We all know how important it is to stay positive, be strong, battle on, and from what I’ve seen of this forum there’s a lot of support here for keeping our morale up. I value it a lot, because it means i can come here and get the support I need. Family and friends are being lovely but I don’t want to lean on them too much because, well, I find it hard to let go of the image of me as the person they could always bring their troubles to. And there’s a lot of good news coming in - clear margins, lymph nodes all ok, hormone receptors as good as they can be ( I cannot for the life of me remember which are better negative and which positive but the consultant seems happy with them anyhow!)
So this morning, when I thought I’d feel good, I had a meltdown. I ran out of courage and positivity. When I told my husband the implications of the treatments I will definitely have and the treatments I may need to have, depending on the oncotype testing, he said ‘oh, I don’t think I realised how much time it’s going to take…’ and when I thought about it I saw that I hadn’t really taken on board how much time and energy I’m not going to be able to spend on other things purely because of travelling back and forth for treatment.
So here’s the reality just now. I’m scared, I’m angry, I want one of those badges - the kind kiddies get after a dentist visit - that says ‘I’ve been brave about having a lumpectomy’, and I want to whine about how unfair it all is that having coped with type 1 diabetes since I was 10 and hereditary heart disease for the last five years I’ve now got this to handle as well.
Sorry, my friends, This has been a broadcast on behaf of the It’s Not Bloody Fair party.
This is tough isn’t it! I just wish I could switch my thoughts off! I just managed to get some positivity and the goal posts were moved on the treatment plan this week!
I am having lymph nodes out on 3rd May! A micromet on the sentinal node which could have been sprayed during biopsy or surgery!
Am I doing the right thing having the op! Absolutely terrified of chemo living on my own!
I dont know if you have seen me post this before, a little phrase my best friend sent me on the front of her card “You are stronger than you think and braver than you feel”: You are strong you are brave, look what you have been through already you lovely lady and you will get to the end of all this.
This is totally natural, the shock of what has happened is hitting you. If you are not sure of something make an appointment to see your bcn, she will go through all the diagnosis again with you and answer any questions no matter how “silly” you may think that they are.
I was exactly the same as you, to be honest 2016 was a s**t year. My partner was diagnosed with MS and I am effectively his carer. I remember my initial reaction was, why me havent I had enough c**p in my life already, I was born with Spina Bifida, then thought well why not me, I can get through this and whatever it throws at me. Yes there have been times when it has been really hard, I found the daily radiotherapy apts for 4 weeks so hard, hated my life being controlled by that one apt each day, but its doable and is history now and I have my life back.
If it is anything like mine I had a lumpectomy with clear margins, no lymph node invlvement,and I was hormone receptor positive, I had radiotherapy for 4 weeks and am on a hormone blocking tablet which I will be taking for 5 years.
Learn to lean on your fmaily amd friends they will be a valuable support, remember it is ok to ask for help, it will also help them come to terms with your diagnosis and that they can be of help.
Hi Lin,you are absolutely allowed a rant and to express all your fears here !We all totally understand .This is scary **** and whilst you can hold it together most of the time at others it all gets too bloody much and you just feel overwhelmed and resentful that other people’s lives seem so blooming easy in comparison !You have to take this in small chunks, one step at a time otherwise it is too much to handle .The fact that they have sent for Oncotype test means that chemo is by no means certain so the light at the end of the tunnel may be nearer than you think .If not join one of the chemotherapy monthly threads and get support from the ladies there and again deal with it one small step at a time .Jill.
Hi Lin.
You’re right, I’d have to lose more than a boob and a few lymph nodes to stop me getting my hands on the baby. ?
Op is may 2. Can’t wait to get it out. I’m all packed and ready to go. I’ve even had my eyebrows microbladed ready for the chemo. I like to be prepared. Now all I need is a good wig supplier. I’m due a ct scan at the end of next week. Consultant didn’t think it was necessary but I want to cover all corners. I’m sure I’ll have to fight off the jitters again as the date approaches.
Onwards and upwards. X
Thankyou! Wishing you all the best on your journey! I am still in pain which doesn’t help and makes getting on with life a bit tricky at the moment…my lump was attached to skin so had the skin excised as well! Feel like I’ve been kicked in the ribs!
I think all my family think I’m doing the right thing …just so my doubt about everything in my mind!
It’s funny isn’t it how being a person who copes, who deals and who listens means we are less likely to moan and be honest. I’ve recently had a mastectomy and every time anyone asks how I am doing I say oh yes I’m fine thank you. But really I’m not. I Don’t feel that I am coping, I hate the new me, and I resent the hell out of bc.
You are entitled to feel hard done by because it isn’t bloody fair.
I wish you well on your journey. And send a big hug.
