I’m in a bit of a state at the moment. I’m due to get biopsy results tomorrow and I fear the worse. Almost reached the 4 year in the clear then a new lump appears, not sure if knowing what you go through helps or hinders. I’m in that dark place again of looking at everything wondering if I’m going to be told I’m going to…well they don’t say it do they exactly but die.
O.H. keeps telling me to be positive and not get so worked up but it’s not working. Is there a word that means the next one up from petrified because I’m at that level. Why can’t I be brave, I can almost feel the reaper outside my door and it’s difficult to even breath as I’m so stressed.
All of you waiting for results that feel the same way (if there are any that get as ‘worked up’ as me) I’m thinking of you, do you exist or am I the only one totally losing the plot? Cyber hugs to each of you xxx
Hi BFM
Only those of us who have been there know the true all encompassing fear as we await results. All I can do us send you loads of hugs and wish you luck for tomorrow. If it’s bad news then at least it’s been found and can be sorted again. I’m there again after 6 years and I can’t say that waiting for results was any easier than before! My thoughts are with you. Let us know how you get on. We’re all here for the virtual hand holding and it’s great to share your feelings with those who truly understand
Twinky x
Sending positive thoughts and “vibes” your way. Nothing could be as bad as what you are imagining. Once you know the results then you will feel stronger and more able to cope.
(((hugs)))
Hi
I get my results on Friday (had biopsies last Wednesday) so I too am going through the agonising waiting period - and I can really relate to difficulty in breathing.
Thinking of you today. Let us know how you get on.
Thank you for your supportive words. Just came back from clinic and the results are cancer. Scans this week for staging, results next monday to find out if it’s a new primary or secondary and what if anything they can do. Not looking too good for me. Petrified and scared beyond belief. All kinds of pains shooting around my body, stress or spread? So very down right now. Keep looking into my OH eyes and wondering if I’m going to die in his arms or will he just slowly see me rot away. Sorry in such a bad place right now. Sorry.
Hi, so sorry about your results, just want to send you a big hug, I am sure others will be along soon with a wealth of information to help you along whilst you are in the waiting room. lots of love junieliz x
Hello Bigfatmumma,
You’re in a tough place right now, I hope you can find friends and support from this site. The waiting is very hard, but once you know what’s what after your scans, you will find the inner strength to tackle this nasty disease as you’ve had the strength to fight it 4 years ago.
From personal experience, I also found that stress created all kinds of pain throughout my body, and these pains somehow disappeared once i’d been checked out for them!
Keep looking into OH’s eyes and see strength reflected back to you,
((((Hugs))))
Truddles
Sorry your results weren’t good! Try not to panic and wait to get the staging and grade and treatment plan, I’m sure you will start to feel better then. In the mean time do try very hard to stay in the present (now) and not let your thoughts jump into the future and “what might be” I totally understand how your are feeling as I remember feeling the same way.
Hi BFM,
I am waiting CT and MRI scan results, getting them on Wednesday and feeling totally crap and very, very apprehensive and know exactly what you are going through. I’m Stage 4 secondary and, if results poor, will have to face more chemo and can’t bear the thought.
Hope your OH is a supportive as mine, I really do not know what I would do without him, and having good mates and someone to have a moan or share your thoughts/worries with, that’s what good about this site - we are all in the same boat.
Keep positive.
starryskiesx
Hi there bigfatmumma
Sorry that you’re having such a difficult time at the moment. As others have said, the waiting is often the very worst time.
I see you are getting lots of support here, but if you feel it might help to talk to someone, do call our Helpline. They’re great listeners and can direct you to other sources of help and information too.
They’re open 9-5 on weekdays and 9-2 on Saturday. 0808 800 6000.
I hope this offers some support.
Best wishes.
Louise
Facilitator
Hi BFM
I just want to say that your posting moved me so much. You are going through what so much of us fear. Please keep posting here and get as much support as you can from others in same situation or who have been there. This blasted bc is beyond all the horrible words out there. My thoughts are with you. J.
Hi,
Just wanted to add my support.
Do everything you can to stay in the here and now and not move too far into the future until you know more, although I know how hard that is.
We are all here for you,
Lynda
Thank you for your comments again. I’ll try to take on board your advice. OH is one of the best, he’s a rock. I’m hurting so much at the moment and feel so drained. Broke my heart having to call one of my kids (other 2 are at home) who’s away at Uni, hearing him cry down the phone with me and not being able to hold him is so very upsetting. Hope I feel a bit better tomorrow or is that just not going to happen. Maybe that was my last Xmas, maybe I won’t see him graduate, maybe I won’t see my next birthday. I already miss my life, I think I’m actually going insane. All of me hurts, even my face from keep crying. Trapped and can’t get out of this hell, god help me.
I feel so much for you and I wish that there was something, anything I could do…Please speak to your GP and see if you can get something to help you sleep (to give your mind a rest) and allow you time to store your energy. I wish I could say more or do more. Please know that I am thinking of you. Jayne.
