Not getting over mums death at all
Not getting over mums death at all I lost my mum and best friend almost 18 months ago and I am desperately struggling to come to terms with it. I am still crying at least 5 times a day and think of her constantly.
I finally found the will to get her photographs out at the weekend although looking at them is almost unbearable. I hoped I would be able to look at them and smile with the thought of the wonderful memories but all I do is sob and yearn for her to come home.
Life just isnt the same anymore. I was an only child and my mother adored me and her grandson. I gave up my job to be with her when her cancer returned and spent 4 months with her until she passed away which was unexpected and dreadful. I have constnt flashbacks of that awful day.
I cannot bear to go to my parents house. My dad cannot look at a photo and is totally lost. She was a wonderful homemaker with a beautiful garden and house full of flowers and warmth, you could always smell her lovely cooking. Now the house is empty with no flowers.
I dont think we realise how much our mums do for us until its too late. She did so much for me and I owe her everything. There was so much I wanted to say to her at the end but couldnt.
My partner and I are planning to get married later this year but I cannot stand the thought without her. I think we will go off abroad to do it but I want her there !!
My partner is great and understanding but no one else ever asks how I feel anymore. I have always been a cheerful, caring and understanding person who has listened to my friends problems endlessley over the years but feel as though no one listens back. A couple of pals have surprised me and I now realise how selfish they are (not visiting my mum when she was ill, no condolense cards) etc. These were family friends of many years also. Since losing mum I have become more intolerant of selfishness.
I know I am not alone. I always cry and feel for all the people who post on this site. I just hope I can come to terms with losing my mum one day although it seems totally impossible. She was one in a million, the most beautiful, warm, fun person I have ever known and it wasnt her time. She was full of life and wanted desperately to live.
Love to everyone
Dear Sonia
I remember your very first post on here, you said that you had been reading company magazine and had heard of this website - at that time my mum had just been diagnosed with secondaries in the lung, and so I followed all your posts after that as I knew that one day I too would be in the same situation as you. Now I am. I know how much you have been struggling over the last year or so.
Everytime you have posted about your mum it is obvious how much you love her and what a void has been left in your life without her. Your mum was your life, as was mine. My mum sounds very similar to yours. She was 55 and the most amazing thing in my life. For some reason I was always aware that she was precious, and before she was poorly I had a constant fear that something would happen to her, as I knew I couldnt live without her. When I was younger I asked her what I would do if I ever lost her, and she said dont worry I am going to die in my sleep when I am 100. I always remember that. As it was she got only half that.
I have not been on this journey as long as you, and I know that everything I am about to say to you you will already know, but if anything helps ease your pain it will be worth it!
Your mum would not want to see you like this. She loved you and she would want you to try and move on and be happy. I know it is much easier said than done, but I try and keep in my mind how my mum would want me to be, she wouldnt want me to spend my life being upset that she isnt here, she would want me to make the most of what I have left. Your mum faught her illness with courage and dignity just as my mum did, and you were very proud of her. I was proud of mum too, and now I want to make her proud of me by living a happy and fulfilled life. At the moment it is really hard because the centre of my world has been taken away, but I am perservering. I dont think you are that much older than me, I am 25, and we have our whole lives stretching out in front of us, and that is a long time to be sad and down.
Do you think you may be able to try and keep up with what your mum used to do in the house? Instead of feeling upset that the house isnt the same and that there are no longer fresh flowers there, why dont you make it your job to carry that on? I do this with some of my mums little things. I always buy the same soap for the bathrooms that she did, I always use the same washing powder, there are loads of little things. I dont live there but it comforts me to try and keep everything as it was. For some reason it really helps and makes me feel close to her. It was really hard at the beginning but I managed it. As for photos, they are still really hard for me too, you need to be in a certain mood dont you otherwise you are sad for the whole day. Its not a problem that you still cant look at photos - photos are ok for me but its video that I have a problem with - I have my wedding video and obviously she is on it loads. I havent watched it for three years since she was ill, dont know if I ever will, but I am not worried about it, I can do plenty of other things.
