I’ve just tried to support another member here and realised that I’d like to feel supported too…
I live on my own and now that active treatment is over there is no one in my world that has any idea how I’m feeling! Not even here on the forum.
After a very shaky start recovering from my mx in February with countless problems en route I’m free of treatment and hospital visits.
It took some time getting used to being without the medical nurture that visits offered, returned to more work where a professional face was needed and generally tried to locate aspects of my old life and initiate new activities more suited to the new ME!
I’ve attacked it with vigour and recognised that there has been so much learning through this journey… I’ve tried hard and done well but the sadness creeps in…
I have to work really hard then to stop this sadness becoming a low mood. My danger is a low mood can lead to depression. I try and keep busy and stop the sadness overwhelming me but I’m so tired.
I’m so very tired trying to keep my emotional fire burning brightly!
No one in my world has any idea that this is happening…
Everyone thinks it’s glorious when your treatment is over and I looked forward to it too but it’s far harder to sustain an even mentality than I ever thought.
Maybe my expectations were too high.
Maybe I tried too hard to become a ‘normal’ member of society again.
Maybe I’m an attention seeker because I miss the nurture.
Maybe I’m trying too hard too soon…
It’s a year since my dx and my first mammogram is approaching… I keep wondering whether this anniversary is triggering such thoughts of self criticism which are spiralling out of control???
I wouldn’t speak to anyone else like I speak to myself, would I?
I would praise and support another woman who has gone through such a journey and yet here I am constantly full of guilt that I’m not managing better… The spiral of self criticism!
I just know that this new stage of recovery brings so much doubt, anxiety and confusion. I am no longer the woman I was and I feel I’ve lost my sexuality. (That’s just a little side issue!!!)
Who am I now?
I will stop now before I write into the morning light…
I could write so much more!
I feel as if I’m in a confessional…
Wobbly Welsh girl x