BigFatMumma, I’m so sorry to hear that you have a recurrence and just want you to know that all the emotions you’re feeling right now are normal, but things will get better once you know exactly what your situation is and what your treatment plan will be. In the meantime, I know from experience that the waiting is really hard, as your mind just goes into overdrive, imagining all the worst case scenarios and crippling you with fear. I had a recurrence five years ago and thought that was it, but with relatively short treatment (compared to the first time around), my team got me NED for five whole years. If and when you feel able, have a look at the recurrence and secondaries threads and you’ll see that lots of people live for a long time with both scenarios. I hope you can find some strength in their stories, as well as reassurance and hope for you and your family as you wait for your results. Feel free to PM me if it would help. We are all here for you. Sending cyber hugs (((((((()))))))), Angelfalls xx
I’m so so sorry you’re suffering like this - telling my kids was the worst thing i’ve ever had to do, when all you want to do is protect them from everything. I agree something to help you sleep would help so will talking and talking and crying - until you’re all cried out. I’m sending you the biggest cuddle and the best of all thoughts. This must undoubtedly be the worse stage,i genuinely believe that. I hope things start to look less awful very soon.
lOVE
LYNN
I want to give you something positive to think about. My twin sister was first diagnosed with BC twenty years ago at 40/41 years. Small cancer with no lymp involvement. Went through all the usual treatment but alas 10 years later it came back in the same breast. Still small again no lymp again. Had mastectomy/recon and Chemo and tablets and another 10 years on she’s fine. She is giving me loads of support now because it’s my turn, even though they told me I wasn’t considered a hire risk because only one family member, as far as we know, had bc. Had my surgery two weeks ago to remove lump with no lymp involvement. Waiting to see the Consultant Onc to see if I’m to have chemo because level 3 type cancer, which they tell me is more aggresive. Mine was picked up on routine mam and couldn’t feel any kind of lump etc. So thankful for routine screening and believe me I’ve had loads over the years because of my twin.
So, hold fast and because it’s come back it doesn’t mean that you are not going to get through this one and be around for along time yet. I have a friend who was in the same position 8 years ago and is going strong, she was in a very black place as well.
Be thinking of you and this is a great place for supportive messages
and take another big hug - you can’t get enough of those.
Love, Beryl.
I just wanted to say thank you again for all your replies and those who came back more than once. In fact ‘thank you’ doesn’t seem enough when you’ve all been so kind but honestly thank you so much.
Last night was all over the place emotionally. After an embarrassing outburst at my family and all the tears and cuddles whilst I apologized, we sat down and watched a movie together (I have no idea what it was lol) however I felt calm for the first time. I slept well but had a bit of a breakdown again this morning before I left for the CT scan. Again I calmed down once it had been done (still tried to ‘read’ the radiographers face to no avail).
I tried to watch another film tonight to recreate the night before but although I’m keeping it together, it’s bubbling under the surface.
My BCN is ringing me tomorrow so I’m going to ask her to have a word with my GP about giving me something to calm me down and help me sleep, fingers crossed. They’ve always told me to be positive but I’ve had so much bad luck and they’ve been wrong so many times, I think they try to avoid me.
I will keep checking back because I have no extended family for support and it feels wonderful to receive your messages. I have to warn you though that I have no idea how to add people or anything so please don’t think I’m being unfriendly, I’m just clueless.
Thank you all again
xxx
Hi BigFatMumma
I’ve been reading your posts and wanting to respond but feel a bit 'unqualified" (I get my results tomorrow but have already been told by the consultant that it very probably is cancer).
I just wanted to add my support and to let you know that I, like lots of others, are thinking of you.
My GP prescribed diazepam (albeit a very low dose) which has taken the edge of the extreme terror at times (mainly during the middle of the night). Two people have also recommended Zoplicone, which apparently is an effective sleeping tablet that doesn’t make you feel hungover in the morning.
Hoping you find some calmness. Keep watching those films!
xx
Hi BFM
I can definitely relate to what you are going through and know how horrible it is. I had the same thing also nearly 5 years after my primary BC, this time of the year as well. I had a lump show up on a follow up mammo and it turned out to be a local recurrence. It was so sad telling my 2 daughters, particularly as it was the day before one of their birthdays. Unfortunately for me CT scans then showed it had spread to my bones and you can imagine how awful I felt then. However I’m now 4 years on from that and living life as I did before my secondary dx. My daughters have both left school, started uni and now my youngest is about to graduate this year, somethings I had never expected to be here for. So I wanted to reassure you that although we all think we’re going to die straight away, we don’t! Obviously it hasnt gone away but all my hormone treatment is working and recent scans show no progress whatsoever after 4 years. So whether it is a local recurrence and therefore contained or it has spread there are many treatments available and once the plan is in place I’m sure you will feel more able to cope. I’m not saying its easy, what cancer treatment is? but there is life after BC has returned. I hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you want.
Nicky x