I found out ten days ago that my lovely mum has been diagnosed with bc. The whole family have been going through all the usual emotions anger, sadness etc etc. But are trying to be upbeat and positive for the sake of my mum. She is one of the sweetest people you could ever meet. She is totally selfless, (she will buy a big issue magazine of every seller she sees in one afternoon. My husbands mum died of breast cancer, many years ago, and the first thing she said to him was “I am so sorry to have this, it must be a horrible reminded of your poor mother”. Comments like that humble me to how well she is coping with this.
She was diagnosed via a mammogram. She had one three years ago and it was clear. She was told to come back as they had found something suspicious and they were concerned. She had a biopsy and it was found she had a 4 cm 2nd stage invasive cancer. This has been caused by HRT. They were going to do surgery, but have put her on a drug which begins with L, (hopefully someone will know what it is called). They have said if they did the surgery now a full masectomy would be required, but if she takes this for three months, it should hopefully reduce the tumour so that she will only need a lumpectomy. My sister and mines initial response was just get “it out” but after a nights sleep think maybe this is the way to go. They have done tests and have found that she is very compatible with this drug and the chances of this working are 8 out of 10 which is very good statistics. They will check her after six weeks to make sure it is working and then after about three months they will do the surgery. She will also need radiotherapy and not chemotherapy. They have done an ultra sound on the area and have said the nodes look unaffected. But obviously they will not know for sure until they have opened her up which is three months down the line. We are worried that doing this will prevent them finding out for three months if the nodes have been infected. Also they have not mentioned a body scan to see if the cancer has moved to any other parts of the body. Can anybody please give me some advise as quite frankly I am petrafied and the thought of loosing my mum is destroying me. Thanks for reading this.
Much love.
Jules xxxxx
Hi jules
i know it is had i have it myself at 38 but you need to be strong for her joke about things to her this will keep her sprits up. when i told my mum who is 80 she said you are strong and can fight it then started taking the mickey out of me with my husband.
just be strong for her and be there when you are needed.
tell her how much you love her and do anything she wants you to do for her.
love
liz xx
Thank you Liz
My mums favourite colour is pink, she wears pink all the time and today I did try to crack a joke about trust her to get the cancer colour which would coordinate with her clothes.
xx
Hi Jules
Really feel for you and all the family right now. Try not to worry yourself too much about the three month wait, all the time that your mother is on the drug it will be killing any cancer cells that are there and reducing the tumour. If she has been told her nodes look ok and has already been told she doesn’t need chemo, then that’s a very good sign. My BC nurse keeps telling me that most women that are diagnosed these days have a very good outcome. It is scary and the treatment isn’t pleasant and any cancer diagnosis is enough to freak anyone out - it did me when I got mine - i’m 39 and have just finished chemo and have had my surgery (a lumpectomy). I’m now about to start radiotherapy and herceptin… a long road ahead still but it’s great that there are so many options available to us nowadays. In a few days/weeks time, the shock will become less and your mum will be reassured by her treatment and the fact that it’s been dealt with… it will be all behind you at some stage, you just need to grit your teeth and batten down the hatches for a while… six months ago i thought my world had ended… turns out i feel happier today than I did before diagnosis… something to do with enjoying the things i have, it can sometimes take something like this to make you appreciate the little things all over again. Sending you love and strength and all the luck in the world to your mum. Carrie x
p.s. sorry jules, forgot to say, a large majority of us with primary bc don’t get a full body scan initially - it’s only if a lot of your nodes are up or if you’re symptomatic of secondary bc (i.e. are exhibiting symptoms which suggest it has spread)… i was told by my surgeon that as breast cancer cells are so tiny that at an early stage they would not show up on a scan of the liver, lungs and bones as they haven’t had enough time to multiply and form tumours… i was desperat for a scan but he smiled and said he didn’t think a surgeon in the land would scan me at this stage! They do know what they’re doing so hope you can put some faith in their plan of action for your mum. best, carrie x
Thank you Carrie, what a lovely message. I feel so moved by some of the kindness I have received in such a short time on this site. How are things going with your treatment? Hopefully your message sounds like things are very positive. Thank you for taking the time to write me two very long and interesting replies.
I hope you continue to get better and send you lots of good wishes.
Love jules xxx
I think in some ways it is worse being a relative looking on, you can’t really do anything except listen and offer practical help, the odd bunch of flowers, bottle of wine etc.
Keep yourself busy and make sure you watch plenty of comedy on TV and films. I find it extremely easy to dwell on gloom and doom but from what I’ve read whether you think positive or are the biggest negative thinker, as I am it makes absolutely no difference to the outcome but it’s more pleasant to be happy than miserable
I rejected all help from my family by the way, I couldn’t stand their sympathetic looks. I felt fine most of the time although knackered and cross - why had it happened to me? To which the answer was ‘why not me?’
I found my lump aged 47 in 2003
toodle pip
Mole
Thank you Mole. It is still quite fresh and the shock still has not gone. I guess once the treatment starts properly and we start to get results we might start to feel more at ease with this. It is such a huge shock, and nothing can prepare you for it.
