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Offer support - what does that even mean?

34 REPLIES 34

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

FF darlin, may you long keep on doing what you're doing and yes, as stresshead said, it is inspirational to us all here and anyone else. Yey girl.

Dellywhoohoo xxx

 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Stresshead, The family deaths were spaced out over some years. Thankful they weren't all at once. Glad my parents weren't here for my two brothers deaths and my secondary cancer. My mom wouldn't have handled any of this well!!! Some how Stresshead I keep plugging through. Luckily, I have a very supportive hubby! FF

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

FF...never realised you had gone through so mch trauma as well as your own. To have gone on as long as you have..well, you are truly an inspiration. x

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Delly, I forgave my brother for his actions many years ago. He truly was sick. It's just hard knowing my nephew had to find him. My nephew was 22 and was getting married in a couple months. This was very hard on him. 

 

My husband doesn't have the best  health either and we don't have a fenced yard. My husband's balance is off bc of losing some toes from diabetes. I can't leash walk the dogs, even my daughter's little dog pulls to hard on.me. My knees can't take it. We would have to be able to let it out loose to go to the bathroom. I'd be afraid of getting one that doesn't listen. We both feel we might not make another dog's life time and wouldn't want to leave one like that. We decided it's not fair. We like cats too but they  live a long time and neither of us wants to deal with a litter box. We watch my son's dog and my daughter's two dogs quite often, so we will get plenty of pet one with them. My other son has 2 dogs but we don't get to watch them bc the one doesn't like other dogs. We will be able to watch him if we don't have any of our own.

Charys
Community Champion

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

When you go and do a normal post ( Rich text) , above you is the B, I, underline etc. Then there is a face with, errmm, what is it......a patch over the eye or something ?  That's the one I accidentally pressed to get the grey box. 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Charys and Delly...

since you mentioned grey box, which I pressed too just for devilment...I have been searching for this button...where is it? moijanxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

.

My, this post has really taken off whilst I was gone hasnt it? it! Delly, im with you on having to get the house sorted...mine is full of ....well, lots of junk. But some of it is junk that you wouldnt chuck out...have loads of dresses from when I was younger and slimmer! Art materials, family knicknacs etc.

 

we had two cats, one each, but mine had to be put to sleep as she had kidney problems....the other began leaving 'presents ' which I only looked for when the fly population increased from none to well...a lot of flies. So we rehomed him! So..Charys, when the house is sorted...all the carpets need to be cleaned! Otherwise the next moggy will start doing the same!

 

Sarcol, glad you seem to have sorted out a plan for meeting your Dad. I do find that certain words can upset people,  a word like 'support' ...well, I have couple of friends, who would pull a face if I offered it, but if I was to say, id love to get together soon.catch up.....theyd be ok with that.

 

Hope you enjoy your time with him,

 

love, Moijanxx

Charys
Community Champion

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

A reference to your individual writing style.....it alliterated so I used it.....but maybe better would be syntaxically sophisticated......or communication craftswoman. 

 

So, how did I know you would still press the grey box? It was a test to see if you trusted me, and you failed. Lolol ( mind, I would have done the same.....it's like a sign saying 'wet paint' isn't it). 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Semantic?? Charys. what are you meaning. And hey, guess what. I DID click on the grey strip, even tho you said not to bother haha, but simply because you said NOT to bother!! And just as you said - it was empty hahaha.

Lorra lorra love

Me xxx

Charys
Community Champion

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

I heard you coming, clicking click of the keyboard in only the way you can Delly, and RAN AWAY lol Nooooo, my semantically sophisticated friend, I'd NEVER do that. Sowwy Sarcol, things have gone a little awry with your thread.....it can happen on this forum for some reason......but tangents are always good natured Woman Happy

Spoiler
 

Don't bother looking in the grey box, there is no ' emotional content', I accidentally pressed that thing that makes it and can't get rid of it !

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Hey Charys - we seen to be following each other around on posts, can't seem to get away from you lol. Why would I EVER want to, you're such a lovey and such a witty one. I was thinking about you this morning and I think we had our first "exchanges" on the "Stop Feeling guilty - Benchland".

Anyway, yeh, I would like one again, but I need to sort myself and my house out more, so don't feel it would be fair to have another yet. Chloe was so elderly, she was absolutely no trouble as she didn't do an awful lot, like going out on the prowl all night, or venturing very far from the back door, didn't need much looking after, just comfort, warmth, feeding and lotsa love and affection. And yes, I would probably go to a rescue place for another.

