Picking ME up again

[sarssquatty]

Bumping this up for Karen 1971, and other ladies whom it might help.

I have just reached my 5 years and celebrated. so I know what you are all going through at this time of year. I was Dx in Dec 2007, and had my op on 31st Dec. I then had 6 lots of chemo, and 4 weeks of rads.


Sarah x x x

[Guest user]

thanks Sarah - know those feeeling well. xxx

[sarssquatty]

Just bumping this up for Jane
Sarah X

[Guest user]

Thanks for this,
mirrors everything I have felt over the last month or so.
Well done.
Jeanie

[sarssquatty]

Just bumping this up for some ladies who have asked about it.

Sarah x

[sarssquatty]

Thanks Lizzy,

Yes I'm ok think I just had a little blip this year, which started about Dec I think I was going through my "firsts". I'm not sure the counselling has helped but I have a good moan! So it hasn't done any harm, lets put it that way!

It's funny when you are going through it and for a while after people listen, talk and care, and are very supportive, then suddenly it all stops, as if "well you have got over it now", so we needen't talk about it any more. This is very noticeable at work, where no one asks at all!!! In fact I'm still on reduced hours and I don't think they have noticed LOL!

Thanks for saying I was coping admirably and supporting others that was nice to hear.

I've just put another "ditty" on (wont be brave enough to call it a poem!) called Looking Back, (it's in living with Breast cancer)
I had so many words going round my head one night I just let them flow, so I put it on last night. I don't come on here as much these days as its finding the time as I work full time then I'm knackered and waiting to go to bed!!
Sarah x

[LizzyM]

Hi Sarah
Just found this, I had my 1st mammo Dec 08, month after my 50th, so it really hit home, the poem is brilliant, sums up the feelings around that first recall appt so well.

How are you now, hope the counselling helps, ironically, reading the postss you were making last year, you sounded to be coping admirably! - as well as supporting others on the forums.
Hope you are OK

Thanks again for the poem - agree with the person who said friends and family should read it!

Take care
Lizzy M

[kittenkat]

thankyou sarah - as a newbie - unfortunately - to all this - was diagnosed on jan 7th and had my surgery on 28th and about to start chemo next week.....knocked for 6 doesn't cover it does it??? MAry x

[sarssquatty]

Just bumping this up, as it might help some of you who have recently been DX.

I think about this poem a lot and my feelings, around the time of DX.

I don't know if this has happened to anyone else? but "apparently" I have Post Traumatic Stress as I did not cope with my feelings at the time of DX. So I'm now having counselling!

Is anybody else still feeling down all the time?

I have found the article by Dr Peter Harvey After The Treatment Finishes, very interesting and useful.

Sarah X

[Guest user]

My mammo was 22 January and now, nearly a year down the line, after mast/recon/chemo/rads, depressed, unrecognisable, probably more anxious than at any point this year and unable to articulate why... I'm still not sure it's sunk in.

Thanks for this beautiful summary of how very many of us feel, or have felt.

[sarssquatty]

Hi Starfish

Thanks, yes I look in the mirror and don't recognise the person staring back at me. I feel 180 most days and I am still tired 6 months post chemo!

Sarah

[ForumMember]

What a cord this struck with me. Diagnosed on 6/2/08 and continuous treatment and hospital appointments ever since. A year ago I had no idea. Had two boobs and a full head of hair and didnt know a thing about cancer and chemo side effects or any of it. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I feel 20 years older. Was a young 56 I thought. So so tired I can hardly drag myself out of bed most days. But you all see light at the end of the tunnel and hopefully so will I. Thank you for a lovely poem.

[sarssquatty]

Hi Karen

Hope your anniversary wasn't too stressful, mine is coming up too 12th Dec, year ago today, date wise I had that first mammogram. I am more postive now, but I feel a bit anxious some days and I am re living the nightmare coming up to my anniversary, there is before and after, isn't there. I do ignore a lot of people but many people just do not know and I think for me it was better that way.

I did write a poem about chemo, I might put it on here one day.