J x
Hello Jules, just saw your messages…I am maybe about your mothers age (56) had a tumour same grade but a bit smaller than your Mum’s. (Also had HRT but the specialist said it wasnt caused by that). I too was upset that the Chemo was before the radiotherapy, but i can see the logic that the chemo hopefully will kill any cells taht have ‘got away’. your Mum almost certainly wont have any new tumours yet, and is VERY likely to survive to be ancient (I’m certainly intending to). Will she learn to use this website? Its so wonderful to talk to others going through it with you…
Just one prctical thing, ask the doctors if she can have sentinel node biopsy.They inject blue/radioactive dye into the breast before surgery, so they can see the breast nodes in your armpit and remove only those. I’ve spoken to a few ladies who didnt have the option and wished they had. It may be that the surgeon doesnt think its appropriate, but its worth asking.
Keep being upbeat, the worst thing for me was seeing the pain on my son’s face when I told him.
My very best wishes to your Mum, and love to you, Zoe
Thank you Zoe, my mum is a bit older than you she is mid sixties. Aww so sorry to here about your poor son. I admit it has been breaking my heart this week. I seem to go through different emotions daily. One day I am ok, the next I am emotional and keep breaking down and other days I feel tremendous anger. Today is an anger day. I just feel so helpless and want my mum to get better, and feel so bloody useless. I think they will be taking the sentinel node out when they do the surgery, but I am not entirely sure, so thank you very much for that useful information.
How are you doing with your treatment?
Love Jules xxxx
It was going very well until yesterday, I had to miss a chemo because white blood cells too low! But I’ve been lucky, thats the first time. Big hug to you and your Mum, (tell her to have a giggle at some of the funny posts on this website)
love Zoe x
Hi there Zoe, sorry you had to miss your chemo and hope you can resume your treatment really soon. Thank you for the hugs, I will pass them on. I have tried to get my mum to read this website, but she has told me she would rather forget about it (like thats really possible) and pretend she is not ill and coming on here will just reinforce it. I guess we all deal with things differently, but thank you.
Love Jules xx
Hi Jules, I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and how worrying it is for you. I’m 51, with girls of 21 and 16 and a son of 19, separated from their father, but he is still a close friend and coming to all my appointments. Everyone deals with it in their own way: youngest had a look at the scars and swellings from surgery the day I got home after mastectomy and immediate breast reconstruction, but other than that she blocks it out, won’t discuss it and hasn’t told any of her friends. My son is quiet but asks questions when it’s just the two of us. Eldest (and her dad) are up-front, constantly telling me I’ll be fine, because I’m so “strong” and the family are behind me. The fact is there are some tough months ahead. She’s hurt and offended when I ask them to back off, accusing me of pushing them away. Please let your mum lead the way in how she deals with this, and believe she knows and deeply appreciates how hard it is for all of you too. Love, Lyn xxxx
PS do remember Jules that it will help your mum a lot to know you are looking after yourself properly too - eating and sleeping sensibly (easier said than done), keeping yourself well is really important and she won’t want to see you struggling, it means something else for her to think about. My eldest had a massage today as a treat from her partner and the therapist immediately said she was terribly tense and knotted, asked her how she dealt with stress and if anything exceptional had happened recently to upset her… she’s been advised to have regular treatments and been given calming exercises, it was a really helpful experience for her. Be gentle on yourself and your mum knows you are there for her. xxxxx
hi jules
hope all sprits are high and keep cracking those jokes with your mum.
love
liz
Hi Jules I am 64[about your Mums age]and have a 33year old daughter who worries about me as you do about your mum.I had a grade 2 2cm lump which was triple negative I had surgery,chemo and rads and am now 19 months on from my diagnosis and enjoying my life.My daughter had her first baby 2 weeks before my dx and I was so sad not to be able to do all the things we had promised ourselves.However I now look after the baby[toddler now]one day a week.The point is that my daughters love and care were invaluable as yours will be to your mum.Just be there and you will eventually have lots of very happy times together.Our disease is horrible but most of us live with it and it can be made much easier by the support of our families and friends.Good luck,Valxx
Thank you ladies for your valuable comments. My father has started picking holes in things today, silly things that I wont go into, but I guess he is angry at the moment, and feels having a go at me helps him. Today I feel totally crap.
xx
Hi Jules,
Sorry you’ve had such an awful day today.
I expect your Dad is feeling very frustrated and angry and just not dealing with things very well.
It is very difficult being on the outside watching someone you love go through a dx of cancer, as you yourself know only too well now.
Reading through your posts your Mum is lucky to have such a wonderful caring daughter and both your parents, if they could read them, would be so proud of you.
Your Dad is not angry with you but with what is happening to your Mum, and is probably lashing out blindly. Try not to take it personally, things will calm down again.
Keep posting, even if it’s just to offload. we’re all here for you.
Wishing you a better day tomorrow,
Love
Jackie xx
I decided I should edit what happened as I suddenly felt really guilty for writing it down on here.
Thank you for your lovely comments about me, it brought a tear to my eye.
Jules xx