73.2K members
1.2M posts
cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

15 REPLIES 15
LinRowan
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Meri, sounds like we are in a very similar boat, right down to the feeling of having an armpit full of red-hot nettles! It's maddening.

I didn't cry for ages after I got the diagnosis, then two days before the surgery I stood in the shower and howled. Had to remind myself of all the things I used to say to my clients. Now it's 'all over' (hah!) I feel more emotional, less militant, which surprised me; perhaps because we went on holiday only two day after, I felt really well and positive. Then returning to normal seems to have set off a gloomier mood. I hoped I'd know on Thursday what happens next, but I have to wait for the lab in California to tell me what the follow-up treatment will be. I guess this is the bit where 'patient' really means something - and I'm better at being patient with other people than with myself. Have to keep reminding myself that I am getting things done, just a little slower than I used to be.

I know you know this already, but don't be afraid to let your feelings out - like the nurse said when I was spectacularly sick after the anaesthetic, better out than in, flower!

 

Love

 

Lin

Meri
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Lin

 

I just had lumpectomy and lympth nodes surgery wiating on results 27th April

 

I getting really annoyed with those who keep saying' well you do lt have cancer now, its out'

 

Like its all done with, forget all about it.

 

Yet reality is all the waiting for results and next steps.

 

Plus I am really sore, exercises hurt like crazy, burning pain constantly and arm pain.

 

I am upbeat person, trained counsellor too, and know i need to express my feelings.

 

Have not cried, like its locked inside, and if I dare to let it out, it will take over, like giving in.

 

I know thats nonsense but hey feelings not always rational.

 

I quite happy to 'whine' with you LoL 🙂

LinRowan
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Tracey,

 

Thanks for understanding. I do sometimes wonder about this compulsion so many people seem to have to say 'fine thank you' when really the honest answer is 'i feel pretty ***** today actually' - but I suppose politeness and positivity do help to keep us going. I guess the trick is to keep the balance, have a rant or a grumble when we need to and can find the right person to hear us, and put the brave face on when its appropriate - and remember to be glad of the good times too. So in the interests of honesty and balance i can say, yesterday was pretty good, I got out into my allotment and with help from my hubby I turned over some land and planted a few rows of potatoes. Yesterday was also painful especially when I tried out a new physio exercise and found that ouch, yes, that was a very deep wound that went all the way close to the muscle. I hate my scars, but I'm proud of me for being a survivor, yet again. I'm grateful for the care I've had, and I'm frustrated because I'm still waiting for results.

We are all entitled to all our feelings.

 

Gentle hugs back.

 

Lin

Debbie61
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Tracey. I had mastectomy a year ago this month. I really hated the new me too - but you will get used to yourself! Sometimes it dawns on me that I really am never going to grow another one and this is me now! And sometimes I feel sad about it - especially when I see all the pretty underwear when walking through a department store. But I've surprised myself with how strong I've become and I'm getting less bothered. Could you have reconstruction? I'm going to see a plastic surgeon to discuss reconstruction at the insistence of my surgeon but I think I'll probably decide not to bother and just get on with my life. Debbie x

 

tgregory
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Lin

It's funny isn't it how being a person who copes, who deals and who listens means we are less likely to moan and be honest. I've recently had a mastectomy and every time anyone asks how I am doing I say oh yes I'm fine thank you.  But really I'm not. I Don't feel that I am coping, I hate the new me, and I resent the hell out of bc.  

You are entitled to feel hard done by because it isn't bloody fair.

I wish you well on your journey. And send a big hug. 

 

Tracey

SandraSussex
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Lin

Thankyou! Wishing you all the best on your journey! I am still in pain which doesn't help and makes getting on with life a bit tricky at the moment....my lump was attached to skin so had the skin excised as well! Feel like I've been kicked in the ribs!

I think all my family think I'm doing the right thing .....just so my doubt about everything in my mind!

Good Luck
Sandra x
LinRowan
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Sandra,

It's a swine when you think everything's in place and then the plan gets changed. And yes, we're on a tough journey here, but we'll get through it. I think you are doing the right thing having the op - better safe and all that - and I hope when you look in the mirror you'll see the truth of yourself, someone who is brave and strong and a survivor.