 

FF - Thats another similarity between us. My bruv also knew about my illness, but not once contacted me with ref to. Spoke to my Mum on a regular basis in her two last years, which I was so thankful for, because she was really pleased for him to be back in contact. He'd broken up with a longterm partner of 30 yrs, who we felt had influenced him away from his family. He'd been very neglectful of both his parents long before he became ill. But not once did he ask Mum how I was doing. That hurt me deeply. Wasn't until coming up for, what turned out to be her last Mother's day, and quite a few years after my BC, did he ask how I was then doing after it all. I'd tried for so many years to get him and me on a better footing, but was like bashing my head against a brick wall. So sad, such a waste. He was the last of my family. I'll never forget that visit from the police to deliver the news (he lived in Devon and I in the North). I severely beat myself up for two weeks, until I found a place in my mind that gave me peace. In that, even if I'd known how bad he was, jumped in the car to spend time with him to hopefully help, it still may not have made any difference. I had to understand that sometimes people are way beyond. I still loved him despite the "differences" we'd had. So had to forgive him and myself. Sorry I've gone on FF, but I truely empathise with you and hope you too found a place of peace with it.

Why do you feel your lovely Lab will be your last. Is it because you don't want the "tie" and/or ever want to go through losing another beloved pet again?? 

 

Interesting how this thread has developed from Sarcol's initial one. Sorry Sarcol, didn't mean to detract from yours. Are you still with us??

 

Moijan - I had the "luxury", yes a weird word to use, or "warning" with my Dad being given 1 1/2 yrs as terminal. Made the absolute most of it, to be able to often tell him how much I loved him, do lots of things together with him and Mum, that I knew he enjoyed. Didn't have the same with Mum, that was very sudden. Shouldn't really need that tho' should it. But as you so rightly say, and I so get what you mean, we do tend to take things for granted. I'd had a very loving relationship with both my parents, but there were difficult times. If we had the foresight to "know", we wouldn't waste so much time arguing about what, often turn out to be trivialities in the big picture of things.

We're only human and we are none of us infallible. We can only do our best and forgive our own and other peoples failings - can we not.

 

Loadsa love to everybody

Dellywellydingdong xxxx 

Charys
Community Champion

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Moijan and Delly, I think you have so much love to give to a furry family member....you should consider it again ( I know it's not been that long since Chloe passed Delly) Our pets are very special and valuable, and seem to understand us when people just don't.....and there are so many lovely animals,unwanted, waiting for homes like yours. So much sadness on here about lost pets at the moment, just shows how deeply they touch us in sharing our live day in and day out.  Well, they aren't pets are they, that's a demeaning term for them really. FF, that is terribly sad, that you are left with unresolved issues like this, but what else could you do ? Horrible situation. X

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Delly and Moijan, Loss of pets is horrible. I have a yellow lab, Maggie and I see her declining. This will be a killer when it happens. Added to it is the fact we decided she is our last pet. FF

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Hi everyone,

 

Yes Christmas does emphasise our losses. Its a shame because, I recall the magic of Christmas......as a child, as a teenager and as a young adult.........and whilst I still think it is magical.......for the reasons we celebrate it...                 It always brings sadness about those we have lost xx

 

what I have learned, in retrospect, is that there is a tendency to take things/experiences/people for granted.

 

Later I have often thought 'wish I could go back' or 'wish id asked him/her more about ......'  ... Before they died.

 

Still, we have to go forward xxxx

 

best wishes,

 

Moijanxx

 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Sorry, pressed reply before I'd finished.

Miojan and FF - I'm so sorry to hear of your losses. Particularly difficult at this time of the year - Xmas has a tendency to bring people we've lost to the fore.

Hope you're all doing ok with treatments and recovery. Love to every body.

Delly xxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Morning ladies

 

Miojan - Know what you mean, I don't have kids either. Chloe the cat was the last of my family. Had her from 6 months old to 21yrs. Do you have a husband/partner??

 

Sarcol - have you seen your Dad yet?? If so, how did it go? If not yet, will you let us know how it went. We're all dying to know, aren't we girls. Hope you had a lovely time together.

 

I hope you're all doing well in whatever stages you're up to.

 

 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Hi Delly and Funnyfacexx

 

yes, that was my absolutely lovely mainecoon, she mothered me right through my first bc episode in 2001. She used to sleep on my bed and id find her curled up round my bald head in the morning!  Just thinking about her has brought tears to my eyes...I have no children and I think she was my baby!

 

she used to understand things like 'up' when she would jump up, or 'no' when she would definitely know what I meant. Very intelligent.and she talked!

 

i still miss her...yes Delly, cats are wonderful creatures and id love another, but need to wait for a while.

 

 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Thanks Moijan!

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

hi miojan - thanks for your words.

Is that your cat in your name photo? I was only looking at photos of mine last night - such a cute dainty all white lady. Miss her like crazy, but I'm not really up to another at the moment, despite missing the company. I adore cats, they're such beautiful creatures.

Lotsa love to everyone

Delly xxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Hi Delly,

 

yes, there are a boatload of people I would love back....lots of lovexx

 

Moijanxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Funnyface, sending you lots. Of love. So sorry , this year must have been especially difficult.  