I am sorry you feel that your friends have forgotton about your grief. If you look to be coping on the outside that is what they see isnt it. Some of my friends are the same, they have been really amazing in some ways but in others a bit dim. One called me the other day and I had been crying but I answered the phone and she asked me if I had a cold! I just thought it must have been obvious why I felt sad! I know that you are an only child, I have 2 sisters and spend a lot of time with them as they are the only ones that understand what I am going through. Maybe try explaining to your friends that you are still really struggling and that you do need someone to talk to once in a while - if they have never experienced what we are going through they are never going to understand your needs, but once you tell them it may make a difference.
Anyway, I do hope you can find some comfort in knowing that I am in the same situation and am always here should you need someone. We can try and get through together. I am thinking of you.
Love Joanne x x x x x x x
From a mum Hello
I read your post and must admit i cried. You see i have a 25 year old daughter and a 8 year old daughter. Not a day goes by when i dont sit and wonder what my girls will do without me. I cant tell you how much a mother loves her children. I have incurable cancer it has spread to my bones ,lung and liver. If i were on my own ,and had no children, i would be able to face the fate i have in store for me, in fact i would not have any treatment, but its my beautiful girls that keep me going , I will go to hell and back for them alone. You sound like my own daughter ,she is always telling me how much i mean to her ,I brought my eldest up on my own ,we are so close .I too am her best friend. We have travelled, together ,laughed together , cried together, how can i leave her to cry without me. As for my little girl ,she cannot bare to be without me , we spend each waking moment hugging , how can i not be there for all those important years ahead, I feel utterly lost and powerless. But from what you have said in your post , you have given your mother all the love in the world no matter how her life was cut short. So from a mother and from your mother we thank you for that and know that one day when your life has been fullfilled , we wait for our babies , to hold you in our arms once again. Take care love carolm x
Dearest Joanne Thankyou so much for your response. I think this site is wonderful and has given me the opportunity to let off steam.
I am so sorry for your loss also and I know that there are many of us out there in the same situation. All my friends have their mums fit and well to go shopping with, have a coffee, a chat. They all take them forgranted as I did. I keep reminding them to make every moment count.
I left home a long time ago and have a 9 year old son who my mother adored. All she wanted was to see him grow up. I struggle to visit my parents house and my dad isnt interested in flowers in the house etc. We still havent touched her belongings and cant find the strength to do so as its finally letting go and I dont think either wants to…
Its so hard as he has little enthusiasm in anything. He was a workaholic and still is as it keeps him going but he moans constantly and says nothing matters anymore. He is carrying a lot of guilt for working all the time and I too feel resentment towards him for that.
I wanted to go shopping the other day whilst my partner was working and no one was free. I could have called my mum at any time and she was ready to go anywhere with me. We loved shopping together, so I went alone and ended up feeling lonely and crying. I could picture our every step, which clothes she looked at, where we had a coffee etc. I ended up coming home early.
I do hope we can keep in touch. Thinking of you. Sonia xx
Hi Sonia
It would be lovely to keep in touch. I always check this site although dont post very often, but will do now. I also speak to another lady called Sharon, she lost her mum last year too.
It sounds as though your dad is having a really tough time, and that doesnt make it any easier for you does it. My dad seems to be doing really well, he is keeping himself busy and plays golf and tennis and sees his friends. I am so proud of him as I really believed that he would fall to pieces. He has his bad times, he is going through a stage at the moment, but overall has been very positive. I think this has helped me as it is one less thing to worry about. I can imagine that it is very stressful for you worrying about your dad all the time, and doesnt make it any easier to cope.
We still have not removed all of my mums bits from the house either. My dad does it in fits and starts, and I have taken some of her clothes which have special memories for me which I keep in a box in my room, but I am never able to look at it.
I know what you mean about friends and their mums. I try and look at it as though I dont care that they still have their mums, as they are not as good as my mum - I had the best - and even though I had her for such a short amount if time I wouldnt swap my mum with one of my friends mum if it meant we had more time together. Hope that makes sense! I find that I have to try and rationalise everything this way to stop me from going over the edge and being in a state constantly. I can imagine that it was really upsetting for you going out and about for the day on your own without mum, but I am sure that the more you are able to bring yourself to do it the easier it will become over time.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling a bit better today and having a slightly happier day. I am having a baby in 2 weeks, my first one, I found out the day before my mum was taken into hospital so have had to do it all without her. I am off work now and find that I have a lot of time to sit and think about mum which isnt doing me any good at all!
Love Joanne x x x x