 

I'll be thinking of you on May 3rd.

 

All the best

 

Lin

LinRowan
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Thank, Jill. I'm just hanging in here reminding myself that there was a lot of good news to be had from my hospital visit yesterday and starting from the eagle-eyed person that picked up the tiny shadow on my mammogram all the way through to the fact that both wounds are healing cleanly I have been very fortunate. Good care from lovely staff, supportive hubby and family, and a whole new community of people here who know the ropes and have walked or are walking very similar paths to mine. I went back to my dance group last night and whilst I couldn't do everything, I managed more than half the dances. So, it's about as positive as it can be.

Maybe some of what I'm feeling is the aftermath of the build-up to the hosp visit yesterday. When my kids were younger they were involved in a lot of theatre-workshop performances and it was always the case that after a cracking good show they'd have a massive energy crash, spill their drinks and cry... it came to be called 'Post Adrenaline Flump'. Think I've maybe got a touch of PAF...

 

cheers

 

Lin

feelthefear
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Lin.
You're right, I'd have to lose more than a boob and a few lymph nodes to stop me getting my hands on the baby. 😀
Op is may 2. Can't wait to get it out. I'm all packed and ready to go. I've even had my eyebrows microbladed ready for the chemo. I like to be prepared. Now all I need is a good wig supplier. I'm due a ct scan at the end of next week. Consultant didn't think it was necessary but I want to cover all corners. I'm sure I'll have to fight off the jitters again as the date approaches.
Onwards and upwards. X
LinRowan
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Angela, it sounds as though you're in good form to battle this thing. Keep it up, resist the whispering fears and do everything you can to hang on to the positive.

I hope the house-move goes well and your daughter's baby arrives safe and sound - I don't imagine anything will stop you getting that cuddle! When is your op?

 

Best wishes

 

Lin

Jill1998
Community Champion

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Lin,you are absolutely allowed a rant and to express all your fears here !We all totally understand .This is scary **** and whilst you can hold it together most of the time at others it all gets too bloody much and you just feel overwhelmed and resentful that other people's lives seem so blooming easy in comparison !You have to take this in small chunks, one step at a time otherwise it is too much to handle .The fact that they have sent for Oncotype test means that chemo is by no means certain so the light at the end of the tunnel may be nearer than you think .If not join one of the chemotherapy monthly threads and get support from the ladies there and again deal with it one small step at a time .Jill.
feelthefear
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi lin.

I have to work hard to distract myself from the negative little voice that's been sitting on my shoulder since my diagnosis.

When I allow it take over its absolutely all consuming. That's when I end up trawling through the secondary boards on here, scaring the life out of myself. Every bone and organ aches (which it would because in those moments I'm convinced I'm riddled (horrible word) with cancer.

Then there's the pity me voice that tries to make me cry. My son's severely disabled, my dad dropped down dead a year ago and I was given my diagnosis on his anniversary, my mam has had to move in, my daughter is due to have a baby days after my op and I'm worried I wont be able to have a cuddle, bla bla bla. I could go on, but what's the bloody point.

It doesn't change a thing. Here I am with bc. I know some people feel better after a good cry (my closest friend swears by it), but it just doesn't work for me. I can honestly say it makes me worse. Everyone's different of course.

I've decided I am not going to give bc anything freely, so I am refusing to let it drag me back down to the place I was in last week.

It was dark and terrifying and depressing and I'm not going back.

We're due to move house next month so I'm focusing on that, and thinking about where we'll go on holiday to celebrate the end of my treatment, and right now I'm looking forward to wine tonight.

Hope you're feeling back on top soon. Angela, x

 

LinRowan
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Thank you, Helena, for the wise words and the hug.  You know i think I just needed permission - from myself as much as anyone - to have an off day. When I worked as a counsellor one of the most important things and one of the toughest was letting people know that its ok to feel all the emotions. My friend said to me the other day, talking about pain, 'you know, we have tears for a reason, I'm not going to not use them' and she's right, sometimes we need to have a weep.