Spoil yourself as much as you canxx

Moijanxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Hi Sarcol,

 

i have been recently coming to realise that people close to us, who love us, such as parents, feel so sad for us and often dont know what to say or how to put things. My guess is, your Dad would love some quality time with you, just to see how you are getting on.

 

words are such difficult things...mean different things to other people. I too have sonetimes got it wrongxx also as cancer patients, I think we can sonetimes. Be a bit  sensitive to how we are treated.

 

my dad died in May, we werent as close as i wish we had been,but he died with me knowing he really cared.

 

i hope your time with your dad is a lovely timexx

Moijanxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Delly, Yes I feel guilty! He hadn't spoke to me in 10 years. He knew I was sick! He still wouldn't give in. He really became an evil person. Treated his one son terribly. Threatened to their animals. Children services intervened at one point. I still wanted to go and talk to him to try and talk sense into him, by every one was afraid he woukd shoot me if he saw me coming in the lane. It's just so hard to believe he did this and now there is never a chance to fix things! 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Aw thanks Stresshead and FF, but I was apologising because I mistakedly thought that Sarcol may have had issues with her Dad, which she doesn't. So felt conscious about that. 

I'm so sorry you've both had so much sorrow and loss too. FF, my bruv also had Bi-Polar. I too have it and feel convinced it was brought on by this prolonged run of major traumas, which included both my boob cancers. You're still trying to recover from one, when another happens. That that then can affect the balance of brain chemicals normally produced to help you cope with stress. I also think such traumas can produce Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, which may then contribute to or cause Bi-Polar developing.

I'm also on my own and not working at the moment, so that probably exacerbates it, not having distractions to take my mind off things, so tending to dwell more.

Yeh, suicide is extremely difficult to come to terms with FF. Did you feel guilty too??

Thanks for your replies girls. Hope you're both doing well with treatments/recovery.

 

Lotsa love Delly xxx 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Delly, Wow some of your life and death experiences felt like you were talking about my life! My mom was 74 still working full time and her back started hurting. She hurt so bad she went to ER. They discovered tumors in liver, which metaststic small cell lung cancer. She was gone in a year. I found my dad in bed with a stroke. He recovered to a very functional level then had a heart attack and another stroke followed by more strokes. He also was gone in a year. I was sitting holding my dad's, and when he dIed. Next came my oldest be brother who was single and lived alone in what hadbeen my parents home. I hadn't heard from in a few days, I went to check on him. He was dead on the floor from an insulin reaction.  Then this past May my younger brother committed suicide. He  hadn't spoke to me in years, bc he was crazy from Bi-polar. His death hurts the most. I still feel like I'm in shock from this!  I have no siblings left. All of these deaths didn't happen at once they were spaced out by a few tears each.It is a very lonely feeling without all of them. I try to explain this to my kids. I keep telling them to get over their differences and always stay in contact with each other. Sorry I rambled so long! FF

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Delly, you werent 'babbling on'...what you wrote was brilliant. A wake up call for us all i think. What a truly agonising time you've had....i thought i'd had it rough with losing my mum to metastatic bc and my sister being diagnosed with primary....and i'm sure your comments were welcomed.

This awful disease seems to affect every relationship in some way. My husband resents my dad cos he doesnt seem to acknowledge my illness (i'm sure he does but chooses not to harp on about it) but then he seems to resent most people because they can carry on with their lives and we just live in a 'bubble'.

I have certainly found out who my real true friends are and have to say they have been wonderful...my lifeline at times. Everyone has to work through (or accept) the problems this demon throws up. It isnt easy for anyone and i always feel guilty for putting them through it.

I try to remember the mantra...'.learn to change the things you cant accept and accept the things you cannot change'...cant always live by it but its worth a try. x

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Awwww Sarcol,

I'm so sorry you're struggling physically and frustrated by and with it. Hope you're feeling better and more actively able soon. Are you still having treatments or are you finished but still recovering??

I'm also soo glad to hear that you 'do' have a good relationship with your Dad and that I needn't have babbled on (nothing unusual for me there!!) the way I did then, hey? Sorry about that.

Have a good time, in a more chillaxed way.

Loadsa love

Delly xxx     

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Thank you so much for your comments ladies. I love my Dad it's just neither of us is very good at just hanging out. I've realised today that I think I'm just a bit sad and angry that I'm not well enough to do all the fun outdoorsy stuff we used to do when we would see each other. I think we need to work out how to get over this and just hang out some how (plus a to do list up my sleeve if he can't sit still!) Thank you!

