I have been divorced for 7 years. I have one daughter. Both my ex husband and I have new partners.
We have both left everything we have to our daughter, houses and belongings, but in both of our wills we have included a clause which allows our new partners to live in the houses which we own for the rest of their lives if they so wish, as long as it's just for themselves. If they don't wish to live in these houses they then immediatley come into to my daughters posession. They will always belong to her.
I now live on a farm belonging to my partner so we don't actually need my house to live in (it's my little nest egg, so to speak)but we may live in it when my partner retires.
I have always had an up to date will under any circumstances, I think that some people are very reluctant to make one as it sometimes makes you face your own mortality, but I think it's better to have one when your fit an well as it seems to me more upsetting if you feel you need to make one out of extreme necessity.
Thanks for the link - it did work, but I think it needs a warning! 😞
This is the first time that I have gone back and accessed an archive and it upset me to see so many people posting who are no longer with us. Many of them I have never communicated with directly, yet reading their responses made them 'come more alive' to me. I had read messages about Kay and Jayne recently and had felt very upset for those who knew them and angry too, that BC had taken them away. So reading their thoughts has really upset me Tonight. I suppose it is inevitable as we are dealing with a life threatening illness, however I was totally unprepared for how much this has shaken me up and how upset I became.
I suppose we should be thinking that their thoughts being 'left' are a legacy to us all and it is nice that they are still helping others. So to all our absent friends I want to say a big thank you for leaving us something that we can value so much.
Nicky - Thank you for adding the link, I think I have to accept there will be many times like this. The advice offered is good and I was able to laugh through my tears!
I am a 'glass full' type of person, so I guess I need to turn this around to saying that lots of people posting (you included) were possibly only given a couple of years and many of you, thankfully are still here defying the odds, 'living' with cancer, not dying from it!
Take care everybody
I've found the link:
however I'm not sure if you can access it directly from this posting. However it's on page 23 of 'Living with Secondary Breast Cancer' part of the forum, near the bottom of the page. I haven't re-read it all yet so I'm not sure what we all concluded then but it may be worth a read through. I certainly remember it getting funny at times, at least we can laugh or joke about these matters 😉
This is very interesting and a bit deja vu as we had a similar (same!) thread about a year or so ago on the secondaries forum. We nicknamed the 'issue' as being the 'Floosie Clause' which sums it up I think! There were some very funny comments in it so I don't think anyone is offended or thought of as being insensitive if this question is asked. If I can find the link I'll post it but it was the same idea - how do you protect your children's inheritance if you partner remarries after you have died. I will read through these comments in more detail as it's something my husband and I must do. We need to change our wills anyway as both our daughters are now over 18 whereas the previous (current) wills deal with them being looked after should we die when they were under 18. As Jodie has said it's most likely to be me that dies first as I now have secondaries but (just to keep OH happy) we'll write it for him as well!
Good to see this posting. Im a single parent, my son was 17 and had left home to live with his dad-we split when he was 2-I own my own house and have a partner, but dont live together.
The first thing I did after DX-even before treatment- was to write a will with a solicitor that secured his future, and he cant touch it till hes 21(would buy a very fast car if he could !!)
I also wrote personal instructions for him and for my family if I didnt get thru the surgery/treatment.
Its been very reassuring to have this in place and take the doubt out of the inevitable process.
Good luck to you all
yes, go and see a solicitor, homemade wills lead to all kindds of problems, a decent solicitor will make sure you and your children are covered and it doesn't cost much. You sound like you have many of the answers to potential problems, so it should be straightforward. You can write a side letter to the will to explain why you don't want your ex to have your daughter live with him, so that if there ever is a dispute, your reasoning will be there for all to see. Also a solicitor will put in alternatives, such as who could care for your daughter if your son was unable to for any reason?
The last post has set me thinking !!
I don't have an OH so that's not a problem but I have 3 kids 21,16 and 10. In my will my eldest son would become my little girls legal guardian if anything happens to me and she has already said she wants to live with him not her Dad as they don't get on very well.
I am now concerned that her wishes may not be taken into account and, I know it sounds malicious, but would expect her Dad to only want her to see if he can get his hands on some money from my will.
I have said that the money is split 3 ways but Mary's would be held in trust until she is 18 and the trust managed by my eldest and my brother.
Now I am worrying as I wrote the will myself rather than via a solicitor.
Any thoughts ??
How much I admire you for confronting this instead of just ignoring it!
Others have said much of what I was going to say but how about getting your husband to have Parental Responsibility for your son? Otherwise the default position is for your son to live with his biological dad, easier to sort this out now. If the biological dad will agree to your husband having this then that's really straightforward, if not then your husband will have to apply to the court and show that he has had day to day care of your son and therefore "deserves" to have it awarded. I found all this out when I was first dx.
I am on my second marriage and most of the house equity was originally mine so we have the house as tenants in common and have drawn up a trust deed apportioning it 85%/15%. I have left my 85% to my sons and if I die, my husband can live here for the rest of his natural unless he re-marries.
