Hi Leah, sorry you’re feeling so glum.
I don’t think we can lump all partners into the same boat, as it’s more a question of whether not talking about stuff and asking about stuff is normal for him specifically, rather than for partners in general.
When you’ve had a doc’s appointment (non-BC) did he ever ask you about it, or did he wait for you to tell him? If you had any other health problems, even a headache, did he ask, or did you have to tell him? We can’t expect our other halfs to change to someone they’re not just because (please excuse the word “just”) we have cancer. My OH doesn’t ask me how I am (don’t think he ever has but I’ve only just this second realised that!), didn’t make any effort to look (or not look) at my scars though I only had WLE and not mastectomy, and doesn’t do touchy-feely or talking about emotions, but when I ask for a hug he always provides, unless he’s been working on his motorbike and is covered in oil!
What do you think he’d do if you told him you’d like to talk to him about how you’re feeling? How would you feel about saying that out loud to him? Would you feel awkward? Would you feel it relieved a bit of pressure or just added to it? I find it easier to talk to my OH about that kind of stuff when I really have to tell him something if we’re doing something else as well, like walking the dog or even just strolling round to the supermarket.
Have you asked him how HE feels about it all? It’s possible he’s been bottling up his own feelings, fears and worries in trying NOT to upset you or give you anything more to worry about but is actually very concerned and trying to “be strong” for you.
Regarding hiding your scars, is it because HE doesn’t want to see them, or because YOU don’t feel confident enough in yourself to show them? Did you normally take nudity in your stride in your pre-BC relationship or did you always wear nighties or pjs in bed? Our self-confidence gets hit by a steam-roller with cancer and the physical changes to ourselves - weight gain, baldness, exhaustion, aches and pains, mood swings with hormone therapy, the list goes on - no wonder we don’t have confidence in who we are and the bodies we are left with after all the treatment has done its worst!
I’m not expecting answers to any of the questions above, but it might be helpful for you to think about them, so you can answer your own question about whether it’s “normal”.
Though I have to say, for partners as well as for us the whole notion of “normal” is completely blown away with diagnosis, and blown even further with surgery and treatment.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a ramble, but I hope it’s given you things to think about. Something else you might want to do is have a chat with the helpline. They’re here for all of us, whatever stage we’re at with our treatment, and they don’t judge but do understand.