as it is to any one when needed. Her mental toughness is amazing too and it does overcome her physical woes, but it ain’t as easy as it seems to be - you know it in your heart. I literally passed out and was written off sick with a temporary ‘mental incapacity’ when we, SEE HOW IT BECOMES WE, found out the news, my girl just went back to work .The damnable BC can divide and conquer your relationship if you don’t watch it. The hurt you felt over your wife’s comment is part of the love in your partnership. Don’t feel guilty over your observation that it’s not your illness, it’s not, and that’s a fact. But it is part of the sharing of the load that BC burdens your relationship with. I would not hide anything – even if means having a row now and then, that’s normal! Don’t feel alone you’re not. A tip for pins and needles? Give her a good massage with some oils- heck! both of you indulge. Get back to me if you need. Rgds

mommyw
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

Hello

I am so sorry that you are having difficulties, you must been feeling very lonely and obviously very worried. I am the oposite of your wife - I talk to everybody who will listen to me but we are all different and cope in our own way. Have you talked to anyone at the breast care clinic or maybe go to your own doctor and ask for information and help in getting your wife to open up to you. She will be very scared at the moment and probably does not want you to suffer in the same way. I must admit that I talk to other people more than I do my hubby because he has a heart problem and I don't want to keep on about my troubles when he is worried about his own health.

Your wife will, I am sure, in time tell you how she is feeling. How about writing a letter to her telling her how upset and hurt you feel about not being able to share her emotions - it might work and she might find it easier to write down her feelings also.

Take care, keep positive.

Mommyw

elinda45
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

Hi there

I think it must be very difficult for you when you want to talk and your wife doesn't (the same as it would be the other way round). She has obviously decided that her way of coping is to get on with things and not discuss. It isn't my way of dealing with things but we are all different. I wonder has she always been that way about things?

With regard to her side effects there is little you can do if she doesn't want to seek help earlier. If you want to find out more you could start up a separate thread specifically on those side effects.

As someone else has said, your support is invaluable. I don't always thank my husband enough for his support which is often more about just being there, helping with practical things, and me knowing I can discuss things with him if I want to.

What I am a bit concerned about though is your emotional well-being and whether you feel you need to discuss more with someone else. As far as I am aware you can ring the breast cancer helpline and they may be able to advise where you get further support if you want it. I know there are support groups in our local areas for partners, carers etc. Perhaps you feel you need further counselling?

Her comment to you about it not being you who had BC is painful but understandable. I have felt so angry about my BC at times and thought no matter how supportive anyone else is being it is actually me who has the awful disease. 99% of the time though I really appreciate how much family and friends really go through the mill as well.

best wishes to you
Elinda x

bubbly
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

hi ther

Your wife is dealing with it the only way she knows as someone said we all deal with it differently. But please don't underestimate your role in this she able to do this beca\use she has you by her side. A big pat on the back for letting her do it her own way.

bfc3pne0
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

Thanks Daisy for your suggestion - post-counselling, I asked if she shared thoughts with any of her friends and she said no, she has only ever cried once (in front me) and that was after being given the news re likely reoccurrence. Very unlikely that she would do manicure but I will explore; her nails are immaculate.

daisy999
Member

Re: My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

Hello

I can't share any good tips to help her get rid of the pins and needles as I have not suffered from that, but a nice thing to do might be to book her a manicure/pedicure so that those areas are pampered rather than being body parts that hurt all the time?

Sorry to hear your wife has clammed up, I think BC is such a personal thing that we all deal with it in our own way. Me, I told the world and his wife and had a great circle of friends that really cared about me add on top of that a superstar husband and I was just fine mentally.

Does your wife have a best friend you could chat to?

Sorry I am not of much use, but hey, I tried!

Daisy xx

bfc3pne0
Member

My wife won't talk about her BC; need to 'talk'

My wife had a mastctmy 3 yrs ago with chemo/radio & has been a star throughout the whole journey. Stubborn as a mule & strong as an ox, she even went back to work during her chemo whilst I would have hidden. Doesn't talk to anyone about BC, incl me & our 3 grown-up boys, never had any therapy, counselling etc, relies on her own inner knowledge & insight. I had counselling 2 yrs ago which she doesn't know about as I was unable to deal with not being able to talk about things; she would laugh if she knew. She once said to me 'it's not as if you've got BC' which hurt. Came off tamox & on aromasin although has bad pins and needles which is the reason I am on here - has anyone got any ideas, suggestions of how to combat this? Needless to say, she will not phone for help and will wait until her next check-up in a few months. I love her to bits and want to help and do everything and anything although I always end saying to myself 'it's not my illness' - please help.