It's hard to talk about these things but it's got to be done
My very best wishes
Hi Everyone, I'm in a similar position to Val. My husband and I have two grown up children each. We have mirror wills leaving everything to each other and then when he dies (I'm sure I'll go first as I have secondaries) it's to be split in four equal parts. The problem of course is that when I go, he could then change his mind (and his will) and exclude my children. I don't think for one minute he would do that at the moment but as has been said earlier by other ladies - you just never know what influences will be about at that time - he may marry again = ggrrrr or live with someone = bigger ggrrr. So the bottom line is, see a solicitor and go over your options which is what I suppose we should all be doing, it's just getting round to it. It's the sort of thing people put off for another day. Anyway, I don't suppose this has been any help at all, but thought I'd stick my two pennorth in. Hope you are all well and having a good and painfree day. Lotsa love, Dianne x x x
I am in a similar position though all 'children' are adults now.I have 2 children and oh has 3.We have 'mirror wills' which leave everything to one another then when the second one dies all money to be split in half.Half to my children and half to his.It was going to be 5 equal parts but we have fallen out with his daughter[or she with us]and she is excluded unless his sons choose to share.The difference is that we are older 74 and 66 and neither would contemplate marrying again.I too would recommend you see a solicitor.
I can feel your emotional torment in the way you write and that is very familiar to me. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.
I've just made an appointment to go and sign my new will which goes some way to protecting what is rightly my son's.
I have a son from my first marriage and two step-children.
There are things which happened before I was dx and also after which have helped me to make the decision to change my will.
Initially for me it wasn't trusting someone to do the right thing. It was doing this for my son, knowing that he will have that gift directly from me and that I have taken steps to ensure that will happen.
I went to see a solicitor, and some solicitors will see you for half an hour for no charge. The advice was very clear and she told me that I should protect my son's inheritance.
My husband and I had made mirror wills come years ago and so if anything happened to me everything would be his with my son having no claim at all. Of course that worked the other way round too.
I am also in the process of drawing up a list of my personal possessions which probably have very little monetary value but will be of huge sentimental value to my son. This list will be placed with my will so that he will get all the things I want him to have.
I hope this helps you. If you would like me to write in more depth or if I can help any further please PM me.
Hi Nicky i have the same nagging doubts even though my kids are much older i want their inheritance to stay their inheritance.
i was planning to marry my partner not my kids dad but since i developed a new cancer last year thats the last thing on my mind.... although he would marry me tomorrow if he got the chance.
i have written my will which leaves my house (i own it outright) and my finances to my kids.... but in scotland if you get married your spouse can make a claim to everything... not that i think he would but i worry that if i wasnt here (i dont have secondaries but do have brca 2 mutation) he could remarry and his new wife could make a claim on my estate.
i have managed to bring myself back from the brink of living on thin air at one point in my life to being comfortably well off... through hard work and determination.... i dont think my OH would even want the money anyway but who knows what he might decide in the future or what influences he may have.
my kids are teenagers but my daughter is older but has a learning disability so both would need some kind of financial support for the next 5 years or so anyay.
my OH is a great guy and i love him to bits and i would have found this past year really difficult without his support but my children come first.
Thanks for some great advice, I will see a solicitor to get something drawn up.
Reading some of your posts it makes me realise how nothing is easy, particularly Sally, your poor husband, I can't imagine how he must feel facing all of this again!
As for second wives...I am one too! :0) Although hopefully my husband has had his fingers badly burnt before with his first wife! so might learn from it! She left him (as she has with her other 4 husbands!!!! completely wiped out emotionally and financally, so hopefully he will take more care if there is a next time.)
I do actually trust my husband to look after my son, but you just never know what the future holds!
Take care all
You are absolutely right to think about this sort of thing now. You are not being disloyal. My husband knew his days were numbered and we did all sorts of things with the help of a solicitor. Our situation was completely different again. I was 2nd wife, my husband has 2 other children, one of my son's is handicapped. All extremely complicated, but at least in the end things have worked out as my husband wanted and that's what is important to me. Of course now I have got to think things out again, but at least all will go just to my children.
All the best with what ever you decide
I totally agree that you should consult a solicitor.
I am a stepchild, though my mother is still alive. I don't know too much about my father's will, but I do know that if he dies before my stepmother, my sister and I will receive an amount of money and then some more on her death. This also works the other way for my stepbrothers. I know this was very complicated to work out, but they have done it through their solicitor and all seems very fair.
On the other hand, I am a second wife; my husband's first wife died of BC and left 3 children who I am now bringing up along with my three.
We have agreed that, if my husband should die before me (though unlikely in my mind as I was dx'd at age 38) I will leave the entire house which is mortgage free and of substantial value, to his three children, minus the equity from my house sale that I used to increase the size of the house to accommodate all of us, which I have to say will hardly make a dent in their inheritance. Additionally, I shall make sure they are provided for in my will. I also had the same concerns the other way, that my boys should receive the money that I had before I moved in and got married.
