Hi Everyone,
is it just me, or do New Year celebrations p*** you off?? I’ve been such a grump about it all.
At the best of times it’s all hype and a big anticlimax. But this year I just look at people around me and all they’ve got to look forward to, when all I’ve got is an elusive biopsy appointment, discovering the extent/nature of my disease progression and starting chemo. It makes me feel really resentful about other people’s lives and happiness, which makes me feel such a nasty old cow. And don’t even mention round robin Christmas letters or going on facebook!! All those carefree families having a great time…
Does anyone else feel the same?
Jacksy x
Hi Jacksy- I totally sympathise! I’m in a new year grump too! I had a liver resection back in September to remove a solitary liver met. During scan results a few days ago I found out I have TWO shiny new liver mets (argh!) plus 2 new boney bits to add to the mix. As such, I’ll be starting my 2016 on the so called “demon drug” combo e/e. Brilliant. Hello horrible side effects! This has come at the worst possible time for me too. I was literally about to pack up my life and go and work abroad for the next 3 years. Although onc hasn’t ruled it out (I’m 34 and feel entirely asymptomatic of cancer) he definitely doesn’t want me going anywhere for the next 2 months. I’m in a massive quandary now- should I ask for a delayed start to the job? Or should I be sensible and stay in the UK and put my health first? I look at all my mates who have plans for the future and it seems so easy for them. Whereas my life is constantly dictated by sh***y cancer!!! Bah. Rant over. Anyway- I’m totally with you on this Jacksy! Any other “new year grumps” out there???
p.s Sorry Jacksy- I just got into a bit of a self centred rant there! I forgot to say, I hope you get that elusive biopsy appointment sorted. Also, we’re definitely not nasty old cows so we shouldn’t let this ****** disease make us bitter and twisted. Let’s resolve to snap out of it together. That way we can stick two fingers up at it! Like swans, we will be calm and rise above it ?
Hi Jacksy/Tomboy…you are not on your own…i’m sure we all feel the same. I never really rated New Year but for the past two years have dreaded it. Last year was probably the worst…i was still reeling (still am) from my misdiagnosis and being told i had incurable disease and was on a tough chemo regime. My mum , who had had breast cancer herself, got really upset and that started us all off. Things got worse when she died in August from metastatic breast cancer and every treatment i have been put on has failed. Its not surprising is it that we start to resent other people who have a life and a future and it gets increasingly difficult to keep painting on the smile. Having said that, and having been dreading this year, i tried to tell myself to treat it as just another night out (i didnt even want to go out), stay in the moment and dont think about tomorrow. I did it more for my OH and daughter than anyone but it did work…for a while. I had a really good night but after that the dreaded disease worked its way back to take over my life. As you say, all we can do is try and rise above the anger and resentment that makes us bitter and twisted. Althogh i dont want anyone to go through this, it helps to know that i am not on my own and hopefully, together, we can stay strong. XX
Hi ladies - another New Year grump here! I go to bed and then get really angry when people let off fireworks. And no, Jacksy, you’re not a nasty old cow. Those people would feel just the same if they were in your situation and no doubt they moan about trivial things. I also know just what you mean about round robin Christmas letters…grrrr…where I generally like to hear that people are having a wonderful life it does feel a bit like they’re rubbing salt into my wounds.
Good luck with the biopsy appt Jacksy.
Tomboy, what a dilema and at such a young age. This disease is so unfair. I guess if you wait the couple of months to assess things it will give you time to decide which is the best option. Good luck with it all and I hope things are such that you can follow your desire path.
X
Hi Girls
Remember we are all in it together and we are all here for one another.
I was a grumpy cancer sufferer before Christmas but I have kept a brave face and hold my real thoughts in when telling everyone “I’m Fine” knowing not being able to walk and help properly is leading me to disaster.
But I will go on. I thank the powers that be for giving me chance to share 2 weeks of happiness.
Love to you all my closest forum friends
XXX
Thank you so much for your replies. I’m still in a grump but feel much happier about being in one now I know I’m not alone!
Like you said Marirose, we have at least had another Christmas with our lovely families.
Now Tomboy, what are you going to do? What terrible timing! Where is the new job? It sounds really exciting, but maybe you should do as suggested and put it on pause for a couple of months. They can’t possibly argue with your reason - I find the ‘cancer card’ most effective in many situations! But maybe you don’t want them to know your medical situation? It’s an impossible conundrum, but you have to put your health first. Will you have any support in this new country? Any friends or family already there? That must surely be a big consideration too. What a bugg@r finding two new mets, I am so so sorry about that, especially so soon after your resection. It’s such a big op and you must have thought there was a chance you’d got away with it, having only one tumour. Do let us know what you decide to do about the job, and how you get on treatment-wise,
Jxxx
Hi Samantha. I wish I could be more like you and live in the moment! It’s so good when you can take pleasure in each day and look forward to nice things every month. Sadly, I’m a bit of an obsessive planner which is very frustrating when dealing with this annoyingly unpredictable condition! Bah. Maybe I need to take more Mindfulness lessons or something… Anyway, my job offer is a 3 year project in the USA. I spent the whole of last year working hard for this and beat off quite a lot of competition. However, the fact it’s America has brought a whole host of medical insurance problems my way! My company are massively supportive and want me to go but red tape may mean it won’t happen anyway. My medication will be shipped out to me and I’ll have to fly back for scans. Onc is happy to do telephone consultations. Part of me thinks, if I haven’t got long left I may as well enjoy it (I’m in my 30’s and feel fit and well) However the sensible part of me says “put your health first and stay close to your hospital!” After much agonising I’ve decided (perhaps stupidly) to pursue the dream. I want to LIVE with cancer and not let it dictate me. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pull this off but I’m going to give it a blummin’ good go! Feel free to jump in and tell me I’m crazy at any point by the way… Sanity checks welcome!
Wow! This has turned from a blues post to an inspirational one! Well done everyone, especially Tomboy for your fighting spirit.
I had such a lovely Christmas with all 4 of our grown up children being at home, special times. I felt so tearful after they left and New Year was tough, as many of us have said already…still, decorations are put away and I’m ready to take on 2016, CT scan today and scanxiety until the following week… Bring it on!!
Ive been thinking about my horses, one could be sold, the other here to stay. I feel so responsible for them if I was to get unwell, I’m so reluctant to change anything though…
Happy New Year to everyone, whether sad, frightened, determined or happy, here’s to 2016!
Thanks for all of your comments ladies *blushes* Less inspirational, more nutter I think! I’ll keep you posted as to how things go…