Well it’s October and I have been back to the job that I love for three weeks (not up to full-time quite yet). Diagnosed on Christmans Eve last year the following nine months consisted of two WLEs, Chemo, Rads and now Tamoxifen.
I have been married to a lovely man for 17 years and our relationship has always been evenly balanced, loving, with lots of good times. However, just prior to dx last year I felt that we had grown apart in many ways and I didn’t feel fulfilled in my life and had started to enjoy being my own person whilst he was away working. Of course once diagnosed and treatment commenced I was on the treadmill and as we all know - you just have to get on with it. Still I found that I wanted to be independent in attending my appointments etc and felt that a greater divide was occurring between us. In fact as he says he must be the only husband who’s wife has had breast cancer who still has ten days annual leave to take - oops - says a lot about how much I wanted him to be involved.
This divide has enlarged as I have returned to some resemblence of ‘normality’ - I have to say from my point of view and not his. I feel quite ‘indifferent’ about our relationship and still have this feeling that I would like to ‘go it alone’. I don’t really understand why or what it is all about but it is obviously causing a good deal of stress to me (and us) at a time when I should be embracing what I have (a lovely person who loves me and wants to stay together forever). Just wondered if anybody has experienced a similar set of circumstances or whether anybody has any thoughts?!
I am independent enough to make a decision about living alone but obviously lots of thoughts come into my head ie. is it really what I want, is my mind a bit distorted, what if the BC returns and most of all can I really hurt this person?
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor? I have friends who have found Relate counsellors very helpful in helping sort out where they wanted to go (or leave) a relationship. Also mind offers counselling and it is less expensive than seeing someone privately. I have a happy relationship but have dilemmas about other things that have become apparent since I finished my active treatment last month. I went from feeling that I was fine and coping to feeling that I needed to talk to someone who is seperate from my life and could be objective and who I am not trying to “protect” by being careful about what I say. I am lucky to live near a cancer help centre where I now have counselling. The other thing that I have found helpful and thought provoking is hypnotherapy (also at the centre). Not at all like on the TV; its like some thing else in my toolkit of trying to sort out my thoughts/feelings. I think a cancer diagnosis is like a door opening to a new pathway; people I’ve met have said that they feel changed in their priorities and what they want from life. I feel that the “bonus” of having cancer is that I have had time to reflect on things that I didn’t have before. I’ve started keeping a notebook for when ideas pop into my head that I want to explore further. Would a mind map or a pros/cons list work to clarify your thoughts?
Sorry if this isn’t what you wanted!
Take care
littlemrs
I too have wondered about growing apart from ‘himself’ since my dx and treatment.
I guess that all of us who have travelled this path do change because it is such a significant event in our lives. We have had to cope with enormous changes physically and mentally and when somebody else doesn’t face the same things, differences will be more obvious.
I can only advise you to listen to your instinct and trust yourself, you must be true to yourself; also, don’t rush into anything.
I have felt a bit like you - a distance has opened up between us. My thoughts on it would be - don’t do anything hasty, there is no rush, what will be will be and sometime or other you will be sure whether to stay or go. Your relationship may change, may adapt, he may be willing to adapt.
Like you I didn’t have time off at the time, and I wonder if that meant I had no time to reflect on things, which may in turn have meant that I didn’t resolve the enormous issues I had to face, and as a result my emotions have rather shut down; your determination to cope alone may be what you need now, but may be later you will need someone. He sounds like a good guy, and a good friend, and that is not to be sniffed at. I wonder if one reason for the gulf opening up is because with bc we go where no-one else can follow, in a certain sense, hence we need each other on here a lot, while other people seem far far away…and in time maybe that will change…
Hard to know, hence I would say, don’t do anything hasty. Also, if you don’t have children, or perhaps even if you do, and you want to live apart for a while, then maybe you can do just that, only that, without it meaning divorce, all over for ever type stuff, just following your heart and your instincts, one step at a time.
I think seeing a counsellor would be very good for you, even if you saw one on your own to clarify your thinking. I think what you have to ask yourself is do you want to be with this man, regardless of what the future holds in terms of illnesses etc or not. You are clouding your judgement by wondering if you should stay to a) stop hurting him and b) just incase your cancer returns. If these are the only reasons you would consider staying, you really need to think carefully about your future and a counsellor will help you come to the right conclusions.
Thank you to all of you - objectivity is always useful in situations like this. I think the advice on time is pertinent and I should give ‘it’ time in order to establish what I really want from my life.
I wish you all a well and contented life - relatively speaking of course.
To be honest, our problems existed before my diagnosis but has certainly got worse since. The problem has always been his inability/unwillingness to communicate with me. It has been years since he has shown any interest in anything I say. He dealt with my diagnosis by refusing to discuss it. As soon as my treatment finished he acted as though life should be the same as before. I went to a counsellor who agreed that the only chance i had of saving my marriage was to get him to have some councelling. He refused and since then i have withdrawn further. I love the idea of living on my own. Why don’t I go? I don’t think I have the energy to. We’are waiting the birth of our first grandchild and I think i have used this as an excuse to keep the status quo. I wish he would do or say something but he continues to act as though there is nothing the matter and I know it is up to me to make a change. It’s a sad ending to what should have been a very happy marriage.