I see so many brave people here, many of them dealing with much more difficult and complicated things than I have (I know, there's no league-table here!) and I have that conversation with myself that goes 'pull yourself together, things could be worse, you were lucky they caught this so early' and then i remember something that happened as I was coming back from my holiday that lifted my spirits in a bizarre way...

I was emerging from a coffee shop just as a young man was walking in. He was wearing a T shirt in the style of the Keep Calm and Carry On poster that has become so popular, but his was emblazoned with I Will Not Keep Calm and You Can All **** Off. And I looked at him and grinned and said 'Love the T-shirt' and he smiled back and for a moment whatever it was that was making both of us want to swear at the world became less of a weight...

Funny the things that can have a positive effect...

 

Lin

ladybowler
Community Champion

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

LinRowan

 

I dont know if you have seen me post this before, a little phrase my best friend sent me on the front of her card  "You are stronger than you think and braver than you feel":  You are strong you are brave, look what you have been through already you lovely lady and you will get to the end of all this.

 

This is totally natural, the shock of what has happened is hitting you.  If you are not sure of something make an appointment to see your bcn, she will go through all the diagnosis again with you and answer any questions no matter how "silly" you may think that they are.

 

I was exactly the same as you, to be honest 2016 was a s**t year.  My partner was diagnosed with MS and I am effectively his carer.  I remember my initial reaction was, why me havent I had enough c**p in my life already, I was born with Spina Bifida, then thought well why not me, I can get through this and whatever it throws at me.  Yes there have been times when it has been really hard, I found the daily radiotherapy apts for 4 weeks so hard, hated my life being controlled by that one apt each day, but its doable and is history now and I have my life back.

 

If it is anything like mine I had a lumpectomy with clear margins, no lymph node invlvement,and I was hormone receptor positive, I had radiotherapy for 4 weeks and am on a hormone blocking tablet which I will be taking for 5 years.

 

Learn to lean on your fmaily amd friends they will be a valuable support, remember it is ok to ask for help, it will also help them come to terms with your diagnosis and that they can be of help.

 

Sending you a hug

 

Helena xx

 

 

SandraSussex
Member

Re: Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

Hi Lin!

This is tough isn't it! I just wish I could switch my thoughts off! I just managed to get some positivity and the goal posts were moved on the treatment plan this week!

I am having lymph nodes out on 3rd May! A micromet on the sentinal node which could have been sprayed during biopsy or surgery!

Am I doing the right thing having the op! Absolutely terrified of chemo living on my own!

I look in the mirror and see a stranger!

Sandra x
LinRowan
Member

Needing a dumping ground (Caution, contains whining..)

We all know how important it is to stay positive, be strong, battle on, and from what I've seen of this forum there's a lot of support here for keeping our morale up. I value it a lot, because it means i can come here and get the support I need. Family and friends are being lovely but I don't want to lean on them too much because, well, I find it hard to let go of the image of me as the person they could always bring their troubles to. And there's a lot of good news coming in - clear margins, lymph nodes all ok, hormone receptors as good as they can be ( I cannot for the life of me remember which are better negative and which positive but the consultant seems happy with them anyhow!)

 

So this morning, when I  thought I'd feel good, I had a meltdown. I ran out of courage and positivity. When I told my husband the implications of the treatments I will definitely have and the treatments I may need to have, depending on the oncotype testing, he said 'oh, I don't think I realised how much time it's going to take...' and when I thought about it I saw that I hadn't really taken on board how much time and energy I'm not going to be able to spend on other things purely because of travelling back and forth for treatment.

 

So here's the reality just now. I'm scared, I'm angry, I want one of those badges - the kind kiddies get after a dentist visit - that says 'I've been brave about having a lumpectomy', and I want to whine about how unfair it all is that having coped with type 1 diabetes since I was 10 and hereditary heart disease for the last five years I've now got this to handle as well.

 

Sorry, my friends, This has been a broadcast on behaf of the It's Not Bloody Fair party.

 

😞

 

Lin