Charys
Community Champion

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

He loves you and just wants to see you sarcol, to check you are ok, and wants to feel he is 'doing something'. As a parent he must feel helpless and I wish I'd had that type of response from my mother, who is/was disinterested and this has caused me pain. If you are uncomfortable with 'the support' and I do kind of get why you might be (as it's a reminder of your diagnosis? you possibly feel you don't need it and nothing will make a difference to you ? or he isn't hugely good at support anyway and you want to just get on with things yourself?) I agree with a previous post, give him a specific job or responsibility to take care of. Hard to think of something though isn't it......errrr......clearing the garden ( or my garden ? Lol) 

 

x

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Marion - I don't think "guilt" comes into it, but that any loving, caring parent doesn't want their child (whatever age) to suffer, or "go" before they do, and it isn't the normal order of life. My Mum feared it with me, but fortunately, she departed before me.

I'm gonna step down from this post now, because I feel I'm interfering with  Sarcols initial post.

Hope you're all doing well, whatever stages you are up to with ops and treatments.

Much love

Delly xxx 

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

I'm lucky enough to still have both my parents. They have been really hit hard by my diagnosis a second time round, particularly as they are older and further away than when I had my primary dx. They still want to do all they can to help - I think it is partly their way of coping and partly because I'll always be their child that they want to fix things for (even though I'm nearly 50!) I suspect there is also an irrational element of guilt / wanting it to be them not me.

 

If you do have a good relationship, or one you want to repair, then it's worth accepting the offer if it's kindly meant. Some people are better at showing love through practical action rather than words - for example, If your dad is handy, is there anything around the house that he could fix for you?

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

Stacey - bless you for putting it far more succinctly, briefly than I did, and how lovely of those people that you barely knew, offered what they did. It renews your faith in that there are still many kindhearted people out there and not necessarily out of pity, but compassion perhaps. Yep - all of what you've said IS support. Just the fact that someone is actually wanting/asking/offering to spend time with you IS support when you're going through this gawd damn awful disease (that's putting it politely!!).

Delly xxx

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

I agree with Delly.  If someone offers support take them up on it.  People that I've barely had a full conversation with have asked me out for lunch or coffee.  In my head I think they are acting out of "pity" for me and maybe they are; but I've been accepting anyway.  

 

If your dad lives some distance from you then I would ask him to stay a couple of nights so you can chat and spend time together.  Go out for a meal together, see a movie together, just do normal stuff together.  

That's support.  

Re: Offer support - what does that even mean?

lAwwww, Sarcol.

Half of me knows what you mean. BC can make and leave you intolerant to peoples offers of "support" and things people say in an attempt to be supportive, but so often ISN'T. And the other half is quite frankly "touched" by your Dad's offer. Have a think/ponder on that. Not knowing ANYthing about you, your Dad or your relationship, to me it's an offer not to be refused. I'm sensing, there are or have been "issues" between you two?? He's reaching out to you with a very sensitive gesture. Please take and accept it and see what it brings.

I've lost all my family in the last 10 years of my breast cancer. My dad to a very aggressive form of lung cancer, that basically gave him a year and a half to live, and which I made the absolute most of to spend as much time poss, doing all sorts of things that he enjoyed. He literally died in my arms when I had to help him off the loo, pull his pants up (how undignified for him) and help him back to his bed. He suddenly became a dead weight, and I knew that was it. I actually heard his last breath leave his body in an unforgettable sigh. I was shocked and traumatised for a long time after.

Then,six years later, I found my Mum dead on her bedroom floor. A ruptured Aortic aneurysm. Would have been very very quick, which was of some consellation, but lost one of my best friends and such a "rock", "support" to me through all my BC, me not having a partner.

Then two years later, my brother committed suicide - hung himself. He was the last of my family, apart from my cat (soft I know). That was majorly traumatic. Has taken me years to come to terms with it all. Yes, I'd not had a "perfect" relationship with any of them, without disagreements and arguments. And then to boot, I had to have my cat put down last month. She had a stroke which paralysed her back legs and left her in a sorry state.

 

I'm not stating any of this to you for sympathy, but merely to hopefully impress on you the "fragility" of life, and hopefully, the importance of your direct blood family. To perhaps try to find a way to unite with your Dad and give him a chance and If you do and he says all the wrong things - tell him what you DO want and need to hear. Your BC diagnosis will, I'm sure, have been a shock to him and he sounds worried. Other people, like yourself, aren't used to dealing with it, but them even more so.

I would give anything to have my family back.

I hope this gives you some food for thought. I'm not lecturing you, just merely hoping it may allow you to see things differently Sarcol.

 

How are you are doing well in your BC treatments/recovery??

Delly xxx

 

Offer support - what does that even mean?

My Dad keeps saying he wants to come and see me and offer support. I'm finding it difficult as I don't want to be ungrateful but at the same time it frustrates me. I hate this 'offer support' - how exactly? I need to direct him but I honestly don't know what support I particularly need. Anyone else in the same boat and got any ideas?