The life assurance that I would receive will more than support me.
We have yet to get this put down in wills etc. (never seem to get round to it) but we will - however; I trust my husband totally that he will see that my boys get what they're entitled to and he trusts me.
I hope I haven't upset you, being a second wife, but I do know how you feel, being a mother and having been dx'd. Not all second wives are gold diggers - promise!
I absolutely agree with bennyboo & tors. Do get professional advice asap. You are not being disloyal- it is wholly appropriate for you to ensure that you do your best for your son.
I have had personal experience within my own family & although the situation was not the same as yours, so much distress could have been avoided if my sister-in law had made a will (she died aged 32 of a brain tumour leaving a 2 year-old daughter)
My brother behaved honourably but his wife's brother, less so; As a result his daughter has since been denied many thousands of pounds which should rightly have come to her from her maternal grandparents. My brother re-married after 10 years but unfortunately the second marriage did not work out & was short-lived -and in the divorce settlement my brother again lost money.
As a result of this he has spent the last 15 years working all the hours he could (he is now at retirement age )in order to try to recoup the money for his dear daughter, which he feels responsible for 'losing'.
It is easy with hindsight to see where he went wrong- but it all looked so different at the time when my sister in law was ill - and then again when he re-married ; it is very easy to let your head rule your heart.
well i am a solicitor but would echo the previous post. You need to see a solicitor! You are being a fabulous mum, not a disloyal wife. Your concerns are valid as nobody knows what will happen and you need to have preparations in place for whatever scenario. Theer are so many different things to take into account, such as whether life policies would pay a mortgage of anyway> Changing the chequebook mortgage to a different mortage product etc. Changing the tenancy on your house is a question of a simple form to breal the joint tenancy, which your solicitor send to the land registry. If you arw working and a member of a trade union, i would go to your union and take advantage of their wills service, they are usually free. Otherwise i think mcmillan have a wills service who should be great on this .
I am not a solicitor and my best advice would be for you to visit a solicitor, if you are not well enough to go out a local one would I am sure be happy to visit you at home.
Your appointment will be confidential and you can ask them all of the questions you feel embarrassed to want to ask, once you have the advice you can then either use it to protect your assets or decide to ignore it, but there will be nothing lost.
You may qualify for legal aid or if not a Community Legal Advice service might run in your area and these are free.
There are two ways of owning a house as tenants in common or as Joint tenants. One means that you both own the property jointly, the other means that you each own half of the property and that you can then both will your shares.
A solicitor can change it for you if need be but your husband would need to agree to it and sign the papers.
If you do this you can leave your share of the home to your son with a life interest in the property for our husband (this means your son couldn't force your husband to leave the property). Once your husband either passed away or decided to sell the property the solicitor acting on the sale would divide the proceeds of sale between them both.
With regards to your bank account balance if it is held jointly I think you might be stuck but you could perhaps speak to your husband and say that you would like to move your half of the savings into an account in your son's name.
Hope this helps.
I feel very disloyal writing this post and I'm sure that my husband would be very upset to read it, but has anyone had experience of ensuring their children's inheritance?
My husband is a very loving stepfather to my son and has infact brought him up since he was 4. My son has said that he wishes to stay with him rather than go and live with his real Dad if I die before he leaves home (unfortunately a definate possibility.) My husband is expecting to be left all of my money (it is all a joint account etc and he really does need it!) however I have a real nagging worry....My husband is likely to have 40 or so years in which to remarry and have more children! How can I ensure that he doesn't remarry, and his new wife get all his money if he dies first!
My son is from my first marriage and I put quite a bit of equity into our house before I met my new husband. I want my husband to be financially secure and continue to live here with my son, does anyone with legal experience know how I can stop a future wife getting his money rather than my son (who ultimately is not a blood relative/descendant of my husband...does my son have rights?)
I did think about just leaving my half of the house to my son on the condition that my husband has life-long residency (a clause which my Mum has in her will!) however we are in an unusual financial situation in that we have a 'one account' so I could leave my son my 'share' and my husband could just withdraw all of the money as it is managed like a current account and he might have to, just to live on, without my contributions.
What have others done? I think I trust my husband to see my son right, but you never know, he may fall out with him in the future or be under the influence of a manipulative new wife (and his ex is certainly evil :O) - so I do worry about his taste :O) we also have family history my Dad's family lost their family home/inheritance when their Grandad remarried and left all his quite considerable estate to his second much younger gold-digger of a wife!
Or am I being selfish? I have to accept that my husband has every right to future happiness, as does my son (although I spit with jealousy at the thought of this :O( Does anyone else worry about this?
I would be interested in the views of others, particularly those with children that aren't the 'natural children' of their current partners,
Regards Nicky xx