Love and hugs

Sarah

[owls4eva]

Hi Sarssquatty

It my anniversary today a whole year since dx and what a year it has been, I know exactly what you mean about looking in the mirror and not recognising the person staring back at you. Your poem summed up exactly how I felt at the beginning of the year but I must admit I feel much more positive now and tend to ignore the stupid people who dont know how I managed to get through it DOH.

Have you wrote any other poems?

Love and hugs

Karen

[sarssquatty]

Hi Elsie

Yes you can use this verse.

Sarah x

[Guest user]

'You need to be strong/ stay strong/ you are so strong/ how can you be so strong .... ' yep, we hear all of that, all the time, as though we had a choice in the matter when all we are trying to do is just get on with it!

I don't feel particularly strong and some days I feel like just giving up and staying in bed with a good book - but you can't tell others that or they think you have become depressed and then all the 'you have to stay strong' stuff is trotted out again.

Sorry for sounding a little jaded but your poem hit a raw nerve for me - I am so glad someone else feels just like me! 🙂

[Guest user]

Couldn't believe when I read your verse it was written nearly a year ago-it could have been myself I was reading about! Had a clear mammo in January a week after my 50th, then found a lump in September-dx 11th Oct, op 31st and waiting results on Monday! Would like to use your verse to let people know how I feel-just because I look so healthy and am getting on with life doesn't mean I am fine despite what I say when folk ask.....does that make sense?? Thanks for putting into words everything I feel! x

[sarssquatty]

Thanks rarebird, sal and lisaf, and jane.

I will e mail you jane or whisper back, but the answer is yes. I feel flattered that you want to use it. I feel honoured that so many people have found this useful. I just felt at the time it summed up my feelings and it helped me. I'm coming round to my "first" it's nearly 12 months since I was DX!

Even know I still get "I don't know how you went through what you did", or "where did you get the strength from?", well I don't know but we do don't we?

I still get very emotional somedays, and still wonder if the past 12 months have been a dream or a nightmare.

Then I look at my veins, and my hair and know it was real!!!

Then I look in the mirror and wonder who is staring back at me!

Hugs Sarah

[ForumMember]

Hi Sarssquatty

This is wonderful and sums up all the emotions that are going through all of us. Especially on days like today when you seem to have "down days".

You are a very clever lady. Hope you are getting the support you need. Sometimes you can feel very isolated.

Hugs
x

[Guest user]

What a poem that was ... made me smile..
and sum's it all up
sal x

[lisaf]

This made me cry as mirrors my feelings - its lovely
Thanks for sharing
xxx

[sarssquatty]

Bumpimg this up for Jaydeek and any newcomers

Sarah X

[Guest user]

Chin up! We all say it, have said it. Before and after BC. But it can grate when it is everyone you meet that says it. Makes you think about the words we say in all innocence. A great poem all the same!

Irene

[Guest user]

Sarah

Great poem.!!!! Thank you.

[Guest user]

Sarah -
No doubt it took much for you to share this -- but it does show what a lovely person you are. I am echoing Me1999.
When I first started this treament and learned about BC, had a long postponed lunch with a collegue. She is Russian, and we had always had a nice relationship, all work. During this lunch, she told me about her son who dies at age 25..and that I would be suprised at the reaction of friends. Those who I would think would be supportive, might not. Others would come forward to be a good friend. Folks can only handle what their minds will let them. It is just too close to home for many. So be aware. She also said, in her wonderful Russian accent (probably aimed at my boss), "Don't take any s@@@ from anyone!; this is your life, do what you have to do." Wow.

Your wonderful poem hit home -- this isn't a statistic, this is ME. Yes, makes a big different. They talk about chin up, be positive, good vibes, all of that and it is difficult for them to know how it feels to have double poison inside you. Cancer and chemo. What a pair. You have done a great job of summarizing those feelings!!!! Thanks you.

Emily
xxx

[sarssquatty]

Just bumping this up to help any one who wants to read it x

[rachy7]

YES! Sums up bc in a nutshell for me.

Rachy

[sarssquatty]

Just bumping this up for new comers who might want to read it.

Sarah x

[sarssquatty]

GillMC and Nicola71,

I'm glad it's helped you in some way, and made you smile, I know people try to help us, but sometimes it doesn't help does it and until it's you, I suppose you really have no idea what it feels like, I've had a "don't envy you that one" this week! So will have to work that in my new verse somewhere!!

