Hello everyone, I've only one more RT session to go on Monday and then I'm done. It's been such a rollercoaster and I wanted to share a couple of things I've learned, especially for anyone who's about start treatment or just started. There are some things no-one spells out from the start, and I wish they had done, because I would have been better prepared.
First of all, it's likely you will NOT be seeing the same radiographers every day. I have seen over 25 different people in the last three weeks (I stopped counting). This had a big effect on me - being looked at and touched by strangers every day was stressful and I gradually found myself unable to sleep for thinking about it, then feeling anxious all day, irritable and tearful for (what I thought was) no reason. I told myself it was stupid, that I had to be grown up, not be difficult, be grateful, "they see boobs all day long it's nothing to them", etc etc. But it didn't change the way I felt. I felt degraded, a victim - everything I've fought against since this whole cancer episode began. I was grinding my teeth at night, chewing my fingers during the day. It got to the point where I actually started wishing I'd had a double mastectomy rather than a lumpectomy, as then they wouldn't be able to stare at my breasts because I wouldn't have any.
A senior radiographer told me that 25 years ago the same team would work on each machine, and you'd see the same people for your whole treatment, so they got to know you, and you them. That's just not possible any more.
Secondly, you have the right to ask not to be seen by male radiographers, or students, if you wish. This is not unreasonable, and they will do this (discreetly and kindly) if you ask. I didn't ask this until I was nearly at the end of my treatment, because I wasn't aware it was am option, plus I didn't want to make a fuss - telling myself plenty of women have been through more than this, why can't I just cope with it like a grownup, etc.
I honestly wish I'd been told these two things - the information I was given was all about what cream to use, how to stay hydrated, be prepared for feeling fatigued... nothing about the possible psychological trauma or how to manage it.
This forum has been wonderful for me to keep me going, and I've been amazed at the resiliance and courage when I've read what people have been through. I know that many women do not worry about being treated by men or students, or by lying half naked in front of strangers, but for some of us it's extraordinarily and unexpectedly difficult. The anxiety and anger can build up if you don't say something. I honestly thought I'd sail through this. We just don't know how things are going to affect us I guess.
I had my review meeting on Friday and brought all this up, and they were worried I'd now need counseling, which isn't something I've ever needed or considered. However, if I ever have to go through this again, I now know what to do - have a session of hypnotherapy prior to treatment to manage my anxiety (I've had it before for performance nerves, nail biting etc and it always works like magic for me), and request female radiographers only.
I know I can't be the only one who's felt this way, and I hope I'm helping by saying this and not scaring anyone - I don't want to do that, but I do want to say that if you are feeling anxious, tearful, stressed about the position you're in during treatment, do say something - I phoned the hospital because I couldn't say anything to the radiographers themselves during treatment, I felt too passive and vulnerable. It was only by talking it through that I realised it was more bearable for me if there were no men in the room.
If this post helps even one woman then it will be worth it - to everyone going into radiotherapy, you have my very best wishes for a smooth sailing, and let's hope for all of us it won't need repeating.
Robin xx
