Hi everyone.
Sorry I have been quiet recently… i’ve had a lot to deal with.
On Friday I have one of my best friend’s funeral to attend - he was tragically killed a month ago and we have had to wait for multiple post-mortems before we could lay him to rest. Then, on the following Wednesday, I am having my tissue expanders taken out and switched for my permanent implants…
Since my friend died, I have been questioning my own mortality and future a lot.
I’m not coping with the fact I may never be able to bear children. I am not coping with the fact that my husband may be a young widower. I’m plain just not coping with having secondaries at all.
I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, and she believes that I am mentally sound, as I know what my problems are and why they are affecting me negatively, it’s just I don’t know how to deal with them… there’s a lot of work to be done there.
I was cuddled up with my husband today, feeling all relaxed and calm (he gives great hugs, I feel safe if that makes sense?) then all of a sudden that horrid feeling popped up again, and I came crashing back down to reality…
I *really* want a child. We were going to try to get pregnant this year too. I don’t even know if the Zoladex and Tamoxifen is working yet, because I have my Big Scan in April. If it isn’t working, then they’re going to try chemo. I’m wondering if that will be the proverbial straw that breaks the camels back…
Sorry to moan. I know there are a lot of people on here who are in a much worse position than me, either health-wise or relationship-wise… It’s just I try and talk to my friends about it, but (thank god) they don’t truly understand what I mean. I am glad of this, because I wouldn’t want ANY of my friends going through what we are all going through… it’s just hard to connect with them sometimes over it all.
I guess I’m just feeling a little lost…
Hoping you are all feeling as well as you can be…
J xxx