Take Care

[Guest user]

Sarah, Absolutely brilliant, you have put everything in verse what we all have been going through, thanks it made me smile something I am not doing enough of.

GillMc xxx ((((( x )))))

[Guest user]

Thanks for sharing that sarssquatty - even though some people are great (and some not so great!) only someone else going through the same thing can understand how it really is. I like the last verse particularly!

[sarssquatty]

Thanks Kelyn, glad you are getting your life back

Thanks Mel, glad it made you smile,

Suppose I need to do the next instalment now as I'm about to start Chemo, I will wait for the inspiration to hit me! I'm "positive" it's there somewhere!

Sarah

[Guest user]

Well My Dear Sarssquatty!
I love it It made me smile, weep, wince and smile again, as I know what a lovely person you are!

Tender hugs & wishes

Mel your Staffs buddy!!!
xx

[Guest user]

sarssquatty
well done that was brilliant.
and more to the point SNAP!!!!!!
i had my mammo just 1 month after my big 50th, had a recall and cancer was the last thing on my mind. I didn't get clear margins so had to have more removed and also SNAP it managed to get to 1 lymph node
this was last year - diagnoised valentines day, first op 1/3/07, I've had my chemo, my rads and now on hormone tablets and getting my life back

good luck with the treatment, it will go faster than what you think!!!

[sarssquatty]

Thanks Karen and Jill, I never thought I would be writing a poem about this, but I was having a bad time last week and it kinda came to me in a flash, it's taken me a few days to share it, but if it has helped you then I am glad I have done it.
X Sarah

[Guest user]

Really great, thanks for sharing it with us, sums up eveyrthing we are are going through.

Love Jillxx

[owls4eva]

This is absolutely fantastic and sums up exactly how I feel, maybe we should all print this off and give it to our family and fiends so they may get an idea of what it really feels like to be us!!

Sending hugs

Karen

[sarssquatty]

One month after my 50th I had my Mammogram
Wasn't so bad I thought, until the letter dropped through the door
RECALLED, a clinic appointment had been made for me
(Most people who are recalled after their first time are fine)
Better to be safe than sorry, don't worry
Mammogram, Ultra Sound, Core Biopsy
My Head was in a spin too much to take in-
Could this really be happeningto ME?

"Keep your chin up"
"Be strong, stay positive, it won't be long"
"I'm sure you will be ok"
RESULTS DAY
Dismay - You have BC
Woosh to the floor
"Sure it won't have spread, caught early good prognosis"
All I think and feel is DEAD

"You were lucky, good job you went for that Mammogram"
Frankly when it's you who gives a d...
still more "Chins up"
"I know it's easy for me to say! I'm sure you will be ok"

Friends, neighbours, colleagues, all have a tale to tell about BC
"Don't know how I would cope, if it happened to me"
(almost said with glee), smile benignly, malignant inside
They wonder why they don't want people to know CONFIDENTIALITY

OPERATION" You'll be fine"
Don't worry, stay strong"
"have a good time!", best place to be
But this is happening to ME

Phones ring - txts are sent, "glad it went well"
cards arrive, visitors too
Waiting for the follow up appointment
Don't know what to do with myself

Day arrives "more chins up"
"sure it won't have spread"
"too small, caught early"
More whooshing to the floor

Good news tumor out, margins clear, cancer free Yippee
BUT 10 lymphs out 1 positive
Not too bad, could be worse, I want to curse

More "Chins up", be positive, stay strong
waiting won't be too long

See the ONC who's very nice
but worst fear is realised
Suggests Chemo. TAX and FEC
What the heck- This is ME
Chin up , as I hit the floor once more

Could be worse. I know
There's lots of people out there with lots of woe
But doesn't it make you think?
Careful what I eat, exercise and drink
Yet I have become 1 in 8 (a statistic I hate)
Before all this I had a life
Now all I feel is grief, anger and strife

So here's to all my BC Buddies
Get that chin up,
Drag "strong", "positive" and "don't worry" from where you threw them last
And let's give LIFE a wonderful blast!

Hope this helps some of you, it has me!