Hi everybody. I've been reading posts on this forum for the past two weeks, and have found your posts very informative and honest .I can see the huge amount of support that you have for each other is a great help and inspiration, and a comfort too. I hope you don't mind me popping in, and am hoping to draw strength from the courageousness that you all show, and to follow in the footsteps that you have all taken before me, with hope.
I was recalled after a routine mammogram ..I got the letter that every woman dreads. All very carefully worded, but as you will all understand, the fact that you have been called to attend a hospital Breast Clinic is enough to convince you that it must be bad news..Me, I went into meltdown, wondering how I would get through the wait for the appointment, and at the same time, trying to get on with life, work etc. I spent those days panicking, feeling sick, drawing up my bucket list, and listing songs I wanted at my funeral!! I spent way too much time on the Internet, scouring every page that covered Breast Cancer, and frightening myself silly! All in all, the word 'cancer' has been in my nightmares, and has infringed on my waking thoughts to such an extent, that my brain must now resemble a distorted Salvador Dali painting!!!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, and to spare you all my diva type, dying swan, not sleeping, eating or functioning as a 'normal' , busy, middle aged woman, dramatics..I attended the hospital on 5th September, and underwent 'triple testing',. Mammogram, ultrasound, and core biopsy ..I saw on the screen, the image of a mass..It looked huge, but of course the radiographer explained that it was magnified..I laughed and joked all the time with the nurse, and doctor, they were laughing too...Ok. then I thought, you don't have a party going on when there 's cancer involved. I asked them if 'Clive' (that's what I ve called the nasty little mass that was grinning back at me on the screen) was Malignant,. The radiographer said that yes, in her opinion, it was looking as if it was. They said they'd bring my husband in..Everything went very serious then, they us put in that quiet room with the little three piece suite, flowers and tissues, and left us alone for a while.
They brought me tea and cake, and looked very solem explaining to my husband what they had found, and the fact that it looks highly likely that I have breast cancer...There was talk of lumpectomy, radiotherapy and , tamoxifen,. all I heard was 'you have breast cancer'.. Anyway at that moment, I feel like I became a different person, one that was ill, one that to explain to her family, workmates, friends that I had the dreaded disease..I felt guilty at all the love and support, because I didn't feel ill. ..
.I go back on Monday for the bipsy results, hoping that they've made a big mistake, and 'Clive' is just a carbuncle, and not cancer! at the moment, my emotions are everywhere, I cry, I mope, I'm scared of the future, or even if I have one...I feel so tired too, lack of sleep, and the stress I suppose, I feel ashamed to admit that I seem to have become a coward .. Hoping to make friends here with the brave women here who understand that I've not really lost the plot, but am doing battle with Clive. love and healing vibes to all that are fighting, and to those who have conquered. Xxxxx
