i can relate to your story, I am nearly 2 years from diagnosis and aged 34, been married for 12 years this June and have a 5 year old boy...things haven't been right for along time now, don't know what to do really, and sometimes i don't want to change it. We are distant from eachother, have been for a long time, i think the routine of work, mum, house-work, shopping etc seems to cloud what is really happening. I have tried to talk but he (to me) seems to turn it around as if he is the victim in all of this. I have moved on and i try to live a life, some days are easier than others and I just 'get on' with it all. I feel reluctant to give any hugs, sex etc and i never really want to have sex anymore, I don't know if thats due to the Tamoxifen or not. Its rather strange all the goings on that we seem to suffer since diagnosis, life is so unfair at times. i hang in there for the sake of my little boy, the good thing is we don't argue, we seem to rarely talk to eachother other than day to day things. i am osrry this doens't help you, I know what people will say 'you need to talk etc' but its so hard to do it when I am made to feel as if its me who has the problem...in reality, its both of us.
Sorry to be on a downer...
I hope you get sorted.
It is always nice to know we are not alone isn't it.
Mel, Don't join the Nun's just yet!! What do you mean by painful? Could some good old KY Jelly help to make things more comfortable?
diagnosed in 2005, currently on herceptin.
after completing fec, I had recurrence and had 6 taxtere now I don't feel like sex and when I do have it, it is very painful anyone else had this problem and does it always hurt? will it always hurt? shall I join the nuns?
Love Mel x
thanks girls for your replies, it reassures me i am not alone. I do know i have to speak to him about it as i think he probably does think that because i am rejecting him all the time that i have a problem with him, when its because i have a problem with myself. I feel we have been through so much as a couple and he has been through it all with me that this needs to get sorted out. whilst i was on zoladex and tamoxifen together i had zero libido and felt like an old woman with all the associated menopausal symptoms but since being off zoladex for the past few months i feel things are returning to normal and at thirty four sex should still be an important part of our life. confidence is still very low and because i loathe my body so much i think why would my husband like it now .....................
I will let you know how i get on girls x
I am 35 now (was 34 when diagnosed last year). I can totally appreciate how you are feelin right now. My lack of sex life is actually due to Tamoxifen and Zoladex giving me zero sex drive, but I'm sure the problems it causes are just the same.
Having not yet had a recon I am very conscious about how I look. I was always a confident and outgoing person prior to bc. I never claimed to have the best figure in the world but was happy enough in my own skin. Well, ove the past few months our sex life has become pretty much non-existent. My OH says it doesn't bother him but I'm sure he's just being nice. Everytime I try to raise the issue of our lack of sex life he seems uncomfortable talking about it. We actually had sex last week but it was the first time in a long time and more because we felt we ought to rather than actually wanting to.
So, I can empathise with how you're feeling right now. I am afraid I don't have any advice or anything but I am keen to see if others do have some top tips for helping get your sex life back on track,
I am 33 (originally diagnosed a 31) and unfortnately cannot relate to what is happening to you but your husband married you for you and your personailty, not your body. Luckily I don't have that problem, my cheeky husband even wanted it the day I came out of hosp after having a mastectomy. I talked to my husband about what he thought of it and he said didn't bother him so I was fine. If they are the quenuine article, partners/husbands are just so glad you are alive and have come through this than what you look like on the outside.
I wear a little vest top when having a bit as we keep laughing so much at the other one bouncing around!!!
Go for it, the longer you leave it the worse it will get. It should be fun. I will be thinking of you (not in that position though lol).
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was 31 when diagnosed (now 34).
I am just in the process of trying to get my relationship back on track. I found that my relationship was falling apart and I think a big part of it was because of my low self esteem and low sex drive or should I say zero sex drive!!
I decided that I had to do something about it, if not for myself, for the sake of the children. I decided to try and change the pattern that we had fallen into. I had to drop my barriers and let my partner back into my life again.
You know that you have to talk about it, as hard as it is, its the only way to help to resolve this. I could not stand the situation any longer and so had to speak up. I told him how ugly I was feeling now and how I thought that was why I didn't feel like being intimate anymore, he's not a great talker but reasured me that he thought I was still beautiful and loved me and then asked me did I still love him, even if his belly was starting to expand and his hair was thinning? I realised that he was starting to wonder if I had gone off him too. We didn't have a great big long drawn out talk or anything just said what needed to be said and gave each other a hug and agreed that we would both make more of an effort to help each other get back on track again and be a bit more sensitive to each others feelings.
I started to approach him first and give him a hug and then let him hug me back. I am now noticing that our barriers seem to be coming down and we are starting to get the playfulness back a little, which is lovely. Talk to him, what have you got to lose!!
Welcome to the forums, this is a concern frequently discussed on the forums and I am sure your fellow forum users will offer you valuable support, advice and information very soon. You may also find Breast Cancer Care's publication 'Sexuality, intimacy and breast cancer' helpful to read, you can read it via the following link:
as a younger woman in her early thirties diagnosed at just over thirty, i would have thought that three years down the line things would have resumed to normal i.e physical/intimate side with my husband, if anything it is now at a standstill. I know the problem is we are not talking about it, but I just feel i cannot open up to him how i really feel. I hate the way my body looks now, have practically zero confidence, its a vicious circle, there is alot of tension in the air and also throw a young child into the equation, things are not good now.....................
just wondered if anyone could / can relate and if their is some advice i could have please,
thanks in advance